I decided to tell my son about his weight gain a month ago. Didn’t nag him. Just waited for the right moment and told him him he didn’t want to wait until he was 55 like me to start thinking about his health. Also asked him to get his thyroid checked when he schedules his year end checkup. Told him thyroid condition could be genetic and he needed to get it checked out. Was the conversation uncomfortable? Yes, but when it comes to health issues with folks I care about I’m not going to be silent. If done in a caring way and discussed objectively I think it makes it easier. Didn’t want to wait 20 years and watch him gain more weight because I thought it might offend him. I didn’t want to offend my older brother about his health and now he’s gone. Would it have made a difference if I said something? Don’t know. So I’ve decided I’ll take the chance and offend someone than lose someone.
FYI-I’ve seen changes with my son since the conversation.
Since this is CC, don’t think I’ve seen this mentioned in much detail on this thread so I’ll address the idea of parenting and prepping your high school athlete to be a non-athletic college student.
Many young adults struggle with weight and overall health related to weight and losing muscle tone when they go from years of structured exercise/athletics (be it soccer, football, track, volleyball, swimming, whatever) to a more sedentary college life. Walking back and forth from class even on a bigger campus doesn’t = those several times a week, intense bouts of exercise you had in high school. Not only does exercise change for many, but eating habits. Instead of family dinner items on the table, there is a whole cafeteria of options to slap on your plate. Dining hall hours that end on the early side (let’s say 7pm) result in an additional meal of calories around 11pm when you’re still going strong.
As parents, it would be good to make mention of the adjustment to student athletes who will now just be mainly “students”. Encourage them to take mental breaks and take a run, walk, toss a football or frisbee. After weekend visits send them back with a bag of apples, oranges or other grab and go healthier stuff.
Encourage them to find a new athletic/exercise activity. Maybe they won’t be on the football team anymore but they might take up leisurely tennis. Or recreational biking. It’s an opportunity to start setting the stage for lifetime fitness as an adult in general.
A lot of colleges have a healthy recreational sports department. They can still compete in intramural sports they love or try new ones. Clubs, greek organizations, dorm groups, etc. will form teams and compete all year in various sports. That would be a good thing to encourage.
Of course that is a great way to stay active, and I have a kid who did just that, played IM water polo, but there is problem with most IM sports - they are usually team sports. Swimming is more about racing against yourself with some team component. Not all who enjoy swimming or running would be thrilled to play ball sports, just saying.
Runners can run almost anywhere, and may be able to put running to good use (running to class to save time versus walking, running between back-to-back classes at opposite ends of campus).
My oldest had more trouble with weight gain once she started full time work after graduation. Working 10 hour day plus commute time and living in a city made making time for exercise difficult. Her only exercise was walking her dog. After a bit she realized that she was happy to walk to work versus taking the bus. She also avoided the company provided meals and brought her own lunch. Another issue was with the long days she wasn’t eating dinner till 9 at night or would eat the wrong foods because she was starved. When she moved and switched jobs she joined a gym that she could go to at lunch. She worked on having healthy meal options. Having more of a work life balance gave her the time to work on exercise and good health.
My other D has gained a lot of weight. Some because of medication but also she likes to cook and doesn’t get a lot of exercise. She has taken notice of my weight loss and knows I’m going to the gym. She admits she needs to lose some weight. She is starting to make some healthy cooking choices. She is frustrated though as she hasn’t lost weight but her bf has lost 10 lbs and he isn’t even trying. I have offered to pay for a gym or weight watchers for her but she isn’t ready. So for now I share good recipes that I think she will like. Recipes that aren’t diet food but healthy low carb high protein meals. I also sent her a few cookbooks that a friend recommended.
Your son is a senior in college. He’s like…21 or 22, right? His weight, his health, his bad habits, his choices, his body image comfort level…are really none of your business. He’s an adult. Respect that. I get that it’s tough. Of course you love him and want what’s best for him. Of course you want him to be healthy. Of course it’s tough to see loved ones make choices we don’t agree with…but that’s life. Love him, support him, and trust that he will do what’s in his best interest.
If he asks…enthusiastically tell him the things that worked for you. But if he doesn’t ask? This is not something you’re allowed to critique. Accept his choices and trust that if he feels there is a problem he’ll address it.
