I think that you should print out and reread bjkmom’s post daily. I totally empathize. D1 was/is super smart, but also had “application” issues. I knew that she had and was being medicated for ADHD. At the time, I saw some of these issues as lack of motivation, and they made me out of my tree crazy. Like you, I helicoptered (is that a verb?) like crazy throughout K12. It’s a tough choice - do we helicopter to allow their brains to catch up with their peers, or do we let them fail and reduce their options when they do mature. Forgive yourself. I am sure that you made the very best decision that you could at the time, and (if you are like me) obsessed over it while making those decisions. We were accidentally fortunate in that she overheard me venting to my husband one day in sophomore year about how mad it made me, and she looked so crushed that I verbally committed to stopping, as I realized that I was losing the relationship in pursuit of “a good college.” It is SO EASY to have your eye on that “prize” and lose the big picture! Simultaneously, she visited some colleges, and a fire was lit. SHE asked “what can I do to get in” and we elected to hire an outsider to “coach” her on the steps to get “there.” It was tough - the coach was chosen without personal recommendations, and turned out to be weak. As an educator specializing in special needs, I could have done a much better job. IF it wasn’t my child. My tongue was so sore from biting it. That said, our relationship improved dramatically. She was successful in college, and is working in her field now, but it could have just as easily gone your son’s way. At this point, in my opinion, I think you should consider (1) apologizing for pressuring and pushing him toward your dream (he needs to hear this) (2) Reiterate to him that you think he is smart and capable and able to forge his own path (3) Focus on building a warm and supportive relationship with him regardless of what relatively menial(being honest) job he chooses first and (4) let his brain mature. He is clearly not a straight path kid, and that’s just fine!!! You have learned your lesson - he is one that needs to be in control of his own destiny, even though he has not proved his good sense to date. If he does decide to go to a community college, I would encourage him using the community college counselling services early on. You did the best you could with the information you had. Hindsight is always 20/20. Hang in there!!!
OP, keep in mind that some people do not try hard in academic settings, but work very hard in other settings. I could never study hard in school setting and got by barely to get degrees and understand concepts good enough to get C+s or Bs, but was able to work very hard with dedication in business world. The fact your kid is working hard shows he is not a lazy kid. Getting good grades is not for everyone.
I thank my mom who signed all permission slips to skip school. Lol
Just want to add that community college is a good option for other types of students as well. I did super well in high school. I had such big goals and thought anything was possible. I was so happy to get a top scholarship at UC Davis, into their environmental and ag college which is one of the best in the country. It became my identity and I was obsessed with it before going. Then I got there. When my life didn’t immediately meet my expectations, I lost it. I became unhealthily depressed and left quickly. I knew I was giving up an incredible opportunity, but that I simply wasn’t ready. Even as a top student in high school I should’ve considered local options and community colleges too. I was so focused on the ideals and dreams of my college experience that I didn’t look at the reality of my living situation. It was simply too much of a shock too fast. Luckily I still have a clean transcript ready for me to excel at a local school, but I must say it’s hard to not think about the life I could’ve had and the opportunities I gave up.
I wrote above post because too often people or adults think kids who don’t apply themselves hard towards academic studying will not work hard in other contexts. Could be true for some but not at all for many kids. I had 99.99% SAT score and just didn’t feel like trying hard in academics unless it really mattered and had some consequences in the real world. Also, belief in my intelligence was not tied to my gpa. I just tend to view people as wanting to excel and try hard in different areas at different times in their lives.
However, it amuses me when people refer to Asian-American kids as study drones. Would they have the same attitudes towards kids who practice golf swings, practicing the same different moves on soccer field or basketball every day for hours with super dedication because they want to make college teams and out compete other kids? Well, that same dedicated training under Korean archery coaches by the way has paid off big time for non-Asian White archery shooters who are now expected to win medals in archery competitions. Every kid who tries hard with dedication in different endeavors should be lauded and respected. Just because I did not choose to do the same does not mean the other kids who do should be called demeaning names. Unless you are so talented in some area, you need a great discipline and capacity to work hard to do well in any area. And get this, being able to apply oneself hard in one discipline itself is a great talent. Being able to motivate oneself towards a goal is one of the greatest talents in human beings.
