<p>Nothing has changed. Seven months after (barely) graduating from one of country’s top colleges, Son is still unemployed and still living in expensive apartment in expensive city. Stafford loan repayments start in January. Rent due again at start of month. Son says the psychologist I arranged for him to see (on my insurance plan) has diagnosed anxiety and had him take deep brain stimulation treatments. Still no job. Son says psychologist doesn’t seem too worried about son’s ongoing unemployment. (Of course, psychologist is making $400 per session.)</p>
<p>I know I cannot give son any more financial assistance, and my ex/son’s father says he won’t either. (Although insurance for his car and his cell phone are still on his father’s plan.) It is (past) time for Son to sink or swim, since nothing else has motivated him to get a job, any job.</p>
<p>But I feel physically sick right now with fear, despair, sadness and worry. What is it going to take to get me through this? Do I need to see a counselor or psychologist or psychiatrist to get some sort of drugs and/or therapy to help me forget or stop worrying so much? Over time and with less contact with an adult son, will a mother’s concerns lessen? (I have only talked to son a couple times a month.) Any suggestions or insights appreciated.</p>
<p>This is sending off alarms and red flags. You need to clarify the treatment your son is receiving (through your son, the practitioner won’t speak to you). Deep brain stimulation involves surgery to place electrodes in your brain, in addition to a small neurotransmitter similar to a pacemaker which is usually placed near your collar bone. It is used for for major, treatment resistant, depression (in addition to ease symptoms of Parkinson’s and OCD). Perhaps your son is receiving a totally non-invasive treatment that stimulates parts of the brain via magnets called transcranial magnetic stimulation? This is done in the practitioners office.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s possible for any loving parent to keep from worrying about a troubled child or to stop caring about a difficult situation. But you need help in coping with your emotions if they are physically making you ill.</p>
<p>Most kids, if faced with sink or swim, will ultimately choose to swim once they realize no one is going to rescue them.</p>
<p>You might start with counseling and see where this leads. I’d also encourage you to start an exercise program if you don’t already have one. I know that the treadmill saved my sanity during the worst crisis my family ever faced. It didn’t solve any of the problems, just helped me cope.</p>
<p>I’m sure you will get some other great ideas here. Good luck.</p>
<p>EDIT: I also agree with above: see if you can get clarification on the DBS treatment.</p>
<p>It’s hard to be specific in response to your post without knowing what the current arrangement between you and your son is, as well as what understanding you have about how things are going to change in January and how rent/loans will be managed. </p>
<p>However, regardless of the particulars, this is a lot to sort through and I think any parent would be concerned about the situation. Perhaps having someone to talk to yourself would give you some additional support and tools for coping. In general, the more non-emotional facts parents can bring to situations like this, the better. "As of x time, I will be providing y for you, but no longer providing a, b, c. It will be up to you to … " All of this can work only if you mean it and can stay the course. </p>
<p>Young adults with this type of pattern usually spend a lot of energy “playing the system” and letting others feel the discomfort they should be feeling. Counseling can help get you out of the loop so that he can own his life and hopefully, you can be more at peace with your role and less anxious. Best with this.</p>
<p>I apologize, in my haste to respond to one aspect of your post, I didn’t really get to much of the rest.</p>
<p>You’ve gotten very good advise. I believe a counselor of your own might help you process your own feelings on the matter. You would be able to give them a bigger picture maybe and work towards a healthy balance of what is your comfort zone. Every family dynamic is going to be different. All that matters is what works for you and helps your son move forward.</p>
<p>Agree with travelnut. You should lay out to him what you will be willing to do and when in the future. After many months of perhaps unconditional support, it is rough to just suddenly stop. It will seem more fair to you if you lay out a plan to reduce support and then stick to it. The first reduction will be a shock since it is not expected and there may be an emotional response. By the next scheduled reduction you may see some movement, particulalry if you stick to your guns. </p>
<p>What level of support you lay out is up to you and your comfort level. For us we were willing to let them come home but would not support a separate apartment. Others would have a different level. You only need to justify to your self.</p>
<p>Is he asking for help?
How is he paying his expenses if he isnt working?
Dont understand why he is living in expensive city, unless perhaps that is where he attended college?
Whose name is on the lease?
