<p>Xig, you can do better than that, I am sure…do you know any jokes who aren’t leaders of your party?</p>
<p>Cows & Politics Explained</p>
<p>A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.</p>
<p>A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.</p>
<p>AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?</p>
<p>AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.</p>
<p>A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.</p>
<p>A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.</p>
<p>DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.</p>
<p>CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.</p>
<p>BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.</p>
<p>AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.</p>
<p>A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.</p>
<p>A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.</p>
<p>A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.</p>
<p>A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd’s pie, please.</p>
<p>AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.</p>
<p>A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.</p>
<p>A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.</p>
<p>A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.</p>
<p>AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.</p>
<p>A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.</p>
<p>AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?</p>
<p>AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.</p>
<p>Pat and Mike are walking down the street and they notice a dog licking his private parts.</p>
<p>“I wish I could do that,” says Pat</p>
<p>“You might want to pet him first,” replies Mike.</p>
<p>Philosophy Meets Jerry Springer</p>
<p>THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW</p>
<p>Crowd: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!</p>
<p>Jerry: Today’s guests are here because they can’t agree on fundamental philosophical principles. I’d like to welcome Todd to the show.</p>
<p>Todd enters from backstage.</p>
<p>Jerry: Hello, Todd.</p>
<p>Todd: Hi, Jerry.</p>
<p>Jerry [reading from card]: So, Todd, you’re here to tell your girlfriend something. What is it?</p>
<p>Todd: Well, Jerry, my girlfriend Ursula and I have been going out for three years now. We did everything together. We were really inseparable. But then she discovered post-Marxist political and literary theory, and it’s been nothing but fighting ever since.</p>
<p>Jerry: Why is that?</p>
<p>Todd: You see, Jerry, I’m a traditional Cartesian rationalist. I believe that the individual self, the “I” or ego is the foundation of all metaphysics. She, on the other hand, believes that the contemporary self is a socially constructed, multi-faceted subjectivity reflecting the political and economic realities of late capitalist consumerist discourse.</p>
<p>Crowd: Ooooohhhh!</p>
<p>Todd: I know! I know! Is that infantile, or what?</p>
<p>Jerry: So what do you want to tell her today?</p>
<p>Todd: I want to tell her that unless she ditches the post-modernism, we’re through. I just can’t go on having a relationship with a woman who doesn’t believe I exist.</p>
<p>Jerry: Well, you’re going to get your chance. Here’s Ursula!</p>
<p>Ursula storms onstage and charges up to Todd.</p>
<p>Ursula: Patriarchal colonizer!</p>
<p>She slaps him viciously. Todd leaps up, but the security guys pull them apart before things can go any further.</p>
<p>Ursula: Don’t listen to him! Logic is a male hysteria! Rationality equals oppression and the silencing of marginalized voices!</p>
<p>Todd: The classical methodology of rational dialectic is our only road to truth! Don’t try to deny it!</p>
<p>Ursula: You and your dialectic! That’s how it’s been through our whole relationship, Jerry. Mindless repetition of the post-Enlightenment meta-narrative. “You have to start with radical doubt, Ursula.” “Post-structuralism is just classical sceptical thought re-cast in the language of semiotics, Ursula.”</p>
