<p>I am not a parent, however, I thought I would post this in the parents form because other parents could probably help me out most in this situation
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Four years ago, both of my parents lost their jobs. They were both well paying jobs (six figures). My dad found a job almost right away. My mom however, has put off finding a job since then. At first it made sense, as both my grandfather and uncle were suffering from terminal diseases, which they both died of less than a year after my parents lost their jobs. However, since that has passed, my mother has been doing other things with her time instead of a job, such as volunteering, helping out with PTSA, etc.
Now, what bothers me is that my mom is always complaining about something do to with finances, wether is it saying how much money our neighbors/relatives make, or complaining about how little money my dad makes. She also constantly bad mouths her old company. My mom will occasionally search for a job, and when she sees a job she likes she will say, oh, I could totally do this job, its perfect for me! and then she does not apply.
This has begun to frustrate me even more because I am currently a rising junior at a OOS school, and my younger brother will be entering college in the fall of 09. I am well aware of how much college costs in comparison to how much my dad makes, and it worries me that my parents wont be able to pay for both. Now, I do have a part time job so I can help a bit with college finances, and my scholarships help as well, but again, those only go so far. My mom is always complaining about when my brother goes to college, we will have no money left. However, it really bothers me that she seems to be doing nothing productive to try and help the situation. My mom is a very talented and creative individual, and I am sure she could find a job, but she rather just seems content with complaining about it. What, if anything, should I do about this?</p>
<p>JTrain - You don’t say how old your parents are. Thirty four? Fifty four? It makes a big difference. Regardless, I’m not sure this is something that you can help with, because it really is your parent’s business. IMO, the best thing you can do for your parents is to be successful with your own life.</p>
<p>Maybe it would help to remember that lots of parents don’t even try to pay for their kids’ college educations. You can’t change your parents, so just be grateful for what you do have.</p>
<p>Also, your mother may not be as dissatisfied or worried about finances as she seems. She may just tend to talk about concerns and issues a lot. You should listen and be supportive, but probably shouldn’t offer suggestions about how she can fix her problems; that’s probably not what she’s looking for. Try reading “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen.</p>
<p>What does your dad say about mom when she complains that he is making not enough ? Do you think your mom is depressed ? She must be exhausted after taking care of your uncle and grandpa and maybe need a breather. </p>
<p>Have you talked to her about it ?</p>
<p>OP…it sounds like your mom had a career type of job prior to losing it. I have to say…if that happened to me, and we were able to pay our bills on DH’s income, I would do the same thing your mom is doing. I’ve worked in the public sector for 32 years…I would LOVE to have time to volunteer during the daytime for things having to do with my kids and the community. These are not horrible things.</p>
<p>Have your parents (both mom AND dad) indicated that family finances are an issue…to you? Believe me, most folks are whining a bit about finances these days…costs are going up for lots of things and there are lots of reasons to mention finances. But this does not mean that your mom NEEDS to get a job if this decision is supported by your dad AND the bills are getting paid.</p>
<p>You can’t change your mom, but you can help your brother look for good financial aid, merit scholarships, etc… If he is going off to college in Fall 2009, this is a crucial time for him to be thinking about college and scholarship essays, applying to colleges with rolling admissions, getting recommendations, and so forth.</p>
<p>Leave Mom alone. Someday, you’ll realize how difficult and exhausting it is to work full time, raise a family, manage the house, grocery shopping, attend every sporting event that the kid’s participate in, keep up with the never ending laundry, cooking, and etc. She put in her time trying to juggle it all. Often times, kids tend to forget that parents are human too. I’m not saying that you’re ungrateful. It’s not until you’ve been a Mom and Wife while holding down a full time job for a number of years, that you will be able to understand the difficulty in being superwoman. This is a decision between your Dad and your Mom so let it go.</p>
<p>Jtrain, </p>
<p>What you are describing is a perfect storm of life’s most stressful events: the loss of a job, death of a loved one, and the extreme financial challenges of getting your kids through college. My heart goes out to you and your family.</p>
<p>I think that you should focus on your role in the family, and work to create the most supportive, understanding and peaceful atmosphere in your household that you can. The last thing you should do is needle your parents about finding jobs or taking other action. I think, if I were you, I would initiate discussions with your financial aid office at school and show your parents that you are taking positive action to help solve the problem and reduce the stress.</p>
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<p>It sounds like you resent and are frustrated by your mom’s decision not to seek work.</p>
<p>If so, such negative feelings will make it difficult for you to listen to her nonjudgmentally, and therefore make it difficult for you to be helpful to her.</p>
<p>I would say your mom is depressed and working through some stuff and is probably doing what she needs to do.</p>
<p>What I tried to do with relatives that liked to complain, is that I would first ask them if they wanted advice or if they just wanted to vent. If they just wanted to vent, I would try and let it go in one ear and out the other, but there were also times when I had to limit contact because it was so draining.</p>
<p>You also don’t mention why they lost their jobs, were they laid off, downsized, fired?
