There’s always a lot of talk on CC about helicopter parenting-what it is, how damaging it is, you all know what I’m talking about.
I tend to put myself in the “reformed helicopter parent” group, but a recent comment by Shonda Rhimes, the very powerful, very talented writer/director/producer of shows like Gray’s Anatomy and Scandal, had me reconsidering what it means to be a protective parent.
The quote, (from this week’s Entertainment Weekly): "My parents created a world in which the only barrier to your success is your own imagiantion. So that when I encountered something that felt like racism-like my high school guidance counselor saying to me “Honey, I don’t think you were made for Ivy League schools”-I called my mom at work and said, “Mom, this lady says I’m ot made for Ivy League schools.”
And my mother said, “Hold on, I’ll be there in five minutes.” My mom drove up to the school, walked into the guidance counselor’s office, came out, and said “Everything’s fine now.” My parents were Gladiators."
So, what’s the difference between a parent who’s a gladiator, and a helicopter parent? How does one type potentially raise a strong child, and the other create a weak one?
Fine line. I think teaching your kid when the battle is worth fighting is key. Teaching your child to fight the battle on their own is important. But sometimes (often?) the deck is stacked against the student in a teacher/student interaction and parental involvement is needed.
I think it is a lot like knowing when you should handle a dispute on your own, when you should get legal advice and when to have a lawyer represent you.
The difference to me is that gladiator momma doesn’t sweat the small stuff. The kid can figure out how to use his own locker or choose lunch or do his homework.
But if you violate my kid’s right to a free and appropriate education, or single him out? Feeding you to the lions!
I believe in letting my children fight their own battles until such time or circumstance that it becomes a David and Goliath situation. The few times I had to intervene it involved a teacher or a coach. Let’s face it, it is tough for any child or even high schooler to take on a teacher or coach - I insist my children make the first few attempts at resolving a situation, but if that fails I will get involved if I believe my child has a legitimate gripe.
With young children especially, I think it is very important to make sure they get positive messages from the adults in their lives. Authority figures have a lot of power in children’s minds. Doesn’t mean they are immune from being criticized when they are wrong, but I am not up for anyone bullying my child - especially another adult.
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such time or circumstance that it becomes a David and Goliath situation. The few times I had to intervene it involved a teacher or a coach. Let’s face it, it is tough for any child or even high schooler to take on a teacher or coach -
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Right…because sometimes they have a “my house, my rules” attitude …even tho their rules conflict with school policy or even just common fairness/common sense.
gettingschooled explains it well, I think. As the parent of a minority student that did occasionally run into people like Sondra’s GC, H and I had to be gladiators at times. The small stuff is what we’ve always taught our D to handle herself, and she does. But sometimes you need to step in, and we have.
And sometimes there are just inherent imbalances built into the system. My kids attended a private day school from PK-8th and almost every teacher had their own children enrolled in the school. They received huge tuition discounts so it made a lot of sense. But it created problems. If their child found themselves in conflict with another child, the teacher’s child always seems to come out of it ahead. Teachers stuck together and covered other teacher’s kid’s backs.
All parents had their eye on that one and rarely let the child handle that situation without parental intervention.
There is always a time and place to step in. The difference between helicopters and gladiators is where they draw the line and what their intentions are. Helicopters tend to want things BETTER for their kid than other kids. They want exceptions. Gladiators would look more for fairness and equality in growth opportunities. Their kid doesn’t have to have advantage over peers and often, their efforts result in benefits for a variety of other children.
I want exceptions for my kids. But my kids are outside of the norms. The school often wants the path of least resistance (i.e. treat all kids the same, don’t accelerate kids or deviate much from average situations). Label me a helicopter parent or a gladiator - I don’t care… much :). But yeah, I’m gonna stick up for my kids, and try, within reason, to get an education that’s right for them (and this includes stuff outside of the school/classroom, too…)
Exactly. Shonda’s mother was making sure that no one would create an artificial barrier to what her daughter could achieve. She wasn’t begging, pleading, hovering, nagging, pressuring to make that achievement happen.
And Shonda did go to an Ivy: Dartmouth '91. And she was an English major. ^:)^
I consider myself a total helicopter parent, and sometimes a gladiator parent. But my perception differs from turtletime’s. I don’t want exceptions for my kids. I want guarantees of safety and the greatest possible reduction of any and all risk. I would like those things for every other kid, too, though!
I have only stepped in for my kids a couple of times after they started high school and in both cases I think it was legitimate. The first was when my D did what I know to have been a good project. She failed and took a huge hit in the grade in a major subject in junior year. I didn’t assume the teacher was the problem, but asked my D to speak with her. She wouldn’t even discuss with constructive criticism. I felt that was inappropriate and disrespectful. I went to the school to explain that my D needed to learn from her mistakes and I wasn’t asking for a grade change, but that I expected respectful communication to facilitate learning. turned out that the teacher was new to the school and didn’t know which brunette girl was which and gave a handful of girls the wrong grade. I don’t find that acceptable.
The second time was a straight up health issue where my D was in the hospital. Otherwise, they know what they need to do, they are responsible to do it, if they have questions, first ask the teacher. If something absolutely can’t be resolved and it truly isn’t a matter of my kid not doing what they know they are supposed to, then I will intervene. But if at any point in the process I find that my kid did the wrong thing, I’m tougher on them than the teachers are.
@MWDadOf3 Equality doesn’t mean that everyone has exactly the same tools. Every child deserves a positive learning environment that allows them to grow and mature. Parents with special needs children have every right to fight for a proper environment because their children will not grow in the same manner as developmentally on-target children in a typical environment. It’s the same for kids on the other end of the spectrum. Exceptions and accommodations are very different things.
MotherofDragons, your anecdote reminded me of something that happened when I was in HS. This was the late 60’s, before helicopter parents existed. The GC told me that I wasn’t college material and I should go to secretarial school. I was a NMSF and recruited by many colleges, and I ended up with a Ph.D. in physics. So clearly she was wrong.
One of the nuns called my parents and asked them to come in for a conference - at the convent, not the school. She told them about the GC’s attitude (of course I hadn’t told them, back then kids were much less likely to go to their parents with complaints about teachers) and said that they had to do something. My parents became gladiators. I don’t know what they said to the GC, but her attitude changed.
There is a facebook group now for my HS. Quite a few people had awful stories about that GC, some much worse than mine.
I don’t communicate with teachers since my son entered HS, except for side issues like asking for advice about whether he should take an SAT2 in the teacher’s subject. It would have to be a major situation for me to consider intervening in anything.
I was shocked when I got my senior yearbook, and it was dedicated to the college guidance counselor. I thought, Do people actually talk to her, and do they actually feel warmly about her? I graduated one spot out of the top 5% of my 500+ class, and she’d never spoken to me ever about college. At the time, I think I was too naive to see racism, but I also never was chosen for the cool internship in my area of interest. My friend, Susan, was just anointed as the one to get it. I wish that I had a gladiator parent to come in and kick some ass, but neither of my parents even made it to HS and weren’t comfortable in the education arena.
Go back and re-read the context Brantly. I said that I had different motivation for my helicopter parenting than another poster, saying that rather than getting special benefits for my kids, I want guarantees of safety, etc. which doesn’t mean that I, or anyone else, ever gets exactly what I want. Just that not all helicopters are alike.