Hire a helicopter parent?

Parents Forum
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According to an article in the NYTimes today there are now services where you can hire a local parent to look after your kid

On a Saturday in late August, two days before school started, Mindy Horwitz pulled up to Anthony Equale’s apartment complex with the glassware she had been storing for him. When he emerged, Horwitz hugged him and then pulled out a surprise four-pack of his favorite sugar-free energy drinks. It was the kind of moment a mom might share with her child. But though Horwitz, 56, has taken to calling Equale “her very independent son,” they are not related. Rather, Equale’s parents, who live in Houston, have paid her about $1,600 for unlimited support since he was a college freshman at Washington University in St. Louis.

Words fail me…

https://www.nytimes.com/2026/09/13/well/college-concierge-mom.html?unlocked_article_code=1.A1E.qIqU.BvWGr2PwCcNM&smid=url-share

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At my daughter’s school, there’s a mom who does Matzo Ball soup and other dropoffs. It’s not a subscription like this - but if they get sick or are having a bad day, etc.

It’s just a service to another level. There are many services out there and this mom found a niche it sounds like (although I can’t see the entire article).

There are so many people willing to buy their kids happiness - so if they can afford it, good for them. It’s not for me but…

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At our CA law school, there was a “Hawaii Club” and a woman who kind of “adopted” the Hawaii kids there, some of whom were homesick. She kept an eye out and helped some of them a bit. I was determined to find my way and did fine making new friends and really was not homesick at all. The kids whom she helped really liked her and bonded with her and were sad when she retired as they viewed her as a doting aunt.

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So the idea of an everyday mom to do All The Things seems like a bit much. That said, I did just hire a local person - who happens to be a mom of someone who once attended S25s school - to make a deliver a birthday dinner to him and his roommates. She’s making his favorites (tray of lasagna, roasted broccoli, garlic bread, and a carrot cake). Am I paying more than I would if I treated them to a restaurant meal, yep. But I’m happy to support this random mom and I like the idea of a little in person TLC for my guys birthday dinner.

There is also a parent who has made a business of being available to drive students to off campus physical therapy or other doctor appointments. She doesn’t go in with them, but she’ll wait in the parking lot and if they are nervous or scared and they ask she’ll go in and wait with them. I haven’t used this and don’t think my kid would like it, but I could see how some students might want or need this kind of thing, particularly freshmen who may not have a broad circle of friends to drive them or accompany them.

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For those who can’t see the article, this is from a comment by a semiretired professor:

“Semi-retired college professor here. Dear Parents, please believe me when I tell you that this is a problem. Over the past 20 years, my colleagues and I have watched a steady decline in students being able to “do” for themselves. It’s depressing…and frankly, maddening. Less resilience for sure, dwindling ability to problem-solve, passivity, and pushing off what should be personal responsibility onto others. Only a couple of people mentioned gender here, but when adults (and they are adults) within a college community consistently expect women to “mother” them, we’re not only setting feminism back by half a century, but we’re also setting up outsized expectations for faculty (especially female) to provide kinds support outside of teaching and research that are inappropriate. As a faculty member I had parents calling or emailing to complain about their children’s grades, or to explain that Johnny didn’t come to class because of a tummy ache—would I excuse him? This is a surefire way to pretty much guarantee that every professor in the department will remember that “child’s” name and never write him a recommendation. For parents that have vulnerable children, yes, I get it, but they have to learn to recognize their own symptoms and know when and how to ask for help—including how to get themselves to the emergency room if no one is around to care for them. It’s what adults do. They learn to be responsible for themselves.”

I have to agree. It’s no wonder my husband is struggling with the work ethic from these graduates. The last crop, his company hired, had no inkling about how to start a task. Rarely does he see any of them take the initiative and step outside the box. His hires are well-vetted and trained by him, but those are the first who are promoted away from him.

He has been frustrated by their creativity in filling their timesheets with no productive work to show. The company has its hands tied.

Our daughter refuses team members who are unproductive. She has enough authority in her selection of her core team.

This reminds me of when a parent did the homework for their child. Sounds like the same thing. These birds don’t fly from their nest.

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At some point it catches up with the student - unless you hire someone to do your actual work.

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I read about this a while back, and it does seem inconsistent with my view that going away to college is a great opportunity to learn about adulting through good old trial and error.

That said, as my S24 has been going through his college experience, and now that my D30 has started boarding school, I am becoming very aware we are still much more connected thanks to modern technology than I was back when I went off to college. Like, my S24 thinks I am good at finding restaurants, so will still text me to help him find a good place. Both of the kids treat me as their personal Amazon shopper. And so on.

I sometimes grumble about this, but then I realize this is our new reality, so I need to adjust too, and I actually do appreciate more ongoing connection.

But still, this in-person mom-substitute stuff–that doesn’t feel sustainable to me, or shouldn’t be.

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I live in a college town, and have often done things for students, but not paid, and not to this level. For example, we’ve stored items, brought food to students with allergies for special occasions, housed parents who couldn’t pay for grad-weekend rates, and yes, I have taken kids to the doctor or the grocery store. But those are all people known to us, and largely before Uber (freshmen here are not allowed cars).