<p>Crowd: Booo! Booo!</p>
<p>Jerry: Well, Ursula, come on. Don’t you agree that the roots of contemporary neo-Leftism simply have to be sought in Enlightenment political philosophy?</p>
<p>Ursula: History is the discourse of powerful centrally located voices marginalizing and de-scribing the sub-altern!</p>
<p>Todd: See what I have to put up with? Do you know what it’s like living with someone who sees sex as a metaphoric demonstration of the anti-feminist violence implicit in the discourse of the dominant power structure? It’s terrible. She just lies there and thinks of Andrea Dworkin. That’s why we never do it any more.</p>
<p>Crowd: Wooooo!</p>
<p>Ursula: You liar! Why don’t you tell them how you haven’t been able to get it up for the past three months because you couldn’t decide if your ***** truly had essential Being, or was simply a manifestation of Mind?</p>
<p>Todd: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!</p>
<p>Ursula: It’s true!</p>
<p>Jerry: Well, I don’t think we’re going to solve this one right away. Our next guests are Louis and Tina. And Tina has a little confession to make!</p>
<p>Louis and Tina come onstage. Todd and Ursula continue bickering in the background.</p>
<p>Jerry: Tina, you are… [reads cards] … an existentialist, is that right?</p>
<p>Tina: That’s right, Jerry. And Louis is, too.</p>
<p>Jerry: And what did you want to tell Louis today?</p>
<p>Tina: Jerry, today I want to tell him…</p>
<p>Jerry: Talk to Louis. Talk to him.</p>
<p>Crowd hushes.</p>
<p>Tina: Louis… I’ve loved you for a long time…</p>
<p>Louis: I love you, too, Tina.</p>
<p>Tina: Louis, you know I agree with you that existence precedes essence, but…well, I just want to tell you I’ve been reading Nietzsche lately, and I don’t think I can agree with your egalitarian politics.</p>
<p>Crowd: Wooooo! Woooooo!</p>
<p>Louis [shocked and disbelieving]: Tina, this is crazy. You know that Sartre clarified all this way back in the 40’s.</p>
<p>Tina: But he didn’t take into account Nietzsche’s radical critique of democratic morality, Louis. I’m sorry. I can’t ignore the contradiction any longer!</p>
<p>Louis: You got these ideas from Victor, didn’t you? Didn’t you?</p>
<p>Tina: Don’t you bring up Victor! I only turned to him when I saw you were seeing that dominatrix! I needed a real man! An über-man!</p>
<p>Louis [sobbing]: I couldn’t help it. It was my burden of freedom. It was too much!</p>
<p>Jerry: We’ve got someone here who might have something to add. Bring out…Victor!</p>
<p>Victor enters. He walks up to Louis and sticks a finger in his face.</p>
<p>Victor: Louis, you’re a classic post-Christian intellectual. Weak to the core!</p>
<p>Louis [through tears]: You can kiss my Marxist ass, Reactionary Boy!</p>
<p>Victor: Herd animal!</p>
<p>Louis: Lackey!</p>
<p>Louis throws a chair at Victor; they lock horns and wrestle. The crowd goes wild. After a long struggle, the security guys pry them apart.</p>
<p>Jerry: Okay, okay. It’s time for questions from the audience. Go ahead, sir.</p>
<p>Audience Member: Okay, this is for Tina. Tina, I just wanna know how you can call yourself an existentialist, and still agree with Nietzsche’s doctrine of the übermensch. Doesn’t that imply a belief in intrinsic essences that is in direct contradiction with with the fundamental principles of existentialism?</p>
<p>Tina: No! No! It doesn’t. We can be equal in potential, without being equal in eventual personal quality. It’s a question of Becoming, not Being.</p>
<p>Audience Member: That’s just disguised essentialism! You’re no existentialist!</p>
<p>Tina: I am so!</p>
<p>Audience Member: You’re no existentialist!</p>
<p>Tina: I am so an existentialist, *****!</p>
<p>Ursula stands and interjects.</p>
<p>Ursula: What does it [bleep] matter? Existentialism is just a cover for late capitalist anti-feminism! Look at how Sartre treated Simone de Beauvoir!</p>
<p>Women in the crowd cheer and stomp.</p>
<p>Tina: [Bleep] you! Fat-ass Foucaultian ho!</p>
<p>Ursula: You only wish you were smart enough to understand Foucault, *****!</p>
<p>Tina: You the *****!</p>
<p>Ursula: No, you the *****!</p>
<p>Tina: Whatever! Whatever!</p>
<p>Jerry: We’ll be right back with a final thought! Stay with us!</p>
<p>Commercial break for debt-consolidation loans, ITT Technical Institute, and Psychic Alliance Hotline.</p>
<p>Jerry: Hi! Welcome back. I just want to thank all our guests for being here,and say that I hope you’re able to work through your differences and find happiness, if indeed happiness can be extracted from the dismal miasma of warring primal hormonal impulses we call human relationship.</p>
<p>He turns to the camera</p>
<p>Well, we all think philosophy is just fun and games. Semiotics, deconstruction, Lacanian post-Freudian psychoanalysis, it all seems like good, clean fun. But when the heart gets involved, all our painfully acquired metaphysical insights go right out the window, and we’re reduced to battling it out like rutting chimpanzees. It’s not pretty. If you’re in a relationship, and differences over the fundamental principles of your respective subjectivities are making things difficult, maybe it’s time to move on. Find someone new, someone who will accept you and the way your laughably limited human intelligence chooses to codify and rationalize the chaos of existence. After all, in the absence of a clear, unquestionable revelation from God, that’s all we’re all doing anyway. So remember: take care of yourselves – and each other.</p>
<p>Announcer: Be sure to tune in next time, when KKK strippers battle it out with transvestite omnisexual porn stars! Tomorrow on Springer.</p>
<p>What has twelve legs and twelve teeth?</p>
<p>The Guests on the Jerry Springer show.</p>
<p>Mr. B, you have to have a sense of humor in a thread asking for jokes. At one time, your two threads were next to each other … a fact that made th link easier. </p>
<p>PS FWIW, I now agree that Gore has President would not be much of a joke, a tragi-comedy would be more appropriate.</p>
<p>A duck walks into a bar and says, “Quack, do you got any fish?”
The Bartender says “no,” </p>
<p>The next day the duck walks into a bar and says, “Quack, do you got any fish?”
The Bartender says “no,” and the duck walks out.</p>
<p>On the third day, when the duck walks into a bar and says, “Quack, do you got any fish?”
The Bartender says “NO!, and if you ask me again I’ll nail your bill to this bar!”</p>
<p>The next day the Duck walks into the bar and asks, “Do you have any nails?”
“NO!” Shouts the Bartender.
“Got any fish?”</p>
<p>xiggi, this post is to lighten up with, you must have a favorite joke.</p>
<p>Surely someone has said something funny to you like:
Insults -
Just because your head is shaped like a light bulb doesn’t mean you are bright.
or
Your teeth are like stars…they come out at night.
Jokes -
why are blond jokes so short?
So brunettes can remember them!</p>
<p>Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac dysletic…he stayed up all night trying to prove there wasn’t a dog. </p>
<p>or puns</p>
<p>The farmer who was outstanding in his field!</p>
<p>Insults are the lowest form of humor…besides my dad made me promise not to get into a battle of wits with someone who is obviously disarmed.</p>
<p><a href=“http://venganza.org/index.htm[/url]”>http://venganza.org/index.htm</a></p>
<p>come on be brave and check it out!!!</p>
<p>I like jokes and puns and really tacky stuff-</p>
<p>Why did the chicken cross the road? He was running from Jessica Simpson carying a fishing rod</p>
<p>Mr. B, I actually saw a guy tell that duck joke at a joke contest. Except it was grapes and the threat was baseball bat decapitation.</p>
<p>Two condoms walk past a gay bar; one says to the other, “Hey wanna get ****-faced?”</p>
<p>Three blonds come across a set of tracks near a forest. One says, “These are deer tracks! Cool!”
The second one says, “No you idiot, those are bear tracks!”
