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<p>I’ll bet if the daughter tells her boyfriend, he’ll confirm that the uncle is indeed a jerk. There’s at least one in every extended family.</p>
<p>northeastmom,</p>
<p>I googled and came up with this: <a href=“http://www.faqs.org/faqs/judaism/FAQ/04-Observance/section-58.html[/url]”>http://www.faqs.org/faqs/judaism/FAQ/04-Observance/section-58.html</a> Probably more than you want to know!</p>
<p>My mom always said that it is ruder to draw attention to someone else’s rudeness than any act of rudeness. I think we all agree that your daughter’s “transgression,” as the uncle saw it, was far outstripped in rudeness by the uncle’s “tutelage” on the subject. I suppose that would also make us very rude, except that a) the uncle isn’t here and b) we are tying to figure out what he thought should have been done.</p>
<p>BTW, I have the Amy Vanderbilt book here, and it says nothing about the behavior of women on first meeting outside of a business relationship. </p>
<p>Was she supposed to offer her hand to be kissed? YUCK!</p>
<p>Three things…</p>
<ol>
<li><p>I’ve heard the “woman extends hand first” rule from Miss Manners. So the uncle is wrong. What is he expecting, a hug? a nod? Sigh… Perhaps the D can send him an etiquette book.</p></li>
<li><p>The main thing to remember is to not squeeze the other person’s hand too hard. I have small hands that have been crushed by the “power shake,” and that aches. This is doubly true for elders who may have arthritis. </p></li>
<li><p>Uncle is not a reflection upon the boyfriend. The boyfriend’s reaction (cold stare at Uncle and consolation to D later v. lack of support for D or agreement with Uncle) is a reflection upon the boyfriend. In some families, you are just taught to not call out your elders the way that the uncle deserved to be called out - and that doesn’t mean that the boyfriend is a bad person. How he handles the situation - balancing respect for family/elders with respect for D - is the big issue.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I believe that your daughter extended her hand in a warm, kind and friendly manner and I am shocked and dismayed at the reaction of her bf’s uncle. Your daughter did nothing wrong. I hope this won’t discourage her from continuing to put forth a warm introduction. Since we know nothing of the uncle’s background, I can’t imagine what would have led him to be so rude, but I do hope someone in his family makes him aware (privately) that he caused your DD to be embarrassed. I’ve always considered myself to be friendly and outgoing and I often greet people whom I’m meeting for the first time (women and men) with a handshake and a smile. Heck, here in the South, we even greet some strangers with hugs, especially if they are close friends or family members of other friends.</p>
<p>From Emily Post, 1922 (How times have changed!)</p>
<p>SHAKING HANDS</p>
<p>Gentlemen always shake hands when they are introduced to each other. Ladies rarely do so with gentlemen who are introduced to them; but they usually shake hands with other ladies, if they are standing near together. All people who know each other, unless merely passing by, shake hands when they meet. 12
A gentleman on the street never shakes hands with a lady without first removing his right glove. But at the opera, or at a ball, or if he is usher at a wedding, he keeps his glove on. 13</p>
<p>PERSONALITY OF A HANDSHAKE</p>
<p>A handshake often creates a feeling of liking or of irritation between two strangers. Who does not dislike a boneless hand extended as though it were a spray of sea-weed, or a miniature boiled pudding? It is equally annoying to have ones hand clutched aloft in grotesque affectation and shaken violently sideways, as though it were being used to clean a spot out of the atmosphere. What woman does not wince at the viselike grasp that cuts her rings into her flesh and temporarily paralyzes every finger? 14
The proper handshake is made briefly; but there should be a feeling of strength and warmth in the clasp, and, as in bowing, one should at the same time look into the countenance of the person whose hand one takes. In giving her hand to a foreigner, a married woman always relaxes her arm and fingers, as it is customary for him to lift her hand to his lips. But by a relaxed hand is not meant a wet rag; a hand should have life even though it be passive. A woman should always allow a man who is only an acquaintance to shake her hand; she should never shake his. To a very old friend she gives a much firmer clasp, but he shakes her hand more than she shakes his. Younger women usually shake the hand of the older; or they both merely clasp hands, give them a dropping movement rather than a shake, and let go. 15</p>
<p>POLITE GREETINGS FROM YOUNGER TO OLDER</p>
<p>It is the height of rudeness for young people not to go and shake hands with an older lady of their acquaintance when they meet her away from home, if she is a hostess to whose house they have often gone. It is not at all necessary for either young women or young men to linger and enter into a conversation, unless the older lady detains them, which she should not do beyond the briefest minute. 16
