<p>My D, a 19 year old sophomore at a school accross the country, was home (So Cal) for winter break. A few nights ago, she drove a few miles (literally) to visit a boy she knows (but not all that well). She has always been responsible about calling us and returning calls or texts. After she had been out for a couple hours, one of her girlfriends called looking for her. The fact that this friend called the house meant she could not reach D on her cell. My H called D’s cell and got voicemail. When he did not hear back, he started to panic. After about 30 minutes, he called the girl friend to she if she had heard from D. She had not. H started yelling at me for not knowing where D was going (I did know cross streets but not address, which is more than most parents know I am sure) or the boy’s last name. Finally, I agreed to look online at our cell phone “details” to find the boy’s phone number. We called but only got voicemail. My H kept getting more and more anxious, called both girlfriend and the boy again, etc. He was conjuring up all kinds of “worse case scenarios” from car accidents to serial killers. Finally, after about 90 minutes of this, H reached my D. They had gone next door to watch a movie without their cells. H was furious; D was even more furious, for which I do not blame her. Any thoughts on how to cope with these situations? It must be how my H is “wired” because his sister calls us in a panic when she cannot reach her 30 year old son! Thanks.</p>
<p>Tough call, as a strong argument can be made for both sides. While in this case he probably overreacted, is he like this in other situations? Is he a worrier by nature? Does he just worry about his little girl? Your daughter sounds pretty responsible, so it is understandable that your H might be worried that she was unreachable (as this sounds out of character), but I have to wonder if at college she developed a habit of not carrying her phone around as much. Since the kids dont have to check in with anyone at college, they may be less inclined to keep their phones on them (my s does this-- or he turns it off for class and forgets to turn it back on) and since she was just home for the holiday, she may have handled her phone the way she does at school, not the way you are used to. I’d first remind her to keep her phone with her at all times, and on, and then ask your H to take a deep breath!</p>
<p>(That said… I once couldnt reach my s after a horrible thunderstorm with lots of downed trees in the area where he was. After several hrs I called the house where he was supposed to be, which I only did b/c I know the mom well. I was still mortified to have to do it at that late hour. They were fine, though there were a lot of downed trees there and the power was out (and his cellphone battery was dead). He had to find an alternate way home due to the trees on the road, but I made him come home!!)</p>
<p>Is there something in his background that makes him so anxious? I’m wired that way, also, and my kids understand how much a part of me that is. They text me often when they’re out, just with things like “Marco” where I can respond “Polo.”
When I was 8, my older sister went out and never came back. Now, of course, everyone else knew how ill she was and that the time had come, but in their attempt to shield me, I wasn’t prepared and my perception was that sometimes people go out and then just die. This, of course, has marked my psyche for life. Thankfully, my kids are compassionate and good-humored souls, so they’re ok with my always knowing pretty much where they are and with always getting in touch me if they’re going to be late. We all have our things and this is mine.</p>
<p>OP, just remind your D that it is her dad’s job to make her life “alivinghellonearth” and her job to resist all efforts to control her. The world is as it should be.</p>
<p>At least it seems so from my perch in the dad-tree. ;)</p>
<p>Hey 'mudge!!
Long time no see!
