Heard any good jokes lately?

Parent Cafe
61

<p>in my emails this morning
Just a little musing and wondering:</p>

<p>Can you cry under water?</p>

<p>How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?</p>

<p>If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?</p>

<p>Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?</p>

<p>Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… . but it’s only a “penny for
your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?</p>

<p>Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?</p>

<p>Why does a round pizza come in a square box?</p>

<p>What disease did cured ham actually have?</p>

<p>How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?</p>

<p>Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like
every two hours?</p>

<p>If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?</p>

<p>If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?</p>

<p>Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?</p>

<p>Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to
look at things on the ground?</p>

<p>How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
America?</p>

<p>Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you
naked anyway.</p>

<p>If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?</p>

<p>Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?</p>

<p>Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?</p>

<p>Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”</p>

<p>Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?</p>

<p>Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?</p>

<p>When your photo is taken for your driver’s license, why do they tell you to
smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
going to be smiling?</p>

<p>If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?</p>

<p>Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?</p>

<p>If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can’t he fix a hole in a boat?</p>

<p>Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?</p>

<p>Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both
dogs!</p>

<p>What do you call male ballerinas?</p>

<p>Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?</p>

<p>If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he
just buy dinner?</p>

<p>If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?</p>

<p>If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?</p>

<p>Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?</p>

<p>Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?</p>

<p>Why did you just try singing the two songs above?</p>

<p>Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it
a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?</p>

<p>Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?</p>

<p>let me add - that we park on driveways and drive on parkways.</p>

62

<p>“If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?”</p>

<p>I think this is funny.</p>

63

<p>A friend of mine sent me this writing assignment story, which I think qualifies for a joke. I have included the first four paragraphs from the story as it goes quickly down hill from there.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>(Gary) </p>

<p>Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie</p>

64

<p>mr b
i enjoyed that</p>

65

<p>Mr. B:</p>

<p>My S must be a clone of Gary. He’s written reams of sci-fi that sound exactly like that! :(</p>

66

<p>WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?</p>

<p>Plato: For the greater good.</p>

<p>Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.</p>

<p>Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken’s dominion maintained.</p>

<p>Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.</p>

<p>Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!</p>

<p>Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.</p>

<p>Timothy Leary: Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.</p>

<p>Douglas Adams: Forty-two.</p>

<p>Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.</p>

<p>Oliver North: National Security was at stake.</p>

<p>B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.</p>

<p>Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.</p>

<p>Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.</p>

<p>Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of “crossing” was encoded into the
objects “chicken” and “road”, and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this
potential occurrence.</p>

<p>Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.</p>

<p>Aristotle: To actualize its potential.</p>

<p>Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
nature.</p>

<p>Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.</p>

<p>Salvador Dali: The Fish.</p>

<p>Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from
the trees.</p>

<p>Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.</p>

<p>Epicurus: For fun.</p>

<p>Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.</p>

<p>Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.</p>

<p>Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.</p>

<p>Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.</p>

<p>David Hume: Out of custom and habit.</p>

<p>Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That’s the (censored)
reason.</p>

<p>Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?</p>

<p>Ronald Reagan: I forget.</p>

<p>John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken
availed himself of the opportunity.</p>

<p>The Sphinx: You tell me.</p>

<p>Mr. T: If you saw me coming you’d cross the road too!</p>

<p>Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow
out of life.</p>

<p>Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.</p>

<p>Molly Yard: It was a hen!</p>

<p>Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.</p>

<p>Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.</p>

<p>Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.</p>

<p>The Godfather: I didn’t want its mother to see it like that.</p>

<p>Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken’s wings.</p>

<p>Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.</p>

<p>Othello: Jealousy.</p>

<p>Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have,
you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the
Need to resist such a public Display of your own
lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.</p>

<p>Mrs Thatcher: This chicken’s not for turning.</p>

<p>Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.</p>

<p>Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One’s social engagements whilst in
town ought never expose one to such barbarous
inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a
road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the
chicken in question.</p>

<p>Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade
insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.</p>

<p>Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome,
filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume
to question the actions of one in all respects his
superior.</p>

<p>Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o’er.</p>

<p>Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of
misplaced concreteness.</p>

<p>Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)</p>

<p>Hamlet: That is not the question.</p>

<p>Donne: It crosseth for thee.</p>

<p>Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.</p>

<p>Constable: To get a better view.
<a href=“http://eserver.org/philosophy/chicken.txt[/url]”>http://eserver.org/philosophy/chicken.txt&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

67

<p>Mr. B:
To finish off your post#63, here’s the rest of the story:</p>

<p>(Gary, continued)
…and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow 'em out of the sky!” </p>

<p>(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. </p>

<p>(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F–KING TEA? Oh no, I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!” </p>

