<p>This is one of my son’s favorites:</p>
<p>What is invisible and smells like bananas?</p>
<p>Monkey burps!</p>
<p>And a little more risque:</p>
<p>One Saturday a man and his wife take their 4 yr. old son to zoo. Outside of the elephant enclosure, Daddy heads over to a drink stand to get everyone some lemonade. </p>
<p>As Mommy and little boy are there waiting, the little boy asks, “Mommy, what’s that thing hanging down from the elephant?” Mommy says “That is his trunk, honey, that’s what makes the elephant unique in the animal kingdom.” The little boy interrupts to say “no Mommy, further back!” Mommy nervously volunteers “You mean his tail?” "No, Mommy, the thing hanging down in the middle!</p>
<p>Well, Mom wasn’t prepared for a question about sexual anatomy, so in a flustered state she shushes him with “Oh, that’s nothing!” </p>
<p>When Daddy comes back with the lemonade, he realizes he forgot straws. Mommy heads off the drink stand to get them. So the little boy tries with him too…“Daddy, what’s that thing hanging down?” “His trunk, you mean?” “No Daddy, further back!” “You mean his tail, son?” “No Daddy, between those two.” Daddy feels this must be addressed seriously so he calmly states, “Son, that is the elephant’s sexual organ.” “But Daddy,” says the little boy, confused, “Mommy said that was nothing!” </p>
<p>Daddy gets a smug look on his face, and says “Well, son, your mom is kinda spoiled…”</p>
<p>In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. </p>
<p>Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.” “Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay
for the brain yourselves.” </p>
<p>The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?” </p>
<p>The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.” </p>
<p>The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more?” </p>
<p>The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”</p>
<p>WHY AM I SO TIRED?</p>
<p>For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor
blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real
reason:</p>
<p>overworked.</p>
<p>Here’s why: The population of this country is 273 million.</p>
<p>140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.</p>
<p>There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the
work.</p>
<p>Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
Leaving 19 million to do the work.</p>
<p>2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam
Hussein.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. </p>
<p>Take from the total the14,800,000
people who work for state and city governments, And that leaves
1.4 million to do the work.</p>
<p>At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.</p>
<p>Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.</p>
<p>That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.</p>
<p>And there you are sitting at your computer, reading jokes.</p>
<p>Nice, real nice.</p>
<p>In first place so far…(drum roll)… </p>
<p>hoedown and the elephant joke.</p>
<p>Well, I liked Yemaya’s and Tlaktan’s.</p>
<p>A classic:
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:</p>
<p>“Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.” Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.</p>
<p>One student, however, wrote the following:</p>
<p>First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.</p>
<p>With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.</p>
<p>This gives two possibilities:</p>
<ol>
<li>If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.</li>
<li>Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. </li>
</ol>
<p>So which is it?</p>
<p>If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that “it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.</p>
<p>This student got the only A.</p>
<p>A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, “And who created all there is in 6six days and rested on the seventh,” she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, “Good God almighty!”</p>
<p>The minister said, “That’s right, that’s right,” and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to, “And who died on the cross to save us from our sins,” the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, “Jesus Christ!” The minister said, “That’s right, that’s right,” and went on with his sermon.</p>
<p>The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, “And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?” the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, “I f you stick that damn thing in me again, I’ll break it off!”</p>
<p>Two hunters are having a busy day walking through a hilly forest, when suddenly one keels over apparently dead from a heart attack. His friend calls the hospital emergency room on his cell phone and tells them what happenned. “What should I do?” he asks in a panicked voice.</p>
<p>“First, get calm. I need you to make sure he is really dead.”
“Okay,” says the hunter, “hold on.”
BLAMmmmm!!!
“Okay, I’m sure”</p>
<p>Three nuns die in a car accident and go up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter greets them and tells them that they will each have to answer one question before going in.
He asks the first nun, Who was the first man.
Adam she replies and a heavenly chorus sings and she ascends in.
He asks the second nun, Who was the first woman?
Eve, she replies and a heavenly chorus sings and she ascends in
He then turns to the third nun and asks…and what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?</p>
<p>Ooh, thats a hard one, comments the nun…
and a heavenly chorus sings and she ascends in</p>
<p>For the golfer:</p>
<p>Husband comes home at midnight, all disshevled after a really long day of golf. </p>
<p>Wife: Dear what happend you look awful and you are so late?</p>
<p>Husband: Dear it was awful…Larry died, right there on the 3rd hole…</p>
<p>Wife: Oh, my that must have been terrible!!!</p>
<p>Husband: It was it was, I mean, hit the ball, drag Larry, hit the ball, drag Larry…</p>
<p>Three men are discussing their previous night’s lovemaking.</p>
<p>Alberto, the Italian says, “My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for ten minutes.”</p>
<p>Marcel, the Frenchman, not to be outdone, says, “I smoothed sweet butter on my wife and then made passionate love with her. She screamed for half an hour.”</p>
<p>Maurice Cohen says, “That’s nothing. I smeared my wife’s body with schmaltz. We then made fantastic love and she screamed for six hours.”</p>
<p>The other two say, “Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?”</p>
<p>Maurice shrugs, “I wiped my hands on the drapes.”</p>
<p>A+, kinshasha. I immediately sent that one to my two cousins of the appropriate ethnic background to truly enjoy.</p>
<p>Kinshasa:</p>
<p>And I laughed for 10 minutes.</p>
<p>That’s one of my absolute favorites! Glad you enjoyed it.</p>