I agree that part of “the college experience” is learning to cope and adulting is hard.

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I think this can be both things true at the same time. Too much coddling can produce adult children who never learn to adult. OTOH, it is also true that it is not always necessary for Child B to become self-sufficient at the same age Child A became self-sufficient

It’s easy to take this article at face value and say “this is too much babying. Those students should be able to take care of themselves.” But I don’t want to make the mistake of limiting our adulting-clock to college students.

I know of family situations where teenagers moves out of the home soon after high school graduation, get full-time jobs, and start paying rent, auto insurance, and every other bill in their lives. Maybe even become young parents who handle raising a baby on top of everything else. Should we look at those 20 year olds, compare them to 20 year old college students, and demean the college students because the college students haven’t become as self-sufficient and capable as the 20 year olds not in college who are fully self-sufficient?

If necessary, I’m okay allowing my kids to marinate a little longer. Don’t want to go to college at 18? Fine, take another year … or three. In college, but having difficulty with non-class life things? Fine, I’ll help you through it. Need an on-site stand-in parental-like figure? If I could afford it, why not?

Every person is unique. When it comes to expectations of my children, I often think of Guglielmo Giovanni Maria Marconi, the Italian inventor of the telegraph. Marconi’s childhood was one of secluded comfort. He was tempermental in a way we might described as “spoiled”. He did not take classes as other students might, preferring tutors his parents brought in for him. When he was older, instead of becoming a true college student, his parents arranged for him to “sit in” (audit) classes where the stress of actually taking a class would not cause anxiety. This set-up also allowed him to skip classes when he did not feel up to attending - something we would deride in a modern college student. All his life, he was allowed to learn at his own pace, both academically and socially. Marconi went on to become a renowned inventor and businessman.

Everyone adults at their own pace. I’m glad to allow different people different timetables when it comes to learning different things. This is especially true for individuals who might be on the spectrum and have difficulty learning to read social cues as promptly as non-spectrum students.

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I think those are very important points to consider. I suppose my default sentiment is that if a kid is not ready to live outside of the home, or not far away from their family, then that is what they should do. That could mean deferring college for a while, or it could mean choosing a college near home, both of which are fine.

I am a little more skeptical it is a good idea for such a kid to move far away from home and then get a surrogate parent. That said, that isn’t a hard rule in my mind, just something I would be more cautious about than the above scenarios.

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I don’t think we should necessarily stop a not-fully-formed student from going away if they want to. Also, I guess I don’t look at every trauma event as an opportunity to grow.

People are fond of saying “Iron sharpens Iron”, or “character is forged” or “hardship strengthens you.” I think more often, trauma damages people, often irreparably. Specifically as trauma relates to college, there is a reason why most students who have to work substantial hours while in college never graduate – it is too difficult (traumatic) to work 20+ hours a week and be a good student.

There has to be a strong line between pushing our children to accomplish more, faster … and allowing them the space, support, and guidance they need to continually adapt to new challenges. That’s why, in some cases, it might be a good idea to pay someone to pay a nice visit to a far-away student feeling a little anxiety.

If going through every trauma alone was truly so awesome, every parent here would send their student to college on a Trailways bus with nothing more than $50 and one suitcase, and say “figure out how to survive! I’ll see you at winter break.”

But we don’t do that. We parents pick and choose which trauma is suitable for our college-aged children, and which trauma we individually feel is too much trauma, or unnecessary trauma. None of us say “figure it out, kid” to every situation.

A parent can’t pay for SAT Test prep, life-affirming outings, a new car at 18, visit 7 universities in 5 different states to help the student make the best fit choice, spend $2000 on dorm gear, give the student a credit card paid by the parent, then say, “My kid did everything herself! Why isn’t that other kid as self-sufficient as my kid?”

I think we all have to be a little more honest with ourselves about how much we (us in the CC forums) actually do for our children to better their lives and aid their transitions. I guess I think it’s a little hypocritical for any of us here to say, “THAT parent in the article is going too far!”

Geez, all of us here have gone too far to support our kids’ transition to college and adulthood :rofl:

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There’s a difference between delivering a meal to a sick college student who isn’t your own or starting a niche business driving them to the airport, appointments, etc. - and hiring a surrogate parent for the purpose of daily handholding. Some of the comments and questions I see each year on my kids’ college parent pages DO have me concerned about this future generation and their ability to function without mom stepping in.

I started my freshman year in 1985 and this is exactly what my parents, my husband’s parents and 90% of my classmates’ parents did (minus the Trailways bus, although many of us took that home for school breaks - or sketchy ride shares with people we didn’t know - because our parents weren’t offering to come get us). Most of us didn’t see our parents come back to campus until graduation. There are many other moving parts to growing up Gen X, but this type of experience helped make us into what I believe is perhaps the last truly resilient, self-sufficient generation.

