HELP! How to convince my mom...

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hello CC. I have been reading this site for months now to answer all of my college questions, but I now need personal advice.</p>

<p>Here is the situation: I am seriously overweight, morbidly obese. I have overweight for my entire life and in the morbid stage ever since I can really remember. Two summers ago I began seeing a nutritionist by the request of my pediatrician who has always hounded me for my weight. The last time I saw him, almost 2 years ago, he said I should get weight loss surgery. I figured since I had never fully devoted any serious time to weightloss, I should do that first, then see where I stand. That summer I lost over 30 lbs through much hard work and dedication. Essentially, that summer I devoted ALL of my time to losing weight. After school started again, I hit a wall. I was unable to attend the gym as often as during the summer, and the stresses of school impacted my eating habits. Over time, I slowly regained the weight I lost that summer. Last summer I did a summer program where I could not ficus entirely on weight loss, and so I did not lose that much. I now weigh more than what I weighed from 2 summers ago and I am now choosing weight loss surgery as my life saving option.</p>

<p>After I gained back the weight last year, I decided to go to an information session of a bariatric surgery group with my mom. The session was very informative and I learned all about the different surgery options. My mom, who was not interested in going at all in the first place, did not really show much enthusiasm at the session. After that session, she said that if I joined Weight Watchers, I would lose a lot of weight…</p>

<p>Let me tell you about my mom now: My mom is totally my bff. Like me, she has been overweight for a long time. Once, a summer a few years after college, she lost 80 lbs and was really skinny, this was a few years after college, but has since gained it back. She eventually had two kids, and so her weight once again became a problem. She is a perennial Weight Watchers member: she joins for a few months or so, loses weight steadily, then hits a wall/doesn’t have time for weight watchers and then she gains the weight back. </p>

<p>After that info session, the topic of surgery dropped for a while. I started it up again by visiting one of the bariatric surgeons BY MYSELF (scheduled the appointment, called the insurance) and he said that I would be a great candidate for surgery. He said that it was great that I came to him now as a 17 year old, or else he would be seeing me as a 25 year old weighing 200+ lbs more. I couldn’t have agreed with him more! I then went one more time with my dad in September who heard the same story from the surgeon: he now agrees that I should have the surgery as well.</p>

<p>So, the pediatrician, the surgeon, my nutritionist, and my dad all agree that I should have the surgery. The biggest obstacle remains my mom who is still opposed. She believes that the surgeon who we saw is just a businessman looking to make money. My response is that, yes! he is trying to run a business and make money just like EVERYBODY ELSE who owns a company. He is a nice guy, knowledgeable as a doctor and a good guy.<br>
Her other excuse is that she knew someone whose brother died from complications in gastric bypass surgery. My response: the surgery that I want to get is safer AND the doctor who I have works in THE SAFEST hospital in my state and he has THE LOWEST percentage of complications (so if her main concern is safety, she should not be too worried).
She still claims that I should do Weight Watchers, but as my nutritionist said, 1 out of 20 people will lose weight and keep it off. She said that she has only seen one or two people who have lost 100+ lbs on their own and kept it off in her career. I would have to lose much more than that. I would rather have the surgery, lose a lot of weight, and keep it off for good.</p>

<p>So please CC, how should I convince my mom? I am out of ideas. I can only get so far on my own. My mom is the primary breadwinner in our family and in control of the health insurance. My insurance covers the surgery but I just need to get my mom on board. ANY input is greatly appreciated and I thank you in advance for your suggestions.</p>

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<p>I don’t recommend gastric bypass. My sister-in-law almost died from it and ended up having to have surgery to put her digestive tract back to the way nature intended it to be. A few years ago, a local pastor died from gastric bypass surgery complications. She left behind a husband and son.</p>

<p>Perhaps try the lap band first. It’s relatively easily adjusted and/or reversed. In addition, your psychological health plays a big part in easting disorders. Get some counseling and try to figure out the triggers and reasons for your food choices and overeating. </p>

<p>Please, think long and hard before jumping into gastric bypass surgery. It is not a quick fix.</p>

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<p>When do you turn 18? As a practical matter, as soon as you are 18 you won’t need your mom’s permission for the surgery … though of course it would be nice to have her emotional support.</p>

<p>Note re post #2: the OP wrote that “the surgery that I want to get is safer” than gastric bypass, so I am assuming that she is NOT planning on a gastric bypass procedure. I don’t know enough about other options to guess at the specific surgery she is considering.</p>

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<p>I have to agree with nysmile. The lap band and a focused health routine is far safer. Even if you can convince your mother to do gastric bypass, if you don’t change your behaviors you will gain it back. Begin an exercise program before you do anything so that you will have time to develop those habits that would make any surgery (lap band or gastric) a success. Your age does make you a good candidate. Even with insurance, are there going to be out of pocket expenses? Maybe if you can raise enough to cover it, you should wait until you are 18 when you will not need your mother’s permission.</p>

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<p>Your mother sounds afraid. </p>

<p>It will be important for you and your mother to really consider all of the risks and complications and make an informed decision. There are risks associated with morbid obesity but they usually occur in later life. There are also short and long term risks associated with bariatric surgery. The bariatric surgeon is going to promote bariatric surgery. Not surprisingly, surgeons tend to believe in the surgery they do, and will emphasize the positives and down play the negatives. Bariatric surgery is not a cure and it requires chronic follow-up and vitamin supplementation. Many people have some side effects (such as dumping syndrome) that may not be considered severe by the surgeon but may be very uncomfortable and unpleasant.</p>

