Help for overweight son?

Parent Cafe
41

I think the Fitbit gift could work. You haven’t brought up his weight and he likes gadgets. You have just lost a good amount of weight and are excited about exercise. You wouldn’t give him the gift and say “here fatso, use this.” You would give it and say “isn’t this great?! I have one and it is so much fun to track my activity.” Then let it go. Don’t ask him if he is using it.

You know him best. If he will be insulted by the gift, don’t give it. If his love of gadgets would make it perfect, do it.

What does an Apple watch do? Or one of the high end Garmins? A smart watch that does more than track steps would be even better (if more expensive). Don’t they get texts and phone calls, too? More gadgety and not just about fitness tracking.

42

@NEPatsGirl several people have pointed out that 200 lb isn’t necessarily a problem. See post 4 for example.

43

As others have chimed in, I disagree 100%, from my own experience. I KNOW I need to lose weight. Having other people TELL me I do is no help at all - it just makes me want to reach for a donut!

44

If someone who had just recently lost a bunch of weight and tried to advise me with unsolicited weight loss wisdom, I’d be so annoyed. It’s like being approached by someone who has just converted to a new religion and wants everyone else to know “the truth.” Anyone can lose weight. Only 2-5% keep it off permanently. That makes experts of very few, and really, they only know how all that is relevant to their own body and their own metabolism.

I agree with those that say do not keep bringing up his weight, and for sure don’t nag. If he comes to you, then you can share your own story.

45

5’10" and 200# may or may not be a problem, but I’d guess it is, since the OP brought the subject up.

There’s one relatively easy way to tell. There are body fat % charts all over the Internet. If he were willing and also located near a hydrostatic or DEXA body fat test facility, then he could find out his body fat % for a small fee ($40-$50) and about 10 minutes of his time. Or absent that, a skilled trainer at a local gym can usually measure his body fat % with the old-style caliper method.

46

An even easier quick look is how his waist at the navel compares to half his height. At 70" height, a waist greater than 35" is likely to be if concern health wise.

47

So, you’re saying 34" waist is not a concern. :))

I forgot to add that that these other more “elaborate” tests will provide the “contestant” with much other useful info like calorie intake/burn/metabolic rate, bone density, etc. The truck(s) run around the Sacramento and SF Bay Area almost year round, if your son is local.

But I’ll reiterate what I said earlier, your son has to be motivated internally or externally. The body fat test is a little like going to the doctor, there’s a part of you that just doesn’t want to know the answer.

48

I gained about 30 pounds in college, though in my case I was actually going to the gym more often. I was at a similar weight your son is at, at 5’9" and 185 but probably a lot less muscle since I never played sports. I think the problem for me at least, was that on one hand I could stand to lose weight, but I wasn’t obese. So I was very resistant to things like, counting calories, because I felt as if that was an extreme measure for someone like me. But in the end , that was the way I lost all the weight I gained. So although it would have been annoying to get unsolicited advice, it would be nice to have gotten reassurance that counting calories wasn’t weird, if that’s what worked for me.

49

I don’t know if this has been brought up already, but he may need a thyroid screen. Lots of young adults can have autoimmune thyroid conditions. Maybe starting with PCP is a good idea if he is due for a physical.

50

S2 is 6’4" and 275. He carries it well, but he has bad genetics thanks to his parents. :frowning: He loves to cook and is seriously good at it; has no desire to diet. He is on his feet all day for work (but because he’s driving around town, that has meant he hits fast food more than he used to) and also plays floor hockey a couple times a week. He and DH (who is morbidly obese) have seen my issues and my significant weight loss, but it didn’t motivate either of them to join me. Sigh.

S1 was painfully thin (5’11" and 122 lbs at college graduation), but his employer keeps him well fed and he is now about 155-160. He was close to 180, but he kicked up the exercise and lost it. He dances, runs with a friend, and rides his bike to work.

Will admit to bugging S1 about eating more. I talk to S2 about more exercise since he recognizes it also helps his emotional health. DH ignores my pleas for him to take care of himself.

51

If he asks for help and advice, there are several potential obstacles that have not been mentioned yet. Even if he is sufficiently motivated, he may simply not know how to eat healthy. It’s not nearly as obvious as it seems, especially for a young competitive athlete, so he may need a refresher on reading food labels, estimating portion sizes and nutritional values of different food groups etc. He may also not know how to shop for healthy food and how to cook, so he may need some help with sample shopping lists, easy healthy recipes etc. Lastly, he may not have sufficient budget to eat healthy, and many students tend to save money on food shopping. If you can afford it, you may want to subsidize his groceries shopping using gift cards that can only be used in certain stores, or to arrange home delivery.

52

@preppedparent while getting a physical is never a bad idea, 20 lb over 3 years doesn’t really scream autoimmune and/or thyroid disorder.

Just don’t want the OP to add that to already existing anxiety :slight_smile:

53

Nice to see the different points of view here.

HE brought it up, he knows/feels that it is a problem. I know that when he was at about 180 (I think that was where he was back in March, last time I saw him), he looked “pudgy” to me; nothing to worry about, but as I haven’t seen him, and he’s put on 20 lbs in 7 months, AND HE MENTIONED IT as if it was a problem, I’m considering it a “problem”. Not a HUGE problem, but a problem.

I have a smart watch, and have for years. Use it for all sorts of things, including tracking steps. It’s not accurate to the real world, but great for comparing to itself (i.e., if my average is 6000, and I did 8000 today, that’s a good day; or if I did 4000, not so good). I’ve slowly increased my average from about 4000/day to about 8000/day, over time. I was an early adopter of the smart watch, along with my niece. We talk about them a lot and we both got upgrades one Christmas. It would not at all be weird or “obvious” if I got him one, or asked him about it.

I have talked about my efforts to lose weight a LOT over the years. NOT talking about my own weight loss and my efforts to do so would be more odd than talking about it with family members, including DS.They laugh at me and my “Diet Power” computer program (so old that it doesn’t even have an app version for phones), but they know it’s the only thing that works for me. AND that I’m not forcing it on anyone, nor do I think it (or anything else) will necessarily work for anyone. I TOTALLY AGREE that INTERNAL MOTIVATION is the single MOST important, and necessary, factor. It’s just that now that he has expressed to me that he HAS this motivation, I am wondering about the best way to talk about it.

Another thing that y’all (and others IRL) have reminded me of is that it’s much easier to drop weight (a) when you’re young and (b) when you’re male. My DH used to drop 5-10 lbs just by, in his words, “not eating for a few days” (which meant cutting down a bit on the sweets and snacks). Whereas even when younger, I would lose about 1 lb. a week by carefully counting and tracking everything I eat and do, and it’s even harder now - I swear my metabolism drops to zero if I even think about dieting. Some people may have different experiences, but this seems to be a general consensus. I gained about 20 lbs in college and pretty easily lost it over the next few years. So I am going to try not to stress about this too much. I honestly think that a big part of it is just about feeling like I tried so hard to help him establish good habits with respect to exercise, and to encourage him to keep fit as a child and teen (as both DH and I were heavy as pre-teens [by 1960s-70s standards, not so much by today’s] and somewhat miserable about it, and wanted to save him from that fate), with the hope that it would carry over into adulthood, and I’m sad that it didn’t. Heck, maybe he is just rebelling against my insistence that he do SOMETHING active (swimming having been his choice) when he was young, now that he has the freedom to do so. Damn, parenting is hard.

54

Just chiming in to say that losing weight is 80% done in the kitchen. I would imagine he is still eating like a swimmer (lots of calories) and hasn’t learned enough about eating healthy - most young people have not. Plus it is cheaper to eat carbs rather than veggies (in the short run).

Exercise is great and should be part of his regular routine, but if he does reach out for help, I would also mention nutrition. He may be thinking a big plate of pasta is healthy when some roasted veggies and a small piece of beef would be better.

55

Trying for athletic goals (e.g. run/swim/bicycle/etc. further/faster, be more competitive in basketball/soccer/tennis/etc., lift heavier weights, etc.) may be a stronger motivation to exercise and eat more healthily than just “losing weight”.

56

@romanigypsyeyes We’ll have to agree to disagree. Significant weight gain…always look for a sluggish thyroid. You could be mis-treating the condition. Easy to screen. PCP always a good place to start.

57

Prepped, I did say that it’s never a bad idea to go to a PCP, but that weight gain is absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. I’m the first one to say go to a PCP and demand an ANA test if you think that you have an autoimmune disease.

I’m painfully, intimately aware of both thyroid problems and autoimmune disease. I just don’t want the OP worrying that her child has Hashimotos or something. I know what just having that possibility out there can do to a parent’s anxiety levels. That’s all.

58

There may be real reasons for weight gain that don’t include overeating that need to be ruled out.

59

Agree with romani. No wonder healthcare costs are so high. If the OP’s son’s weight doesn’t respond to a change in eating and exercise habits, sure, go to a PCP and they might suggest running a battery of tests. But, OP has said that her son was a former athlete who has stopped regular exercise and hasn’t really adjusted his eating habits (plus due to age probably has a few drinks now and then which can add to weight gain in young adults due to increased calorie intake). He’s young and seems otherwise healthy. His weight gain isn’t unusual given the situation.

As they like to teach medical interns: When you hear hoof bears, think horses not zebras.

60

A significant decrease in exercise while maintaining similar eating habits would be the extremely obvious and most likely explanation. Agree with #56 and #58 here.