The third one argues, “These are clearly rabbit tracks!”</p>
<p>They were still arguing when the train hit them.</p>
<p>I guy is shopping at a mega store and sees a full wheel of cheese for sale, only $10 bucks…quite a deal so he buys it and can’t fit it in his car; he ends up putting it in his trunk with the lid propped open. On his way out of the parking lot as he goes over a speed bump…the wheel falls out and rolls way down the hill until it goes into a spiral and eventually stops right at the base of Eddies truck.</p>
<p>Eddie had just left the same store with a huge sack of macaroni…he sees the cheese with no owner…puts it in his truck and calls home telling his wife to invite all their friends and neighbors over for a macaroni and cheese picnic.</p>
<p>After they have all eaten, his wife asks him what kind of cheese was that. “Its Natcho cheese.” replies Eddy.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, there was a guy driving along side of me in a little car yelling…that natcho cheese,” all the way from the store parking lot to the thruway.</p>
<p>Haha I LOVE that Jerry Springer one nspeds!!</p>
<p>Going around now (hope it hasn’t been posted yet):</p>
<p>Q. What does George W. Bush think of Roe vs Wade?</p>
<p>A. He doesn’t care how people get out of New Orleans.</p>
<p>I recieved this in an email, I think it was on another post.</p>
<p>President Bush is having his morning briefing and one of the Pentagon staff mentions that Three Brazillian soldiers were killed in Iraq over night.</p>
<p>Bush looks startled, and his reaction causes alarm around the table. He puts his hands in his head and after a moment looks up red eyed and asks, “Exactly how many is a brazillion?”</p>
<p>“No, no, nurse! I said to prick his boil.”</p>
<p>Top Ten George W. Bush Solutions For Global Warming</p>
<ol>
<li><p>NASA mission to turn down the sun’s thermostat</p></li>
<li><p>Federal subsidies to boost production of Cool Ranch Doritos</p></li>
<li><p>Fast track Rumsfeld’s “Colonize Neptune” proposal</p></li>
<li><p>Convene blue-ribbon committee to explore innovative ways of ignoring the problem</p></li>
<li><p>Let Hillary worry about it when she takes over</p></li>
<li><p>I dunno—tax cuts for the rich?</p></li>
<li><p>Give the boys at Halliburton 90-billion dollar contract to patch hole in ozone</p></li>
<li><p>Switch to celsius so scorching 98 becomes frosty 37</p></li>
<li><p>Keep plenty of Bud on ice</p></li>
<li><p>Invade Antarctica</p></li>
</ol>
<p>There are only three types of people in this world–
those who can do math and those who cant.</p>
<p>Bush thinks that because it’s called the Oval Office he can’t be cornered.</p>
<p>A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s
birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present. He drove to the shopping
center and ran to the toy shop and he asked the manager. </p>
<p>“How much is that new Barbie in the window?” </p>
<p>The Manager replied:
“Which one? We have:
‘Barbie goes to the gym’ for $19.95,
‘Barbie goes to the Ball’ for $19.95,
‘Barbie goes shopping’ for $19.95
‘Barbie goes to the beach’ for $19.95,
‘Barbie goes to the Nightclub’ for $19.95 and
‘Divorced Barbie’ for $375.00.” </p>
<p>“Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?” the
dad asked. </p>
<p>"‘Divorced Barbie’ comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s House, Ken’s
boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat and Ken’s furniture…</p>
<p>A thirty-something woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in
the bar of a highly-regarded restaurant. They talk, they connect, and
they end up leaving together.</p>
<p>They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around she notices
that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy
bears. Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of
the little buggers… carefully placed in rows covering the entire
wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly
arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought
he had put into organizing this very un-macho display. There were small
bears all along the bottom shelf; medium-sized bears covering the
entire length of the middle shelf; and huge, enormous bears running all
the way along the top shelf. Quite the display! She thought, this guy
has a real sensitive nature, maybe he’s the one!</p>
<p>She turns to him. They kiss slowly… and then they rip each other’s
clothes off and make hot, steamy love. After an intense, explosive
night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy, lying there
together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling
sweetly. She strokes his chest and asks coyly, “So? How was it?”</p>
<p>The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf!</p>