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<p>Maybe, OP’s mother is TRYING to make OP feel guilty for being a mooch. We don’t have to live with OP, she does.</p>
<p>My impression from the post was…“it’s been four years, why doesn’t she get over it already so we can get back to cushy lifestyle.”</p>
<p>If that’s not the case, I would expect OP to clarify. Lack of follow up makes me suspect I’m right.</p>
<p>I also interpreted the OP’s comments in the same way laxtaxi interpreted them. It is possible OP’s mom is having some issues, probably related to the loss of her job & the family illnesses/deaths. If she is near the age of menopause, throw that into the mix. Sometimes even adults have a difficult time handling life. I think perhaps the mom might have issues to deal with … but of course, it really isn’t her kid’s place to tell her that flat out. Perhaps expressing concern for her personal happiness might be more effective than expressing disdain for her not fulfilling her financial obligations to the family.</p>
<p>Well…<em>I</em> interpreted the OP’s post as saying…“my mom should be working and she shouldn’t be complaining about money if she’s not. She’s been out of work long enough.”</p>
<p>We don’t know the whole story. Maybe the mom is depressed but maybe the mom has just decided that she doesn’t want a job now. If she was earning six figures, she had a career type of job, not a just any old job. AND she had probably been doing this work (and a lot of it) for many years to get to that salary level. </p>
<p>Maybe, just maybe, the mom needs and deserves a break and doesn’t WANT to work in that way again. </p>
<p>Around here folks are doing a lot of “financial complaining”. Costs of gas, heating oil, taxes, food, utilities, you name it…have gone up up up. People talk about it. <em>I</em> have talked about it and I’m not depressed. It’s a reality.</p>
<p>And like I said…if I were laid off from my job now…I would NOT (read that NOT) seek other employment right now. I, too, would take the time to do some of the other worthwhile things the OP’s mom is doing…the volunteer work in her schools and community. The OP never said her mom was sitting cloistered in their home. She said her mom was doing volunteer work instead of working.</p>
<p>To me…it sounded like the OP wanted her mom to work so that there wouldn’t be financial worries for she and her brother. In my post, I asked if the parents had expressed financial concerns to either of the kiddos. If that is not the case, I would let the parents decide if the mom NEEDS to work, not the college student.</p>
<p>Someone suggested that the mom might want to return to school. I have to tell you, with the number of degrees I have, THAT would also be low on my list of things to do.</p>
<p>But…this financial discussion would first take place with my husband. If we NEEDED my income to survive, I would work. If not, it would not be a source of discussion with my kids.</p>
<p>First off, let me start by appoligizing if I offended any of you parents. I understand that you have a significantly different perspective of this issue than me, so it may seem like I come off as some self centered kid, which was definately not the case, I was just trying to get the perspective of an adult. </p>
<p>Anyways, laxitaxi pretty much summed it up. If my mom was unemployed, but was content with it, then all the more power to her. But, that does not seem to be the case.</p>
<p>To clarify one thing that appears to have not come through, both of my parents were laid off, so my mom did not voulntary leave the work force. She has said, however, that she did enjoy her old job, but she does enjoy doing the PTSA work, which I find nothing wrong with that in doing something that you find rewarding. </p>
<p>A couple of people have mentioned depression as a possibility, which I believe may be true. Another possiblilty is that my mom’s pride may be damaged by trying to find another job in her old field and not necessarily succeeding, as she worked in an industry that is dominated by young males, which she is obviously neither. </p>
<p>LaxiTaxi also made another excellent point when s/he remarked about how the child felt guilty for wanting to go to boarding school. This is how I feel about college sometimes. Like I said in the OP, I go to an OOS public school. I could have gone to schools that were less expensive, but lower ranked, however, my parents said that they wanted me to get the best education in the place where I felt I would want to be, and so far that has been the case. Now, since I am the oldest of three, my parents expcet my other two brothers to go to college as well. However, I don’t want my brothers to miss out on going to their dream school, like me, because its too expensive. </p>
<p>As for taking out loans to help my education, my parents have discouraged me from doing so, as they don’t want me in debt when I graduate.</p>
<p>I don’t believe that my mom is acting this way to be a mooch, as MamaDrama said. While my parents pay for tuition and room and board, I pay for everything else (books, fraternity dues, gas, car insurance, parking), not to mention my tuition is a bit cheaper due to scholarships. </p>
<p>Also, while I want my mom to get a job if she wants to, it wouln’t be so I could drive the most expensive car, or so that we could vacation in the Hamptons every summer. I want my brothers not to be forced to choose a school based soley on expenses, but rather, one that they want.</p>
<p>Have we not agreed before that CC is a great place to vent and to ask for advice? So why dump on the OP who came to vent, but mostly to ask for advice?</p>
<p>Nowhere in the post does the OP say that she’s been telling off her mom for not working. for her part, she seems to be doing all she can. Se is working and has scholarships. She is worried about her younger brother. she is being a good sister, not the selfish, self-absorbed adolescent she is being portrayed as. And she is asking for advice about what else she can do.
I have suggested ways she could help her brother. I’m sure she would appreciate other useful advice.</p>
<p>EDIT: Crossposted with OP></p>
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<p>Imo OP will find it difficult to actually help her mom, as opposed to simply venting about her mom and her brothers, if OP harbors resentment and frustration over the situation.</p>
<p>I think OP is male- as he refers to fraternity dues.
I would also mention that while OP is paying for the costs of owning an automobile- I suggest that he eliminate those costs and put that money towards his costs for school.
