All of our family’s 20-somethings gained a considerable amount of weight, part of learning that at some point you can’t eat and drink whatever you want. Some are working on it, some are not. If OP has lost so much weight (17 lbs! wow!!! ) she already knows that the only motivation that lasts is internal. Nothing Mom says or does can motivate a son to go to a gym. I worry about mine as well, but try to never ever bring it up, and if he mentions it, I just stick to “how do you feel about that?” or " you must be really pleased with that progress".
Once he seems to be interested, it would be okay to gift accordingly, I think. Maybe kettlebells in addition to other holiday gifts, maybe a fitbit and challenge him to outwalk you (this has worked well with my siblings trying to get me moving, since I hate being last)
@sushiritto, all good and well, but the son isn’t the one who asked advice, He likely knows this perfectly well, but having someone just tell him again is probably not going to have the desired effect. The issue isn’t what to do. It is more what (if anything) to do as his parent.
Dealing with the same issue. My son, who is now 23, was a 2-sport/4 season athlete in HS, weighed 170 maybe. Now well over 200. He has bad weight genes on my side of the family. I too am concerned but have bit my tongue, and he has now fortunately taken it upon himself to make lifestyle changes. It’s hard because of his work schedule and long commute, but he is trying. His problem is eating too much take-out food. He has cut back a lot, but his success always depends on making sure he gets to the grocery store to buy the healthy, fresh food. And then take the time to prepare it and pack it for breakfast/lunch/snack. He’s pretty good about that, but it is dinner that kills him as he works 12 hour shifts and doesn’t get home until 8 pm. Too easy to eat crappy when you are exhausted and famished. He is really trying to find some exercise options that he enjoys and are sustainable. He does golf, but that’s not enough. He is NOT a gym person at all - hates solo exercise, would prefer doing something competitive. He had been playing in a roller hockey league which he loved, but his shift work schedule now makes that not possible. The good news is he is aware and trying - that’s a great first step! I only talk about it if he brings it up, but when he does I offer all kinds of support and encouragement. He has lost about 15 pounds and 2 notches on his belt buckle, so there is some forward progress! A real motivator has been his very keen interest to get back into the dating pool. He gained weight when he had a girlfriend for 2+ years, and after their split last year I think he realized he will have more luck finding another girlfriend if he shapes up!
@intparent And that’s why I said it’s about “motivation and will.” All the gym memberships and fitbits in the world won’t have the desired effect. He has to want to do it. And I’m not sure a parent can help beyond giving him some encouraging words at the appropriate moment(s).
That’s been my experience. There was a time when I was out of shape. My motivation came from an insulting remark.
When I came back from home for the summer after living away in the dorm, I told my mom the dorm dryer shrank all my clothes, which I really thought it had. She said no, you gained a bunch of weight. I got rid of the weight (about 20 pounds) over the summer and was much more careful about not over-eating in the dorm thereafter. It was really about awareness and SELF-motivation.
I’m sorry for all those who struggle with this with their loved ones. Don’t let it be a wedge or weapon.
S is 6’-1" tall. He got up to 285 pounds. He decided he was sick of it and lost all the weight. I had NOTHING to do with it. I think a girl was the motivation for him. He recently ran 4 miles in 32 minutes. I couldn’t believe it! He was as slow as his mother when he was in high school. I’m so proud of him. He just completed a 30-km hike in the mountains of Lebanon this weekend. He was up over 6,000 feet in elevation, too.
I know if I had said anything, it would have backfired.
The will and motivation the OP needs is the will and motivation to be silent. Nagging an adult to lose weight is not a way to make that adult lose weight, and any talk from the OP about weight loss will be perceived as nagging.
I think it may be worse for women than men, but my daughter has the exact same problem. She did gymnastics growing up then went to boarding school, then in college things just got worse when she had to cook for herself or eat out.
What helped her was a personal trainer. We jump started it by getting her one over the summer. Now she says her college also provides them. Keep talking about it. Talking about it is better than not. He probably has a lot of worries and knows he needs help.
I agree with others that motivation has to be internal. Also for guys, I think we do better with sports vs exercise (e.g. playing tennis vs working out in the gym). You might feel him out on whether he has any interest in other sports, like martial arts, racquetball, running, soccer, etc, and if so then encourage him to give them a whirl.
