Having a child at a far-away college

Parents Forum
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<p>My son is a freshman in Austin, 2,200 miles away. <em>I</em> was the one who encouraged him to go to school far away (not necessarily Texas, but somewhere out of the northeast). He was also accepted to eight other schools, all over the country. </p>

<p>Well, we are SO fortunate that he is in my hometown, near my parents as well as my sister and her family. He has already had a couple of issues that would have been VERY difficult to deal with cross-country. He’s had significant leg and back pain, almost certainly due to the 50+ miles per week he ran in high school. He’s currently on crutches. My sweet parents are taking him to appointments with the orthopedist, physical therapist, and chiropractor. They’re also letting him stay at their house, since it’s so hard for him to get through the cafeteria line with a tray! He also had a weird problem with his laptop that he couldn’t get resolved on campus, so my brother-in-law took it and got it fixed for him.</p>

<p>This has all been a total surprise, because he’s always been very self-reliant. If it weren’t for my parents, I’m pretty sure I would have to fly down to help out, and he might have even had to drop out for the semester. I guess I will have second thoughts about his younger brother and sister going to school so far away!</p>

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<p>OP, I can so relate to your concerns. I encouraged ds to look at faraway schools for the admissions and possible scholarship boost, and then when he chose a place 1,000 miles away, I thought, “WTH was I thinking?” He’s also not terribly communicative. He could have played the strong, silent types in '50s Westerns. “Yep” and “nope” was sometimes all we got.</p>

<p>But, thus far, it’s been great. No, he couldn’t come home for a three-day weekend, and we couldn’t afford to fly up for parents weekend, but that makes this upcoming T’giving break so exciting. I know several kids who went to school close to home and are in and out of their parents’ house constantly (and the parents aren’t so thrilled about it); it’s like they never left. And it’s like they’re never fully in one place either when they have easy access to the other home.</p>

<p>We told ds we wanted to hear from him on phone or Skype at least once a week. We’re in contact much more than that. Early on, he’d call to ask lots of questions (understanding the school washing machines, for instance) and bounce things off of us. Sometimes, I find an important :wink: reason to call, or we just call to tell him some hilarious story we thought he’d appreciate. We text occasionally, and he shocked me once by texting me a pic (he was never a picture taker). I really think the distance has added to his feeling of indepence and, therefore, willingness to let us in on his life. We e-mail pretty regularly. It all just feels very natural. Does he tell me as much as I’d like? Absolutely not. But he never did; why would he change now???</p>

<p>There have been a couple of times when I wish I could be closer – when he got cut from his sports team, for instance. What I wouldn’t have given to be there for him, to give him a hug. But other times it’s been great to be so far away because he’s been forced to figure stuff out, like when the trainer said he had to go see an off-campus doctor. Ds had to schedule the appt, find transportation there and pay for it. If I’d been close, I KNOW I would have ridden to the rescue and taken on those tasks. I’m glad that he gained the confidence of knowing he could handle that stuff by himself.</p>

<p>One thing I made sure he did before he picked a faraway college was to make him do some traveling by himself so he could learn how the system works and to problem-solve. If your ds is thinking of a school that requires making a connection, etc., you better make sure he’s comfortable with all that travel entails. Also, some schools are on the trimester system, which means fewer but longer breaks. When ds comes home in two weeks, he’ll be here for SIX weeks. I am so looking forward to that.</p>

<p>Lastly, I think his college is the perfect place for him, and that goes a long way in easing my mind.</p>

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<p>Both my s’s were at schools a plane ride away. One is more communicative than the other. It gets easier. They will survive and so will you. I promise :)</p>

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<p>For selfish reasons, I wasn’t too encouraging about applying to Harvey Mudd with my son. (Yup, terrible mother I know). I was concerned that one taste of California living from Mass and that would be the last time we saw him! He still has Rice, Grinnell and Lawrence U. on his list but I figure the only real risk of losing him after his graduation is at Rice where he could land a job in, gulp, Houston. I think we are safer in the cornfield of Iowa or Applebee, Wisconsin that he will head home after graduation but then again you never know!</p>

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<p>As I said my older 2, went 5 hours away and then DD moved to CA for a job. The So Cal Coast, how could you ever want to leave there to come back to the NorthEast, and she’s been there 5 years. My major concern, although not too much lately since she broke up with longtime bf was having a grandchild so far away. I would have taken steps to remedy that. Now she’s thinking of relocating to Canada of all places, that completely amazes me and I can’t believe she will do it. She’s heading off to China in 2 weeks, so they are all over.
Younger S took his first connecting flight plus shuttle to campus a few weeks ago for a visit. He did fine, he’s got a lot of common sense (unlike his older S). I was a little concerned, but if he’s going to go to school there, we will all have to get used to it.
Of course, I am ready to head to the opposite coast or another country if I can’t find a job soon.</p>