It’s been a while since I posted on this thread and wanted to give an update. After many long conversations, we decided to let DS return to college for the fall semester. DS felt that he had learned a hard lesson when we kicked him out at the beginning of the summer, and he “woke up” when he realized what life would be without a college education. Before he left, we wrote out clear expectations, and what the consequences would be for all choices - good and bad.
There were ups and downs during in the beginning of the semester. He was overwhelmed with work, even though he only took 13 credits… He sought the help of college counselors and academic coaches, but because they weren’t as helpful as we thought they would be (that’s a story for another post). He finally got the hang of things and was able to get into a rhythm.
DS wrapped up the semester with 2 A’s and 3 B’s. He has a sense of pride and accomplishment that I haven’t seen since the Middle School years. We are so proud of him! We were always there to encourage him and give him tips, but did not interfere or meddle. We knew he had to figure this out on his own.
It’s been a long journey, many lessons learned, but I’m glad things are turning around. I hope sharing my story has helped others. Hang in there, things can get better.
Thanks for the update. This is great news!
I’m sure it was harrowing and stressful. But it does help – and shows a path for others.
Next step: confirming the great strides, no backsliding 
Thank you for the update!
I was the same helicopter parent. My son got it together after his first year, and is now a college junior, with a computer science job in a professor’s lab making more than his dad. He got his first paycheck and asked if we needed money, that he wanted to help us and his brothers and sister out now. Don’t evaluate the outcome for another 5-10-15 years. Ultimately, you were kind and loving and supportive. Isn’t that the most important thing to teach?
Thanks for the update, glad it is working out. My S dropped out of college after his first year. He lost a full tuition scholarship. Spring of his freshman year when he continued to do poorly we flew him home to see a psychiatrist and get tested for learning disabilities. He was similar to your S in high school. Often fell behind in homework, didn’t turn it in, etc. He always tested exceptionally well though and got B+ and A’s through out HS. His SAT was a 2190. Ended up he had EFD and has a very high IQ. After he came home he took some courses at the local state college and CC. Always ended up with poor grades. We stopped paying for college and he stopped going. He likes to learn, but despises busy work. Good kid who worked low wage jobs til a few months ago. He is now in the pipefitters union as an apprentice. He is making very good money, with great benefits and loves, loves, loves his job. His self esteem is through the roof. The funny thing is, he goes to class one week out of every 6 and loves it. When the other apprentices do not want to take their turn practicing, my S takes their turn. He is eager to learn and get better. He posts pictures of what he is learning
and put some big , heavy hunk of metal that he cut at work on the fireplace mantle. haha. Maybe he will someday go back to school, maybe not. I am no longer worried. Everyone told me he would find himself, but until a few months ago I wasn’t sure.
A quick update on my child, he found an organization that helps out-of-work and out-of-school youths with professional development. Two or three days of those services (resume help, interview sills, networking practice) he got not one but two jobs – very high-level jobs in fact, ones that he needs to wear a suit for. He splits his time between them and they seem cooperative. He’s thrilled with the pay and plans to work at least a year before considering next moves.
@mamom that’s a great story. My S is in a very similar place in life, and loving it.
@sbgal2011 that’s great news, thanks for coming back with the update!
@sbgal2011 congratulations to your son on his successful semester! It did take guts to post last year and I appreciate it a lot that you did. Part of it is the culture. It’s easy to get wrapped up especially when a lot of messages are that it’s a parental failure when kids don’t do well academically. You did a great job - parenting definitely doesn’t end when they are 18.
@Dustyfeathers That’s great news! The organization you mentioned sounds wonderful, I wish more communities had those.
@mamom So glad he found something he loves! That’s the most important thing. If they love it, they will stick to it.
I don’t think I mentioned that my DS changed his major. That was another factor for his success. He loves his new major and enjoys his classes.
Thanks for the kind words, hopefully DS will continue to stay on track!1
OP,
Don’t beat yourself. You sound like a caring parent and even though you went overboard but you tried in ways you felt were helpful. You weren’t an expert in raising children nor had a crystal ball. All isn’t lost, he isn’t even 21 yet, he can mature and find his balance. It may not be what you’ve imagined or at a pace you may prefer but he’ll be alright.
