<p>Realistically, I know there is not a whole lot I can do but I am open to any suggestions. My daughter’s long time boyfriend just broke up with her. They were together throughout HS, but the miles finally came between them now that they are into their freshman years. She is depressed, distressed, completely miserable…and too far away from home to go see her. Perfect timing…right before the dreaded Valentines Day. OK CCers, I’m calling for advice. Help ease the pain I feel for her as I try to help her long-distance.</p>
<p>oldmama, as a mom of four Ds, I have unfortunately been through this situation more times than I like to remember. I’d recommend visiting her if it’s at all possible, even if it’s just for a day or two, or arrange to bring her home for a weekend. I know that with my girls, they always wanted to be with their sisters and me when this happened, and talking face to face, and being able to comfort them, with words, favorite foods, and numerous shoulders to cry on, helped.</p>
<p>If that’s absolutely impossible, and you can’t take a day or two to fly to her, then try to be available to her by phone whenever she needs to talk. Or chat on the computer if that’s easier. Maybe send a ‘care’ package with some of her favorite things in it. If she has close friends at school, encourage her to speak to one of them about this when she’s ready. Having someone to talk to is, in most cases, key to getting through it. Sometimes they don’t want to talk much about it initially but eventually, they will have the need.</p>
<p>It’s so difficult when you can’t ‘fix’ the problem, as a mom. Having a relationship end is always hard and being a good listener is the most important role you can play. The vast majority of h/s relationships don’t make it through first year of college so lots of kids (and moms) have been through this. Just don’t say too many negative things about the b/f (even if it’s tempting!) because if they do end up getting back together, it could then be a problem. Best of luck to you.</p>
<p>I’d actually take a somewhat opposite approach. when my boyfriend of 9months broke up with me in may (I was at school working for the summer), my parents didn’t offer to visit or anything. I knew that they were always available if I needed to call and talk, and my mom sent chocolate chip cookies, but both me and my parents were very careful about using my parents as a crutch to get through. I talked about flying home, but realized that I would feel better about the situation later on if I managed to be self sufficient. Encourage your daughter to spend lots of time with close friends, and to let herself grieve over the lost relationship, but be careful not to imply in any way that she can’t handle it on her own.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for your d’s situation, it sounds really rough. best of luck :)</p>
<p>Yeah just give her comfort food until she stops crying. Pizza, popcorn, tuna, ice cream, whatever it takes.</p>
<p>oldmama, I’m so sorry for your daughter! We haven’t gone through anything like that, but I’m going to save all the good advice I’ve read so far.</p>
<p>oldmama, I was upset when my daughter and her boyfriend broke up a few years ago. I think the best thing though, is for you to know that this is her pain to get through and all you can really do is to be available to listen IF she wants to talk. Sending a box of comfort food and a note are as far as I would go. This is one of those things that she will have to get through herself and it will make her stronger.</p>
<p>S just went through this too, and it brought me back to times when I was younger ( and usually on the other side of the fence 
). Ultimately, but not yet, it might help her to know that the break up probably had more to do with the boyfriend’s stage of life than anything to do with her.</p>
<p>This is probably one of those times when it is better to assume more of the role of a friend rather than of the stereotypical parent. Saying things like " there’s lots of fish in the sea" and “you were too young for a long term commitment anyway” and other well meaning parental advice probably won’t resonate right now (it may later on). This is one of those times when it’s probably a better idea to convey “This must be a tough time for you.” </p>
<p>Of course, a lot depends on how depressed you feel your daughter really is, and you are the best one to know her history and the likelihood of this becoming any kind of real problem. Campus counseling may be a good suggestion if this is the case. If not, I tend to agree with EconMajor08 about the value of learning to deal with obstacles and disappointments - this is also a part of what the college years are all about. I know that doesnt make it any easier, though! Good luck!</p>
<p>Just something to consider:</p>
<p>My mom’s always given me little presents on Valentine’s Day (in our family, it’s a celebration of love rather than romance), and this year she sent flowers. I’ve always liked and appreciated the presents, but a reminder that someone loves you and is thinking of you is even nicer to recieve when it seems like you’re the only girl without a boyfriend (or if a boyfriend just broke up with you). </p>
<p>Make sure she knows you’re available- and maybe send a care package now and some flowers for Valentine’s Day. I hope it starts to sting a little less very soon.</p>