Perhaps your mom is worried about getting another job and competing with younger & less expensive hires or perhaps she is thinking about a change of career. Perhaps she would like to return to school herself. While * your* EFC will not take into account her attending school, * her* EFC will allow for students who are dependents and that can make returning to school a workable idea.</p>
<p>"Now, I do have a part time job so I can help a bit with college finances, and my scholarships help as well, but again, those only go so far. "</p>
<p>It’s summer. Unless you are in school fulltime, get a fulltime job, and get a parttime job during the school year. Take out loans. Help your brother find an affordable college.</p>
<p>Between raising kids, working fulltime, losing her job, having relatives who died, having your dad lose his job, your mom has been through hell. If she’s fortunate, what she’s doing now – not working while being involved in things like the PSA-- is helping her bounce back from a horrendous time while she continues to do things to help your family. More than likely, she is very depressed. You are an adult. It’s your turn to pick up the slack so as to have the life that you want.</p>
<p>I am speaking from the perspective of a mom who went through stresses similar to what your mom went through. It took me years to recover.</p>
<p>jtrain,</p>
<p>I am trying really hard not to slam you as I realize you are young, but this really falls under the category of noneya (as in none ya business). Just the fact that you act like 4 years is an eternity let’s me know the extent of your youth. </p>
<p>I am a stay at home mom who could be making $80,000 plus in the world of paid work but I have chosen to make being home with my kids a priority and to sort out alot of personal things (medical, family, around the house, kids education and activities) that would not be possible if I was working full time. I have three children (MS and HS) and a partner and we live on probably less than half of what your dad brings home.</p>
<p>We also have had a number of family crises that my presence at would have been impossible if I was working full time. In addition, the toll that working full time and being a mom was having on my health was horrible. All stress related. Migraines, insomnia, female problems, depression and a cancer scare which my kids don’t are not aware of.</p>
<p>Your parents are obviously smart people and if they need more money, they will find it. That doesn’t necessarily mean your mom will go back to paid employment though, it could mean cutting down on expenses. She has her degree, if she needs it, she’ll use it.</p>
<p>It sounds like you want your mom to go to work to make your life and your brother’s easier. You should want her to do it if that is what makes her happy. You are over the age of consent, you are lucky they are paying for anything at all.</p>
<p>I know it seems at your age that life’s path is clear and you think you have all the answers for how to make things easier but trust me, you don’t. Until you are a parent it is really not possible to put yourself in your parents’ shoes, particularly your mom’s. Life throws alot of curve balls and we have to deal with them as they come.</p>
<p>Become more independent yourself and encourage your sibling to do the same. That is what your parents want from you, not your advice.</p>
<p>Many years ago I was downsized from my executive position (VP title and led a staff of 40+). I got lots and lots of job offers, but, I didn’t accept any of them, mostly because they just didn’t excite me, and because I just didn’t feel like starting all over again. My daughter joked at the time that I didn’t really WANT any of the jobs, I just enjoyed going on interviews and being OFFERED the jobs. </p>
<p>I paid our bills, barely scraping by on freelance work and odd jobs here and there…and eventually (it took two to three years) morphed into the entrepreneurial situation I very much enjoy (and would never consider anything else) today. I haven’t earned under six figures/year in many years. But it took a while for me to get to the psychological place where I could function as an executive again. Being let go from one’s position is very stressful and upsetting, and it takes a while to recover. </p>
<p>Bottom line, leave your mom alone, and give her time, space, and support. My daughter always applied humor to the situation, and teased me about the latest job offers that I kept turning down. She was probably very worried as well at the time but she had the good sense to keep the negativity out of our household environment. Your mother will find what she wishes to do (or not) on her schedule. It’s her career, her life, her call.</p>
<p>It does sound like your mom is going through a rough time. Help by noticing the nice things she does and say “thank you” from time to time. That little bit can go a long way toward helping her. I went through something a bit like this, but different. When I went back to work, it put us right at the bottom of the top tax bracket…we ended up paying more in taxes that year than I had earned. It was very frustrating I had gone through all the stress of working, just to have lost money. Now I keep busy with volunteer work and helping in my H’s business (unpaid). It’s hard for a child to judge and know all the details of why parents make certain decisions, so don’t pressure your mom to go back to work. But do help your brother with his college search, paperwork and scholarship applications. You can control only your own actions, not others.</p>