@MaryGJ, did you read all the posts? Or any but the first post? The OP addressed all of them. She did all of the things you suggested and HE brought the weight issue up.
I swear, by the logic by some in this thread, only the well-off should bother trying to lose weight and live healthier. Not everyone can get access to a doctor. Not everyone can afford the copay for something as trivial as a little weight gain.
deb922, yes, I did read all the posts. From a health standpoint, I get the concerns…absolutely. But it doesn’t negate the fact that asking for advice how to “fix it” is inappropriate. He’s an adult. He can be overweight if he wants to. I get the sense that this bothers mom more than it does son, and from a parenting standpoint…that needs to be reigned in. Sounds like he’s attracted to similar features in his partner…so it must not loom as big in his mind as mom’s.
I think that most of us would be concerned and maybe express concern in one way or another if a close family member is exhibiting behaviors that could be detrimental to health. There is a way to do it, a line perhaps to draw of how hard to hound it, but also I don’t think it should be considered “ok” to fully ignore health concerns of others.
Smoking, drug or alcohol abuse…and overeating can all be signs of addictive behavior. Or not. I don’t think OP is looking to have her S step on the scale each time he steps in the door - but as someone who cares about him, I respect her concern.
Update: I’ve “gotten over it” to some degree, and certainly made myself keep quiet about it when he visited at Christmas. We had a nice visit and his weight has not come up since. I was a bit surprised when he had his shirt off and I saw that he even has stretch marks - that’s how quickly he gained the weight - but still I kept my thoughts to myself. I just remind myself that he’s his own person now, and how I feel about other friends and loved ones who are heavy (so what? it’s of no moment - my brother was heavy for years, until he finally got prediabetic in his 50s and changed everything, and I never even thought much about it - he was always just “the family Santa Claus”), and I’ve pretty much come to terms with it. It was just the shock more than anything when I first learned of it, since it was kind of sudden and I’d just gotten so used to him being so trim and athletic.
So I was talking to him the other day about finances, and he mentioned that he and his partner have been trying to buy more fresh food and eat healthier. I just said, hey, that’s great! and left it at that. So, they’ll figure out what works for them. And I’ll keep loving him, however it goes.
I do appreciate all the advice and thoughts from everyone on here. Can’t believe I’ve been on here for 4 years.
My overweight son is also still overweight, but has lost a little and started working out again. His dad nags him. I try to offer positive reinforcement, like doing races with him. We enjoy running together and will match the other’s speed and chat. S will start a job in the fall, so we will see where that is and how well these habits hold up. I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t work out at first, then picks it up again.
It’s hard not to worry, right? DS2 and I had a talk about this recently. He knows he’s gained a fair amount of weight since graduation, especially in the fall and winter. And he knows I know. I didn’t say anything at Christmas when we were all together. When he brought it up, I’d try to be nonjudgmental and say kind of generic things that I’ve learned about myself, like you can’t out-train a poor diet. Well, he joined a gym and went a couple of times a week, but then a co-worker got him into hot boxing, like hot yoga. He loved the endorphin rush and now has joined that gym as well and is one of the gyms at least four or five times a week, running for cardio on the days he can’t box. I love when he calls after leaving the gym, because he’s in such a good mood and chatty!
Anyway, he had occasion to go through some old pictures, and he said he couldn’t believe how thin he was in HS when running cross country. And how he felt fat even then. We talked a lot about body dysmorphia, his and mine growing up. He has a high-pressure job with weird/long hours so he’s not eating as well as he should, especially eating enough protein for these new muscles he is seeking. But he’s a smart kid. I’m sure he’ll figure it out.
My older son really just doesn’t love food, but has a terrible diet. He eats decent lunches at work, but pizza and cold cereal at home. He used to get exercise by walking (he doesn’t drive), but he just doesn’t need to walk enough. He recently got a DDR machine. We can’t believe he’s getting exercise by dancing!
Younger son is in the Navy - apparently his next physical readiness test is coming up so he’s got to get back to running faster. He doesn’t mind the rest of the test, but he really hates running and he’s not very fast. (I ran faster than him when I was his age!) Luckily has a pretty healthy diet. He’s gained weight since his graduation from Officer Candidate School, but I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing.