Help! 8th Grader refuses to go to class.

Parent Cafe
1

<p>There is such a wealth of talent, knowledge, and caring on this site that it seems to be a place to go to for a difficult problem. DS is a delightful, caring, sensitive, and bright child. Child, however, is the operative word. In appearance and social skills, DS seems much younger than is peers which when paired with his highly sensitive nature makes him the target of some very vicious teasing. He is now so locked into a cycle of teasing and explosive reactions to the teasing that he refuses to go to his classes; preferring to sit out the day in the school office. He has an IEP for processing speed and organization issues and with his refusal to go to class; the SPED director is pushing for us to allow him to be placed in a special program. This program is housed in the school; but is otherwise separate. While I truly believe that the teasing is the source of most of his problems (it is pretty hard to concentrate on school work when you are overwhelmed by feelings of worthlessness) and that I am angry at the school for allowing an environment where teasing prospers, I need to find a strategy that will support my son. </p>

<p>We have tried therapy and found that since the teasing continued that therapy was of little help. The boys that tease my son get punished which just makes them more likely to ostracize and tease him. To make matters worse, my husband and I can’t seem to agree on the problem because he seems to think there is no problem. I had agreed to academic support classes as part of son’s IEP; but when DS balked at daily support classes, Dad pulled him out. As a result, the school’s position is son’s problems are a result of our failure to allow the school to provide services, which makes it very hard for us to get additional services including a more appropriate placement. Now we have the two pronged problem of how to get him through the rest of the school year and what to do about high school.</p>

2

<p>Unsoccer mom, your post nearly broke my heart. What a horribly sad situation. I am not knowledgeable about special education, but I did have a child who suffered horrible teasing/bullying/ostracism WITH a husband who was in total denial and actually made the situation worse.</p>

<p>First of all, is there any way you and your husband could do some short-term counseling so that a neutral party could help him to understand how serious and damaging the behavior is that your son is dealing with? Until you get him on board, you’ll never be able to fix things for your son.</p>

<p>My next question is this: would your son’s issues be readily apparent to anyone who doesn’t already know him?</p>

<p>Finally, will he be going to high school withe same group of kids or is there some alternative?</p>

3

<p>if harassment is preventing him from being able to participate in class- his rights are being violated.
The answer isn’t to remove him from classes he could otherwise participate in.
<a href=“Yahoo | Mail, Weather, Search, Politics, News, Finance, Sports & Videos”>Yahoo | Mail, Weather, Search, Politics, News, Finance, Sports & Videos;
but to force the school and the district to deal with the harassers.</p>

<p>

</p>

4

<p>My husband does think the bullying is the problem. Where we differ, is that I think my son’s explosive reaction is also a problem. DH spends more of his effort on talking to the school about what the other kids are saying doing, and I have been trying unsuccessfully to push for a social skills group for my son. Counseling has not resolved our differences. To adults, DS appears to be what he is; a kind, communicative, funny, caring boy. To kids his own age; he just seems weird. Kids is own age just don’t get him. </p>

<p>He has been with the same group of kids for years and yes would as it now stands go onto the same high school. To make matters worse the grade has an anomaly with a 70/30 percentage of male to female. I think that this has contributed to making this a very competitve environment that will likely get worse in high school.</p>

5

<p>That is such a sad situation, Unsoccer-mom. I am so sorry that your family has to go through this. I don’t have any advice on what to do about school, but I was wondering whether your son could get involved in some out of school activities with new kids. It is so hard for a kid that age to feel good about himself while being bullied. Could he get involved in a Church youth group? Boy scouts? A sports team? It seems to me that in all of these activities he would face less of what he faces at school from his peers. If he is athletic, he should definitely look into sports. In team sports, I’ve seen kids who are normally made fun of accepted by other boys because of their skill and/or effort. If he is creative, look into a drama program. That way he can use some of his talents alongside peers and maybe gain some new social skills and understanding at the same time.</p>

6

<p>That is a really hard case- does he have friends in his classes? And it isn’t possible to go to another school?
I think I might even - consider homeschooling- while you work with the school to get them to shape up-
they shouldn’t be tolerating bullying, and your son is not the only one who needs social skill classes.
As you say- if he is young for his age ( as my kids are) that can be exacerbating the differences.
My younger daughter had social skills classes in summer- as well as participated in sports that gave her more confidence- including martial arts- I have known several kids who have started martial arts for that reason and some have been very successful.
I can’t really think of any short term fixes however, other than to get him out of there completely- I don’t think forcing him to attend a special program that he wouldn’t otherwise need is going to be beneficial in the long run</p>

