<p>Well, my d had a rather rude encounter with her new boyfriend’s family - When introduced to his uncles, etc., she automatically stuck out her hand for a handshake (I don’t think I’ve ever taught her this, but it was reflex). One of the uncles promptly told her that young ladies don’t shake hands outside business. My poor d was set back on her heels, totally humiliated. So… for those out there “in-the-know”, what do your young ladies and gentlemen typically do when introduced socially to elders? Should they do the handshake?</p>
<p>If Unc was expecting a curtsy, he needs to get out more.</p>
<p>Anyone with clean hands can shake hands in the US upon meeting. In some urban neighborhoods the handshakes are almost a coded ritual and can be involved. I would be interested in her boyfriends take, as the uncle seems quite rude, to criticize upon first meeting, which is not acceptable in finer circles anywhere.</p>
<p>I agree with the other posters. Your D was appropriate, the uncle was rude.</p>
<p>I did ask what the b’friend’s reaction was. He was out of earshot at the time, and my d was so embarrassed, she didn’t even tell him what happened. I’m not an etiquette maven, so I’m honestly at a loss to advise her for future introductions. My gut impression is that she was absolutely fine in her approach, but she bombarded me with insecure questions, like “Should I shake hands with mothers? Should I wait until someone offers their hand to me?” I truly don’t know…</p>
<p>I think the uncle was old-fashioned but also rude. I believe that the correct etiquette would have been for the social superior (boss, older person, etc…) to stick out his/her hand and for the younger, social inferior to then shake it. But an even better show of courtesy would have been for the uncle to refrain from pointing out this very slight breach of very old-fashioned etiquette.</p>
<p>marite (morphing into Ms. Manners)</p>
<p>I always thought it was impolite for a man to extend his had to woman, but ok for a woman to initiate the handshake. I don’t know where I heard this, just one of those rules from long ago.</p>
<p>I truly appreciate this feedback - My D doesn’t want to hear “what Mom thinks is correct”, she wants to what society KNOWS is correct, so she can be secure. This encounter was at a rather upper-crust country club, so their reaction carries more weight with her at this point! I told her that perhaps the uncle had spent too much time at the bar…</p>
<p><a href=“http://etiquetteplace.com/faqs.html[/url]”>http://etiquetteplace.com/faqs.html</a></p>
<p>Q. Dear Etiquette Place, I fully understand the importance of a firm handshake in a business setting. Everything about me, who I am, and what I represent can often be summed up in the first few moments of a meeting - starting with the handshake. However, as a man, I meet more and more professional women in the workforce and I get a variety of handshakes from women; some firm, some, well less than firm. My question is, in this age of political correctness, how do I know if I should and how I should, shake a woman’s hand?</p>
<p>A. A firm handshake is both proper and appropriate in any situation. The old fashioned gentleman will remember that once upon a time, a man waited for a woman to extend her hand first, otherwise he never initiated the handshake. Oh my, how times have changed. A firm handshake is in order for both genders for a social or business situation and either male or female, may initiate the handshake first. It is said in business, that the one who draws the hand first, wins. The only exception to this rule of handshaking is on the occasion of meeting the quite elderly or the disabled. You would then let them offer to initiate the handshake first.</p>
<p>If that’s upper-crust in America, then count me out.</p>
<p>I’ve shaken hands with women from top positions in Washington, Los Angeles, and New York. They all seemed quite comfortable with it.</p>
<p>If Linda Daschle wasn’t “upper-crust” enough for that jerk uncle, I suspect he just hasn’t been outside of his golf circle enough. </p>
<p>Tell your daughter to extend her hand as much as she wants.</p>
<p>I also think that the uncle had imbibed a bit too much. A person who truly valued etiquette would never have said such things to a young person.
More importantly, social mores are changing very rapidly, leading to the kind of fluidity described in scma’s posting. Was the uncle "quite elderly or disabled’? </p>
<p>I remember the occasion when a foreign visitor, wanting to impress my mother, bowed over her hand and kissed her fingers. We kids, ill-mannered as we were, ■■■■■■■■■ for the rest of the day.</p>
<p>Agree with all of the above. DD was fine to offer her hand. Uncle is a clod.</p>
<p>However, I imagine DD will be more than hesitant to initiate a handshake in social situations in the future. If so, I suggest she smile openly and say how happy she is to meet xx (hands at sides). If the other proffers a hand, then she can shake without worrying. If not, she will have been quite polite and correct in a warm, but handshakeless, greeting. <em>says jmmom with absolutely nothing to go on but common sense and common courtesy</em></p>
<p>I think she should high-five the uncle next time she sees him.<br>
Seriously, as has been said, the uncle committed a far greater affront to civility than People’s daughter would have had she committed a little faux pas (which she didn’t). What he did was beyond rude–it was mean.</p>
<p>Although it’s a bit old fashioned, your daughter’s etiquette was indeed correct. It is always the woman who extends her hand to a man when introduced. In fact, if she does not, the man waits for her to do so – and if she does not, it’s an indication that she’s not to the manner born. Another point of etiquette: it is the woman who initiates the conversation between a man and a woman, setting the tone and giving an indication of direction of the conversation. Both points of etiquette are to be used in both social and business situations.</p>
<p>Man, who knew that there were so many rules over a handshake…</p>
<p>I always thought it was just the person in a higher position that extended his or her hand first…</p>
<p>Is this uncle very religious? It is my understanding, for example, that an Orthodox Jewish male would not shake hands with a female. The reason is bcs she would be considered impure if she were menstruating.</p>
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<p>Strictly Orthodox Jewish men & women do not touch members of the opposite sex out of respect for their spouses and the marital bond. Somehow, I doubt this was the situation here. More likely, the uncle is a misinformed, arrogant boor.</p>
<p>In fairness, different communities and families may have different customs, and of course some people embarrass people as a way of claiming authority, so this may not be an acurate reflection on the entire family. Considering the old mans tack, he probably doesn’t get a lot of handshakes.</p>
<p>If the boyfriend is close to the uncle and that side of the family, d might want to think about new boyfriend. Uncle was a real jerk.</p>
<p>Audiophile, If the uncle were not married, he still would not shake hands even with other ppl around. Would that be, at least in part, for the reason I gave?
Isn’t that one of the reasons that women do not read from the Torah? Just curious.</p>