<p>Oh, I know it is HER pain to get through, but when she is hurting, I hurt. One of the many joys of motherhood…lol. It’s just so hard to determine the extent of her misery via phone and IM conversations. She is emotional in the best of situations. I’ve already put together a Valentine pkg. I’m considering taking a visit myself - but leaving the decision on that up to her. Thanks all for your suggestions. As a mom, I know this goes on millions of times and in all likelihood will happen to her again. I can hold my tongue on all of the classic mom reponses. College has not been an easy transition and this is just adding to the difficulty. :(</p>
<p>What is sad is that because of technology, kids expect relationships to be able to last and thrive, when any long distance relationship is tough, especially when so many other circumstances are involved = both parties moving, college starting etc. So the expectation are higher, and thus it it doesn’t work out, its a harder crash</p>
<p>Your daughter needs to focus that it was the circumstances more than the two people involved, and try, and I know its tough, to think about that</p>
<p>My D had a friend with a BF who she stuck through thick and thin, well, said boy broke up via text message during school</p>
<p>What she needs to have is some pratical tools- tricks to get through each day</p>
<p>Such as, everytime she thinks about him, snap a rubber band on her wrist or do jumping jacks, talk about it, but have her tell her girlfriends to remind her how great she is, I mean, say, hey, Friends, if I get to focused on whats his face, call me on it</p>
<p>Send her the DVDs of Sex in the City- humor and other women for support can get her through the roughest times</p>
<p>Don’t let every conversation focus on the break up, try and stear some conversations to something different</p>
<p>Sometimes, even if he was the greatest guy, its okay to say he was a jerk for treating your baby badly and just before Valentines Day</p>
<p>She will be fine, and right now, its gotta be tough not to hug her, but send her chocolate and cookies and slippers and clothes, that always works with me and my Ds</p>
<p>oldmama,
of course you feel her pain and I know just how you feel. You know that line, “You’re only as happy as your most unhappy child?” It’s really true. When my daughter and her boyfriend broke up I cried and then she ended up comforting me! How’s that for silly? Fortunately, I realized it while I was in the middle of my angst and stopped to comfort her. It did take her awhile to recover but she and her ex somehow maintained their friendship and it really did work out, just took some time. Part of the road to recovery was, like your daughter, they did not go to college near each other and with some space to re-coup and no daily reminders (the place where they hung out, friends that were their couple friends, etc.) both were able to move on. BTW, love all these great suggestions, especially citygirlsmom.</p>
<p>It’s great to have sympathetic ears out there! I agree 100% with you about how today’s generation has different expectations due to the technology available. There is a lot to be said for snail mail and intermittent telephone conversations which were the norm back when we were in college. Ouch…breaking up by text msg…cruel. I like the Sex in the City idea.</p>
<p>Moms always hurt when their kids are hurting and you can’t fix it. You know, logically, however, that she will get over this and while it hurts now, it is one of these life’s obstacles and growing experiences. That just doesn’t help the immediate angst, but you’ll know that in your mind. Right now, you can just be there for her. Check in via phone and listen if she brings it up. Maybe you two might IM. You can interject at some point that the fact that it was long distance likely was a contributing factor and that they were in new stages of their lives, and as much as it hurts, this commonly happens, and is not so much a reflection on her but simply the situation. Things will get better, assure her but for now, it is OK to feel the pain. Check in that she is doing things with friends and not removing herself entirely. I hope she has some girlfriends at college now to also lend support. The sending of flowers is also a nice idea (the Sex in the City tapes is even a cool one). Otherwise, I wouldn’t dwell on it so much but be there to check in and if she brings it up, commisserate or listen. She will get over this but these things are tough. It’s hard for you as a mom but keep in mind this is a growing experience for her and VERY common. Nobody wants their child to suffer in any way but it is all part of their growing up and in many ways, positive things can come out of this, even if she doesn’t see that now. You’ll know that. I know it is a feeling as a mom of being helpless…how to help or fix it…particularly from afar. You can’t fix it but even though your D is in college, she may choose to turn to you to call and talk more than normal. What you can simply do is be there for her…and she may contact you for that support and to have someone to talk to in her time of need. I don’t want to stray from your topic, but my own freshman daughter, in the past 36 hours had to deal with a traumatic and tragic event and while I lament that she doesn’t call me often enough, I spoke to her about four times by phone briefly, and she IM’d me twice to “talk” about this and for her, that is a LOT. Even when she called me right away when it happened, she was calling as I knew she just had to tell someone close to her. That is what you are there for. It feels helpless to be far away and all but I think the support on the phone or online is there and they will turn to you in a time of need and to help them process it and be there for listening support. </p>
