<p>aibarr,</p>
<p>No advice to offer, but having read your posts over the years, I know you will make the right choice. You are a very compassionate woman.</p>
<p>Hugs to you, and prayers as well.</p>
<p>Addiction has got to be the one of the cruelest diseases in the history of man. I’m sorry your mom is where she is right now, but more sorry for the pain this is causing you.</p>
<p>I know you have good advice and good counsel, and, in the end, you will do the right thing for yourself and for your relationship with your husband. If you were my daughter, and something like this had befallen me, I would want you to go to your in-laws house and have holidays. I wouldn’t want you to, once again, reorganize your life in such a major way, to respond to yet another emergency I had created in your life.</p>
<p>The healthy mother you do not happen to have gotten this life would want you to be as happy in this moment as possible. JMO. Obviously nobody can tell you what to do since you have to live with it, but that’s just another opinion. Again, good luck, and please be as gentle with yourself as you can. Try to remember you really can’t do anything to change any of this, no matter what others might want to say.</p>
<p>I’m sorry for what you are going through, aibarr.</p>
<p>Aibarr, the addiction and the extreme manipulation are both painfully familiar to me. Take to heart teriwtt’s very sound advice and poetgrl’s reminder to be gentle with yourself. Sending strength your way.</p>
<p>Aibarr, big hugs to you. I just want to say- don’t let others make you feel guilty.</p>
<p>Beautiful post teriwitt…I think you have probably helped many of us with your wisdom and compassion…OP, only you know what you are feeling, experiencing. If your brother is there, maybe he can give you some insight from what he is experiencing.</p>
<p>So, so sorry that you’re going through this. Hugs…</p>
<p>aibarr, good thoughts to you. </p>
<p>Dh’s father committed suicide 13 years ago, and dh has felt some guilt because he didn’t feel close enough to “see the signs.” His father was such a difficult personality that I had encouraged dh to set some appropriate boundaries with him. I think it’s absolutely healthy to do so, and I know in the long run dh knew it was the right thing to put some emotional distance there. Only you know what feels right to you. </p>
<p>Dh’s sister just died two months ago, and I was reluctant to go see her in the hospital. Another difficult personality who was in ICU because she didn’t take care of herself (skipped dialysis, for instance). I was angry about it. Initially, I let dh do all the driving and hand-wringing because he, obviously, was closer to her. But he grew tired of making that hours-long drive and spending every weekend up there, so I know he wanted me to take a shift so our branch of the family was “doing our share.” :rolleyes: We argued about it, but I put my foot down that his family couldn’t guilt me into dropping everything and heading up there, too, and that I would take a shift when I felt ready. Well, things really took an unexpected turn for the worse the next week, and I really felt like dh couldn’t make another trip (he was developing stress-related issues from the weeks-long ordeal) so I went up for five days, mainly to save my dh the stress and to provide some relief for his mom and the other sister to whom most of the load had fallen. During those five days, she got even worse, and life support was ended the day after I left when all the siblings had gotten there from out of town, dh included. I was really glad I had been there. I think I helped by being a more detached presence, not overly emotional, when talking to doctors. And, it was so nice to see the outpouring of love from her co-workers that it kind of softened my heart toward her. I started to feel like, why can I be so generous and nonjudgmental toward others but not toward her? </p>
<p>Anyway, that probably sounds like I think you should go be with your mom, but that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that you’ll go up there when you are ready. If I had let dh guilt me into going that week earlier, I wouldn’t have gone with an open heart and been able to feel the compassion I ended up feeling for my SIL. So, again, only you know what feels right for you.</p>
<p>Hugs. This is tough. You and your brother are 25 and 28. This is difficult with everything else you are juggling. Addiction and manipulation are the worst. Lots of advice given. Take what you fell meets your needs. Be at peace with your decisions.</p>
<p>