Have never heard of brain stimulation for anxiety, wouldn’t Drs usually try behavior modification &/or xanax first?</p>
<p>At this point, I would tell him that it is time to come home and get the treatment he obviously needs for his mental health issues.</p>
<p>If his mental health issues are legitimate, and I certainly believe they are, treatment should be the first and foremost consideration. But treatment can be pursued at home, without the extra expense of an expensive apartment in an expensive city. Being in the away apartment is not benefitting him either as a means to getting a job or for getting treatment . At the same time, being away in the apartment deprives him of the support and engagement of his family as he works to get better.</p>
<p>I may be misinterpreting, but it seems as if the son is rather cavalier in his attitude toward his treatment…that he is not taking it seriously. Maybe he is afraid that if he gets well…he will need to get a job, and that IS anxiety inducing?</p>
<p>He might do a lot better at home, where his treatment can be monitored, where the big steps he needs to take might not seem so big and anxiety inducing. And if he doesn’t like being at home, well, maybe he will be motivated to do what he needs to do as to treatment and therapy so he is strong enough to stand on his own and pursue employment. And then once he has employment…maybe he can go after regaining that expensive apartment in the expensive city. </p>
<p>But right now, he doesn’t need that. He wants it, certainly. But we don’t give our children everything they want just because they want it. We prioritize needs and wants…a lesson that he needs to learn.</p>
<p>I misspoke/wrote: The treatment son has been getting is not-so-deep-brain stimulation. TMS or something like that. Son has not provided much information on it. </p>
<p>Son had been living off graduation gift money until November, when a roommate paid his share of rent because he was out of money. He visited his father for Thanksgiving, and when his Dad asked him about his finances, his Dad gave him money to pay roommate back for November’s rent and to pay December’s rent. Both his father and I have told son we can give him no more money, he needs to get a job, any job, and support himself. That has not happened. I assume roommate or roommate’s parents have signed the lease. We have not.</p>
<p>Son is legally an adult so I can’t “make” him move home or get a job or anything else. Nothing I or his father or his siblings have said or done has inspired him to become self-supporting. (His grades were poor and I’m guessing his references are less than glowing, so finding a job in his field would not be easy.) I fear he will eventually get kicked out of the apartment or have a mental health crisis that forces him to move home. </p>
<p>In the meantime, I need to figure out how to deal with how helpless and hopeless I feel about this situation. Mental health resources are limited where I live. Is a therapist or a psychologist or psychiatrist (if I can find one) my best bet?</p>
<p>I saw a psychologist for anxiety issues while I was doing my first post-college job hunt. A large part of what we did was job hunt coaching and helping me work through strategies and get applications done at times when it was pretty discouraging. There are a lot of good a bad therapists out there. I’m not sure that any kind of brain stimulation is a very common treatment for anxiety and if your son feels like this is a big issue for him, I’d suggest that he see somebody else.</p>
<p>I was also temping and working a few different part time jobs at times. I did sometimes need support from my parents but fortunately that was very rare. Is he in a field where that kind of work is a possibility? Other option is retail or something like that or going home. If he’s on a lease, he’ll need to find someone to replace him if he does go home.</p>
<p>I wish I could be more helpful. Very confused how psychologist receives $400/hr if on your insurance plan (generally, $70-140). As Blue said, TMS is noninvasive, but only done in psychiatrists’ office who are trained and have the very expensive equipment. I’ve only known this done when depression so severe, medications not helping, and even when inpatient treatment not successful. This is out of the realm of psychologists.</p>
<p>Please, see a local psychologist to get clarification. Have your son sign a release so the two professionals can speak to each other.</p>
<p>The TMS is the second treatment I spoke of. It’s noninvasive, but again for treatment resistant depression. For successful therapy you must have treatments daily for several weeks, then tapering down. Insurance companies have been resistant in covering it. I would be concerned of the efficacy in using this treatment for anxiety, especially if other methods haven’t been tried first. </p>
<p>It sounds like your family has tried to support without enabling your son. He’s an adult and you can keep encouraging him to find a job, and not give funds for an expensive apt, but you can’t keep him from spending his money until its gone and the goodwill of rm’s is spent. Keep communication open as you have. </p>
<p>You haven’t done anything (wrong), and you can support, but you can’t fix this. All you can do is manage your feelings which you seem to ‘get’. Ideally you’d have a therapist or counselor for talk therapy and a psychiatrist if you needed meds. A psychiatrist will diagnose and prescribe you meds, but rarely will they also provide therapy…unless you are willing to pay an arm and a leg. You may only need a good therapist and your GP to prescribe something. YMMV.</p>
<p>note: I crossed posts with bookworm and agree with her statements re TMS.</p>