Help for overweight son?

Parent Cafe
1

My son is a college senior. From age 7 or so through HS, he was a competitive swimmer, eventually finding that long-distance was his strength (e.g., 800M, 1500M swims, even 1-2 mile ocean swims). He competed at the state level, with many medals (though not D1 level). By senior year of HS, he was tired of it and basically quit after his senior HS season. By all accounts he was ripped, very low body fat, typical swimmer’s physique.

Went off to college. Stopped swimming (he said he planned on doing it for fitness/fun, but I think he made it to the pool about 3 times). Kept eating. Sat long hours at computer (he’s a CS major). Ate dorm food for 2 years, and lots of Subway/Jimmy Johns/Pizza after that. Said he was going to the gym. Probably did that about 3 times too.

He’s been steadily gaining weight, but not too horribly, for the past 3 years. However, today he let me know that he’s up to 200 lbs. (at 5’10") (this was in response to my letting him know my good news, that I’ve lost 17 lbs over the past few months - my weight had climbed at menopause and I finally got the motivation and did something about it, and hubby and I have both lost over the past 4 months or so). DS knows it’s a problem, and says he’s been trying to eat more “fresh food” and plans to go to the gym more. I’m thinking that he’s gained at least 20 lbs. since we last saw him in March (I didn’t ask his weight then, but I don’t think it could have been as much as 180 based on how he looked).

I’m really worried. Both my husband and I have struggled with our weight for our whole lives, but never been obese. We know how hard it is to lose it. DS is not blessed with the greatest genes in this regard, but I had hoped that his swimming would get him in the habit of exercising. I’m kind of sad when I think of how hard he worked for all those years, and to lose the physical benefits so quickly! Honestly, one thing that got me motivated to start eating less, back in May, was thinking that maybe if I lost some weight, it might motivate Ds to try also. (This was when he was a bit lighter, but trending upward - i was a little worried at spring break, but didn’t feel comfortable saying anything since I had gained about 20 extra lbs myself!)

I know not to “get on him” about it. I honestly want to help him - I know how bloody hard it is to lose weight, I have learned MUCH about the topic over the years, some things that really work and others that don’t seem to, pitfalls, etc., and I’d like to share it with him. But I don’t want to be too hovering or overbearing about it. I love him and don’t want him to suffer medical problems or even just the stress and pain of being so much overweight.

Help? What can/should I do? (We’re 4,000 miles away and will next see him at Christmas, then at graduation. After that, who knows? He won’t be moving home.) Any ideas?

(His partner is also heavy, both of them have gained a lot since they got together sophomore year.)

2

You are very right that you really cannot and should not say very much.
It is quite the compliment to you that he shared his worries with you.

Letting him know that you appreciate that he is concerned and you will support him however
he needs such as a gym membership. You could offer or surprise both him and his partner fit bits or the
like. Mainly all you can do is let him know that you give him support. He knows what he weighs and
how he feels and all your worry in the world will not motivate him but will easily make you stress eat :)>-
Just kidding…

3

I think you need to be careful. You could drive him away (and create a rift between you and his partner) with “gifts” like fit bits and gym memberships. Someone who decides to lose weight does not need those things – it can be done without them, and can only be done when they decide it is a priority. I’d serve and encourage healthy eating when you are with them, and something active together walks or hiking or something) when you are with them. You may feel you have to talk to him about it. I would do it ONCE (not once per visit or per year). Then I’d stop. He is a sovereign adult, and will just stop coming around if you talk about it.

4

I don’t know if this can help but if he goes for a regular physical each year maybe the doctor can help? We had a family friend who was in a similar situation with their son. The doctor really talked turkey with the young man and enlightened him on what was happening with his health if he didn’t make changes. Changes were made and it has been an amazing transformation. Maybe approaching this from a health standpoint is the way to go? This is a problem for so many in our country. You’re not alone.

