Guilt

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I am 17 and leaving for college in 2 weeks. On the one hand, I am very excited, but on the other hand, I feel a lot of guilt for leaving my mom. We have a very Gilmore Girls-type relationship, except that we’re 42 years different, not 16. We’ve gotten very close in the last year, because I was very ill and she had to take care of me. But now I am almost 100% again and will be going away. (A year sooner than expected, to add that to the mix.) She always tells me not to feel guilty, but at the same time, she’s panicking because she doesn’t know what to do with herself once I’m gone. I have an older brother, but he is already out of the house and doesn’t come home often. I will be 3000 miles away from home for college, so I don’t see myself taking weekend trips home or anything like that. </p>

<p>I want to suggest something to my mom to fill up her life once I’m gone. She has a masters degree in business, but hasn’t worked in that field in more than 20 years and says she doesn’t want to go back to the high pressure lifestyle. She’s considering getting a job, but since we don’t need any money, she can’t think of anything she’d LIKE to do. (…I know. Oh, to have that be your problem!) Her marriage is a mess. My father has a lot of problems and neither my mom nor the rest of the family can stand to be around him. He’s a recovering alcoholic who recently fell off the wagon and my mom really doesn’t want to deal with him anymore. I won’t be surprised (or upset) if they divorce within the year. So there goes that for support.</p>

<p>She has friends, but most of them work full time. Of the ones that don’t, she says its tough to go out with them because of the financial situation. Many (or most) of them are struggling to make ends meet and don’t have the finances to frivolously see movies or go to nice dinners. Her closest friends all live on the other side of the country, where she lived and went to school for many years. While moving back to California is a fantasy of hers, it’s unlikely that it will happen anytime soon, as she is taking care of her ailing father here on the East Coast and he is in no condition to make a move like that. Both of her siblings live 3-5 hours away by plane, so there really isn’t anyone around to relieve her. For the same reason, she is wary of travel, even though she loves the idea of seeing some places. She doesn’t like to leave her father for more than a few days, two weeks maximum, because he clearly suffers when he doesn’t see her. </p>

<p>She has considered taking classes at the local college (there is a relatively good one in town), but they will not allow her to enroll if she is not working toward a degree, which she doesn’t want to do.</p>

<p>Sorry that this is so long, but PLEASE!!! If anyone has any ideas for things I could suggest she do, please let me know. I love her very much and I hate to see her so sad, but she seems so depressed at the thought of being stuck alone in a house with my dad with nothing to do all year.</p>

2

<p>You are very kind to care so much, and creative to post on here for ideas! I hope she is associated in some way with Al anon. This is a hard time of transition for many parents, exacerbated by other factors as you mention. Al anon has a stong message regarding taking care of yourself when efforts, as hers have been, are focused on taking care of others. Part of what they do in meetings is help you find the tools to take care of yourself again. </p>

<p>If she can leave her dad, even for less than two weeks, a trip to reconnect with friends or family, remember what and where she has been at other times, might do her a world of good. </p>

<p>Despite the distance, your presence and care by email and phone I’m sure will be a rock for her. You are obviously quite caretaking yourself, and that has been your example. Be sure you are good at taking care of yourself during this time of transition to a new life!</p>

3

<p>It’s very considerate of you to worry about your mom. My D. had some of the same worries, but for different reasons. Do you think your mom might enjoy volunteer work or being active in a church? Those are both things that can fill up a lot of time and help her develop a local support network. </p>

<p>Al-Anon, for the families of alcoholics might be beneficial too or private counseling if depression is really an issue. There are also support groups for caregivers of elderly parents where people can get together and de-stress. How about joining a gym or getting involved with a sport? (One of my sisters took up walking after her husband died, and eventually finished a marathon). There’s been some research that exercise helps to boost serotonin levels.</p>

<p>But try not to worry, your mom sounds like a smart lady and whatever she ends up doing, she’s going to adjust.</p>

4

<p>You are very thoughtful and since you and your mom have such a good relationship, I think it’s great that you might suggest ideas to her. Don’t be upset if she doesn’t immediately take your suggestions.</p>

<p>And realize that you can still be there for her by keeping in touch (not too often, but not too little either :wink: ) and sharing your new experiences at school.</p>