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<p>I really thought D would go to a college in a different part of the country, as she loves to travel and is adventurous; she ended up 20 miles away (a 45-minute freeway drive) and couldn’t be happier. She hasn’t been home once this quarter. She’s in the marching band and every couple weeks we see her through binoculars at the football games, and maybe once or twice a quarter we go out to her campus for an event. Since her U is in a different part of our huge city, to her it is like a new city, and she’s meeting people from all over the state, the country, and the world. She has a job, gets around on public transportation, and does everything on her own as if she were 3000 miles away.
If she needs help, we could be there in 45 minutes, but that hasn’t happened. She is the most independent of all her high school friends. Also, she is never homesick, even though she comes home less than her friends at schools across the country.
What we don’t have is the huge expense of flying her back and forth for holidays and breaks. That probably saves us several thousand dollars a year.
What never gets addressed in this debate is the huge carbon footprint that some people leave by the constant flying and/or driving back and forth.</p>

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<p>D is a college freshman on the opposite coast. She is so very happy, and is convinced she made the best possible choice. Before the decision was made, I told myself it wouldn’t make much difference where she went to school, since as an athlete she wouldn’t be free to come home weekends anyway. While this is the truth, and I know she wouldn’t be visiting any more frequently if she were closer, there is still a psychological difference that I didn’t appreciate. S was on the same coast for college but not close to home. He was 6 hours away by car, and thus not in the habit of coming home on the weekends either. Yet that definitely felt different than it does now that D is a plane ride of the same duration away from home. All the same, my comfort level did not seem to me a good reason to discourage her from attending such a perfect school for her.</p>

<p>I definitely worry a little about her settling there permanently, and she does now have a boyfriend whose hometown is close to campus. Getting her stuff there was easier than expected once we decided on the best stategy. It was stressful worrying about that beforehand, though. I’ll report back on how summer storage goes!</p>

<p>D does not communicate nearly as much as I would like, but I choose to look at that as an important aspect of her growing up and separating. The communication gap has helped me move into a different stage also. The baby of the family needs me more than the older two ever did, so now I can dedicate myself to helping her more. She’s thriving as a result.</p>

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<p>Those of us with kids in college in the US, laugh a little bit at this question. We live in Asia, so having the kids only 6-8 hours away would be a huge treat.<br>
If all goes well, it takes them a day to get home.</p>

<p>The biggest problem is the time differences. We are going to bed when they are starting the day. I hang around the house in the morning, as that is their evening and when they are most likely to call.</p>

<p>The thing that helps us the most is that we have family and friends in their areas, so if they have a problem, someone can help them fairly quickly.</p>

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<p>I think it really depends on your relation with your child. We are in California and DD is Sophomore in Cambridge, MA. I try to remain in contact with her by texting over the lunch during week days and in the morning over the weekend. She generally calls over her dinner or before bedtime.
I don’t think it matters how far the child is from home because with the advent of technology, it’s a matter of seconds to get in touch with. She has an IPhone so have access to voice, data, and text anywhere she might be, so keeping in touch is not an issue. I’ve been in touch with her on daily basis even during my month long oversees business trips.
DD and I prefer text during the day because it give us opportunity to reply asynchronously on our connivence.</p>

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<p>Shelldemeo-</p>

<p>I must admit I had a similar worry about my DS wanting to stay in Calif if he’d gone to Harvey Mudd. I recall my DS saying “why didn’t we look at Stanford?” I said “Whats this “we”?? It was your college hunt”, but I do recall having that same thought that if he went to the West coast, he might likely stay there, and didn’t encourage looking at a lot of schools there. That said, both my ds’s looked at the Claremont colleges, though t neither ended up applying. </p>

<p>Older s fell in love with, and ended up at Rice, and though he spent 2 summers there for internships after soph and junior years, he didn’t choose a job there. So no worries!</p>

<p>I can’t imagine talking to either of my s’s every day. I did see one of them on AIM so could chat with him periodically, but we tend to text as needed or call periodically. Ironically, older s, after living in another state for 2 years after college, move back to this area for another job. It wasn’t that he wanted to be in this area, but this happened to be where the job was. I figure he’ll eventually end up in the NE. We don’t see him all that often, even though he is in the area, but its great knowing he’s about 1/2 hr away.</p>

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<p>My first went to a college probably 4000 miles away. We talked about once a week then we moved back to the US and he was closer, 1500. This is when he developed problems. Now he lives with us until summer and tries to finish his degree. My next wanted to be somewhat closer to us (not across the country) but we will be moving likely to an area with limited college choices close to us, none of which she likes. So the closest choice, if she gets accepted. will be about 300 miles away and most are over a 1000. AS it is, she weeded out most of the schools that were significantly harder to get to and I think she may totally give up to one which is also harder (but not as hard as rural NE where it snows). Certainly the ones she is showing the most interest are either in cities or in towns near enough to a city (reliable shuttle transportation).</p>