5

I’d also like to point out that 200 pounds on a 5 10" body is not particularly overweight.

6

I would bring it up exactly once:

Honey, I’m so thrilled with my own weight loss. I look better, i feel better and I know I’m healthier.

If and when you ever want some tips on what worked for me, I’ll be happy to share. If not, then I promise not to bring it up again. Now, what’s going on with you?

7

My husband had a heart attack before he was 50. He wasn’t obese but he was overweight.

He’s talks to our kids not about weight but about being active and fit. Would your son be open if you brought up that angle? Maybe offer to pay for a personal trainer? I’m sure he can go to the schools gym for free but maybe he needs someone to personally account to.

My H is a former swimmer. In high school and college. You can eat a tremendous amount when young and swimming and it’s hard to cut back from that level of eating.

H is very open to talking to the kids about physical fitness than maybe I would be as mom. His nagging seems less nagging than mine.

8

If your son ever does ask for ideas (and only if he does), you might mention that Weight Watchers seems to work really well for men. Most groups are dominated by women, but the male minority often has the best results.

9

I’m in the same boat. DS graduated 2 years ago. He is about 5’11" and weighs probably 215 right now, he’s gained 10 to 15 l s in the last 6 months, I worry and worry about him, of course, his dad and I don’t have this problem, but those genes run in my family with cousins, my brother, etc.

Don’t say anything! My son knows. Your son knows. Saying something will just anger him. and put a distance between you. They need to know you love them just the way they are, unconditionally. My son does belong to a gym, but focuses on body building, more than taking off the fat. I see him try to do things like not eat cheese or bread, but then I see him gorge on ice cream when he comes over. I see him walk or run to the gym…a mile away. He knows!

One thing that is good is he sees us try to be physically fit, and when he comes over I try to fix healthy meals. He knows this is for us, not him, and he likes that,

There is nothing you can do, but not have junk in your house when he’s home. But if he goes to buy something…do not say anything. When he is ready to get serious about losing weight, he will. It’s so hard to stay quiet.

10

I have this issue, too. My S was a two sport athlete in HS. He was trim the first two years of college, then got a car and a new GF and ballooned. I was concerned when I saw him after a break because he had put on so much weight so quickly. Was he depressed? Was something wrong? No, he was just eating (and probably drinking) too much and exercising less.GF has also put on weight. She was a little heavy to start, has never been active, now is very heavy. I’d say S has gained thirty pounds over the last two years. He was normal weight to start.

H says something every time we see poor S, despite my shushing. Of course S knows he is fat. No need to tell him.

H and I are normal weight and active, but we both have obesity, diabetes, and heart disease in our backgrounds.

After two years of S’s weight going up, I did mention it in a gentle way (besides asking him if he was depressed in the beginning). I asked if he needed new clothes. He did, nothing fit, so I bought him new stuff. I think his seeing how much bigger his waist size was did affect him. I also told him what events I was competing (participating might be a better word) in and asked if he wanted to join me. He did. (We have a history of doing longer endurance events together. For a period I couldn’t. Now I am back, but slower.)

That’s where we stand now. S is still overweight, but has started to exercise again. I am trying to set a good example in my own eating and in getting back into shape. I tell him how I am training so that we can talk about that and compare notes. S does want to do events with me, so I plan on signing us up for a string of them. S likes weight lifting so I am encouraging that, too.

GF has also started exercising for the first time ever. That helps. I have praised her and sent her a few little gifts to help her along. S will go with her to some group exercise classes like spinning.

11

I would treat this like any chronic family condition–diabetes, addiction, etc. and say something like, “Our family has some genes that put us at risk for obesity. It isn’t fair, but we have to work harder than other people to avoid it. The earlier we start, the easier it is to stay fit. I’ve recently lost a lot of weight, but I regret that I put on those pounds in the first place because it cost me a great deal to get them off. You’re still young enough to avoid my situation, so if you want any advice from me, I’m happy to help.”