I also agree with this though and confess that I am always poised to jump in and try to solve any problem that my kids have (I think that is a natural parental instinct) but I don’t. One of the best pieces of parenting advice I’ve read is that our kids aren’t always looking for us to solve their problems - sometimes they just need us to listen & validate instead of trying to offer solutions. So that’s what I do, especially now that my kids are adults. If they specifically ask for advice, I try to give it in a way that doesn’t persuade them in any particular direction. Even in situations where I feel strongly one way or another, I rely on my faith in their ability to make the best decision for them.

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For DD, I had both a HS friend, and a CC friend who were more than willing to do things for DD that I couldn’t do from across the country (like make and deliver a nice birthday cake, help me buy gift cards and deliver when these weren’t available online, take my kid out to dinner periodically, etc).

Some things I asked for help…and other things they just offered. It was great.

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I observed a shift in students during the time I worked at a graduate school. At first, the majority of my students were relatively self motivated. Toward the end of my time there, students were becoming less self sufficient. The amount of handholding some expected was ridiculous. My colleague says it’s getting worse all the time. Students flat out demand services from the school that as adults, they should have been responsible for arranging themselves. These are young adults, but they were college grads living and working before starting grad school. Apparently, their parents were still parenting these adults - who then expected the school to take over those duties. Parents are not doing their kids any favors when they swoop in to arrange everything, fix everything, do everything hard for them.

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Same for me. Dropped me off in 1984, gave me $20, never returned. That was most freshmen at my largest in-state university.

That lack of parental/adult assistance at dealing with the difficulties and intricacies of transitioning to college life is also largely responsible for why 66% of the freshmen in my college class failed to graduate. I’m sure you all had that freshmen seminar class where the speaker asked everyone to look to their left and right, then say “only one of the three of you will graduate.” I’d say most of those who graduated had better emotional+financial parental support than those who did not.

I’m not saying you aren’t awesome for graduating from college without any support from your parents. You did do something awesome. I’m just saying I’m glad not every student has to be that awesome to graduate.

There is no shame in extending support to those students who need it. There is no shame in graduating with parents giving 120% effort to the cause.

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So while I respect the need for some balance, it feels to me like not every situation in which a young adult might be confused, uncertain, or even make a mistake should automatically be labeled a trauma. Obviously it is important not to overload their intellectual and emotional capabilities, but I do think all of us parents need to fight the temptation to shelter our kids from learning from not perfectly good experiences.

Again to me obviously this is a question of balance, and it isn’t really possible to judge these practices as applied to every individual without individual details. But I don’t think it is wrong to be concerned this might be getting the balance a little too far on the protective side for some kids.

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I had financial support and “Atta-boy (girl)” for my academic accomplishments - they just weren’t living their lives through my every move. No one I knew had parents who were coming to visit on a regular basis and we weren’t lamenting over it. My husband drove himself to freshman move in. He doesn’t seem to suffer any trauma.

Most people I know graduated in a timely fashion because that’s when their parents stopped paying tuition or providing for them financially. My parents gave me four years, and I gave both my kids four years.

Agree 100%. I was happy to do it when asked and thrilled that they wanted me involved in their college experience (college visits, move-ins, parents’ weekends, football games, etc.)

Yes - IMO, some of the most valuable lessons coming out of the college experience are learning to problem solve, becoming independent and learning to persevere through uncomfortable situations (both socially and academically). Both my girls had bad freshman roommate situations and as much as I wanted to jump through the phone and fix it, they worked through it and reset the rest of their 4 years. Both had health issues along the way, professors they didn’t like, classes that were a struggle, etc. Obviously, if anything becomes too much for them, mentally, then by all means intervene.

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There’s another thread on student loneliness, and I think there’s a connection.

My oldest graduated in 2014, so he was part of the early smartphone generation. That group hadn’t yet become as dependent on their phones as many current students are. He did what generations before him had done, he got to college and made friends. That friend group became his support system.

During his senior year, he broke his arm. It was a complete break that required emergency surgery. I was 1,200 miles away. His friends stepped up in every way - they stayed with him at the hospital, drove him home, brought him meals in those first difficult days, and helped him get back on his feet. I offered to come after surgery, and he told me, “No thanks.”

I sometimes wonder if there’s a connection to the loneliness we’re seeing among students today. When it’s so easy to stay connected to the life you left behind (parents, high school friends, familiar routines), it may actually make it harder to push yourself outside your comfort zone and build new relationships. My son didn’t have that same level of connection at his fingertips, so his friends at college became his people. And when he needed help, they were the ones who were there.

Professors are noticing changes that aren’t positive. It’s an alarm we should listen to. It’s not just helicopter parents to blame, it’s a changed society. Colleges need some self-reflection, too. What they look for in future students may be counter to what actually helps young people thrive once they arrive on campus.

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As someone who has parents so strict they hire peers in my grade to take pictures of me to make sure I’m (my straight A self who’s never even had detention), my parents would 1000% abuse this :sob:

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College is coming soon, and it sounds like it’ll be good for you.

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