Sometimes it is harder when you are the ones closer to a difficult person. I know my Dad put us all through hell so we saw a very different side of him than his coworkers. People who come from families without these sort of problems just really have no idea. I try and always keep that in mind so I don’t act judgemental of other people’s family relationships. You just don’t know what has led to a relationship being the way it is.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry, Aibarr. My thoughts are with you, and my only advice is that whatever you decide, please be good and gentle to yourself, and take care of yourself.</p>
<p>Aibarr-- You and your brother are exactly my daughter and son’s ages; I can’t imagine having put them through what you have overcome so admirably to be one of the kindest, wisest voices on this board. Just know we’re all thinking about you, and wishing you peace in the coming days.</p>
<p>aibarr,</p>
<p>I am so sorry you are going through this right now. As you said, it’s tough at any time, but to add the holidays to the situation makes it even more difficult. </p>
<p>You are a remarkable young woman (from all of your posts and pms sent to me), and my only advice to you is to do what YOU think is best. I am sending hugs your way. Please keep us posted.</p>
<p>So sorry you are facing such tough life decisions. Stay strong and find comfort with your family. Take care of yourself and give yourself permission to deal with this situation in a manner that feels right to you. Take care.</p>
<p>My warmest thoughts are heading your way as well. There are some things you can control and others you can’t. Try to deal with the things you can control and realize that the other things are not in your control. You are kind, compassionate and this is not an easy situation.</p>
<p>So sorry to read what you are going through, aibarr. I agree with those who have said you have a good head on our shoulders and you will make the best decision for you and your family based on the information you have available to you at the time you make it. What I mean by that is, base your decision on what you know and how your feel now. Not lots of “what ifs”. I agree that if this is another manipulative gesture to get you to drop your plans to be with your mom, you do not have to feed into that. You can honor the commitment you made to your husband and his family. These are family members you will be living with for years to come. Teriwtt is right-- you will likely have a few days warning if your mom is not going to make it, and you can decide what to do then. If she is going to make it, it sounds like you have planned a course that makes good sense. Best of luck to you.</p>
<p>How awful for you, aibarr. I hope things settle down soon.</p>
<p>When swimcatsmom says “People who come from families without these sort of problems just really have no idea” I agree. Your aunt with the guilt trip probably has no clue. I wouldn’t worry about her or anyone else except your brother. I would want to know his thoughts. Some would think, ‘well I’m here so you don’t have to be right now’, others would be mad that you weren’t doing your share. I’d want that sibling relationship to withstand this crisis.</p>
<p>When my mom (a very difficult person) was dying this summer, we three sibs were all together to tell her it was OK to move on, and that in the long view, we’d be right behind her. I hope this ‘permission giving’ helped her die in peace vrs. hanging on forever. I guess that is the one thing I’d want to be there in person to do.</p>
<p>I’ll be thinking of you often, hoping for the best.</p>
<p>aibarr…I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with payingthreetuitions…call the nurses desk and ask for a call from the doctor as early as possible in the morning. You will want to hear exactly what the doctor has to say regarding your mom’s condition. If her liver functioning is not improving you may want to consider going to her so you can be with her just in case there is no recovery. It is so very sad and I am so sorry that you are a young married woman going through such a difficult time. Your mom is still fairly young and it is a sad that she has never really recovered from her drug addiction. I am wishing you much peace this Christmas.</p>
<p>aibarr, you have a lot of good advice and none of us can tell you exactly what to do. But also think of those you will be visiting for Christmas. Can you set aside the feelings around your mother’s situation and let them also have a good Christmas? If when visiting others for Christmas you are still consumed by sadness and worry, you will be impacting everyone there. If you can see yourself setting your mother’s situation aside and enjoying Christmas go. If not, then that is telling you something, too.</p>
<p>aibarr is on her way to Dallas. Her mother is off the vent and showing some signs of consciousness. They are trying to determine the underlying cause. I told her I would update all of you since you have been so supportive!</p>