Then leave it.

ETA: I was also a swimmer, and do not come from an obese family, but when I quit swimming in college, I put on 20 lbs that my frame definitely did not need. The main issue was that I was used to eating like an athlete, and when I quit working out, my eating habits didn’t change. So I got fat. After I graduated, I lost the weight just by living a healthier lifestyle and never put it back on. Because your son has different genes, he will have to work harder to lose the weight and keep it off, but he is still young enough to reset his metabolism.

12

I agree with the one matter of fact talk. Tell him you would be happy to help with gym memberships or fitbits, but only if he (or they) would like it. I found it very hard to get enough exercise in college - and CS is one of those super time suck majors. The only CS course I took I was up to the wee hours regularly. I think I gained 15 pounds every year and lost them every summer for seven years. (Grad school was no better!)

13

In terms of whether it is risky from a health standpoint, some people of that height and weight are muscular athletes, while others are quite flabby. It is more likely that someone who does not exercise much is in the latter category, although there is some genetic component here. But height and weight alone are not sufficient to make an individual assessment (waist circumference versus height is a better quick look).

14

I was very fit at just under 200 lb as a 6’ female.

How much did he weigh when he was swimming?

15

Men do seem to talk more about athletic goals than weight.

16

Belly fat is often seen as subcutaneous fat, the type of fat the lies directly under your skin. Visceral fat is the unseen fat around your organs, which is often referred to as visceral abdominal fat. You can be skinny, but still have fat around your organs.

Ultimately, it’s your son who have to realize that his health is at risk. And as he ages, his body (shoulders, knees, ankles, back, etc.) cannot support the additional weight.

And I’m not sure joining a gym is the fix either. A high percentage of gym members essentially do almost nothing at the gym or they don’t go. A typical gym’s business philosophy is to sell gym memberships and hope members don’t show up. And even once a gym member shows up, the time spent on the endless variety of useless machines, treadmills, stair climbers will either bore the heck out of someone and they’ll stop going or just be unproductive and stop going.

Obviously, some movement is better than no movement, but we all know that America has an obesity epidemic. And more has to be done.

17

When D1 gained her freshman 10 in college, I offered to get her nutritionist to make sure she was eating properly. That was the only time we talked about it. She said no, but she was going to start watch what she ate and exercise more. She was a dancer growing up (20 hrs a week) and had to stop when she went off to college. It took her 6 months to get back to where she was. Both she and D2 exercise regularly now they are out of college.

The same thing happened to my friend’s swimmer son. He was a D1 swimmer in college for a year then quit. He continued to eat and drank a lot. He never got really fat, but just bulked up. I think my friend may have said something to him. Next time we saw him, he looked good. His younger sister was making fun of him about how he was treating his body like a temple - no more junk food, everything organic and healthy.

It is a touchy subject to talk about it with your kid or anybody. I was lucky that D1 was willing to listen and do something about it.

18

Just make sure your kiddo has an an annual physical including all the necessary bloodwork. My sons weight creeped up also…and his doctor suggested he lose some weight…not a lot…maybe 10 pounds.

Kid joined a gym, and goes regularly…and has modified his eating. He is getting there.

19

Get him to go to a gym and start lifting. It’s takes very little time to see real physical gains and that will keep him inspired. Works a lot better for guys than trying to eat salads and lose weight the hard way.

20

Exercise and diet go hand in hand. Lean protein, vegetables, good carbs, no desserts, no sodas and lots of water.

He doesn’t really even need a gym. Body weight exercises work great too. Pushups, lunges, air squats, properly picking up items off the floor (deadlift), walking, jogging, running, hiking, bicycling, burpees, carrying a “heavy” object from here-to-there, core exercises like crunches and its variants such as mountain climbers. Buy some exercise bands and progress towards pullups and dips, banded clam walks, etc. A gym isn’t really necessary unless you want to build upon the body weight exercises.

It’s all about motivation and will.