<p>There are so many options for her if she doesn’t need a paying job nor want the stress of it. SCORE (Service Corps of Retired Executives) would give her the opportunity to help small businesses. My MBA school has an ongoing program for alums to do pro-bono work for non-profits etc. She can volunteer in any field which interests her - literacy training, hospitals, at her local K-12 schools, rescue work, Audubon… the list is endless. Once she is involved, she can take it as low-key (once a week for an hour or so) or intense as she wants (fund raising, Board member…).</p>

5

<p>Al-anon sounds like a good idea.
Your mom also could take courses at a local college for fun.
She also could do volunteer work that appeals to her.
The kind of transition issues that your mom is faced with are things that all people are faced with if they live long enough. Just like the issues connected with your transition to college and a new environment are something you’ll have to solve for yourself. They are things that she will have to solve for herself.</p>

<p>Try not to feel guilty. It’s not your fault. What you can do for your mom is to be an encouraging listener if she chooses to talk to you about her experiences as she learns to meet her new needs, and take advantage of her new freedom.</p>

<p>I agree with conyat that private counseling or therapy might be something for your mom to check into. There are counselors whose expertise is in helping people face midlife challenges.</p>

6

<p>thanks for all of your replies. i know my mom used to be a member of al-anon about 15 years ago when my dad first entered AA, but i might suggest she and i go to a meeting together before i leave for school. that might be really helpful.</p>

<p>we actually took a 2-week trip this summer to visit about 6 cities’ worth of her old friends + sort of a makeshift family reunion… i could tell she was just SO much happier than she is at home. she’s planning another trip in october, after she visits me for parents’ weekend, which should be nice. </p>

<p>we don’t go to church (we’re actually jewish, but she has never felt connected to her religion, nor has she been to temple since she was about 11, if ever. unusually, i’m much more involved in religious life than she is). she has volunteered for the jewish community center and several theaters/art schools in the past (she’s been an artist since she left her job 20 years ago). i can suggest she does some more of that. she’s always found art therapy rewarding. so that’s a good suggestion. :-)</p>

7

<p>Art therapy? My ears just perked up. If volunteer work does appeal to your mom, there is a tremendous need for art therapy for children and adults with disabilities, and unfortunately most states do not fund this or do not fund it adequately. She can call the state to get a list of day habilitation providers and contact them to see where she can help.</p>

<p>Also, my D.'s school used to have an artist in residence program where a real artist like your Mom would volunteer to work with the kids. Your mom might especially like that since she’ll be an empty-nester.</p>

8

<p>Maybe she should head to where her friends are and take her father with her. I know that seems radical, but I speak from one example of personal experience.</p>

<p>My MIL, like many older folks who can’t live totally on their own, resisted even the mention of moving to Assisted Living. To her, I think, it was the equivalent of being “put out to pasture” or “sent away.” She also had an outdated picture of Nursing Homes (which Assisted Living isn’t, btw). She lived with her daughter which she thought was her ideal. But her daughter worked full time and so the reality was a quite lonely day-to-day existence. </p>

<p>Her kids talked her into moving across the country to an Assisted Living facility nearer her other daughter. She was skeptical (well that’s a eupehmism). We all thought it would be months before she would adapt and enjoy. But we all thought she would eventually, because she’s a “joiner” and there was so much going on for her to take part in.</p>

<p>She LOVES it; hardly wants to leave for 2-3 week visits to come back our way. She loved it almost immediately. So easy to make friends, so much to do. Her life is so full. And her daughter is nearby and they spend a lot of time together. </p>

<p>So your mom could do something like that, or move her father to an independent apartment near where she will be. Maybe it’s time for her to put her own happiness a little higher on the priority list.</p>

9

<p>“thanks for all of your replies. i know my mom used to be a member of al-anon about 15 years ago when my dad first entered AA, but i might suggest she and i go to a meeting together before i leave for school. that might be really helpful.”</p>

<p>It also will help you deal with your misplaced guilt about leaving your mom with your alcoholic dad. In fact, one thing that you could do to help your mom and yourself would be to get active in a campus group like Al-Anon or Adult children of Alcoholics. More than likely there is some group like that on campus or nearby.</p>

