<p>DS went to college only two hours away. We thought he might venture home every so often for a weekend or so. He never did. He came home only for Thanksgiving and winter vacation. In the summers he typically was at a summer program and he went away to spring break trips with college friends (at his expense). DD goes to school on the opposite coast. She is here all summer and for the winter holiday. The truth is, we didn’t see him here any more than we see her. We DID have more opportunities to go to DS’s school to see events there because of the proximity. BUT I would never have thought to say no to my daughter when she was accepted at her number one college choice. If I REALLY hadn’t wanted her to go there, I would not have allowed her to apply.</p>
<p>My California girl is now a senior on the East Coast. I think this is where the rubber hits the road. Many of her friends are planning to move to NYC after graduation and she knows if she comes back here that her school community will be far away. But if she goes there, her home community - both family and close friends-- will be far away. She realizes that had she chosen a CA school she might be thinking of moving to the Bay area with friends or somewhere in CA and that she wouldn’t be facing this conflict. There is a pull to stay on the East Coast longer but there is also a pull to return home. She has found things about the other side of the country that she likes better and then there are things that are more difficult – quality of life kinds of things. Ultimately, the choice will have a lot to do with the job opportunities she has. She has said that if and when she goes to grad school, location will factor much more than it did in the college selection process. In college, you don’t have to leave the perimeter of the school much, but in grad school, you might care a lot more about the location. My current college applicant kid has applied all over but I do think he has more concerns about going far away now that he’s seen the ups and downs of it from the sibling perspective. The cell phones, the e-mails and all of that are great (I talk to her way more than the college grad kid who lives in town but I see him almost every week) and I’m glad for her that she has had this experience. But sometimes there is no substitute for a hug and seeing them. I do know kids whose parents have made it very clear that they may not leave the state or even the immediate area. I would not want to hold a kid back, particularly if there is a compelling opportunity but I do understand where they are coming from.</p>
<p>Good insights mimk6, thinks</p>
<p>There is a very good chance one or both my girls will move to the east coast after college</p>
<p>I don’t see it as a loss at all</p>
<p>We are a nation of immigrants, and most of our grandparents or great grand parents moved from their families to different countries, with little communication</p>
<p>We are also a migrant nation- people moving all over the place, often</p>
<p>That being said, I understnad the sadness, but those parents should consider themselves lucky!!</p>
<p>We moved from the US to China four years ago when my oldest was in grade 10. I met many parents here with kids back in the US for college and thought I could never ever do it. Fast forward and we are still here in China and daughter is in PA and we’ve all managed very well. Letting go is a process - she grew up, became more independent, spent more time with friends, set goals for her life, etc. Yes there were tears and it was very hard to get on the plane and leave her in a different country but very comforting to know that she’s in a great place with so many opportunities.</p>
<p>It is true that we are a nation of immigrants (and I am the child of immigrants) but what I find interesting, in my neck of the woods, is that parents who have immigrated are the most likely to keep their kids from going far. I’m not sure why that is but maybe it’s because they know how wrenching it is to be far from family and perhaps they know, from personal experience, what is lost as well as what is gained. I know I am not thinking just about the near future. I would like to know my grandchildren really well someday. I would like to have with them what I had with my own grandmother who lived a mile away – sleepovers, a close relationship. I’d like to go to their recitals and soccer games and birthday parties. If my kids are scattered to the four winds, I won’t be able to have that and neither will they. The thing is, it’s not an either/or thing. It’s not like the only way my kid can have a fulfilling life is to live thousands of miles away from home. Sure, she (or he) could have a great life elsewhere but she (or he) can also have a great life here (or somewhere closer to here). There are lots of career options to be had, people to meet and so forth all over the world, but there really is no substitute for family.</p>
<p>I’m also the daughter of immigrants. When it came time for college, I was not allowed to go to a school that would require me to move out of my house, therefore, my choices were limited to the schools in my city. It was hard, because I had the stats to go wherever I would have wanted, and I definitely did want to go away. The same restriction was placed on my younger siblings.</p>
<p>The funny thing is that my aunt’s kids, who did all go away to school (some to Europe!) now have all moved back to within 5 miles of their mother’s home and they get together every week for Sunday dinner. On the other hand, my mom’s kids have all moved away and the closest one is a two hour drive away from her. We all love our parents very much and did not move away to spite them, its just how things worked out. You never can tell where life will take you . . .</p>
<p>There is only so much one can control in a child’s life!</p>
<p>My father had the opportunity to go to MIT as an undergrad (circa 1945) but was discouraged from doing so by his parents and went to Brooklyn College instead. He then went to Columbia Law and did fine - but he resents it to this day.</p>
<p>My sister was accepted to a college in Washington DC but my parents made her go to a rural LAC (both were about the same distance from our home) because they were afraid of crime in cities. She was an English major and wanted to study abroad in England, and her school had a very strong study abroad program which was not common then. Again, my parents would not allow it because they were afraid (it was during the time of the Irish Republican Army violence). She still resents these restrictions. </p>
<p>(They also tried to discourage me from going on a trip to see the National Parks of the West one year after we got married. As an aside, we had a very small wedding and had not had a honeymoon. Even going on a trip to a far away part of our country seemed frightening and unnecessary to them. They told me that there would be “plenty of time to go on trips when we got older” :eek: Yeah, right…wait a few years until we had little kids to drag around!! Fortunately, we did not listen to that advice and have had many great vacations to faraway locations!)</p>
<p>Shrinkrap you asked a ways back how long to acculturate?</p>
<p>Well, I think in some ways only some ever do. I would say that by the time your family has been in the US for several generations, the dominant culture changes. So we all acculturate but the culture changes out from underneath us.</p>
<p>And the adventure gene means we are many of us living in places that are different from our family of origin. Or married to someone from another country. </p>
<p>I remember sitting in Manhattan with three other people my age when I was in my early 20’s. One was a guy from a wealthy family in Mexico, another was a guy from LA who’s dad was in the film industry, another was a girl from Bozeman Montana, and then there was me. We just sat there, all of us saying that we had wanted to come from New York so as to find a new context.</p>
<p>In that world, acculturation is a moving target. So don’t worry if you feel like you aren’t on the inside. The truth is that there is no there there on the inside.</p>
<p>My older son studies in the UK ( Law at the University of Oxford )
He finishes his law studies in another year but is likely to stay on there for another couple of years to do some more courses at either Oxford or Cambridge.</p>
<p>If I had kept him here because of my desire to have him near, I would have deprived him of a great opportunity.</p>
<p>"So don’t worry if you feel like you aren’t on the inside.
"
Thank you. I guess I’m just reflecting as my D graduates and I reflect on how I ended up 3000K miles from home and what that has meant for my kids and their grandparents. My dad’s family goes way back (Black and Native American circa 1918 ) but my H was born in Jamaica . I feel a little guilty, but don’t think I’d want my D to factor that into her decision making.</p>