<p>Thanks for the update. I am not sure if you are telling us that she is en route to see her mom or to be with her DH’s family, but which ever she chose, I wish her the best.</p>
<p>Thanks for the update. Been thinking of her a lot.</p>
<p>My mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness when I was five months pregnant and working full-time. I did not see her before her death. Based on our relationship (she was very controlling and manipulative), that was not a bad thing. I have no regrets. I did what was best for me at that time, and in retrospect I’m very happy I did what I did.</p>
<p>Everyone needs to assess what is the right thing for them, based on their unique relationship.</p>
<p>And more {{{{{hugs}}}}} to aibarr.</p>
<p>Coming across this thread for the first time. So sorry, aibarr … I hope that you are feeling comfortable with your decisions. No one can tell you what is best for you, but we are here to give you the moral support only a group of cyber-strangers can provide. 
Frankly, I find that to be a great support system. </p>
<p>MOWC, sorry to hear of your recent loss.</p>
<p>If anything, I have found the CC community to be so very helpful when weathering the realities of life. It’s comforting to know that others have experienced whatever it is I am going through … and they made it through okay. It’s a comforting thing.</p>
<p>Thanks, all, and thanks MOWC for posting my earlier update… I greatly appreciate it.</p>
<p>I heard yesterday afternoon from the doctors that despite the previous assertion that her “acetaminophen levels were sky-high,” her liver had rebounded such that they decided it probably <em>wasn’t</em> acetaminophen poisoning. I started asking questions, and they said that they’d checked her levels when she came in, and she’d had a low level of acetaminophen in her system. Acetaminophen has a half-life of about three hours, so if they find someone passed out on the floor in the morning, any acetaminophen should’ve cleared their system by then. They figured that she must’ve had an <em>astronomical</em> acetaminophen level the night before (unless, of course, your blood pressure has been 60/0 since you took a couple of tylenol the previous night, and your system hasn’t been processing anything).</p>
<p>Well, you know what they say about assuming things.</p>
<p>I knew that given the information I had, I’d made the right call, but now that the information had changed, I had to reassess things. It started to sound much more like this wasn’t anything she’d acutely brought upon herself. I’d made the decision to call my brother the next day and talk to him about what the status was, and about whether or not I should come up to Dallas (geography recap: Mom’s in Dallas, we’re in Houston, husband’s family is in Milwaukee).</p>
<p>Haven’t been sleeping well, naturally. Woke up at 7 this morning, sorted through some photos, checked my e-mail and phone. No messages. Went back to sleep at about nine. Husband woke me up at 1:30PM. There was an e-mail from my mom’s guardian saying that she was off the ventilator and conscious. It took me about fifteen minutes to throw a whole bunch of stuff in some suitcases and get on the road. (Husband and I talked, and I told him he should go and spend Christmas with his family up in Milwaukee, and that I’d go to Dallas. He asked “are you sure” about fifteen times… I was then, not as certain now.)</p>
<p>Drove to Dallas and picked up my brother from my dad’s house, then went straight to hospital. She’s still in the ICU. When we got there, she was conscious and alert but obviously miserable. She was able to talk a little, but the only way she could get above a whisper is to wheeze, so we tried to get her not to try to talk. It’s also very difficult to understand what she’s saying over the machines, since she’s basically only able to croak out a few very soft syllables at a time, and she gets very frustrated very quickly, and is frequently interrupted by some pretty bad coughing.</p>
<p>She recognized us and pointed at us and tried to say “those are my kids” a couple of times to her independent caretaker, who was sitting there with her. She first asked us several times to take her home, and we told her we couldn’t do that. She looked heartbroken, and said, “they won’t take me home” to the caretaker. After a little bit, Mom tried to ask us how we knew where to find her. She asked what day it was, then what day of the week. We sat with her and watched TV for a while, some celebrity gossip thing, and some retrospective highlight of the past decade’s celebrities. It took her about two minutes to croak enough that we could understand her, but finally we figured out what she was saying-- how long ago was it that Michael Jackson died? (Clearly a critical question. Yep, she’s still in there.)</p>
<p>She also asked how moving the reed organ went (took another few minutes to figure that out), so I gave her the rundown on the piano move. She seemed happy about that.</p>
<p>At this point, she said she needed to use the bathroom and the nurses noticed we were there and started to kick us out because visiting hours had ended a while before. Her fever had risen a degree and all her metabolic levels were rising at that point so we knew we needed to leave and let her get some rest. She tried to protest to the nurses that we were her kids and they should stay, but we knew we should go. We’ll be back again tomorrow.</p>
<p>She looked so very sad and upset, and so very sick. It was really hard to see her like that. I normally have a pretty strong constitution, but when we first got there and saw here I had to sit down before I passed out.</p>
<p>Either way things go, I hope she doesn’t have to feel like this for long.</p>
<p>Merry Christmas, all. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>Wow aibarr. You are strong. I’m glad you’re with your brother. I think it was mighty quick-thinking and unselfish to send your husband off to his family alone rather than require him to accompany you, given the Christmas timing for him and his family. Peace to you and your entire family tonight.</p>
<p>Let me add my support to your decisions. Don’t let the relatives get you down. You’ve done the right things. Sounds like you gave up your holiday with the inlaws (and snow), but you won’t have regrets in the future. Hang in there, and post here for more support as needed- you have a lot/ton of CC’ers who agree with your handling of a tough situation. Good luck.</p>
<p>aibarr…As a Mom, I SOOO want to take you in my arms right now and tell you everything will be alright…but my best is to say that many hugs/thoughts/prayers are with you tonight…</p>
<p>Inspiring Aibarr- you are a wonderful daughter.