10

<p>Take lessons, join a book club, volunteer, teach art classes, get more involved with art therapy, join a board, be a mentor, take up golf/swimming/tennnis/yoga/walking/running, learn an instrument or take voice lessons, take (or teach) some other kind of non-academic group class, work part time in an art supplies store or a clothing store she likes (definitely below her skill level, but it could be enjoyable), join a social club of some sort, take a trip with an organized group (such as alums of her college), etc. She just needs to get out there and get involved in many things. That way she’ll meet a variety of people and get a feel for all of the options she has. She’ll likely find a couple of things that she really would like to keep doing. Playing a sport like tennis or golf is a great way for non-working women to meet others, especially if she gets involved in a golf club, country club, or something similar. It sounds like she needs to spend some time focusing on herself. She has a lot of options.</p>

11

<p>The best thing that you can do for yourself and your Mom is to stay in close touch. Fill her with details of your daily life so you may draw out hers as well. She may find callings that will surprise you. You won’t be able to do much unless you maintain a strong tie.</p>

12

<p>Itla_uno, you sound like a wonderful young woman. I am sorry you are so burdened with your mother’s issues. It is good to care for your parents, of course, but now is the time for you to focus on what you will want to do in life, choosing new friends, taking classes that interest you and just generally becoming an adult. Your mother’s life is her responsibility to figure out, please remember that.</p>

13

<p>After my two were out of the house, I started volunteering for Big Brother Big Sister. I was matched with a cute little 8 year old girl (now 9). We get together every week and go on outings or just come to my place to work in the garden, so art projects, or bake cookies. It has given me a place to focus my motherly instincts now that my own children are grown. (And it gives my Little Sister a chance to escape from a small, crowded apartment and experience new things) </p>

<p>Some kind of a mentoring program like this would give your mother another young person to care about and a way to make a positive impact in someone’s life, which is really the main goal of parenting. The one-on-one relationship might be more satisfying than some other types of volunteer work, depending upon your mother’s needs and interests.</p>

14

<p>I want to second Northstarmom’s comment about al-anon for you as well as your mom. It’s very sweet and loving of you to worry so much about your mom, but it’s also important to remember that you can only take care of your own feelings and your mom needs to take care of herself. There’s a lot going on in her life, including having an alcoholic husband. You can help by being supportive and keeping in touch while you are away–but you can’t take it all on yourself. I think that’s one of the things you can get support with from al-anon.
I have a child away at school, and friends facing the departure of their children this year, and I just want to tell you that yes, we miss our children, but it’s o.k. that they leave. Change is hard, but it is often for the better in the long run. Go off to college. Live your life. Write letters or e-mail to your mother. Call a little more often than you might if you thought she were happy, but just go and don’t feel guilty. Good luck.</p>

15

<p>I am surprised the college insists you must be going for a degree to take classes, many schools have program for people, ehem, our age, to go in and take a class or two a semester, I would really look into that</p>

<p>as well, as a care giver with no break, your mom REALLY needs to look into getting someone to come in and help, and get someone in as often as feasible</p>

<p>DOn’t feel guilty, your mom is very proud and hopefully she will find her Thang soon</p>

<p>What about volunteering, political campaigns are in full swing, museums need help, so do lots of other groups- animal shelters, greenpeace, schools, whatever strikes her fancy, maybe the ballet, or something like that, all are looking for wonderful women to help out</p>

<p>Send her care packages if you can, if yo see a cute scarf at a garage sale, or something, to show you are thinking of her and call or texxt or email to say hi</p>

16

<p>I’m reading a book: “Inventing the Rest of Our Lives: Women in Second Adulthood” by Suzanne Levine that might be helpful to your Mom. I’ll bet she could find it at her local library or get it through inter-library loan.</p>

<p>I know it’s hard not to worry. My Dad died when I was in college and we all worried about our Mom. She remarried 1 year later and is still married 30 years later–her second adulthood. Taking care of yourself and having a good college experience is the best gift you can give her–along with keeping in touch as others have said.</p>

<p>Our local schools have mentoring programs where an adult spends one hour per week during the school year with a child. Both parties tend to benefit A LOT from the relationship.</p>