<p>Here is my Princeton essay. Any changes/comments/suggestions in grammar/style/content is deeply appreciated. Thanks!</p>
<pre><code> As the oldest teacher in the school, Mrs. OLeary has an infamous reputation for being stubborn and cranky. Mrs. OLeary carries Mr. Largess (esteemed Vice Principal) in her back pocket, many students like to say. So it is not a surprise that when I wanted to join the Yearbook Committee freshmen year, responses from friends were not exactly favorable.
Haha!
What on earth are you thinking?
She does not deign to take freshmen.
It was my first week as a high school student. I began to doubt myself: maybe Yearbook was not the right choice? Still, I carefully listened to the morning announcements everyday: Freshmen Math Team: first meeting after school today in A205. DDR: Refreshments will be served. Entrepreneurs Club — New members welcome! I patiently awaited that fateful day when Yearbook Committee would be called.
That fateful day simply never came.
Maybe it really did not deign to take new members? I was puzzled. On one hand, while other clubs opened their welcoming doors, gates to Yearbook seemed shut. On the other hand, Yearbook is what I wanted to do.
Finally, one day after school, I mustered all my courage and marched down the third floor hallway.
The door was shut, literally. How anticlimactic.
Next morning, I again ventured down the hallway and eureka! I beheld the holy presence of Mrs. OLeary, regally shuffling through papers.
Hello. Is this Yearbook?
Silence.
Did she not hear me or did she pretend not to?
Mrs. OLeary? I am interested in joining the Yearbook Committee.
What grade are you in?
I am a freshman.
Her eyes regarded my face for what seemed a long time.
I blinked, and smiled.
Ok. Come in next Monday.
End of conversation.
Beginning of my Yearbook career.
In retrospect, this brief encounter provided me with the courage to take initiatives, to think independently, to be an individual. Peers were interested in learning Chinese; I founded a club. My schools course offerings were limited; I independently studied from Virtual High School. I saw the evils of the Cultural Revolution; I expressed myself through Speech and Debate. Today, whenever I have a new idea, I encourage myself, Cindy, do something about it!
As Mrs. O Leary likes to tell me from time to time, the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
</code></pre>
<p>this is not meant to be destructive, but in my opinion this essay doesn’t get much of you across. regarding the time left, i have only one advice: more personality. depict your thoughts more deeply in personality terms.</p>
<p>This is actually a really bad college essay. Even if we ignore the fact that it’s about as cliche and unoriginal as an essay can get, there’s very little analysis done and the amount of dialogue provided is superfluous and detracts from the substance of the piece. Also, almost every rule of grammar is violated, but that should be the least of the OP’s concern.</p>
<p>EAD, the OP’s essay didn’t do much for me, but then again, I’m not an adcom.
Anyone have the Tanabes’ book “Accepted!”? There are a couple of questionable essays I’d like to discuss with CCers - one of them was a Princeton acceptance, personifying her piano ‘Wurly’ - she talked endlessly of what she hoped to do (my lifetime goals include running a marathon, becoming good at some wind instrument, blah blah) and at the end she said ‘piano playing requires an infinite amount of patience and skill’. It was probably the worst one out of that book.</p>
<p>Another one was a Harvard acceptance - the essay described the mother taking care of the sick father, well written with detailed descriptions of the setting etc but the main point was that she saw rays of strength/compassion radiating from her mother’s eyes and that she hoped she could one day do the same.</p>
<p>“This is actually a really bad college essay. Even if we ignore the fact that it’s about as cliche and unoriginal as an essay can get, there’s very little analysis done and the amount of dialogue provided is superfluous and detracts from the substance of the piece. Also, almost every rule of grammar is violated, but that should be the least of the OP’s concern.”</p>
<p>You sound like one of those bitter movie critics.</p>
<p>IMHO, it’s a bit iffy. I’d ramp up the diction, check grammar, and maybe structure the story a tad differently to build up a greater sense of tension near the end. The basic idea is fairly sound, if not a bit overdone, but all the essay really needs is a good rewrite/edit and it’d be a lot better.</p>