One area that might help is teaching him how to cook. Every time D is home, she helps me cook and I know she uses those skills to cook for herself when she’s back at school. Cooking skills with a repertoire of healthy recipes will go a long way to helping with lifetime weight control and healthy choices. I set D up with everything she needed for cooking including pots and pans, knives, etc to make it as easy as possible.
^^What was said in #29 and #30. I would bet the person saying “Thank you, I appreciate your advice” would be an extremely rare reaction. Even if the person was polite enough to respond that way, I would still think there would be some hurt feelings. People know when they’re overweight and what to do about it - they don’t need to be told. No matter how gentle the wording, what is being said is: “You don’t look as good as you used to.”
Overweight young adult here who was skinny up through my early 20s.
You know what I would do if my parents, who I love and like very much, kept nagging me about my weight? Avoid them.
I know I’m big. I don’t need people pointing it out. I have started to make small changes on my own and am losing weight. My parents now tell me how proud they are every time they see me or I drop a size or I announce a new weight loss goal achieved.
Don’t throw a bunch of suggestions at him or tell him what to do. Honestly, I almost gave up my weight loss goal when a few posters on here decided to tell me everything I was doing wrong (and not doing enough of) on the weight loss buddy thread.
As the OP said: he knows. He doesn’t need mom or dad to tell him or nag him. He will not lose the weight until he is motivated to lose the weight.
For me, it took a doctor telling me I have a much better shot of pregnancy if I lose weight. We all have our own motivations but it has to be an internal, not external, motivation.
I agree that we all have our own motivations. This young man sounds very bright and has already figured out what is going on and knows that you are there for him as a resources if and when he wants to reach out. Love the kid on the couch, even if you would rather he be out exercising or swimming or ???
Thanks for all the thoughts and ideas. I hated it when my mom would occasionally mention that she’d noticed that I’d “put on a few,” but it actually motivated me, and never drove me away from her. (I wish she were around to see that I finally got motivated this last time, since she happened to die just when I thought menopause had finally done me in, weight-wise. Oh, well.) But he’s not me and I’m not her, I have to remember that. He also struggles with anxiety and depression, and I’ve always been optimistic and upbeat. So I can’t draw comparisons there, and I don’t want to stress him out.
For now I’m keeping my trap shut. I might ask him if he’d like a fitbit or smart watch, since he likes gadgets and I don’t know what to get him for Christmas. But I’m going to wait for him to bring up the subject (of weight or fitness) first.
For the poster who asked what he weighed when he was swimming, I honestly don’t remember, but I think maybe around 150 or 160? Maybe less, I’m not sure.
See, I still think you are making a mistake by asking him if he wants a Fitbit. He is hearing loud and clear that you think he’s fat and are noticing it enough to mention it, however slyly it sounds. I know you mean well, but they aren’t young kids anymore where we can pull that stuff and they aren’t aware. I say buy one for yourself and let him notice it, if he mentions it, says he wants one…then I think that’s different.
Am I the only one here that doesn’t think #200 at 5’10 is a big problem? For a young man, that extra 20# or so will fall off once he realizes that he is uncomfortable, both physically and otherwise. It sounds as though he and his partner just aren’t paying attention right now, probably enjoying each others’ company over meals that aren’t as healthy as they should be. There is also the learning curve at his age to buy and prepare nutritious meals.
I would not say anything and I would stop worrying. My D, who tends to be on the curvy side, decided on her own at 16 to try WW and she slimmed right down after about 12 weeks (#20 I believe). She is now a junior in college with her own apartment and attempting to cook meals for the first time on her own. We all know pasta is an easy staple and it takes willpower to walk away from something so easy, quick, and affordable, not to mention delicious lol. She has gained a few pounds but realized herself that she needs to pull back.
Give him time. I bet he’ll realize how important being healthy is. Its really not about the numbers. If he was always active he’ll get back to it. People who are overweight already know this, they own mirrors. There is nothing another person can say or do to motivate them. They must want it bad enough themselves.
If he brings it up, ask him how he feels about it.
If he expresses an interest in losing the weight or bafflement as to how to do it, feel free to offer advice. But otherwise, I would tread carefully and silently.
As a woman whose mother usually commented on her weight (oh, you look like you have lost a little weight) at every meeting after an absence, that “caring” always felt like judgement.
His doctor will bring it up in a medical context.
I understand your concern, but most people are aware of their weight and aware of what needs to be done to change it. Having someone else chime in, however lovingly, does little except make one feel bad.
