<p>zafiro, I feel for you, as the mom of 4Ds, I’ve been there. In my experience, it is best, in the long run, to keep your opinions to yourself about the boyfriends, especially if they are negative ones. The school issues are obviously issues which you should be involved with your D, and I don’t think it’s just because you’re paying some of her education costs. You should be involved because she’s your D and her education is important to you. I will disagree with some others here about only paying tuition and nothing more, should she decide to move in with him. I, personally, would not do that. Even if she’s willing to get a job and contribute to her living costs, which would concern me more for the time involved and how it would influence her school work, I think that it’s a mistake to make life difficult for her, almost as a punishment, for ‘changing the rules’, as someone else called it. As long as she’s going to school f/t and doing well, I would assure her that I’d continue to pay whatever I had initially agreed to pay. </p>
<p>Her decision to move in with him or not will not likely be influenced by whether or not you ‘cut her off’ for spending money or expenses. If she’s determined to do this, she’ll do it regardless, and, in my mind, I’d rather know that my D is able to buy groceries, pay her rent, and bills, than to stop contributing to her costs just because I don’t happen to think she’s made a good choice.</p>
<p>As others have said, she may eventually see that he isn’t the one for her, but there’s also a chance that he will be, and that he’ll be around forever! You don’t want to cause unnecessary problems in that regard, when, in fact, it’s only you who will lose. Obviously, if the boy is abusive in any way, that changes everything, but that doesn’t appear to be the case here. Nineteen year olds, especially boys (and with huge family issues, too), are often at odds with finding the right path for their futures. Give him some time, as I’m sure you’ve imagined how your D would be faring right now in life if she didn’t have you and your H.</p>
<p>Continue to make attempts to include them both in family gatherings, etc. Make a point of telling her that you’d like to get to know him better since he’s such an important part of her life now. I’m sure you haven’t done it intentionally but perhaps he feels the tension there when he’s around. Kids sometimes are more perceptive than we think. On the Thanksgiving issue, maybe if you explained how important it was to you that BOTH of them came home, she’d convince him. My guess is that if she tells him she wants to go home for Thanksgiving dinner and she wants him to come along, he’ll agree.</p>
<p>If she’s happy, try to be happy for her. Keep the possible transfer issue separate, but it’s something you’ll want to discuss with her at some point. If she’s truly unhappy at her current school, there’s reason to investigate other options. </p>
<p>Lastly, don’t let the fact that they met online worry you too much. People here are making too much of that fact. If she’d met him at a bar, or in the grocery store, or walking down the street, how could she know him any better than she does now? There are good people and bad people everywhere, both online and off.</p>