Having second thoughts about going away

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My sweet D is a high school senior. She’s worked very hard to be set to likely be accepted at the schools of her choice and most of her applications are in. For a couple of years she has talked about how she only wants to look at schools across the country, is excited about living in/experiencing a different area of the country, has chosen schools with strong study abroad programs because she’s enjoyed her travels to Europe and wants the opportunity to go again. I was (quietly) surprised at her choices because although she is friendly and well-liked and has friends, she is not a social butterfly and tends toward being a homebody. </p>

<p>Last year when her guidance counselor suggested applying to the local UC just as a backup, she scoffed but agreed. </p>

<p>Over the summer and this fall, we spent several days and many dollars traveling to school tours and interviews (but that’s okay, they were great trips). </p>

<p>A few weeks ago she said, “What would you think if I applied to more California schools?”</p>

<p>Now, over the past few days, she has expressed that although she thinks she <em>should</em> go to one of the east coast schools she’s been so excited about, thinks it would be a great adventure, wants the “college experience” … she’s worried about being homesick, missing our dogs, the stress of living with people she doesn’t know. She’s concerned she’d be “crying for weeks.” She wants to go to our in-town UC. Its a fine school, but its somewhat big and impersonal and I don’t hear a lot of rave reviews. I certainly wouldn’t mind not worrying about her when she’s far from home and avoiding the hassles and expense of flying her back and forth from the east coast for school breaks. I’d feel better if there was a small LAC nearby that was a good fit. </p>

<p>Of course there’s lots of time left for another change of heart. Anyone had a similar experience? Thanks for listening. :-)</p>

2

<p>Your D has months to figure this all out…worse case, she stays and hates it so transfers or goes and hates it and transfers</p>

<p>In big scheme, not that bad</p>

3

<p>I did not have a similar experience about distance, but during senior year my D’s preferences in a school changed a great deal. She and I talk a lot, and we handled this by taking a walk every afternoon, and hashing out some of these conflicting feelings during the walks. She eventually chose a school different than what she had started looking for in junior year and is very happy.
I would encourage her to apply to more UCs, but, subtlely, discourage her from the in-town UC. It sounds like cold feet, but it may be a deepening understanding of what she truly wants (you said she was a homebody), the point is she needs time to make this decision, and space and a sounding board. She also may need compromise choices - CA is a big state, and she could be at a UC and still far enough from home. My D would say “I could do this, or I like X school because” then I would outline what she would give up by following that path, then she would go off and think some more, and after a few weeks she had re-organized her schools and really clarified her thinking.</p>

4

<p>my son was a recruited athlete. he wanted to attend that school and only that school. i couldn’t even encourage him to apply anywhere else. the night before we left him over 1000 miles away from home found him pretty sad and even a little scared. </p>

<p>a few weeks later, he was pretty blue. i told him that this would happen, but you don’t believe it until it does. i reminded him that right now he couldn’t wait to get home, but by thanksgiving he would find that he couldn’t wait to go back.</p>

<p>it proved to be very true. we were lucky enough to travel out east to see him once in a while, but in all honesty, it was a great experience for him. he has a new appreciation for his family and friends–both at home and at school.</p>

<p>only your daughter can decide, but she will be homesick at first no matter where she goes. encourage her to spread her wings. trust me, it will be just as hard for you as it is for her, but the worst that can happen is that she will decide to transfer home later…and that’s easier to live with than always wondering…</p>

5

<p>Let her know that you will support whatever her choice is. DS is 3,000 miles away as a freshman. He is doing fine but my DD would never hack it or want to be that far away. I would encourage her to apply to the UC, to some East Coast schools and to a CA LAC or two. Then she can have more time to think about it and assess all the situations. Have she ever been to the East Coast or visited the schools there? DS had been there several times and we did a couple of visits to various schools. I still made him apply to a UC. Leave the options open for now!</p>

6

<p>I agree with Ebee. She can add a couple of different CA schools and then wait and see how she feels in the Spring. Feelings like these may pop up every once in a while but not be constant, or this worry and fear could persist. Remember, a four hour drive is really not very different than a short flight, and there’s not a big difference between a short flight and a long one. She will probably leave the home area at some point, and whenever that happens will find herself missing home at times, but that doesn’t need to keep her from doing it.</p>