7

<p>What a difficult position! My heart goes out to your son, and your whole family, as this is a family “crisis” of sorts. I agree that you and your husband need to pull together for your boy. Why do you think your husband thinks it’s ok for your son to be teased and bullied?</p>

<p>"the SPED director is pushing for us to allow him to be placed in a special program. This program is housed in the school; but is otherwise separate. "</p>

<p>Have you visited this program and is it an appropriate one for your son? Would he willingly go, and would your husband support the choice?
What are your reservations about this option? Would it help with his processing and organizational issues?</p>

<p>edit: I see your latest post that your h doesn’t think it’s ok for son to be harrassed - just differs on solution.</p>

8

<p>We had a similar situation in middle school. We moved our son to a private school for a few years. The situation improved for a while but returned in spades in the ninth grade. He missed over forty days that year. The school was very supportive up to a point, but we were told in late May that they would not accept him back for tenth grade, pretty much forcing us to send him back to the public school system.</p>

<p>We also went the therapy route and discovered that it was pretty useless unless you can get the parents to put up a united front and unless you can find the right therapist(s) for your situation (it took us over two years and seven or eight different professionals of one sort or another before we assembled the team that made the difference for us.) If you have only tried one therapist and have not been able to find sufficient common ground with your husband to put on a united front, you are still at the beginning of the road as far as therapy is concerned. If the therapist is not working out after a couple of months, look for another. </p>

<p>From what I remember of middle school and high school, the teasing will in all likelihood continue as long as your son reacts to it. Kids of that age will find a way to tease and torment others regardless of what kind of environment the school creates. The teachers and administrators just can’t be everywhere and getting angry at them is not going to help. You are dealing with human nature here and they can only do so much to control that. You need to change how your son (and perhaps how you and/or your husband) reacts to the teasing.</p>

<p>I was always the fat kid in school and hated the teasing until I learned to banter right back and not show how much it bothered me. Eventually, the pack decided that it was more entertaining to tease someone else. That approach may or may not work for your son. In any event, hang in there. It takes a while to get results but they sure are satisfying when they come.</p>

9

<p>unsoccermon. I am sorry this is happening to your son. Middle school boys are brutal. The pecking order has been established with your kid at or near the bottom. You and your husband need to save him from this toxic environment. Do not wait for the school to help or try to fix things. Take this matter firmly into your own hands.</p>

<ol>
<li>have him attend a new school for high school, private, catholic whatever. Get him out of the current situation if at all possible.</li>
</ol>

<p>2.Get him into the weightroom. He needs to increase his self esteem and have a physical release for all his tension. See if you can interest him in golf, tennis, swimming, karate,running or gymnastics. He needs to have a sport that he is good at but is also individualized.</p>

<p>3.Get him a counselor if possible to help him come up with better ways of managing his reactions to being harrassed…</p>

<p>These will be lifelong skills that he will need in his everyday life. Treat this as the most important thing in his and your life. Show him that you are behind him 100%. </p>

<p>You are probably only aware of the tip of the iceberg as far as how bad things are for your son.</p>

10

<p>Thanks, Emeraldkity4. I love the IEP on harrassment! You certainly identified my concern with the Pathways program. “I don’t think forcing him to attend a special program that he wouldn’t otherwise need is going to be beneficial in the long run.”</p>

<p>BassDad, I tell my son about the time I saw another driver stop her car and get out to chase wild turkeys out of her way. The other drivers behind her drove slowly around her car as the turkeys moved out their way. But the more she tried to chase them away from her car, the more they gathered around her. Absolutely, DS makes the teasing worse by reacting to it. The problem is that he can’t seem to stop trying to get the “turkeys” to leave him alone. I do agree that it will be a long process and that we need to give therapy another try. As the last therapist said when asked by my son why he was the one when in therapy when the other kids were doing the teasing, “because all of them won’t fit in my office”.</p>