<p>(Rebecca)
A**hole. </p>

<p>(Gary)
B!tch ! </p>

<p>(Rebecca)
F__K YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL! </p>

<p>(Gary)
Go drink some tea - w***e. </p>

<p>(TEACHER) </p>

<p>A+ - I really liked this one</p>

68

<p>Marite my family enjoyed that post…thanks to everyone for these laughs. </p>

<p>A Duck, a nun and a pirate walk into a bar and the bar tender says,“what is this, a joke?”</p>

<p>A cowboy rides into town on Friday, leaves on Friday and only stays two nights…how is this possible?</p>

69

<p>Friday’s the horse’s name, right?</p>

70

<p>Soccermom, yes you are right.</p>

<p>A senator, a boy scout, a priest and a pilot go up for a senic airplane ride. They are up over the Nevada Mountains when the engine starts to sputter and then stops. The pilot goes back to the cabin tells them there is a problem with the plane and unfortunately they only have three parachutes, one of which he must take because he will be able to tell the authorities what went wrong with the plane, possibly saving hundreds of lives. He grabs a bag and jumps.</p>

<p>The Senator acting quickly, says not for himself but because he represents thousands of voters…he two must be saved…he grabs a bag puts it on and jumps.</p>

<p>The Priest turns to the boyscout and says…I am an old man, who has had a full life…and I am quite ready to meet my maker…you take the last parachute…</p>

<p>The Boyscout looks down and says,father we are both saved…the senator just stole my back pack.</p>

71

<p>This is so funny.</p>

72

<p>soccemom??? lol. I’m still in HS. I’m insulted! lol no offense to anyone who is a soccer mom. It’s just that once I saw a bumperstocker that said “soccer mom for Bush,” and I really had to wonder about that person…</p>

73

<p>A man is walking down the street and sees a cowboy standing behind a horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s tail, lifts it up and kisses the horse right in the rear end.
The man walks over to the cowboy and says, "Why did you that?
“Do what,” answers the cowboy.
“Lift the horse’s tail and kiss it smack dab in the rear end.”
“Oh that, I have chapped lips,” says the cowboy.
“You mean kissing a horse’s rear end cures chapped lips?” says the man.
The cowboy answers, “No, but it does keep me from licking my lips.”</p>

74

<p>A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, why the long face?”</p>

<p>A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says “What the heck is going on here?”. The duck says “I can’t get this guy off my rear.”</p>

<p>And one for your favorite school rival- How do you get a graduate of “State U” off your porch? Pay them for the pizza delivery.</p>

75

<p>15 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity For The Working Class</p>

<ol>
<li><p>At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point
A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. </p></li>
<li><p>Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice. </p></li>
<li><p>Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
with that. </p></li>
<li><p>Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.” </p></li>
<li><p>Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso. </p></li>
<li><p>Finish All Your Sentences With “In Accordance With The Prophecy.” </p></li>
<li><p>Don’t use Any Punctuation </p></li>
<li><p>Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer. </p></li>
<li><p>Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.” </p></li>
<li><p>Sing Along At The Opera. </p></li>
<li><p>Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme </p></li>
<li><p>Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their
Party because you’re not in the Mood. </p></li>
<li><p>When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won! I Won!” </p></li>
<li><p>When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot,
Yelling “Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!” </p></li>
<li><p>Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go.”</p></li>
</ol>

76

<p>The funniest part of this joke is that my mother, who often forgot parts of jokes and wanted to tell me this one before she forgot, had me called out of class when I was in high school (many moons ago).</p>

<p>In an area of China that had a lot of earthquakes, there was village with an unusal tradition. Whenever an earthquake left a chasm in the ground, all the villagers would throw their valuables into the chasm. Do you know what this is called?</p>

<p>Being generous to a fault.</p>

<p>Ellen (whose mother is still working on remembering joke punchlines)</p>

77

<p>mini, here is a joke my mother told me.
Whats the difference between an Irish wake, and an Irish wedding?</p>

<p>One less drunk.</p>

78

<p>Did you hear what came between George H.W. Bush and his son, George W. Bush?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.</p>

<p>.
.
.
.
.
.
Eight years of peace and economic prosperity</p>

79

<p>Here’s the joke going around Germany these days:</p>

<h2>Gerhardt Schroeder and Angela Merkel went out together in a boat. A terrible storm came up, and the boat sank. Who was saved?</h2>

<h2>-</h2>

<h2>-</h2>

<p>-
Germany.</p>

80

<p>The best joke I read in a very long time was provided by the title of this thread:</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=96153[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=96153&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;