Has anyone dealt with elderly parents who are absolutely afraid of dying ?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Hospice was wonderful…but I’m not positive your mom is at the Hospice level…yet. We used Hospice when it was clear that recovery was not going to happen. My stepmom wasn’t happy about it…until we explained that hospice was not just for her, but for us too. She was worried about all of us, and this made sense to her. Also, we explained that Hospice would be better able to coordinate her home care…which they did beautifully. Her wish was NOT to die in a hospital, and hospice made that possible.</p>

<p>Around here, most people are not in hospice care for over a year.</p>

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<p>Ouch!</p>

<p>This is a tough situation. But no one is meant to live forever. The gulf between “going to one’s reward” and the remote “sweet by and by” is what needs to be bridged. </p>

<p>Think how much she will be able to help her grandbabies oh so soon.</p>

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<p>I am sorry, I don’t follow this.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry. It must be terrible to be terrified of dying, something that’s inevitable for all of us. The people I know who are the most accepting of death fall in two groups: 1) those who are deeply religious and believe that Heaven is much better than anything here on Earth, and 2) doctors and nurses who have attended people as they died.</p>

<p>About the second group, I have heard so many of them say that death for older people whose deaths are not sudden is almost always a peaceful, comforting experience. They have told me stories of elderly people speaking, quite coherently and not under the influence of meds, to people who have died before them – people who are clearly “in the room” for them although not visible to anyone else. They have told me about dying people who “saw” God or Jesus with them, as well as people whose last words were those of wonder, accompanied by a smile.</p>

<p>One of my family members, a doctor, upon hearing the news that someone she knows is terminally ill, always asks if she may speak to that person. She offers words of comfort and experience, having held the hands of many people as they died. If you know a doctor, nurse, or hospice worker who has been at deaths, can offer words of comfort, and would be willing to talk to your mother, that might be helpful.</p>

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<p>Munchkin, my dad, who died in September, was also afraid of dying and was prescribed anti-anxiety meds, which he refused to take. But hospice was really a godsend. They sent a chaplain every week, and the nurse who cared for my father was very direct and matter-of-fact about the dying process. When the time came, he was very ready to go and his end was very peaceful and apparently painless.</p>

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Excellent point, thumper. I work with seniors. This is often a very effective argument to make with seniors - that refusing to take meds, see a doctor, move out of a home they can’t manage any longer, wear a medic alert bracelet, get a cell phone, accept in-home help - these things create significant problems for their kids. </p>

<p>Of course some seniors have always been self-centered, and some have experienced age-related cognitive changes that make it difficult for them to think of the needs of others. But many times, a senior will finally address an issue when their children have a calm talk with them about how the senior’s refusal to make changes affects their own lives. And more than once I’ve seen the senior listen better to a son-in-law or daughter-in-law than to their own children.</p>

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<p>Meds. There is no reason she should suffer with this anxiety.</p>

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<p>There is a type of kidney dialysis called PDD (peritoneal dialysis) that I think would be much easier on the heart than hemodialysis. It is done at home, so your mom would almost certainly need somebody in the home to assist her, though otherwise able-bodied people can do it by themselves.</p>

<p>Might be something to ask about/think about.</p>

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<p>As I recall from my MIL’s experience, Hospice is governed by its own policies regarding how soon they can become involved in a case, relative to the medical expectation of how many months the patient is likely to live. It might even vary among regions. Best to ask them where you live. </p>

<p>On the pastor, I witnessed how my MIL, who was Jewish, had her familiar rabbi who phoned and visited sometimes, which she found helpful. That didn’t surprise me, as she’s been religious always.</p>

<p>What intrigued me was how the Hospice pastor, from another faith community, consoled her in completely different ways. As a family we told him not to refer to Jesus or Heaven, ideas that would not resonate with our MIL. But instead to emphasize more general and universal wisdoms he could offer about feelings surrounding death. He did just that. His indepth familiarity with the many emtional nuances of death and dying were also helpful to my MIL. It might have been her, that she could parse out the two forms of counsel (her own rabbi plus the Hospice pastor). </p>

<p>Point is that even someone who has not always been religious might find some helpful support from a Hospice pastor, even from another faith. I mention that because you said your mom is involved in church already. She might find help and comfort from her regular pastor and whoever Hospice might assign to her case. </p>

<p>An advantage of the Hospice pastor is they visit regularly and frequently, as this is their caseload. The church pastor continues to have the entire church workload, so might not be able to see her as often. Together, if your Mom is willing, two pastors is NOT too much.</p>

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<p>My mom had always been self-centered and mom is very self-absorbed in her recent years (understandably because of various up to this point minor health issues). Both parents are but because of dad’s AZ he is much more directable and we are much more able to provide care to him. </p>

<p>I think it may be also the she is experiencing age-related cognitive changes. </p>

<p>There is nothing we the children - there is 4 of us, do, that is good enough for her. To give some perspective. There are 4 of us, except for me, 3 of them live around my parents who live by themselves. 2 brothers live around 5 miles and 5-10 minutes drive away. My sis lives about 20-30 minutes away depending on traffic. My dad was dx’ed with very mild AZ about 2 years ago. My mom always had minor aches and pains and she seeks treatment from massages and acupuncture. Since my dad’s dx, he could not drive any more so there is always a need to drive my mom or dad around to buy groceries, run errands, see docs etc. My mom practically sees a medical professional everyday for various ailments - it’s her bowels, high blood pressure, she has a spot on her leg, massage etc. She was also very social and probably have some kind of social gathering at least twice a week, plus Sunday Church service. </p>

