<p>Some kids don’t bother to go to their school post offices or mailrooms to pick up the packages their moms have prepared, packed, and mailed with such care (and expense!). My son was guilty of this at times, and there have been numerous posts by other moms whose kids did the same thing. I guess the underlying lesson of the above is that, in general, being far away from home is harder on the parents than the students.</p>
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<p>So THAT’s where my gal got it!!! 
UUUmmm… ;)</p>
<p>They also say that the relationship between parent and child is the only one where breaking up is considered success ;)</p>
<p>Another Californian with one S already in college on the East coast and now our younger one will be there as well. </p>
<p>I don’t think I would miss them any less if they were closer. The little ache in my heart is more about the growing up than the going away.</p>
<p>The financial implications are larger than the emotional ones. Lots of checks get written to solve problems that might not exist if the college was an hour away. Travel being the big one. We’re lucky to be retired and be able to head East a few times a year and to be able to afford to bring them home for holidays - if that were not the case, I think the cost of travel would be a big, fat headache.</p>
<p>S1 is now a junior and still gets together with all his high school friends when he’s home, and though they don’t see one another between visits, the relationships seem to pick up where they left off. Romances usually fare differently, but staying with the high school bf/gf may not be the best plan, anyway.</p>
<p>If it were up to me, I would have kept them 8 years old forever, but given that that is not possible, I’m going with the concept that letting them make their choices and live their lives is part of my “unconditional love” job description.</p>
<p>Once you get to the “need to fly” vs. “can drive it in a day round trip” distance, the major factor is how easy it is to get from school to airport to home. D2 is at a great school but we have discovered that there are only 3 flights a day in and out of that town (36 passengers each). School provides shuttles to a city at vacations but it’s still a pain since the shuttles reach the city late at night, which really limits flight choices.<br>
OTOH, she loves it and the isolation of campus is probably part of why the kids are so bonded and identify so closely with their school.</p>
<p>We live in California and D is in her second year in Boston. It is harder on me than her. She loves everything about Boston and living on the east coast.
She has “moved on” from her high school friends, except the 2 closest, whom she facebooks regularly and spends time with over her breaks. The logistics can be challenging. The ache doesn’t go away…each time it hurts like the first time, but when I see how incredibly happy D is, I am happy for her. </p>
<p>The greatest gifts you can give your child are twofold; give her roots and give her wings. </p>
<p>If your only objection is the distance, let her go…</p>
<p>WOW - overwhelming response on letting them go. We are transplanted NY’ers who live in the Philadelphia area. Both my siblings live close to my parents in NY - but being the youngest and only girl, I wonder how hard it was for my mom to see me move 3 hours away after I got married. Many friends that grew up in the Philadelphia area can’t imagine going further than 1 hour away for college and many parents I know do put this restriction on their kids. Frankly, I don’t want her one hour from home - it makes it too easy to not untie that apron string and branch out on her own. But West Coast for college seems an extreme! I told her she could apply, told her I will miss her terribly. Reading these posts are very reassuring. She could be one hour away and less in touch. Giving her wings might be the best way for her to find herself and ultimately for our bond to remain close. Now I just have to convince my husband if this ends up what our D truly wants…</p>
<p>I too think this discussion has become a little skewed. I think it’s absolutely doable to send your child across country and I am sure it is a fabulous growing experience. I don’t think it necessarily follows that kids who stay closer to home don’t grow and change. And many young adults find themselves drawn back to areas close to their families, either for jobs or when their own children arrive. I don’t see what’s “dysfunctional” about that, as one poster said. I know many people who live very close to all their extended family and wouldn’t have it any other way.</p>
