<p>My bad, teriwtt. You’re right.</p>
<p>Aibarr – Tomorrow you might want to talk with the social worker/discharge planner – maybe this is an opportunity for your mom to live in a different setting that might have more structural support for her particular problems?</p>
<p>People get released from the hospital when they’re still pretty sick, and many times the hospital assumes that the person is going to be staying with relatives who can provide a pretty high level of care for an extended period.</p>
<p>Arabrab brings up a good point. The hospital has to have a reasonable discharge plan before they can discharge her. If in fact her hospitalization was due to an overdose (accidental or purposeful) related to her history of substance abuse, as you said in your OP, this may be an opportunity to get her into treatment again, rather than just discharged back to her living facility. Can you also ask for a psych consult once she is stable?</p>
<p>aibarr: my MIL was a chronic alcoholic; she died about 15 years ago now, in a single-vehicle car accident. At the time, I admit, my first thought was “oh, thank the stars, she didn’t take anyone with her.” She’d been in and out of rehab–stays in residential facilities at enormous expense–12 times. It was rough on her whole family. Addiction is a terrible disease. You have my deepest sympathy.</p>
<p>And the hope that THIS TIME your mother will stay sober.</p>
<p>My apologies aibarr, thanks for correcting things teriwitt.</p>
<p>Well, we went to see her this afternoon and I’m even more frustrated than before. She’s not taking what happened to her seriously at all, taking an “eh, I’m doing fine now!” attitude towards the whole experience. She had two small strokes over the course of the past week. She’s still slurring, she doesn’t have any fine motor control. What’s the first thing she plans on doing when she gets back home? She wants to buy a new Dremel tool. I threw a bit of a fit, telling her that she absolutely HAS to develop realistic expectations of herself and asked her, “Do you even WANT to make it to your next birthday?” Lady, you’re two days off a ventilator and a deathbed comeback, you put your family through hell and we’re all still shaking. The installation of baseboards will HAVE TO WAIT. And she just doesn’t get it, and doesn’t care. She won’t stay sober because she will flatly deny, until the day she dies, that she has a problem.</p>
<p>I managed to end things on a pleasant note, but after we left her room, we went straight to the nurse’s station, got a list of her doctors, and talked at length with her nurse about our concerns. Her nurse was unaware of any psychiatric history, any substance abuse, anything having to do with possible reasons she was in there in the first place. When my brother comes in tomorrow to visit her, he’s going to talk with the social worker and we’re going to call her doctors to make sure we’re all on the same page.</p>
<p>While she’s in assisted living, she also has a caretaker come in to sit with her during the day. Her guardian checks up on her. The caretaker administers her medications. She has a million people taking care of her-- a million people that I’ve worked really hard to put in place so that she has a support network and doesn’t wear down her family with her needs-- but it doesn’t stop her from constantly doing herself harm. She charms her doctors into prescribing her whatever she thinks she needs, she charms her caretakers into letting her manically remodel her apartment, she charms her guardian into not upsetting her. I was told not to mention the possibility of acetaminophen poisoning because it would “upset her.” Everybody tries to slow her down a little… a woman in a wheelchair shouldn’t be painting her ceiling, or taking doors off their hinges, without help. She does it anyway. She feels no pain, and she doesn’t care.</p>
<p>I just want to scream. Should you try like hell to keep her safe? Because that doesn’t work. Should you give up? Giving up completely means she’ll inevitably destroy herself, but if you keep getting sucked back into it, it’ll destroy you, too. It feels like being trapped in a sinking car. Have to keep willing yourself to quash that instinct to freak and try to kick out the window.</p>
<p>I’m going back to Houston tonight after dinner. I’m going to call my therapist tomorrow and schedule an appointment. When my husband comes back, we’ll talk about what plan we need to put together for the next time. We’ll probably meet with my therapist and my brother, too.</p>
<p>Oh aibarr, I am so sorry you are going through all this. I have a few questions, but its ok if you’d rather not answer. If she has a guardian, is this person a legal guardian over person and property (those are the terms in our state). If she had been declared incompetent to handle her affairs, and hence has a guardian, then she shouldn’t be able to order any kind of tool without the guardian authorizing/approiving it. Hopefully the guardain can work on getting a stronger backbone, as that his his/her legal responsibility. The word NO is pretty easy to say 
And if she has poor fine motor control, tools are dangerous.</p>
<p>Hard to tell if her plans and denial are part of her personality disorder, possible bipolar component, part of the denial inherent in her SA history, impaired judgement from the recent strokes or all of the above. Has she ever had a neuropsych evaluation? That can help parse out what is what. </p>
<p>You are right to take care of yourself. You have done what you can, and boundaries are important. It is ok to care-- she is your mother, but not at your own expense. Hang in there-- we are all here for you.</p>
<p>Oh airbar, so, so sorry.</p>
<p>So: A few things you already know, but it always helps me to hear them again, from time to time: 1. You didn’t cause this, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. 2. You make a list of the things you CAN do, do those, then let go of the rest of it because there is nothing you can do change your mother or the people around your mother, either. 3. “And acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today.”</p>