11

<p>I think he needs a fresh start at a new school. Would it make sense for you to have him repeat the eighth grade, so he wouldn’t look so much younger than his peers, in a new school? Even a year away from his harassers could do wonders for his confidence and ability to connect with other kids. Does he have access to group activities outside of school that don’t involve kids he knows, such as theater groups or club sports or youth orchestras or church/temple youth groups? As sax suggested, are there group lessons, such as karate, sailing, crew, painting, etc. which would develop an interest or talent but also give him a different group of kids to make friends with? </p>

<p>I have a friend who turned to an internet based high school program, fully accredited by CA, for a son with learning disabilities who also wanted time to go on auditions. He can work at his own pace academically, he can go into the school facility and see teachers when he needs to, he has time for acting lessons and club soccer and a part-time job (lots of outlets for socializing) but he doesn’t have to put up with the negativity of certain classmates and the rigid schedules of the public high school. Something to think about.</p>

12

<p>My heart truly goes out to your son. As the mom of five, all whom had those turbulent years in middle school I have seen much. Youngest son also has LD and an IEP to go with it. That being said there was/still is some teasing that started BUT… youngest son was the youngest of five. With two older brothers and a sister who is nicknamed “Ole’ Diablo” by her brothers the teasing never progressed very far.</p>

<p>They are all a year apart except from #4 to #5 with 2 school grades seperating them. As that they are not all biologically mine (varying races and ethnicities) many times it came as a shock to the new offending teaser to being confronted by a previously unidentified older sibling.</p>

<p>Older brothers played popwarner football since itsy-bitsy and it wasn’t until youngest was cleared by mds that they STRONGLY suggested he do so as well. He was finally able to start practice in middle school. Since he hadn’t played much and has some physical impairments it was hard at first but he did enjoy himself.</p>

<p>What he really enjoyed was his brothers showing up to all his practices after their practices in very recognizable uniforms. And little by little HE changed. His response to teasing, his level of self-confidence, his ability to speak up in class, and his academic work. He began to ask for more help in class and began to push himself academically. </p>

<p>I can honestly say his social worker who first initially placed him with us hoped he might someday after much intense therapy and special segregated programs for SPED would someday be able to possibly mainstream. Unfortunately we as a family had much loftier goals for him!!</p>

<p>His therapy ended up being 4 siblings who didn’t take no for an answer, who pushed him harder than any bully or teasing jerk could and then for some unknown reason knew when to back away and let him do it on his own. Knew even to tell me to “let him sink or swim”.</p>

<p>Football wasn’t easy for him. They have their own code, their own sense of values…but he has kept at it and he will be a senior in the fall starting for the varsity squad. Needless to say there isn’t anymore teasing, at least not by the guys…it’s the girls I’m worried about now!!!</p>

<p>But we were careful in selecting his coursework in high school. Picked teachers vs. classes. His electives included jROTC and weight training with the head football coach. The students that might have picked on him in 8th grade were not going to tread into that water…weight lifting is not resticted by grade level so his fellow classmates/teammates were upperclassmen, many seniors. </p>

<p>He had a built in table to sit with at lunch first day of 9th grade, the football table. Hard to tease someone at THAT table.</p>

<p>Same with jROTC class, joined saber team and color guard. Again no grade restrictions so had instant friends and upperclassmen. When he wasn’t at practice for football, had to be at competitions and other sporting events for color guard and saber.</p>

<p>All led to a super boost in self-confidence. His largest obstacle was the same thing that helped him, his sibs. He has lived under their shadow for so long that this was the first year it was all him. Having sibs who were all-state and state champions was hard to live up to. But he says it was much easier to live with that then to be teased for 4 years of high school.</p>

<p>If the situation was absolutley dire I would re-locate him, but I would think long and hard before we as a family would let it get to that point.</p>

<p>I guess that’s when the kitty kat I am would become as my kiddos say a “tiger”. And its not pretty.</p>

<p>My very best wishes to you and your son.</p>

<p>Kat</p>

<p>ps. this was all at public high school and I was a pest to the GC in the sense that he needed teachers and classes that were a good “fit” for him
the respect of fellow football players is not gained so much by talent or athletic ability but by hard work, ability to show up everyday and give it your best…so whether my son kinda sucked (athletically) in the beginning was unimportant, it was his desire to give 100% every practice…</p>

<p>“nobody wants to be you at summer afternoon practices in full pads, but everyone wants to be you on Friday night” youngest son’s motto!!</p>