Hugs to you, didn’t realize you were so young, seemed older when I read all your supportive posts to LTS.</p>
<p>MOWC-sorry to read of your recent loss.
Collective CC advice so impressive, especially Teriwtt…</p>
<p>Aibarr-I wish you peace.</p>
<p>MOWC-You, too.</p>
<p>Everyone else-I’m glad to be part of this inspiring, generous community.</p>
<p>Merry Christmas if it applies to you.</p>
<p>aibarr,
best wishes to you and your family on this Christmas Day.</p>
<p>aibarr,
I always think of Christmas as being about peace…the kind we find within our deepest selves. You will have peace this Christmas because based on your previous posts on many other threads, you could not have missed this time to be with your mother. I am sending you hugs this Christmas filled with momma strength and love…you are a fine young woman.</p>
<p>Thanks for updating us, aibarr. I hope your husband gets to Milwaukee - snow today. Merry Christmas to you & your family.</p>
<p>Aibarr – sending good thoughts for you and your family. I hope you have a good chance to talk with your husband today since you can’t be together. </p>
<p>ICU is very disorienting for patients. Lights, noise, interruptions, rarely any windows, and you’re typically sick as a dog when you’re in there. </p>
<p>I’ve had to do the family in ICU over the holidays thing – just in case they haven’t mentioned it, most hospitals allow you to order guest meals for around $5 that can be delivered to the room or to the waiting room area. This was truly a godsend given that the hospital cafeteria operated on much reduced hours during the holidays, and a lot of the outside restaurants were also closed for the week between Christmas and New Years. </p>
<p>Would your mom find a visit by the chaplain comforting? My folks both did, even though the chaplain was from a different denomination.</p>
<p>Peace be with you, Aibarr.</p>
<p>Merry Christmas, Aibarr! I hope that your mother continues to improve.</p>
<p>Thanks, all. She’s continued to improve by leaps and bounds. She’s now in a regular room, out of the ICU, and I fed her some applesauce yesterday. She’s able to talk in full sentences now, throat’s still sore from the trach tube. She’s slurring more than usual. That might either just be because she’s still tired and a little off-kilter yet, or it could be because they found a couple of small strokes on the brain scan. </p>
<p>Bad daughter confession… I’ve seen her like this so many times, and I know that her recovery is such a miracle, but I’m overwhelmed by the sense that “Oh God… now there’s GOING to be a ‘next time’…”</p>
<p>Seeing her Christmas Eve when she was still out of it and miserable and in pain and weakly clutching our arms and begging us to take her home… That really shook me to the core. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. It was like out of some horror movie, where someone’s been infected by something and they’re a shell of a human being, and that shred of remaining humanity reaches out and begs for mercy.</p>
<p>It’s starting to seem so cruel, to watch this happen to her over and over again at ever-increasing intensities. I pray for peace for her every time I pray, but the answer keeps coming back “no”. I’m glad she’s alive, but it feels increasingly selfish to feel that way. Still, it seems fundamentally evil to me to think that I have very mixed feelings about her recovery.</p>
<p>Have so many things I’ve been asked to do today… Friends want me to meet up with them later this evening, family wants me to come back over for leftovers, dad and stepmom want me to have dinner with them, need to go visit Mom, need to go to Mass, need to drive back home to Houston… It’s noon and I’m still sitting in bed avoiding the world. Can’t even figure out what would be the best thing for <em>me</em> at this point anymore. Exhausted and shaky.</p>
<p>Being realistic does NOT make you a bad daughter. Nor does ambivalence. This episode does seem to have been a watershed for you in this relationship, though. </p>
<p>I think once the dust has settled a little, this is going to be your opportunity to think about how to respond to her next time – and you know there will be a next time. You know *for sure *that getting sucked into her drama does not help her, and it certainly doesn’t help you. Personally, I’m a big believer in counselling for this kind of thing. It might be helpful to see a therapist, so that you can think about how to respond to the next incident in a more constructive way. You do not have to let her drag you down with her. That’s not good for anyone.</p>
<p>BTW, I’d take your hubby to the counsellor; he knows you better than anyone and definitely sees the situation more clearly than you do. He can also be a much-needed source of support for you.</p>
<p>Bless you!</p>
<p>PS – For today, if seeing people would be a welcome distraction, force yourself to go out. But if it would only drain you further, give yourself permission to take the day off! Tell people that you’re not feeling well (true) and shed as many of those responsibilities as you possibly can.</p>
<p>aibarr
Take today to do what you need to do—and you get to define what that is. Don’t worry about the next event today. It’s unlikely it will happen today, so let it go for now.<br>
Once things are calmer and you are back at your home, talk to your DH, talk to pastor or a counselor and make decisions then about the next event. Or, make a decision tree (ie if mom did something to cause the crisis, I will do x. If the crisis just occurs, I will do y). Take care of yourself first.
I’ll be sending good thoughts your way.</p>
<p>Lasma and mom2m - </p>
<p>I realize this thread has gotten long and you may not have read all the posts, but the OP did share that both she and H have had counseling.</p>