<p>Hmmm,
I’m a former software engineer, who chose to stay home for 15 years with the kids. Started back teaching 6 years ago. The job suits me well. I am not making 1/2 what I could as a software engineer. (and since I’ve been teaching programming that would be an option). It hasn’t occurred to any of my kids to suggest that I quit teaching and make more money, even though they (and I) would have fewer worries about college expenses.</p>
<p>OP, you are young. If your parents are content with their current income and lifestyle, that’s it. Done. Get a job, get more loans, get more scholarships - whatever. It’s not your business to encourage your mother to go back to work so that your life is more comfortable. If they are NOT content, it’s still their business, and not yours, as to how best to deal with the financial and life issues.</p>
<p>okay…I’ll do say it…and I’ll try to be gentle.</p>
<p>I’m a little bothered when I hear or read any statements that smack of entitlement. I’m a CPA, but opted to give up my career in public accounting to stay home with our children after my second child was born. There were several factors that played into the decision…including having a child with health issues and a traveling husband. I think if ever one of my children complained that they were being deprived because we made the decision for me not to work, I would be offended. My husband and I managed to become college educated and successful professionals without taking one cent from our parents. And though we have lived through economically challenging times, we are financially comfortable now. Yet we have always reminded our kids that there are very few things in life to which they are entitled. </p>
<p>Now if your concern is about your mom’s psychological well-being and you feel she is wasting HER potential (not yours or your siblings), that is a completely different story. I would say I admire you for your empathy, but that it is still her business.</p>
<p>I don’t think any of you understood jtrain’s OP. Or maybe I misunderstood him/her. You all interpreted the OP as complaining that mom won’t get a job. I didn’t read it this way at all. </p>
<p>I saw the OP as saying that mom has made a decision not to reenter the workforce. That is a fine decision. Lots of people make that decision and it is right for them. What is not right is to make the decision to leave the workforce and then complain about the lack of money, denigrate others, badmouth the previous employer, etc. I think jtrain’s reaction to this is healthy and predictable. It seems to me that mom has some serious issues around her choices and, rather than dealing with them in a healthy way, she is circling around the issues by making others around her feel badly. Mom needs counseling. Jtrain may too, around the issue of why he/she feels responsible for facilitating his/her mom’s happiness. </p>
<p>This spring my spouse and I made a big financial decision to allow our daughter to attend boarding school. It has never been part of our plans and we are going to have to sacrifice in order to make it happen. After we made the decision, on several occasions I made comments to my daughter about having to eat Raman noodles and live in a tent. It was a backhanded way of letting her know that she was costing us a lot of money, and it wasn’t fair to put that on her. She asked to go to BS, but we didn’t have to say yes. It was our choice as the adults in control of our family’s finances. After the second or third such comment, D told me she thought it was unfair and upsetting and told me if I was going to continue making her feel guilty she didn’t want to go to BS. It was a wakeup call for me - she was right. I told her so and stopped making the comments. Jtrain’s mom would do well to stop making similar comments and making the family feel badly for her decisions. She has two children approaching college age. Rather than making hurtful comments around money, she would serve everyone better if she would have an honest analysis of what the family can afford and an open discussion about what is available - and what is not - from the family to have the kids go to college. Otherwise every snide comment she makes around money will continue to make the kids feel guilty for wanting to go to college.</p>
<p>I interpreted the comments in the same way as laxtaxi.</p>
<p>* What is not right is to make the decision to leave the workforce and then complain about the lack of money, denigrate others, badmouth the previous employer, etc.*</p>
<p>[Depression:</a> Supporting a family member or friend with depression - MayoClinic.com](<a href=“http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/MH00016]Depression:”>Depression: Supporting a family member or friend - Mayo Clinic)</p>
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