Have you been talking to my #2 son? Sounds like a pattern there…</p>
<p>Just sound parenting, jym. We have to try . They have to resist. Repeat as necessary.</p>
<p>But we of course, when we were their age, were wonderfully, compliant, easy going young adults who never gave our parents a moment’s concern. Why cant they be more like us? ;)</p>
<p>How did we survive without cellphones? I remember once, when my mom asked me to call her when we arrived back at grad school after a grueling 14 hr drive, to give her a call. I retorted “don’t worry mom. If I don’t make it, the police will call you”. (Of course I called her, but still, what was I thinking?)</p>
<p>I think that the ubiquity of cell phones has created a real problem for parents with a tendency to worry (I’m not one, so maybe my perspective is more or less valid based on that).</p>
<p>Parents seem to expect to reach a kid instantaneously. We could not do this when we were growing up. If we were on a date, no one expected to be able to reach us or hear from us until the end of the evening. Worry only set in if and when we missed our expected return time. Much healthier, imo. I know kids whose parents call them numerous times per day/night, who resent it… and I don’t blame them. </p>
<p>Perhaps what is needed in this case is some “pre-communication.” “I will be out with xx, at yy, and expect to be home around 0:00.” IMO, the parent then needs to take whatever steps necessary to train himself/herself to live with this amount of information. And not expect communication during the few hour period involved. </p>
<p>We expect our kids to learn limits in many aspects of life. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to do the work to learn limits ourselves, if we have problems in that arena.</p>
<p>How DID parents do it in the days before cell phones? I don’t think that a 19 yr old should be on 24/7 on call to her parents. But that’s just me.</p>
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<p>Best answer. There seems to be a year or two (freshman/sophomore) that kids are just horrid about keeping in touch or communication. It’s like they are testing their adult status. However, the last time our daughter was home (24) she called/texted us almost the entire time she was in town but out visiting or whatever. I think she has a better idea of what it’s like to worry about people or something, because she seemed to be hugely respectful of our psyche this trip out. When she is at her “home,” I couldn’t tell you where she was on a daily or nightly basis, but for the four days she was here with us, I knew where she was practically 24/7. go figure.</p>
<p>I asked my mom that – about not having cell phones. Her first response was, “we just didn’t care as much.” To which the whole room found hysterically funny and my kids went slack-jawed</p>
<p>A. Learn to accept her freedom. Parents can try to suppress inclination to panic when D is unreachable, accepting the fact that she is moving ever further into adulthood and will be more and more on her own and not answerable 24-7 to you as parents.</p>
<p>B. Try to prevent panic situation. Explain to D that H’s “wiring” will not change and to make this transitional period easier, you need more info about where she’s going when she goes out with someone new. A name and address in hand is reassuring when the cell phone is not being answered. </p>
<p>I have boys, so my fantasies when they can’t be reached don’t lean towards serial killers. Car accidents, sure, but not abduction and murder. It must be harder having Ds, I think.</p>
<p>(If she chose to ) D could time our phone calls to her by reading the TV Guide plot synopses. Murdered college co-ed tonight on CSI? Riiiiiiiiing. ;)</p>
<p>God points, jmmom. I think in this day and age we are too connected, too reachable and expect instantaneous responses to lots of things. How many of us get impatient when our computers are slow to load? We live in an age of immediacy. My H answers his cell or texts even if we are in the middle of dinner. Granted it could be a computer system problem that requires prompt attention, but if he sees it is a call from someone that is unlikely to be urgent, it can wait (IMO). Patients occasionally answer their cellphones or text messages or check their blackberries when we are taking a history. I have to tell people to turn them off during testing. </p>
<p>Yesterday, my cellphone rang and I saw that it was older s. I was on the phone so didnt get to it quickly enough. I tried calling back but got v.m. so left a msg. Waited a little while and didnt hear back, so I texted him to see what was up (reminder-- he and younger s are in Colo skiing on what was supposed to be a family vacation b4 DH broke his leg/ankle, and last time older s skiied, he ended up in the hospital with a shattered femur and now has a titanium rod in his leg). No response to text, so tried to text younger s. No response. Waited a little while and called DH to see if he’d heard from them. No. Waited a little while and started to worry a little bit, so called again. Went right to VM. I also had something I wanted to tell older s and wanted to before I forgot (a frequent occurrence these days) so felt moderately justified in that second call (I did not leave a msg the second time I called, and I figured they were out of cell range.) I finally got a hold of him-- he’d dialed me in error as they were getting off the mountain and getting their ride back (a friend is with them, who recently tore his MCL snowboarding and was picking them up to get back to the condo). So was I overly concerned? Probably. Was I somewhat justified, in that my guys tend to be daredevils on the slope, and each has broken more than one bone? I think so. I guess its a balance of comfort level and history.</p>
<p>heartbroken–I’d suggest you let father and daughter work this out on their own. </p>
<p>My S has to deal with the fairly radically different comfort levels that his mother and I have. One panics, pursues and demands apologies even when no promises were made. The other figures bad news travels fast.</p>
<p>Ancient history lesson #12: WAY back B.C.P. (before cell phones), and before answering machines and faxes and pagers, etc., parents and their children functioned relatively fine when they were apart and not in instant and/or constant contact. </p>
<p>Heck --I can even remember times that I would not have wanted what I was doing interrupted by a call from my parents. I figure human nature hasn’t changed that much since then.</p>
<p>^^^^ If you were the parent of the daughter, you’d want that activity interrupted by a cellphone, 07dad!</p>
<p>I believe that’s called phonus interruptus.</p>
<p>New form of birth control?? (probably not-- who would answer at such times??)</p>
<p>I don’t know about that. Not if you put it on vibrate</p>
<p>I don’t think you are doing much to assuage OP’s H’s angst, 07dad.</p>