<p>Well, here’s another problem with letting them go. My son is now a graduating college senior (he goes to school in California; we live in Virginia.) He got admitted to his dream school, and we let him go. He’s loved it; he’s done really well; we’ve seen him on some holidays and for a couple of weeks every summer, and we can always reach him on his cell phone, so it hasn’t been anywhere near as bad as we imagined four years ago. Now, he’s starting job interviews, and he wants to stay out there. We realized when he came home for winter break last month that there won’t be any more winter breaks, spring breaks and summer vacations when he can visit for extended periods of time–he’ll get two or three weeks vacation from wherever he works (if that), and he probably won’t want to spend much of that hanging around his parents. This made us pretty unhappy. Of course, he might have moved to California after graduation anyway, but he wouldn’t have had lots of friends and a girlfriend there and the odds at least would have been less. On the other hand, it is his life, not ours, and when we retire, we’ll have plenty of time to go visit him!</p>
<p>It can work any number of ways:</p>
<p>One of my sisters went to college in California and never came back. But she visits my parents quite frequently.</p>
<p>My other sister went to college in Arizona and then moved to California. She moved “home” at 33, and now lives about five blocks from my parents. They see each other every day, and make each other almost as miserable as they did 30 years ago when she was in high school.</p>
<p>My brother went to the local state U, then graduate school in Arizona, and wound up living about 400 miles away from my parents.</p>
<p>I went to college about a six-hour drive from where I grew up. I live somewhere else now – about a six-hour drive from where I grew up. I rarely make that drive more (or less) than twice a year.</p>
<p>My wife went to college about 150 miles from her parents. She never got back any closer, either. But her mother now lives a mile from us, and we see her almost every day.</p>
<p>One uncle and aunt had three children, none of whom went to college or grad school more than 300 miles away. For over a decade, the three kids wound up living thousands and thousands of miles apart from each other and their parents (specifically, Tokyo, Copenhagen/Geneva, and Mankato MN). Now, two of them live a few miles apart in the NYC area, and the parents just moved to Minnesota.</p>
<p>My moral: Whatever you’re thinking, don’t count on it.</p>
<p>Dizzymom, what a lovely post…</p>
<p>In my family of origin, four kids went back East to college from Northern California. Three of us are now back in Northern California, having spent 5-10 years back East. The other, after a similar away period, in is Southern California. It really helps if the parents live some place cool.</p>
<p>The world is much smaller than it used to be. My father never flew in his whole life and my mother flew only once, I believe. My husband has traveled for business all over the country and, more recently, the world, for 30 years, so, to us, travelling by plane isn’t any different than a driving trip that takes the same number of hours. Also, plane tickets are relatively less expensive than they were years ago. So it does not bother me that my son went to school across the country and is now working in that same area. I did not expect him to come back to his hometown after college, and, to me, it is not that much different that he is a plane ride away than if he was 5 or 6 hours away by car. We are a close family and speak to him often - we are glad that he is working at a great job in a location that he loves!</p>
<p>S1 and S2 went to school within 3 hours of home. Now S1 works in AZ and S2 works in CO. We actually talk to them more now than when they lived close to home. S1 has an 80 minute drive home across the desert so several times a week he will call and talk to stay awake. We never heard from him when he was at school. for airfares I have the deal finders that pop up on my computer. We did miss them for the holidays this year, but spent a week out there earlier in the year. You can never predict where life will take them or you.</p>
<p>Singersmom - We are on the east coast and our son is three time zones away on the west coast. He had a habit of calling at odd hours, like when he is driving home from work late at night, because it was the most convenient time for him to call us. Obviously, late at night on the west coast is REALLY late for us here where we are three hours ahead of him. I hope your son does not call you to chat when it is late at night for him, and wake you up in the early hours of the morning! I finally told my son not to do that any more unless it is an emergency!!</p>
<p>"I don’t see what’s “dysfunctional” about that, as one poster said. "</p>
<p>I see I implied it WAS dysfunctional when I only meant it FELT dysfunctional to ME because of MY family dynamic. I actually followed this with a question because I was curious about what MY feelings meant.</p>
