<p>I want to help my D learn how to assert herself better. She is an amazing and loyal friend but has come to feel that it is easier to not tell someone if they have hurt her feelings because she doesn’t want to get into it. She avoids confrontation/arguments at all cost which leaves her feeling annoyed and hurt but unwilling to tell her friends how they made her feel.</p>
<p>She is outgoing and well liked and seems to have good self esteem but she avoids confrontation.</p>
<p>I want to help her…withoug nagging. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>I do this alot with managers that work for me. I am not sure if it will work on a child, but here are some tools you can use. First, take an online “Myers-Briggs Personality Type Test” (you can google it). You take it, and then have her take it. Any other dominant people in the family can take it as well. Print out the results (a 4 letter ‘key’) as well as the definition. Take turns reading your definition, and a bit of time to discuss if you feel your personality type is accurate. Spend some time listening as well.</p>
<p>Now, you might end up with a Personality type ENTP, and your D might be an INTJ. Examine your differences and discuss how you being and “E”, and her being an “I” makes you different. Dont worry about the fact that you are going into this without a lot of training. You can google “Myers-Briggs Differences between an E and an I”, and read together the resulting information. There is a ton of it. You can also Google “Why dont ENFJ’s assert themselves”, or any other question that comes up. </p>
<p>What you might find out in the discussion is that her reason for not asserting herself is completely different from what you think it is. You might also find out that her personality type is the non-assertive type, but that in certain circumstances she can be. You might get a whole toolkit of ideas. Remember, it took her 17 years to develop her personality, and nothing is going to change it overnight. However, if she has a good understanding of who she is, she can better deal with herself and her reactions to others. Using the Myers-Briggs Personality Types is an interesting, non-confrontational way to open up a discussion about why we act the way we do. </p>
<p>There are many, many people like this, and for many people it stays with them into adulthood. Might she be interested in an assertiveness training class or session with a therapist or something? Those sorts of things are EVERYWHERE because so many people have this problem. The point of effective assertiveness, which perhaps should be emphasized to her, is that it is not about causing a confrontation-- in fact, the opposite is often true. It’s about creating a comfortable situation for everyone so that confrontation does not become necessary. Often if one is to willing to assert themselves from the beginning, it does not come to the blowout that is feared-- and if they don’t, it builds until it DOES become a confrontation. If nothing else, maybe explaining that to her might help even if she is not interested in any outside help with strategies.</p>
<p>I really like the book “Emotional Blackmail” by Susan Forward. She writes about people doing things in a FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt). She writes about how to set boundaries and how it really takes two people for “blackmail” to happen. It really sets things out in a way that is not judgemental – you can really see what happens when we are afraid – and why friends and family act the way they do because they are afraid (of loosing control usually). </p>
<p>Very pragmatic stuff. </p>
<p>I hope you will sternly talk to her about the downright evil pain a girl (or guy) can cause when they are “done” with a relationship but don’t want to “hurt” their partner. By avoiding the big blowup scene (which might not materialize) they actually prevent the no longer loved partner from finding secure happiness elsewhere. By deferring and avoiding pain the non confrontational person can be a horrific thief of time.</p>