7

<p>How does she make transitions in general? I have a son who hates to go on vacation. He’s an absolute bear for the first 48 hours as he resists the change of location. I am bracing myself for the year of changes that are ahead of him.</p>

<p>My other son is much more stoic and farsighted. He might not like that 20 hour flight but he can’t wait to get to the new destination so he grins and gets on with it. He’s 9000 miles away.</p>

8

<p>Sushi, my D did the same thing. She was always very academically driven and just “knew” that she wanted out of the state of Colorado. We made her apply to at least one Colorado school for Boetcher purposes (scholarship program that pays all tuition, although the powers that be tend to give it to rural students only; don’t get me started on that subject . . .). </p>

<p>She was accepted EA to Georgetown and was also accepted at UCLA. We happily went to the accepted students orientation meetings at both places. As expected, there were things she liked at both schools and disliked at both schools. Then, the last week of March, the entire family went to the University of Colorado (where D had also applied and had been accepted) for a campus tour. D had been there before with other seminars as a senior, but I’d only been on the campus for football games.</p>

<p>Lo and behold, she was EVEN more confused about what to do after that. She thought long and hard before deciding that she wanted to go to CU-Boulder. Now, she was MUCH more confident about that decision that H and I were, but in the end, it was her decision, and we let her make it - even though we had lots of second thoughts about the “correctness” of her decision. Admittedly, we probably fell victim to the “prestige” label or U.S. News & World Reports rankings of American colleges.</p>

<p>And the end result? She loves CU-Boulder, is thriving, is getting a good education, and is going to be an assistant TA next semester in sociology. (shameless Mom brag I know, but I think it’s pretty great for a first-year student!). Her AP credits gave her sophomore standing, she’ll be a junior or close to it by the end of second semester, and financially speaking, it’s sure nice to be paying in-state tuition! Best of all, she’s only a little over an hour away and we can see her regularly. I love that part!</p>

<p>Good luck to your daughter in her endeavors. I’m sure she’ll make the right choice for her.</p>

9

<p>This is a kid-by-kid question, not a one-size-fits all.</p>

<p>My D has never been good at transitions. </p>

<p>I’ve posted this before, but she was the sort of kid to clutch my leg in terror when arriving at a birthday party, when all the other kids were joyfully racing forward… but within 20 minutes, she’d be fine. </p>

<p>On her first day of Kindergarten, I spent the whole day sitting on the edge of the sandbox, so she could see me out the window. I know that doesn’t sound so unusual, but THIS WAS AT THE SAME PLACE SHE’D ATTENDED PRESCHOOL FOR TWO YEARS ALREADY! Just going to a different room felt like a huge scary change to her. Day two, she was fine.</p>

<p>Anyhow, when she balked about going to college far from home we decided we needed to model our absolute CERTAINTY that she’d do well and be very happy, rather than help her devise nearby-home back-up plans. We felt the growth experience of being far from home was particularly important for her.</p>

<p>Our promise was: she’d be visited on Parents Weekend (October), She come home for Thanksgiving break & spring break in addition to Xmas, and we’d support her in a transfer app to <em>anywhere at all</em> if she did not feel happy after the first semester.</p>

<p>Upshot: She went 1000’s of miles from home. We got an email after about 2 weeks, talking about how much she loved the school and thanking us for the ‘push.’ </p>

<p>Now she’s a sophomore, she’s blissfully happy, & she refers to her school as ‘home.’</p>

<p>Sometimes a kid needs a little push and sometimes they need support, and permission to stay close. I think you have to listen to your maternal instinct about what your particular kid needs.</p>

<p>Finally, if one of the ‘dream’ schools has an admitted students weekend, send her. By herself. 99% guaranteed she’ll have so much fun she will go without a backward glance. :)</p>

10

<p>My S applied to a smattering of OOS schools & did NOT apply to flagship U that he said he wouldn’t attend in any case. He had mixed feelings about some of his apps (maybe that’s why he didn’t send all of it to all the schools on time?) In any case, his final choices were among 3 schools 1000s of miles from home & he chose a school he’s very happy at.
He has always been pretty good about transitions & has always been very comfortable in CA, where he ended up going to college.
I can see SBmom’s point & how the “push” they gave their D was needed to help get her out of her comfort zone. Glad it worked so well for them. My niece had a choice of her dream school, Notre Dame, and several other good options (UCSD & USC). She decided to stretch herself & go to her dream school, where she’s pretty happy (tho she admits it’s a stretch to settle there socially).
Bottom line, you do have to know your kid & allow them to cast a sufficiently wide net & understand that whatever they choose isn’t set in stone. I think this frees the kid from feeling that the entire future is staked on this one decision. Also remind your D that she can visit you & you can visit her no matter where she goes to school.</p>

11

<p>SBmom has it right. It varies by kid.</p>

<p>My son keeps hearkening back to a local school. When I mention he should apply to such-and-such he says he’s fine going to local school. (I might add he has applied to 8 schools…but I keep thinking it isn’t enough.) I was thinking he was just being lazy (imagine that!), but my friend pointed out something to me - that I simply am not listening to him, that he has a safety he likes, and it’s local and he’s fine with that.</p>

12

<p>If you want to ‘kid’ to go OOS or really far, then you either got to smother the ‘kid’ with goodness or make it so bad that the ‘kid’ gotta get-outta-here. Our kid sleeps on bricks when he’s home.</p>

13

<p>It could be that the trips to the schools helped some reality hit home for her and it could be influencing her change of mind.</p>

<p>I say have her apply to not just the local UC but to also several others - it’s as easy as checking the additional checkboxes on the app (and sending in a bigger check). She may decide to go to the local UC or one further away.</p>

<p>I have one D attending a local UC and another attending one further away but within reasonable driving distance. It’s very handy for both parents and kids to be within reasonable distance of each other.</p>

<p>If your D ends up going to the local UC, I strongly suggest she stay in the dorms on-campus if possible. When they’re staying in the dorm on-campus, it not much different than being at a U far away since they’re still now out of the house, on their own, etc. it’s not like the parens would routinely (or ever) just show up at their doorstep unless it was pre-arranged.</p>

14

<p>Another way to get kid to go to OOS is have them to go a HS where >80% of the class goes OOS. Those who find themselves unhappy eventually transfer back to flagship U.</p>

<p>I agree that if the kid goes to a nearby U, try to get the student to live on campus (preferably in the dorm) so s/he will have the independence most of us want for our college-age kids. I’ve heard of many families who find they rarely see their college kids who live in the dorm, even if the U is in the same city or very nearby.</p>

15

<p>It’s unpredictable too. My extrovert is the one who squawks about travelling anywhere. My introvert went up to live in a village in Africa without knowing a soul and without any luggage.</p>

<p>It would be worrisome if it was the introvert was the grouchy traveller. Extroverts will always find their people.</p>

16

<p>Our situation was similar. D was going east no matter what. Her top choices were all smaller LAC’s in the northeast. However,she applied to several UC’s but had no intention of going if she got into her east coast choices. </p>

<p>About this time of year, a huge percentage of the seniors at her large public high school, and most of her friends pronounced that they were staying in So Cal and going to UC Berkeley, UCLA, UCSB, and UCI if they got in (and almost all of them did). D had a period of cold feet since so many others were staying in California. We made sure she had applied to her UC’s, USC and Stanford so that if May came along and she still felt unsure, she could always stay in Cal. All her Cal schools came thru with acceptances and USC came in really early with money. D was able to relax and wait for the east coast schools to respond. </p>

<p>Ultimately, she got into her east coast favorite and took the plunge. Looking back, she tells me that she is really, really glad she took the risk of going away, especially to a smaller, more personal school. Her friends at the big UC’s are happy, but have lots of complaints about 3 students in a 2 person dorm room, huge classes, unable to get class choices, etc. </p>

<p>Just help your D make sure she has choices in Cal and elsewhere. May is a long time away and you can always take a trip spring break to visit the school(s) that accept her to help her make the final decision.</p>

17

<p>I’m a second year student who moved 3,000 miles in order to be at the school I’m at. I had a few second thoughts the first couple weeks I was here, but ultimately I wouldn’t be anywhere else. I would say if your D has always wanted to be on the east coast but is now getting nervous about it I wouldn’t encourage her to apply to more CA schools, that gives her a way out of doing what she wants to do. If she wants to go to the local UC that’s fine, but if she has always wanted to be on the east coast you should encourage her to try it. The worst that will happen is that she’ll hate it and transfer, but more than likely she’ll love it. I didn’t apply anywhere closer to home than about an eight hour drive, I didn’t want to get into making a decision about staying close to home when in my heart it wasn’t what I wanted. I would say encourage your D to spread her wings.</p>