<p>old Italian man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his tomato garden,
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.</p>
<p>Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able
to plant my tomato garden this year.
I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad</p>
<p>A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,</p>
<p>Not for nothing, but don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie</p>
<p>At 4 a.m. the next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.</p>
<p>Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie</p>
<p>Three old ladies were sitting on a bench in the Fairfax district (L.A., Jewish neighborhood). After five minutes of silence, the first one woman says a single word: “Oy!” After another five minutes of silence, the second woman utters a long, ragged, pained sigh. The third woman immediately slaps her hands and says, “That’s it, girls. If all we’re going to do is talk about the children, I’m leaving.”</p>
<p>An older woman walks into her doctors office and tells the doctor that she has a terrible flatuance problem, but fortunately her gas is silent and odorless. She even admits to having passed gas when she came into the room.</p>
<p>The doctor gives her some pills and tells her to call him in a week or as soon as she notices any difference.</p>
<p>Four days later she calls, she still has a problem with gas but now it stinks.</p>
<p>“Well.” he says, “now that your sinuses are clearing up we can work on your hearing!”</p>
<p>A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs
some cyanide.</p>
<p>The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”</p>
<p>The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord have mercy”, I can’t give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my
license, and they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will
happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"</p>
<p>Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.</p>
<p>The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, hell, you
didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”</p>
<p>Two college boys go to a frat party. By the end of the night, one is smashed, the other stays sober. Unfortunately, they drove together in the drunk’s expensive car, and he insists on driving home. Sober guy thinks quickly. “Let’s flip for the car keys” he says. “Heads, I drive. Tails, you ride.”</p>
<p>A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.</p>
<p>They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.</p>
<p>They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.</p>
<p>The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.” Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.</p>
<p>This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.</p>
<p>Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.</p>
<p>The guy calms down and says… Make 'em all ugly again".</p>
<p>Two old friends, Sam and Paul, both base ball fanatics, make a pledge to each other that whoever dies first will make an effort to comeback and tell the other what the after life is like. Shortly thereafter Sam dies in his sleep, is buried with his mitt and a ball.</p>
<p>Two weeks later Paul awakes from his sleep and there is Sam standing at the foot of the bed. “Sam, what is heaven like…do they play baseball there?”</p>
<p>“Paul,” Sam replies, “I have good news and bad news for you. Yes they have baseball, I played a game with Babe Ruth and it was like we were in our twenties!”</p>
<p>Senator Chuck Hagel and President George Bush get into an argument about what to do about Iraq and who is responsible for all the problems. They decide to settle it like real men with a sporting event. Bush suggests a Bike race, Hagel suggests horseshoes but finnally they agree on a four day ice fishing contest…who ever gets the most fish wins. To make sure everything is on the up and up only the two men are to go to the cabin deep in the woods for the event. Just as he is leaving the White House, Vice-President Cheney gives the President a high tech spy cell phone that will work from any where. “Take it, just in case he starts to cheat.”</p>
<p>Well the first day they settle into the cabin and then go out to separate sides of the lake to fish. Bush comes back with nothing…Hagel has four beautiful fish, which they eat for supper. The same results the next day…so that night Bush sneaks out and calls Cheney for advice. “He has to be cheating, what should I do?” says the President. “Follow him and see what he is up to,” advises Cheney.</p>
<p>The next day, Bush circles around and follows Hagel. Watches what he is doing and heads back to the cabin to call Cheney.</p>
<p>“Well, you were right, he is cheating” says Bush.</p>
<p>“What is he doing, I’ll help you with a strategy,” suggests Chaney.</p>
<p>In Jerusalem, a female CNBC journalist heard about a
very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing
Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long
time. So she went to check it out. She went to the
Wailing Wall and there he was!</p>
<p>She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when
he turned to leave, she approached him for an
interview. “I’m Rebecca Smith from CNBC. Sir, how long
have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”</p>
<p>“For about 60 years.”</p>
<p>“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”</p>
<p>“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the
Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray
for all our children to grow up in safety and
friendship.”</p>
<p>“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”</p>
<p>Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”</p>
<p>Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car & the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.</p>
<p>Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips & says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.” </p>
<p>~No your mind is not playing tricks on you…I started with the 2nd one lol :D</p>
<p>A couple dies two days before their wedding …and they ask St. Peter if they could get married after they cross through the Pearly Gates. He asks them to wait until he comes back…they wait for a really long time even by heavens standards, a really long time…while he is gone they start discussing their new plans…and they have a little quarrel…then they start to think this could be a mistake…eternity is a long time…just then St. Peter gets back, looking worn and tired and says, “yes, you can get married in heaven”</p>
<p>The groom then asks…“and is it possible to get a divorce in heaven? I mean if we make a mistake?”</p>
<p>St. Peter looks annoyed,
“It took me three months to find a priest in there and now you want me to look for a lawyer?”</p>
<p>A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and
said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?” </p>
<p>Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.” </p>
<p>Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. </p>
<p>The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma’s minister. </p>
<p>The minister said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?” The little boy
replied,“Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.” The
minister fainted.</p>