<p>Susan</p>
<p>My kids always seemed to take some comfort in doing family things and enjoying peer friendships that may have languished during the “bf/gf process”.</p>
<p>Wow… sorry to hear about your D!</p>
<p>As a twenty-something who has been dumped in every variety of horrible manner, I can relate. Some suggestions from my own life:</p>
<p>*After being dumped for not putting out, my best friend spent a half hour quoting Bridget Jones’ Diary (the book) at me. “How dare you be so fraudulently flirtatious, cowardly, and dsyfunctional! I am not intereted in emotional f—wittage!” and “And then men won’t get any women or any sex until men stop cluttering up the sea-bed of women with their ___, smug, self-indulgent behaviour!” She at least got me laughing - sad, but laughing. I highly recommend this approach.</p>
<p>*Care packages are great. Chocolate, cookies, etc - just a reminder that she’s loved (even if the guy is too dense to realize how great she is).</p>
<p>*It’s hard to be in an intense relationship and then start anew - so much of your daily routine is built around someone. Encourage her to go out with her friends - tell her that she cannot turn down a social invitation unless she absolutely has to study. Getting busy or into another routine will help immensely.</p>
<p>*Not my story, but the story of a close friend: about four years ago, her boyfriend of a few years broke up with her. She was an absolute wreck. When I saw her recently, she said that she wished she knew then what she knows now - after graduating and traveling abroad, she’s met a phenomenal guy and now thinks the ex is a complete loser. </p>
<p>Those who have been in long-term relationships seem to have an easy time getting into other good, healthy, long-term relationships. </p>
<p>Make her laugh, send chocolate and flowers, encourage her to host an anti-V-day party with her girlfriends, and let her know that she will look back on this someday and wonder what she was ever upset about.</p>
<p>Hi – My heart goes out to your daughter. It might help her to know that almost everyone experiences this to one degree or another. And it will probably make her a more sensitive, empathetic person, but that won’t be much comfort now. </p>
<p>Not sure I’d recommend the Sex and the City tapes. Our “kids” interpret those differently than we do. My D has concluded from watching them that she had better find a life-mate in college, because look what happens to women who don’t.</p>
<p>Bigger picture-I am distressed at the young age at which kids (even one of my own) develop serious relationships - - and how parents often buy into these, taking BF or GF along on vacations, permitting the couple to go off camping, etc. Some research shows changes in the developing brain caused by these early liaisons . . . I guess none of us know how that will play out. Methinks it’s better for the parent to be a skeptic . . . perhaps collecting less blame when it all falls apart.</p>
<p>OHHHH- I’m so sad for your daughter (and you). I have an emotional daughter, and I live in fear of her going through this. High school was bad enough! She just broke up with her boyfriend of almost 2 years, and my husband and I were both so sad. However, they are still friends and we will still get to see him when we visit her at college. She already has a new boyfriend and seems to be quite attached to him. He is a little older (a med student in Houston) and I worry about a break-up.<br>
Be there for your daughter. It is SO hard when you are far away. Be glad that she confides in you and allows you to support her. My son (Wild Child) denies the existence of his girlfriends and we are not even permitted to meet them!</p>
<p>The Sex and the City tapes are just to show nobody does it right,not even 30 somethings, that everyone messes up and that, even if you think you “get” someone, you don’t and you may be pushing a relationship that ain’t worth it and may miss a great guy cause you have the wrong expectations, thats how my girls and I see the shows</p>
<p>That even you do everything the guy wants, if you are not your true self, you get lost</p>
<p>there is more to the show then the sex stuff, its the relationships the women have with each other and that no matter what, they are there for each other and always will be, that what you get from the shows</p>
<p>Get her “My Boyfriend’s Back”… A book about the many former HS sweethearts that got back together years later. And tell her not to become a stalker. I broke-up with my HS sweetheart and got back about 35 years later. It happens more than many know.</p>
<p>as painful as it is, everyone benefits from this type of heartbreak. it isn’t easy, it isn’t painless, but it is all part of growing up. time heals all wounds…and that old, worn out saying still holds true today.</p>
<p>i have never bought into the concept of befriending my sons’ girlfriends. i like them and i’m friendly, but i too hate to see parents include bfs and gfs in family vacations. it makes that inevitable break up seem so much worse when it happens. </p>
<p>my son recently broke up with his first girlfriend. i have to admit, i felt bad for both of them. it’s a painful experience, but i think he learned a lot about relationships, too. </p>
<p>she won’t like to hear it now, but remind her that the sun will still come up tomorrow and every day WILL get better and better.</p>