13

<p>Uncoccermom- my heart goes out to your family. I completely agree with Sax. As a public school teacher and mother of a small seventh grade boy, I can promise you that you have only heard a small part of how bad it probably is for your son at that school. Is homeschooling for now a possibility? My son, who plays on a championship soccer team and has a nice group of friends has responded to the 7th grade bullies by deliberately sabotaging his grades “Mom. they torture you if you’re smart.” We convinced him to at least keep them at an A- level so that he can apply to private school for 9th grade.</p>

14

<p>Homeschooling might give him some peace and let him be who he is.</p>

15

<p>Does he participate in activities outside of school?</p>

16

<p>Thank you all for you comments and for the private messages. Here are some of the things we have tried:</p>

<p>Sports - He has always participated in sports, but he is not very good and has often been the brunt of teasing by the team. A number of kids this spring took joy in informing him that he was the last player drafted for spring baseball. The fact that they knew this says quite a bit about the kind of town we live in.</p>

<p>Summer Camps - We tried a YMCA camp last summer and he lasted two nights before the teasing in the cabin overwhelmed him. </p>

<p>JROTC - We looked into this earlier this year; he was very interested and I thought that would be a great program for him, but his asthma is a medical disqualifier.</p>

<p>Private Schools - In Massachusetts, they are around 30k per year and that kind money is simply not an option.</p>

<p>Homeschooling - I work full-time and cannot leave work because the family needs the medical benefits.</p>

<p>Repeating the grade - Despite his size, he is already one of the older kids and I feel that being 15 in 8th grade is simply not an option.</p>

<p>New School - The town participates in school choice, so this may be our best shot.</p>

17

<p>As a JROTC alternative, look at the Sea Cadets or Civil Air Patrol if they exist in your area.</p>

<p>I think that he would really benefit from some kind of social skills class. I don’t know anything about them, but the fact that he is made fun of and teased in every situation makes me believe that there are some particular reasons why it happens to him specifically. Hopefully with a class he would learn to better associate with his peers. After participating in some kind of program to better his social skills, I think he would benefit from a new beginning, either at a new school or in his expected high school if it combines students from a variety of middle schools. </p>

<p>There’s a very good chance, of course, that he’ll hit puberty this summer, get taller, get larger, his voice will change, and hopefully he’ll gain some confidence. At the same time, his peers will be getting older. The students who were made fun of in my school were teased less and less as other students got older.</p>

18

<p>Not trying to be argumentative, but I don’t see why being 15 in 8th grade is not an option for a kid who’s on the small side and struggling socially. </p>

<p>Plenty of parents hold kids back for more than a year to give kids an edge in sports. Just as an example, there’s a star football QB here in the L.A. area who is 19 as a senior in high school. My son won’t turn 19 until he’s a soph in college! Anyway, here’s this 19 year old h.s. student and far from it being “not an option” he is apparently thriving exponentially — he is a top recruit going to Notre Dame next year. Frankly, if your son has stopped going to classes now in the eighth grade, I don’t see how he’s going to make a seamless transition to 9th grade without taking another year to get a running start for a better adjustment to high school. </p>

<p>I suggest you make appointments to go and talk to the head counselor or psychologist of some key schools: the high school you would choose for your S (the one that all the bullies will not be attending) and then also talk to the same at the middle schools that feed that h.s. If it were me, I would have him repeat eighth grade at that feeder middle school and spend the next few months and the summer having him develop social skills, coping (ignoring) mechanisms, and maybe take lessons (instrument, voice, anything) that will let him find a group to join right away (I am thinking band or choir). Granted you work full time, but maybe you can hire a high school or college student in the neighborhood to drive him to various activities or lessons after school. It sounds like he needs some confidence boosters (again, I second sax’s suggestion for individual skill builders such as weight lifting and martial arts.)</p>

19

<p>I just read your post #16, and the new school sounds like a good option to me.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>I would really try to figure out the source of this, or it is likely to happen at the new school too.</p>

20

<p>Kids who end up being bullied or scapegoats find that the same thing often happens in each and every situation, until the source is determined. If you son was teased at camp, with obstensibly “new” kids (who didn’t know the bullying history), it is likely that he will be teased in a new school too. Perhaps there is something quirky or odd with his social pragmatics, which could be addressed in a “social group”, that would help.</p>

<p>You say you are in MA. Depending on where you are, I might be able to give you some pointers as to where to look for help. Feel free to PM me.</p>