<p>Oldmama,
I think it is really intriguing that heartbreak is what initiated your first post! Welcome…unless you have another name for other posts? </p>
<p>I went “steady” for 4 yrs in HS…into freshman year of college… we broke up right around now too of freshman year…I always felt that we had taken the relationship as far as it could go given our age and distance and experiences…I was living in a coed dorm and my BF was at the Citadel…very, very different… anyway, the best advice I ever received about a breakup was to start a new exercise program. This came from my dad…and Ariesathenia infers it also when she mentions beginning a new routine and keeping busy. I started running when I lost a love…and it did help me feel better… more energy went towards the physical and less left for the emotional I think… maybe send her a new pair of sneakers? </p>
<p>My favorite saying is “tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” … could be fun to speculate with her on what her next boyfriend and or relationship will be like…based on what she has learned with this one? </p>
<p>Another potentially big distraction is that the Olympics start on Friday nite…so there will always be something she can do when feeling blue. Nothing like watching folks bust their tushies to win a gold medal… channel all her “feelings” into action and she will feel better soon… </p>
<p>A new soft sleeping shirt or a new pillow…really soft blanket or great flannel pants…go for comfort things…I also am always a big fan of a great book…Trinity by Leon Uris is a great read… you want a little romance, but also a story about big issues? hope some of my late nite ramblings are helpful…</p>
<p>Oldmama,
My son, freshman, also had a breakup this year. Even though it was somewhat mutual—the distance thing had them bickering and fussing constantly—it was and still is pretty rough on him. It really bothered him as he took it almost as a failure since his older brother dated a girl through high school and college (went to different schools) and recently got married to this high school sweetheart. I’ve noticed that the kids today in many ways seem to want a permanent relationship much younger than we did (or is it me?). I’ve even seen on my D’s facebook page that students will list under “relationship” married, when they just mean dating one person. When you have made that kind of emotional investment, break-ups are going to be tough. My D dated a guy for 4+ years, until her soph. year in college, when she realized that there was more to life out there and called it off. He did become somewhat of a stalker and was a little scary for a while, but things cooled off and both are better off now for the break up.</p>
<p>mainparent - Ironically, I have been following these boards for quite awhile. Everything I ever needed to know could always be found in existing posts. Go figure that something as common as this was not addressed yet - at least where I could find it!</p>
<p>I am happy to report that DD seems to have progressed from the depression phase to the anger phase. Not serious anger, but anger at being “discarded” so easily. I consider this a positive step. All of your suggestions, comments, commiserating are much appreciated. We all know this is an inevitable part of growing up, but I’m sure we all remember how painful it is when it happens. BTW, I like her “ex” but I am not hurting because I miss him. I simply hurt because she hurts.</p>
<p>so sorry to hear about your DD. Definately send comfort stuff – (too bad Rocky Road Ice Cream is not shippable! I love the idea of sending flowers on V day to her!</p>
<p>Maybe this thread should serve as a “wake up” call to us parents to perhaps have a casual talk with our kids about the proper way to end a long term relationship with the opposite sex – certainly not with a “text message” (Text messaging is too new to have been included in the song “50 Ways to Leave your Lover” Remember that song? “Slip out the back, Jack…” A list of 50 bad ways to break up) Anyways, since the method can have a lot of impact on the pain and “fall out”, it is important that kids know how to maturely “break up”.</p>
<p>Oldmama- my daughter also just broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years last week. She lives 3000 miles across the country. It doesn’t matter that she is 24 (and he 30), she is probably going through the same emotions as your college age daughter. I am also hurt because she is hurt. She refuses to talk about it at all and whenever I even remotely say something associated with him, she wants to hang the phone up.</p>
<p>I’ve decided to pay her a visit in two weeks, I bought my plane ticket last night and I asked her today via IM if I could come for a visit so we could go shopping, dining out etc. After a long while, she finally said “you can come if you want.”</p>
<p>I’m giving her some space to grieve, get angry etc. so when I go visit, perhaps she will want to talk. However, given her personality, I doubt she will reveal too much. I have already emailed her with some activities she can look into to fill in the huge chunks of time she used to spend with him.</p>
<p>Not to make light of Oldmama’s D’s situation, but I find it interesting that this generation of guys seemingly still stick to the old rule that if you are going to break up, break up at least two weeks before Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Sweetest Day, Birthday, or whatever day is coming up…</p>
<p>Guys can be such heartless jerks, myself (many years ago) included.</p>
<p>Time heals all wounds (although some take longer than others). As my favorite performer sings: “Someday we’ll look back on this and it will all seem funny”.</p>
