HELP - dgtr wants to move in with boyfriend

<p>My condolences to you on your daughter’s situation.</p>

<p>You seem very charitable in your assessment of the BF. Some people would just say “Slacker” from the description you’ve provided. He could be a very good person inside, just needs a bit of growing up, but it doesn’t sound like your D is providing that motivation to grow up that many guys get when they find a girl. This is a bad sign.</p>

<p>My sister had such a BF for her first 3 years in college. He was going nowhere fast, steadily employed (telemarketing - yuk!), but did nothing else with himself. Fortunately, my sister didn’t get sucked into the move in with him situation and kept her grades high. She was also living at home going to a commuter school (she is a shy introvert as well), so the free rent probably had a lot to do with that.</p>

<p>This brings me to the lever you still may hold - money. You have certain standards that you believe she should live to - grades, self-image, etc. If you are funding her education at this school, I think you can say that you are paying her room and board at an away school because you believe she should be benefiting from the “college experience” of living with classmates and being involved in her school. If she doesn’t want that experience, (i.e. move in with BF), she should just pack her bags and come home and go to commuter school and spare you the expense of providing that full “college experience”. Especially since the grades are sliding. There is no reason to pay for prestigous school if she is going to be a mediocre student. That opens no doors in life.</p>

<p>This moves the argument to being about her and her life - not the BF. </p>

<p>There is risk in the strategy. She may decide to forego your financial assistance, get a job (to support this lifestyle) and move in with BF. That may cost her grades and put her in a bit of stress. It will likely move her to push BF to make something of himself when the checkbook doesn’t magically balance. In a semester or two, it will work itself out (BF gets motivated or daughter dumps him and goes back to the right path). This is when you need to be most supportive (emotionally) and understanding, accepting her mistake (if she learns from it), and be willing to move on positively.</p>

<p>My sister did end up dumping her slacker BF when she finally came around to the conclusion that he was a boat anchor on her life. She found another underachiever (working in a camera store). She seemed to have a thing for guys who weren’t hung up on themselves. However, this one, when presented with the move up or move on quickly improved his life, taking courses, getting a better job. They eventually married (after he was able to outearn her - a condition she put on him). Today he does quite well (despite never finishing that 4-year degree) earning a respectable 6-figure salary for a big IT company in a very secure situation.</p>

<p>I think your D knows what you want for her. You just need to set the limits and not enable her self-destructive relationship (granted there are worse). Definitely not a good idea to be particularly stern or emotional about it. Just business. If she thinks she can save him, she can try, but not on your dime.</p>

<p>Good Luck and stay calm. This too shall pass.</p>