<p>Good luck. I’m glad you will be going back to Houston. You are a good daughter to show up in your mother’s life in this way. Please do something nice for yourself at the soonest available moment: a massage, a new book, a bike ride, dancing, whatever it is that is your “nice” thing…the theater, a movie, dinner at a place you always mean to go to but never go to. etc…</p>
<p>Your mom’s not gonna change, and that is not your fault and I’m sorry for the days it becomes your problem.</p>
<p>aibarr – Be good to yourself. Get lots of rest once you are home. Let your husband coddle you…if he’s the coddling type. If not, coddle yourself. You’ve been through a lot and have a ways yet to go…so pump up your immune system, don’t diet right now (if you do), and take a little time for yourself every day. It’s not selfish; it’s keeping strong so you can respond well to crisis. </p>
<p>Hugs to you and your husband.</p>
<p>aibarr, I am sorry. You remain in my prayers. I will ask at the monastery for prayer for you and for your mom and your family.</p>
<p>aibarr, my thoughts and prayers are continuing. Take care of yourself. It sounds like you are doing a good job of getting all the players on the same page. I concur with jym626, the guardian needs to learn the word NO.</p>
<p>Take care of yourself.</p>
<p>Aibarr…You sound like such a strong and capable young woman and if you don’t mind me saying so…I hope you are taking good care of yourself. Speaking from experience it is the people who exude the strength and ability to handle so many things that often get the short end of the stick, so to speak. Be good to yourself and try to let your husband know that you need to be supported through this. Wishing you all the best for a loving and peaceful New Year. You may be strong but you need to remember that you can’t be good to yourself or anyone if you don’t take care of you first. I don’t know you but you have been such a sweetheart and I want you to know that you are not only in my thoughts but in my prayers. Hugs to you!!!</p>
<p>Not much to add. I hate that you are having to deal with this and that your mother continues to be in so much denial. That’s the way it works, unfortunately.</p>
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<p>Yep. He’s in charge of everything. At least, he was… At some point shortly after his appointment, the courts gave her a lot of her rights back, which included authority over her medical care. It was like a punch in the face. He’s still in charge of her finances, but she’s crafty. She’ll either convince the guy to let her have what she wants, or she’ll casually tell friends and family that the only thing she wants for birthday/Christmas/whatever are just some gift cards to Target or Sears or something so she can order things for herself online, and then… hotplates, glue guns, staple guns, Dremel tools.</p>
<p>She’s literally a professional at this. She was a practicing psychologist for decades, dealing with the most extreme cases in the city. Before that, she was a hostage negotiator for the federal government and spent half her time flying to Rome, Jerusalem, London, and DC. Even as brain damaged as she is now, Mom gets what she wants–her reality is warped from strokes, seizure, and psychosis, but the ability is still there, and it’s incredibly strong and innate. For a long time, I took for granted the fact that she’s so skilled at this. It’s easy to get sucked into her reality, and her guardian and doctors just chuckle about how capable she is with a nail gun. They just see her as being spunky. My brother and I, on the other hand, have a difficult time being realistic without being paranoid about her motivations.</p>
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<p>I’m sure she has. I know that the answer is probably “all of the above.” I’ve probably seen the results of the neuropsych evals. Unfortunately, any component that isn’t completely objectively-based is probably skewed, so all we know for sure is that there’s physical neurological damage. She used to interpret psychiatric evaluations (heck, she used to write the MANUALS on how to interpret them…), and whether she’s consciously doing it or not, she’s got so many layers of psychosis going on that she kind of picks and chooses her answers based upon what etiology is convenient for her at the time. It’s terrifying. She slips in front of my brother and my husband and me, because we can’t do anything about it, but in front of doctors, she’s incredibly consistent about showing them exactly what she wants them to see.</p>
<p>Anyhow. Husband’s still in Milwaukee (have I mentioned how thankful I am for him? I should again, either way. Every day last week, I’d walk in the door from work, he’d take my bags, hand me a cold ginger ale, and sit me outside in the garden if it was nice out while he made dinner. if it wasn’t nice out, he’d sit me on the couch and hand me a cat)… He said he had one request, and that was that I take the vacation day that I’d planned on taking today even though I’d be back in Houston and available to go to the office. So, today I’m trying to treat myself gently. Slept late. Turned off my e-mail. Went downstairs and played piano for an hour or so (superbly therapeutic-- rescued it from Dallas over Thanksgiving and had it tuned about a week ago, so it’s just absolute bliss). Went upstairs and watched a movie while working my way through a bottle of sparkling white grape juice. After that, I turned on the stereo and am listening to the Tallis Scholars sing madrigals. The cat that was a coloratura in a past life is curled up next to me, listening intently and conducting with her tail. After I’ve had my fill of medieval choral works, I’ll call my therapist and see what her availability is. Might go to Target later and see if I can get some good deals on leftover Christmas decorations; that sounds like fun.</p>
<p>Wow, aibarr. I’ve read much of this thread. The level of pathology you are dealing with is truly spectacular. Like others, I had no idea you were so young when you were posting so wisely on the LTS thread. I am glad that you are at least taking today for yourself. It is so sad that such a capable woman has descended this far. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to watch. I have no advice for you, only good thoughts.</p>