Older ladies who are always dragging young men up to unprepossessing partners, are studiously avoided and with reason; but otherwise it is inexcusable for any youth to fail in this small exaction of polite behavior. If a young man is talking with some one when an older lady enters the room, he bows formally from where he is, as it would be rude to leave a young girl standing alone while he went up to speak to Mrs. Worldly or Mrs. Toplofty. But a young girl passing near an older lady can easily stop for a moment, say How do you do, Mrs. Jones! and pass on. 17
People do not cross a room to speak to any one unlessto show politeness to an acquaintance who is a stranger there; to speak to an intimate friend; or to talk to some one about something in particular. 18</p>
<p><a href=“Authors - Collection at Bartleby.com”>Authors - Collection at Bartleby.com;
<p>A previous poster said “It is always the woman who extends her hand to a man when introduced. . . . Another point of etiquette: it is the woman who initiates the conversation between a man and a woman, setting the tone and giving an indication of direction of the conversation. Both points of etiquette are to be used in both social and business situations.”</p>
<p>I don’t really agree with this. The difference between men and women is not a difference that is recognized in the workplace. The rules that apply in business are not those that govern social situations, but rather the rules that apply are those that govern normal courtesy, combined with recognition of differences in organizational rank. </p>
<p>In any case, let me add my voice to the multitude that feel the uncle is in the wrong. In fact the unc’s response verged on the unforgivable. To correct another’s actions is rude; but to essentially reject a well-meant proffer of a handshake was tantamount (as your D’s reaction appropriately reflected) to rejecting that person. Even in the Victorian times when politeness was all, refusing to shake someone’s hand was one of the gravest insults. The uncle was wrong on every single level, and your D was right on every single level.</p>
<p>Even though I shake hands with people in business situations, I would be happy if the custom went away. Too many germs exchanged! I actually think Donald Trump is on to something - he doesn’t shake hands with people.</p>
<p>Collegeparent, what you said is what I have always understood. People’s daughter was strictly correct in the situation.</p>
<p>
Aaah. I might can be of some help here. That is due to the fear that a hearty handshake would undermine the integrity of the complicated flying buttress and levee system used to hold the Donald’s hair in place . The resulting “hair tsunami” or “hair surge” could cause significant property damage. This threat prompted insurance underwriters to insist on a very stringent "no handshake " clause on page two of “the Policy”. (See also Page 3 of “the Policy”, “Convertibles” and Pages 4 through 135 , “Limitations on Sexual Activity”. )</p>
<p>You are all wonderful - Thanks so much for the support! I will definitely encourage dd’s warm approach in social situations!</p>
<p>Curmudgeon, ROTFL! I love the idea of the "hair tsunami!</p>
<p>Another classic from Curmudgeon!!!</p>
<p>curmudgeon,</p>
<p>LOL. Do you have first hand experience to back up your incredible insight? ;)</p>
<p>audiophile, I am proud to report that I have zero comb-over experience.</p>
<p>Shouldn’t someone tell him what his head looks like? I’d have to. Really, I would.</p>
<p>If my family was involved, probably everybody would be hugging and kissing…the uncle might have a heart attack at my house!</p>
<p>Honestly though, how very low class to belittle your daughter. I think handshakes are entirely appropriate and if he thought not, he should have kept it to himself. I’d be interested to see if her bf intervened in any way to defend her or to smooth over the awkward situation. If so, that would have been the class act of the night.</p>
<p>Apologies for hijacking the thread. My S attended this ceremony:</p>
<p>‘Funny science’ gets its reward
The comb-over in action (BBC)
The “comb-over”: It’s deadly serious if you are going bald
Researchers who patented a comb-over hairstyle in 1975 were top prize winners in the engineering section of this year’s Ig Nobel awards.</p>
<p>Father and son team Frank and Donald Smith developed a method to cover partial baldness using only the individual’s own hair.</p>
<p>Award organisers, the Annals of Improbable Research publishers, say the Igs are meant to celebrate the unusual.</p>
<p>They also aim to encourage interest in science, medicine, and technology.</p>
<p>This year’s prizes were awarded at a sell-out gala ceremony at Harvard University in Massachusetts and the prizes were handed to the winners by genuine Nobel Laureates. </p>
<p><a href=“http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/3708278.stm[/url]”>http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/3708278.stm</a></p>
<p>Just as an addendum to the story: My dd finally told bf what uncle had said to her (he wasn’t aware - out of earshot at the time). His response, “My uncle is a total blowhard. Ignore him - Everyone else in the family does! You were nicer to him than he deserves.” So, she feels much, much better and secure once again. Thanks again to everyone who made BOTH of us feel better! Geez, who’d have thought a handshake could be such an issue!</p>
<p>and… curmudgeon’s commentary about The Donald’s system of flying hair buttresses & levee system… my h just came upstairs to check on me, wondering what set off my chortles!</p>
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<p>Predicted in post #21. Do I get a prize or anything?</p>