^That sounds like my father. He wanted 9 but backed down to 4.
Yeah, parenthood takes a certain leap of faith. For most of us it is probably best that we don’t know what we don’t know. Our only was such an easy child to raise, the law of averages suggests that if there had been a second he/she would have been the devil incarnate. Gaining the knowledge from the first pregnancy that I was pregnancy challenged and then knowing what we might be getting into a second time became the deciding factor though, and not the genetic probability that things might not turn out so optimally for second child once he/she was born.
We did not consider family histories of mental health problems (not too much except ADHD), alcoholism (plenty), etc when we conceived. Actually conception was a somewhat impulsive decision on our parts after 15 years of ambivalence about becoming parents. We are all more or less dysfunctional, but we all do our best. No one gets up in the morning and intentionally decides “I am going to be a crappy parent today.” And what the heck, ‘fun’ is dysfunctional’s middle name.
was in love w another woman for a while and if she wanted them I would have done it again without question. there is nothing more beautiful than a happy woman holding a child. that relationship never actually developed beyond mutual affection and Wifey and I patched things up several years ago and while our relationship isn’t perfect, it’s perfectly fine and neither of us want more children. basically why would we, we already had them? if we had to do it all over again, of course, why not? we both feel, despite the roller coaster of having kids, our friends who are without them, are truly without the biggest part of being human. our emotional loss after the kids moved out to school was a stark reminder
I think this is kind of rude, to be honest.
Many, MANY people have great and fulfilling lives without kids. I’m glad that people who don’t want children are not forced to have them like they were just a few generations ago.
Different people have different preferences. It doesn’t mean that they’re missing out on the human experience.
I agree Romani. Many of my closest friends did not have children for a variety of reasons. They have lead full lives in every respect except for those things they did not experience, such as having children. But I, who had three children, did not experience things they had in their lives.
The one thing I have noticed about many of my friends, same age, who did not have children is that they are now retired and I have several years left. Kids are expensive.
Family brings me a lot of joy. Not just my kids but aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews. When my mom was in the hospital the staff told us they evaluate the families and didn’t do this procedure on people without a support system.
The last two months for my mom were the best she had in ages…my house for thanksgiving with 30 of us, her kids, spouses, grandchildren and their future spouses, the cousins table, etc. Lunch out with most of her grandchildren, Christmas, etc. When she died all 4 of her children were there, our spouses, some grandchildren, her sister and her husband and her niece. Holding her hand, being there with her. It was family and full of love. That was really a testament to her life. I can’t imagine not having that support system in old age.
It’s a beautiful story, and it happens a lot. It’s also true that most of the people dying alone and forgotten in nursing homes have kids. There’s luck as well as choice/work involved in ending up with a close, loving family.
And my uncle, who never married or had kids, died at home, surrounded by family and friends and love.
I can’t imagine not having that support system in old age, either, but whether I have it or not isn’t going to be utterly dependent on whether I’ve had children or not.
rude? it’s an opinion. if I shared that opinion with my friends who don’t have kids then that would be rude, but I would never
I don’t regret having kids in the least. But I have noticed that my relatives and friends who chose not to seem perfectly happy as well.
I think someone who doesn’t want children who then doesn’t have children is doing the most generous thing ever. They should be commended, not scolded. It’s not like our planet actually needs all of us to procreate.
I only can think of one person I know who regretted not having kids. He was mentally and physically “off” for lack of a better descriptor (because he wasn’t quite disabled). He passed away almost two years ago to the day but he was one of those pillar of the community types and had a constant stream of people in and out of his hospice room.
He coached sports and ran leagues for several decades and I remember at his funeral it was said that while none of them shared his DNA, no one could deny that he had thousands of children. And it was true and the most fitting thing that could’ve been said.
On the other hand, my grandmother who had 4 sons will die old and alone because she is just a terrible person. Only one son talks to her and none of the grandkids want anything to do with her.
So I agree that having kids doesn’t necessarily mean much for end of life comfort.
Another single mother by choice. I wasn’t ready for motherhood until I was 45 by which time the biological method wouldn’t work. I became a mother by adoption to a 23-month-old at 49-2/3 and I feel like the luckiest person on the world that I got there just in time. She is my heart. But if you had asked me when I was 40, I would have said, no way!
@oldmom4896 it is wonderful that you got to choose to be a parent when you were ready. That was a very special opportunity for you and probably contributed to the positive outcome.
H and I both come from families with 7 kids. We also wanted a large family and ended up with 7 ourselves (lost 3). It’s almost impossible for me to imagine my life without my children. Not saying that those who don’t have children cannot have great lives/peak experiences, but for me that human (I guess I should say “animal”?) experience of pregnancy/childbirth/breastfeeding was the most magical, awesome thing possible. Somehow I felt connected to all mothers in all times and places. There are feelings you cannot know–higher highs, lower lows–unless you’ve been a parent. (I hope no one will take offense at that–parenthood is the biggest, messiest, tiredest club in the world. I mean this in the same way that, for example, if you’ve never served in the army you don’t have that bond with your fellow soldiers, and you can never know what that is like…) For me it has been an extremely physical job. Pregnant for 6 years/breastfeeding for 10+years, diapers and interrupted sleep (which doesn’t bother me) for 19-20 years without a break. All the illnesses and accidents, all the scrubbing of vomit out of the carpet, the rushing to the ER. All of the taxiing to thousands of appointments, lessons, games, meets, rehearsals, recitals, concerts, etc. Tons and tons of laundry and groceries. So many birthday parties and sleepovers. Bad middle school plays. Halloween costumes. Proms. College applications. So much teaching --of the same tasks over and over. Everything from how to “wipe” yourself and tie your shoes, through how to do Algebra and drive a car. It is an overwhelming responsibility, but I just live it one day at a time. Our kids are now 11-27. None married yet. This is my last year of elementary school–since 1992! Looking forward to grandparenting eventually, but still have 3 at home and a lot of parenting to do.