<p>But this can be adapted to any geographic region. Hope it doesn’t offend any residents of these cities! Whoever dreamed this up is incredibly creative.</p>
<p>Mattel Inc. today announces the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls, specifically for the Northern California Market:</p>
<p>Pleasanton Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at the Stoneridge Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a cookie cutter house. Options include tummy tuck, face lift and a workaholic Ken. </p>
<p>San Ramon Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit available.</p>
<p>Richmond Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows, and Meth Lab Ken.</p>
<p>Pinole Barbie: This Barbie is the wanna-be San Ramon Barbie, only she usually carries a knife to stab her fellow Barbies in the back with. She’s available with cell phone, SUV and a drink in her hand. </p>
<p>El Sobrante Barbie: This Barbie is truly one of a kind. Comes with Biker Ken & his Harley and a replica of the Capri Club. She only hangs out with Ken because he has a bike and when he’s not around she’s looking for another man - who has a bike. Watch out! She usually doesn’t care if he has a wife or girlfriend. Otherwise known as Scooter Tramp Barbie.</p>
<p>Folsom Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit card and shallow Ken. </p>
<p>Sacramento Barbie: This Barbie comes with an exclusive set of luggage since she is always traveling to the Bay area or to Reno/Tahoe; very rarely stays at home. She comes with two basketball jerseys since shes an avid Kings/Monarchs fan. River Cats Ken available separately. State Worker version has a look of perpetual concern on her face over the disposition of her politically-driven employment. Also comes with seasonal allergy kit.</p>
<p>Stockton Barbie: This white-trash model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken’s ass when she’s drunk. A pickup is available with stick-on Confederate flag bumper stickers.</p>
<p>Tahoe Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie still has not learned that you can’t wear a leopard print ski outfit without looking passe, even if you are actually skiing. </p>
<p>Berkeley Barbie: This Barbie actually comes in two variations. One has long gray hair and archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. The other version has frizzy hair, a dingy white tank top, low cut jeans and scratch-n-sniff armpits.</p>
<p>Bakersfield Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie still has not learned that you can’t wear high-heeled sandals from Payless with no pedicure and without breaking a heel and falling while you chase your beer-gutted, hollow gold-chain-wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with lips covered in a sparkly pink color or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back of her jeans, a white barely-there see-through shirt. Her long, layered hair is bleached/highlighted and BIG. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and rusty old Ford pick up.</p>
<p>Texas Transplant Barbie: This Barbie comes with a Ford SUV (Texas plates), a knife to stab other Barbies in the back, and tons of makeup. Beer-swilling Carnivore Ken sold separately.</p>
<p>They are working on developing an “Oakland Barbie”, but she keeps getting shot.</p>
<p>Piedmont Barbie: This True Blonde shops exclusively in Walnut Creek and Carmel. She drives her Land Rover (sold separately) to the Oakland Public Library. She has an MBA from Stanford but has never worked outside the home. Her child stroller is bigger than your house and her tennis trophies are discreetly hidden behind CEO Ken’s golf trophies. She knows enough Spanish to talk with the nanny; Tagalog to speak to the cook; and Chinese, Vietnamese and Korean, to talk with the gardener, house painter, and housekeeper respectively. She is a lifelong member of the Junior League and her Piedmont estate on Sea View Drive is featured in Architectural Digest. Her family owns a winery in Napa, but she buys cases of “2-Buck Chuck” at Trader Joe’s, hence the need for the rear-loading Land Rover. Her dirty little secret?? She’s a closet Democrat.</p>
<p>Two guys are playing golf and just before his put one golfer noticing a hearse going by pauses stands with his had in his hands and waits for the hearse to passes.</p>
<p>Wow says his friend that was really sensitive of you.</p>
<p>Yeh, we would have been married twenty years this fall.</p>
<p>We in San Francisco have a wide variety of Barbies and Kens if you can just imagine, and sometimes they share clothes!!!</p>
<p>I guess they weren’t quite sure how to classify an SF Barbie…</p>
<p>(My H golfs, so I have heard every golf joke imaginable)</p>
<p>A guy is walking along a sandy beach in Kona, Hawaii and he accidentally kicks up a sandy bottle. As he cleans the bottle off a very tired looking Genie appears.</p>
<p>“I can’t believe you found me so fast, I really need a rest…I tell you what I’ll do…you get one wish.” says the Genie in a sleepy voice.</p>
<p>“Well I always wanted to go to San Francisco, but I am afraid to fly and I get sea sick, so could you build me a bridge so I could drive.”</p>
<p>“Are you kidding me,” the Genie argues back, “do you know, how hard it would be to build a bridge…find the ocean footings, build the framework, place hotels, gas stations and restuarants along the route? That’s too hard; Make another wish”</p>
<p>“Well, let me understand the college acceptance process.”</p>
<p>The Genie winces, “two lanes or four”</p>
<p>bummmmmmmp</p>
<p>This <em>is</em> a college forum:</p>
<p>A retiring physician takes a job at a midwestern college. The first coed he examines unbuttons her shirt so he can check her with his stethoscope. He can’t help but notice that she has the distinct impression of an “A” on the skin of her chest. “How did you get that?” he asks. “Well, she says, my boyfriend is from the University of Alabama and he likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love.”</p>
<p>The doctor was still thinking about that when he the next young lady came in. When she unbuttoned her shirt, he noticed the distinct impression of the letter “I” on her chest. “How did you get that?” he asked, thinking that he might know the answer. “Well, she says, my boyfriend is from the University of Illinois and he likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love.”</p>
<p>Now the doctor thinks he’s dicovered a new trend with college students, so he was prepared when the next coed came in. She unbuttoned her shirt to reveal an impression of the letter “M” on her chest. “Let me guess,” the doctor said. “You have a boyfriend at the University of Michigan.”</p>
<p>“Nooo…” she replied, “…but I do have a girlfriend at the University of Wisconsin.”</p>