<p>She is also always wanting or needing special food - so after someone spent a morning driving her around, sometime around 4 pm she will call and say - pick this up or do this, and she wants it done right away. Inevitably someone temper and patience will wear thin and then mom would get upset… </p>

<p>then it becomes, poor old me, I raised 4 kids and I have to take the bus to the doc - no one will go with me. She hates paying for services and wants to be driven by family. We had secured domestic helpers, healthcare aides which she always manages to find fault and complain about. She cut those services. </p>

<p>This was what happened with the nephrologist visit last week - she went by herself - it was only going to be a routine return visit to monitor her condition. </p>

<p>She could have asked the health care aide to drive her, but she didn’t want to pay so she took a special transport (for seniors- and special rates) there and when she got out, she said the service was late or didn’t show up so she called my sis at work expecting her to fix it. My sis works at the front end (intake) of a psychiatric unit and didn’t have the time to deal with it. She told mom how to handle it or call a cab, but mom chose to call my brother (between jobs right now) instead and he went to pick her up.</p>

<p>This brother goes to their house almost everyday, get meals for them (they won’t have it delivered) - wash the dishes, mow the lawn, take out the trash etc. Mom complains about him and I have to pointed that out to mom.</p>

<p>Mom is reluctant to pay for any type of service and expects us to fill in these gaps. Sometimes they down right refuses. I had been paying for some of them. The result is that they need 3 meals provided for, mom have special needs for foods and she wants/needs help to various medical appointments. I spend 2 x a year with them, a month at a time, from the time I wake up to after supper around 7-8 pm, all my time and energy is spent taking care of their needs. </p>

<p>My brothers and sis cannot provide that level of support at other times because they all work. My brother who is between jobs right now is looking for one.</p>

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<p>Oy! Oy!!! This is rough. It almost sounds like you’d need all 4 sibs to come to a consensus together that – as a group – you conclude she needs to accept some for-pay services, because, as a group, you just can’t do all of this. Any one sib doesn’t have enough excuses to cover the territory. And the brother who needs to look for work needs to be given the same allowance as the employed sibs. We can all understand that “finding a job is a fulltime job” – what we say to new college grads. So the employed sibs need to stand up for the unemployed one, that he not be pressed into becoming their caregiver to the detriment of finding work.</p>

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<p>Just because someone is old, loved (and should be respected) and dying does not mean they are reasonable. Their requests, if unreasonable, should not be honored - no guilt.</p>

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<p>Okay - this might sound way out of the box but it worked for me.</p>

<p>I had a not so good experience with surgery a few years ago that left me with major panic attacks about dying. What got me over it was reading several books by people who had near-death experiences. There is even a website forum. Realizing that most people seem to experience something that is very positive (whether it’s real or not) helped me tremendously. </p>

<p>How you get her to read these types of books is a whole another issue. Perhaps if she is still seeing an acupuncturist or massage therapist, you could ask them to recommend a book to her. I haven’t looked but there might be something on DVD. </p>

<p>Hospice is the way to go. They are really trained well to deal with this sort of situation. Hugs to you. Never an easy situation. I’ve seen several of my friend’s parents make everyone around them miserable with this sort of behavior. It has made me determined to never do this to my son!</p>

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<p>MomLive, I think this is the first time I’m ever seen anybody on CC mention the near-death forum. It might not be for everybody, but it is an interesting forum for sure.</p>

<p>[Yahoo</a> Groups](<a href=“Yahoo | Mail, Weather, Search, Politics, News, Finance, Sports & Videos”>Yahoo | Mail, Weather, Search, Politics, News, Finance, Sports & Videos)</p>

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<p>This is the site page for that ^ forum:</p>

<p>[Near-Death</a> Experiences and the Afterlife | NDEs | Out of Body | Scientific Evidence | Reincarnation](<a href=“http://near-death.com/]Near-Death”>http://near-death.com/)</p>

<p>Also there have been several NDE books that have hit the bestseller lists over the last few years: Proof of Heaven,To Heaven and Back.</p>

<p>Obviously we all are going to die and no one has died for any serious length of time and come back to tell about it but I do find reading about NDEs fascinating. The fear of dying is rooted in the fear of the unknown. IMO, NDEs give a tiny little glimmer into that unknown. From what I have read, almost everyone who has had a near death experience has lost their fear of death.</p>

<p>Your mother might find some comfort in that.</p>

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<p>I don’t know if that’s true for everyone. For me, the fear of dying is rooted in the loss of life. I don’t know how you reconcile someone to that. Not trying to be negative here, but I think we can’t ignore that for many people, what’s sad and causes dread is the knowledge of losing life itself, not fearing the experience of death.</p>

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<p>I totally agree with that. I guess the way to reconcile to it is to live the best life you can while you can. I’ve heard several older family members say when they realized that they were going to die soon, that they had lived a full life and were okay with letting go.</p>