<p>Well, as a woman who has broken up on/near holidays, I would like to report that women can do it, too. (Of course, in my own defense, the guy I dumped on X-mas eve had told me the day prior that he was sleeping with his, ahem, ex-fiancee while dating me.) Well, maybe guys do jerk things around that time - “what she going to do? Dump me on Christmas?” ;)</p>
<p>I second the Sex and the City suggestion. Hard to look at it and think that you need to get married immediately: Charlotte got married young, left her job for her husband and so she could have a baby, then ended up divorced. C’mon, hard to see the “get hitched now” mentality there!</p>
<p>Girl movies are great. Legally Blonde is my favourite (of course). Also, try sending a copy of “In Her Shoes” (the book), which is fantastic. </p>
<p>Completely sympathize with the fact that she feels “disposable” - wondering how the guy can just leave her that easily. In some ways, men really tend to hide their dissatisfaction with relationships until they are ready to get out of them, so it’s always out of the blue. Then, feeling uncomfortable with what they are doing, men tend to dump rather abruptly. Bad news all around!</p>
<p>So sad…my D and her BF also broke up 3 weeks ago. We absolutely loved and adored him, as his parents loved and adored her. But they were at the point where the relationship needed to move to a higher level, or break off. They are still friends and still spend the night together, so it;s a bit of a soft break. I guess we all hope they get back together…but only time will tell. I am grateful for the time they were together, it was the best relationship she ever had. BTW, did you see the article about January breakups in the newspaper? I think I can post it here: <a href=“http://www.ncnewsonline.com/opinion/local_story_013060135.html[/url]”>http://www.ncnewsonline.com/opinion/local_story_013060135.html</a></p>
<p>I have visited her and sent care packages. She is immensely thankful for the support, something she would not have appreciated several years ago. And we are talking about her summer options - maybe spending a summer away would be really healthy. </p>
<p>I sympathize with anyone going through this. So hard when you lose a “family” member.</p>
<p>UMdad- my daughter’s BF unwittingly broke up with her two days before his own BD. My daughter has this consolation “It saved me a couple hundred bucks.”</p>
<p>You cant always plan your break up’s around dates… Once you have made your mind up i think it may be more mean to pretend through valentines day and then break up a week later. </p>
<p>Sorry to hear about your daughter, break up’s are tough. I have not sufferd heart break thank goodness but i have gone through break up’s and my best advice is to have a pity party for a week then hit the town and keep yourself busy! maybe you could get her concert tickets or things like that to keep her mind off it all :)</p>
<p>Of course one of the best remedies is for her girlfriends to get her involved in social situations where she’ll be the recipient of admiration from other men. I’m not suggesting a “rebound” relationship, just some “feel good” situations that will make her feel better about herself. One of the biggest problems after “heartbreak” from a surprise break-up is that one feels “undesirable”. Getting some healthy male attention from others will help make her feel “desirable” again. She should do this even if she is “holding out hope” that they will get back to gether at some point.</p>
<p>On the bright side, it’s actually great to see that so many of your HS and college aged children still do have long term and meaningful relationships. From everything I have been reading and hearing, it sometimes seems that having an actual gf or bf is hopelessly old-fashioned and that casual hookups are the only thing going on out there today. I’m glad to know that’s not the case!</p>
<p>In your Ds case, if the end of the relationship was inevitable then the long distance can be a plus - it’s a cleaner break. Sometimes when a breakup is dragged out, similar to AnyMom’s description, things get very messed up. Believe me …</p>
<p>I am not a fan of dragging out a break up either. But that doesn’t mean that a long-term relationship should end by text message or some other disrespectful way. You meet with the person, sit them down and gently point out how the relationship isn’t working for either party. You give the person the opportunity to speak, ask a few questions, etc. </p>
<p>This idea of breaking up by text message or email reminds me of the wife that learns that her husband is divorcing her when the papers are served to her at work (this happened to a friend of mine).</p>
<p>jlauer - whoops, sorry, I was referring to OP. I agree with all your suggestions, although long distance could make the sit down part impractical!</p>
<p>talk about ironic…i visited my D this past weekend. As we were hanging out in the hotel room, Sex in the City came on…it was the episode where Carrie was dumped via a post-it note! We laughed so hard. Laughter is definitely the best medicine. Thank you all for your thoughts. My D is upset, but dealing. She’s keeping busy and doing a lot of philosophizing. I know she will survive. I feel much better knowing that she has stopped crying. I know she appreciated my visit. It was definitely one of those moments where you start seeing your child not as a child, but as an adult.</p>
<p>oldmama: Glad to hear about your visit! Some good ol’ girl time is what was needed!! Best wishes to her (and you). I hope she knows that she has moms (and dads) across the US thinking of her and hoping for the best for her :)</p>
I love the idea of sending flowers on V day to her!</p>
(Of course, in my own defense, the guy I dumped on X-mas eve had told me the day prior that he was sleeping with his, ahem, ex-fiancee while dating me.) Well, maybe guys do jerk things around that time - “what she going to do? Dump me on Christmas?” ;)</p>