<p>You cannot keep your daughter close to home unless you are willing to refuse to pay for the west coast school, which will alienate her forever. Let her explore the world and she will always want to come home to you.</p>
<p>Our college sophomore is in school in New Hampshire, which is a 6-8 hour airline trip from our home in St. Louis (although currently interning on a presidential campaign). One day it’s Iowa, the next NH, and next week… Nevada? Or maybe S. Carolina? Or ??? </p>
<p>Do we miss him? YES Could we be more proud of him? NO</p>
<p>I’m dealing with this situation right now with my mom. I live in the midwest, but my two dream schools are both located in New England. My mom brings up how she’s not sure she’ll let me go just about everyday, even if I’m accepted. She says she’s not worried about me being far away for the next four years, but what will happen after I graduate. In her words, it’s “unacceptable” for me to live farther than an hour away from my parents once I “settle down”, because “it’s not an option” for her to see her grandchildren less than once a week. Once, she even said that if I do leave, it would be like turning my back on our family.</p>
<p>I understand that she feels this way because she loves me, but I just can’t imagine turning down my dream schools (if I get accepted) and risking losing the opportunities/experiences I would gain from going to either of them. I feel like she’s being really unreasonable, but I don’t know what to do; in the end, my parents are paying the tuition and what my mom says goes. Any advice on how to deal with this situation?</p>
<p>^^When a mom talks like that, it helps sometimes to get someone in her generation to talk to her. Does she have a sister or cousin who has had the experience of letting a child go further to school and living through it? Or if she has a pastor, sometimes they can counsel for a more open-minded view.</p>
<p>SHe’s making so many assumptions! You are put on earth to discover your life and someday take care of her (from near or far)…but not to just have her grandchildren at an easy distance for her.</p>
<p>Perhaps tell her you want to go to great schools so that you can make the family extremely proud (still the family talk, in other words) but also because you need to
find out all about the world. That, no matter where you live, if she lets you venture now you’ll realize how much it was an emotional sacrifice for her, and you’ll always appreciate her for stretching herself beyond what she thought she could. In other words, make her feel great about doing something hard for her. Love isn’t that self-centered as to dictate where the next generation must live.</p>
<p>Did she have immigrant grandparents or ancestors? Ask her what would have happened to the family if they hadn;t gone out beyond the horizon to explore…where would she be living today if someone had held back HER ancestor?</p>
<p>A different approach, probably more practical, is to just talk about the college years.
Just focus on that, and whenever she talks about “after that…where will you live…?”:
just say, “I don’t know, maybe here or maybe there, but it’s just so far in the distance…I’m sure a top education will give me all the possible choices at that time.”
Include the idea that you might decide to return to your region. Some do, some don’t.</p>
<p>I know a mom (a friend of one of my kids) who just extends every conversation to the next topic. It’s so tiresome. All you really have in front of you is the college choice, not your entire future! So try to keep the discussion focussed on the college as a four-year event.</p>
<p>By the time she gets used to that, you’ll be in an entirely new relationship with yher as a 21 year old in senior year of college. Don’t try to figure out your whole life together this month. One decision at a time…</p>
<p>As long as she’s spinning fantasies of grandchildren living around the corner, you could also play that game, spinning a fantasy where you have a great job and house somewhere and would want to build on an addition for her to live nearby you, in a better climate…etc.</p>
<p>I am thrilled my D is on the opposite coast, and will be thrilled if my younger D ends up there as well!!</p>
<p>I am thrilled because that is where they want and need to be…I know kids who are close to home, who come into the city and don’t tell their parents because they don’t want to see them, or be made to feel bad if they don’t stop by </p>
<p>I know some that are close and it works</p>
<p>I could never imagine guilting my kids into seeing me…what does a mom gain from that?</p>
<p>And confession time…I am actually looking forward a bit to youngest D leaving for college!!! She is a great kid and we get along well, its just I am getting ready for MY time-</p>