You don’t need to own a car.
Additionally- maturity is gained when we realize that " wanting" and " needing" are two different things.
OP admits that he could be attending a less expensive school " but didn’t want to"
I can see where some resentment comes in, on both sides.
The family needs to be clear about what they can afford & the student needs to be making a financial contribution to his expenses.</p>
<p>It is possible to earn $3,000 min to pay directly toward your EFC from your summer job- it is more difficult if you live in a rural area however, although some students stay near campus for that reason.
It is also possible to pay for your books & personal expenses through your school year job.</p>
<p>I think the OP’s question was “What, if anything, should I do about this?” - not “do you agree my mother’s behavior is bad?”</p>
<p>jtrain - while i think it is noble that you want your siblings to have the same opportunities that you had when selecting a college, i think you need to recognize the fact that things change from child to child…financial situations change, the economy changes, and the same scholarships will likely not be available. If your siblings’ college options are what you are concerned about, I think you need to speak to them and see what they really want…and what your parents can really afford. In a perfect world, parents can offer each of their children perfectly equal shares of what is available…Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world, and sometimes each child doesn’t NEED the same amount. Everything they want may be available at a less expensive school than you are attending. Your interest in the well-being of your family is admirable.</p>
<p>This is what the OP said:
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<p>The OP did nor compel his parents to pay for an expensive OOS college; it was the parents’ choice to pay for it. As for the car, I cannot say whether it is necessary or not since I don’t know anything about where the OP attends school. </p>
<p>JTrain: As I said, it is perhaps best to concentrate on helping your younger siblings find a good college. With two or three children in college, your parents’ EFC will be reduced; they may get into great colleges where families with 100k+ income are eligible for help.</p>
<p>As for your mom, again, I don’t know what her situation is. Perhaps she is depressed. It takes a long while for some to recover from so many simultaneous blows, the loss of a job, the loss of parents after a long struggle. This process of recovery may also take quite different forms. And she may be anxious about returning to work. While she feels qualified for many jobs, she may also feel worried about the competition from younger (and less expensive) candidates. Many people in their 50s are terrified of losing their jobs for just that reason. It’s hard sometimes to accept suggestions from children. How about friends of your mother?</p>
<p>sorry marite I disagree.
He transferred last year from Bowling Green university to a more expensive university in college park Maryland after he raised his GPA from a C average in high school to a B! average in college.
The key words to me were * my parents wanted me to go to college in the best place where ** I would want to be**.* Knowing his parents were in financial difficulties, would students really want to be at a school that was 6 hrs away & which would be a financial burden?</p>
<p>Adult students are certainly capable of developing their own criteria for college . While they may in fact change their major after one year, as perhaps he did, they also can take into consideration the stress of the expense for their family & they do not have to allow themselves to be forced into something that will be detrimental to the relationship.
While prestige is apparently a criteria for some students, ease and cost of transportation is a criteria for others.
Additionally, someone who is asking about studying abroad for junior year, does not sound like someone who is really that concerned about his parents finances.</p>
<p>I guess I am not clear on exactly what is of most concern.
Is it that his mother is constantly fretting about money or is it that she hasn’t reentered the work force?</p>
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<p>Actually, I was suggesting that maybe mom thinks YOU are a mooch if she brings up money alot. </p>
<p>It is very possible that your mom is not complaining, just venting when she brings up the money stuff. I also don’t think there is anything wrong with letting your kids know that money is tight. If it’s tight, it’s tight, that’s just the truth whether you make $20,000 or $120,000. Guilt tripping is another story, but I am a firm believer in the truth.</p>
<p>Maybe this is really not about your mom, instead maybe you are feeling guilty gobbling up resources for OOS tuition to your dream school. As someone else implied, parenting isn’t always about slicing the pie in equal slices. Sometimes, life just isn’t fair and situations change. You may have to live with the fact that you got the biggest slice of the pie and your brothers got less. That sounds like the way it may be panning out. Sorry but that’s the truth of it.</p>
<p>Sounds like a good time to have a family talk about reasonable expectations regarding money. I missed if there will be more than one student in college at the same time? (Edit: Just re-read you and brother will be in school at the same time.)</p>
<p>In my case it was the working full time and being a mom that caused me to be depressed. Me not being in the work force currently makes me very happy and has helped relieve my depression as I don’t feel so pulled in so many directions. Your mom may not be depressed at all, just recovering from corporate or caregiver burnout.</p>
<p>As far as the keeping up with the Joneses stuff, I got over that along time ago, it is sad that your parents still feel compelled to compete. It is a lose-lose situation. I hope you will take a close look at their situation and make strident efforts to not fall into the same traps yourself in the future.</p>
<p>BTW, my oldest DD will start dual enrollment in the fall at BGSU as a rising HS junior. Her plans for college are to stay in state as there are others to follow.</p>
<p>EK;</p>
<p>I did not know that (I don’t tend to dig for past posts).
As for studying abroad, each case is different. My S’s semester abroad cost the same (it should have been wayyyy cheaper!) except for the airfare. Room and board were actually cheaper. </p>
<p>You are right, though, that it’s not clear whether the OP is concerned about his mom’s venting or not working. Perhaps, he’s not clear either.</p>
<p>I did not know that (I don’t tend to dig for past posts</p>
<p>I don’t generally, but when I feel like I am only getting a small piece of the picture- and someone is asking for advice- I want to be effective and not have energy be wasted giving advice to someone who only wants to have their opinion echoed.</p>