Thank you for sharing it with other parents. Even if one parent or a child benefits, you’ve done good. All those efforts, that were wasted on him, focus those on your own life. You only got one life to live. Love him too but accept him as an independent adult and let him live on his own terms.
It’s important to respect personal boundaries, our kids aren’t our extensions. They are individuals. Hey, at least he isn’t “exploring life” on your dime. Let him struggle a bit, don’t start supporting his free spirit, let him learn how to handle responsibility.
Just read your follow up. Good for him and for you. I love happy endings.
Thank you for sharing your story and for your advice - I am you- just a couple years behind and your words will hopefully guide me to let go a little and let my kid spread his wings and take ownership. He sleeps soundly while I obsess over internet research and these forums on schools- which one is the right one for him? Do we need to visit more? Is the perfect school out there but we just haven’t found it yet? Will he get in? What if he gets deferred? Have I checked all the portals today to see if there are any updates…and the list goes on.
I agree with many of the other posters. For example, your son is a high school graduate, living on his own, supporting himself, and he is still quite young. This is not the ideal path towards a stable economic future but it is a solid start. Time will pass, he will mature, and he very likely will return to college. If not, being independent at such a young age really is an accomplishment and it shows promise in itself. While it is tempting to feel like you could have changed this situation by different parenting, you really don’t know that. There are LOTS of young adults who did not graduate from high school, who may never live completely independently, who “did it on their own.”
To add to the discussion: My suggestion is to avoid the assumption about “cause and effect.” Yeah, I get it, you feel you over-helped in high school and so your son did not learn the skills necessary for college success. The thing is, lots of kids struggle to adjust to college life, LOTS of kids, regardless of how much their parents helped them in high school. Sometimes there is enormous variation in short term college outcomes even within families.
At the end of the day, it not always about us. Sometimes, it is about the kid. And his story is not yet written.
I get that is indeed a necessary part in life… I am in high school and since my parents stopped supervising me I started to suck… But now it’s better
You are too tough on yourself! But thank you for the post because as a fellow (though you will rarely hear me admit it) helicopter parent I can see exactly what you are saying.
I raised my niece who, unlike my son, was one of those students you never had to remind to do anything and had a 4.5gpa in highschool. She did the same thing your son did, right down to the “working at the supermarket.” It really has more to do with thier maturity level, than your influence as a parent. We stopped all financial support for her - no emergency $100, nothing. It killed me to do it - I was convinced she would be homeless or worse. She did couch surf for a while. She hated us and stopped speaking to us for a while too. About a year later she saw how hard life is on minimum-ish wage and how your college treat you different when you aren’t in college. She got herself back in college and ended up graduating with a Doctorate of Psychology. (P.S. - she never really forgave us but I know we did the right thing.)
My son is Senior - got great scholarships to Gonzaga and TCU, still deciding. I have resorted to everything short of abuse to get him to turn in work, study and be a responsible student his whole highschool career (ie…helicopter parent). He is the polar opposite of my niece for highschool. I appreciate your heads up - we are definitely worried about him for college but he is a different kid than my niece. He has had an online business since he was 12, he has paid for his clothes, haircuts, spending money since he was 13. He is going to college on the understanding that he will take out his own loans and figure out his own financing. When he finishes, we will help him pay it off.
I am betting that a year or so out of college, living the tough life will change your son’s perspective.
Also - you did a great job as a parent to give your child direction and support for the best future possible. Applying for college and even qualifying to get there is much harder than the 80’s - are you kidding! I just filled out a one page piece of paper and got a check for $125 from my dad back in the 80’s. Sure there was a little essay and maybe they met with me quickly for an “interview” but it was NOTHING like it is today! Schools cost $60,000 a year right now-very few parents can just “send” their kids to college like they did in the 80’s. Kids need to get scholarships and compete for merit aid. It’s a battle ground to even get to the point where they can do an application. You did exactly what you should do for your son based on what kids need today. Everyone has to make mistakes, much better to make them at 19 when you can “do over” in a minute, than it is to screw up at 40 when you wreck your career, marriage and children. You gave your son a great foundation, he will figure it out.