Fwiw, having many children was definitely a blessing to our parents (only one still living) in their old age. It would take pages to tell you how wonderful my siblings have been with my parents, and H’s sisters with his dad, as well.
“Honda Kota, the 51-year-old NBC host who just released her third book Where They Belong: The Best Decisions That People Almost Never Made, revealed that although she is highly fulfilled with her life, the thing missing is children.”
- She still can adopt. There is no reason to miss something in life that is very attractive to a person.
“But is there a part of you that would not do it again?” - not a littlest part of me. It is the most valuable experience in my life, nothing else will compare, not that I miss a lot of anything else. Thinking about it, I believe that I got more experiences in my life BECAUSE of my children, I would have not participate in something, travel somewhere…etc., if it was not for them. Thinking further, I believe that I would miss out a lot in my personal life if I did not have children. My gosh, I started rollerblading because I wanted to teach my D. and because I wanted to spend time with her rollerblading. It was one of activities that I enjoyed the most in my life…although I ended up rollerblading primarily on my own, it was such a fun. There are many things like that in my life.
Count me among those who have no regrets about my 3 kids. In my case, they are all boys and I am sorry I never got to have a daughter. I had a tough time getting to number 3, and he was a bit of a surprise as we had all but given up, so a fourth was not possible. But if I had been younger, and if I could have tilted the odds toward the pink side, I may well have done it. Financially, would not have been a smart move, however.
Severe mental health challenges are always a worry. I could see how if my kids were faced with that situation, it would be much more difficult to not have at least some regrets.
The couples I know that are childless by choice are happy. Some of them lead exciting lives, while others, to me at least, seem pretty mundane. Like any group, some will be more fulfilled than others.
The couples i know that wanted kids and tried all sorts of fertility treatments seem to regret being childless at least a little bit, although with happy, fulfilled lives. For whatever reason, adoption was not something they were willing to consider. If I had been infertile, I would have adopted. We considered it for our third child, but it was too expensive and the process was pretty daunting so we never pursued it.
@Hanna, thanks for sharing. It seems you are in a great place. But I have two friends who adopted babies/toddler when in their mid-forties, so the door may not yet be shut.
I’m pretty much in agreement (with rare exceptions, perhaps, but only perhaps) that one cannot know with a certainty what it’s like to be a parent unless one has been a parent.
I’m also pretty much in agreement (again, with perhaps rare exceptions) that one cannot know what it’s like to have been a soldier without having been in the army.
Where my agreement breaks down, however, is the idea that parenthood comes with “higher highs, lower lows” than other states of being. Non-pathological human brains, being capable of a full range of human emotional experience, are capable of a full range of emotional experience. I am unaware of any evidence of any sort of neurochemical change that co-occurs with parenthood that would change the ability to experience emotion.
I do agree with others that it could have made life much more difficult if one of our children had experienced mental illness. We have been fortunate not to have experienced any with our 4, but I have to admit that when we started our family, we naively never considered that. My sister is bi-polar and cannot hold a job and has frequent severe episodes. She and her husband were not able to have children, and when she is in one of her low points she get very emotional about never having been able to experience the “joy of having a child.” To be truthful, I am very relieved she did not have children. She is very unstable and would have been a horrible parent. I feel that if she had children, I would have probably ended up raising them. Having children is such a personal decision and I am glad that so many people recognize that it is not the right decision for them and make a conscious choice not to have them. I can’t imagine our life without them, but know that is not true for others. One of my college roommates never wanted children and actually had a tubal ligation when she was only 24. She has never regretted that decision- she says she knows she would not have been a good parent.
I do work with seniors and family caregivers trying to find resources to help them with daily living. We get inquiries from some seniors who don’t have children and often don’t have other family either, and I can’t help thinking how sad it must be to be isolated in a home with no family support. Obviously, support in your older age is not a reason to have children. I also recognize that having children is no guarantee that you will have familial support when you are older. We have planned our retirement so that we will be able to take care of ourselves (either at home or in an assisted living or skilled nursing facility) without depending on our children. But it is nice to know that we will most likely not be alone as we age. i realize not everyone feels that need.
dfb: I guess I should say that you won’t know the oxytocin high associated with childbirth and breastfeeding unless you have the experience yourself 
This isn’t a debate about brain chemistry, and you don’t have to “agree” with me. Speaking figuratively about the higher highs/lower lows, of course. I am not jumping a measurable 3.5 cm higher off the ground when I’m happy for my kid than when I’m happy for my spouse. I did not cry 250 ml more tears when my child died than when my mom died.
Parents have a special relationship with their children (and it’s not the same relationship that children have with their parents). It is an urge to protect and nurture, a responsibility/duty, and a particular emotional bond. You can love your friends, parents, siblings, spouse. You can sympathize/empathize with them, care for them, laugh and cry with/for them. But it is not the same feeling. They are not a reflection of you like a child is of his/her parents. You didn’t create/raise them. If you’re not a parent, words can’t really explain this feeling/relationship to you. If you’re a parent, no explanation is necessary.
I do respect those who choose not to be parents. Parenting is a particularly rich/deep/meaningful (and sometimes painful) experience. But it is not the only experience.
Just FTR, I am a parent. No explanation necessary? Not in this case, apparently.