<p>So please look at both sides. Understand that your mother wants the best for you. </p>

<p>Instead of trying to convince her, consider listening. She is much more likely to listen to you if you first hear her out. Find out all of her concerns about the surgery. It may be useful for her to hear a doctor (your pediatrician) outline the risks associated with morbid obesity. </p>

<p>What is the surgery you’d like to get?</p>

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<p>There was a very interesting article in the NYTimes Magazine today about diet and weight loss- specifically about the difficulty-almost impossibility- for some people with certain genetic dispositions to achieve and especially maintain weight loss.
[NY</a> Times Magazine - The New York Times](<a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/pages/magazine/index.html]NY”>The New York Times Magazine - The New York Times)</p>

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<p>I know 2 people who died shortly after having gastric bypass surgery, and two more people who gained back the weight within 6-7 years. You’ve proven you can lose weight, so try it again. This surgery is just not worth the risks.</p>

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<p>It would be ideal if you could actually look at the data rather than go by anecdotes.</p>

<p>Here is a meta-analysis (basically a study that examines the results of many studies), which shows the mortality rate for bariatric surgery, of various kinds (restrictive which is stapling or banding), open surgery and laproscopic). The results are very similar: about a half a percent, or 1 in every 200. That may or may not be a risk you or your mom want you to take. And of course the actual probability for individuals will not necessarily be the average found across large groups.</p>

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<p>Here is another study that provides evidence that mortality is LESS for those that have the surgery than those that do not (I’m assuming they did matched controls). Also there is some comparison of outcomes for both gastric banding and gastric by-pass. I don’t know what these are but the results are about the same according to this data as well.</p>

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<p>Your doctor should be able to tell you and your parents the risks involve in some detail.</p>

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<p>THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SINCERE COMMENTS!</p>

<p>I will DEFINITELY not get gastric bypass… I thought I made that clear from my first post. But if not, I am saying it now.</p>

<p>The surgery that I am interested in getting is a newer surgery called Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. It is safer than the gastric bypass, but more effective than a lap band (not as safe as a lap band which is the most minimally invasive). The sleeve I think is the best of both worlds between a band and gastric bypass.</p>

<p>I am turning 18 in 1 month. Ideally, I would like to get the surgery over winter break (president’s week, maybe the Friday before) in February which would be possible if I get really serious.</p>

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<p>I would ask the surgeon for information/studies/statistics about the numbers of patients who lost weight and MAINTAINED the weight loss from the procedure he is proposing. Would also ask him more about how many he has done over what period of time & what the results for the patients were in terms of how much weight was lost and for how long for his patients.</p>

<p>Not dying is of course important, but also very important is what YOU will do to lose and maintain your weight loss. I don’t see this being addressed by you OR the surgeon. Part of it depends on you figuring out why you eat, exercise, and any counseling that will help you make new and better choices.</p>

<p>The surgery, any surgery, is only ONE part–you can work on the other parts now and that will help you, regardless of you mom’s stance.</p>

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<p>One friend is considering this surgery and found it takes a great deal of followup – and someone willing to be a nurse/assistant for several weeks after the surgery. Who would do this for you? If you are thinking “Mom” then that might be part of her reluctance. If she’s working she doesn’t need/want to be a nurse too. </p>

<p>Good for you for realizing you need to do something majorly different in your life. I am a bit concerned that you may be having some “magical” thinking in which you think this surgery is going to “fix” your life. That usually is not the case (at all). </p>

<p>Instead of “just do it MY way”, why not meet your mother part way? Say that you will give an honest, 100% go at Weight Watchers – and you’ll do it with her. Give it a major league effort (and then some) – because by doing so you can also help HER build new habits. Agree that you will give Weight Watchers plus exercise a concerted six month try and, in return, you ask her to view the surgery with an open mind in six months. If you “fail” at giving a 100% effort at Weight Watchers, then you will NOT ask about the surgery. </p>

<p>This gives you a sincere push to try it her way. If you are obese, even a successful six months at Weight Watchers is still going to give you more to do. The surgeon will be very happy to still do the surgery if you’ve lost 50 lbs. </p>

<p>Respect your mom. Help your mom. Give up the notion that there is a “President’s Day weekend fix”. Those steps might help your mother feel you have the maturity to make good decisions and that may be the key here.</p>

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<p>It would make a LOT more sense to consider doing this at the beginning of summer vacation, AFTER you’ve done an honest 100% effort at Weight Watchers. As was posted above, it WILL be a lot of work and you will need some help in recovery. We had a neighbor who had the surgery for health reasons but it requires tremendous discipline for the rest of her life and she can only eat VERY SMALL portions for the rest of her life. It is something that is best when you have the maturity to do all it entails to be as successful as possible.</p>

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<p>My objection to Weight Watchers is it allows desserts of a type which should not be considered food. The freezer case in the grocery store features “Weight Watchers” treats which are full of chemicals and also do not allow your taste buds to be weaned away from sweets.</p>

<p>There are nutritionists and nutritionists. I would try to find someone who could counsel you on a complete change of diet that would allow you to fix your broken metabolism. Make natural veggies & protein the centerpiece of your diet, not carbs. Forget ANYTHING with any form of refined sugar in it…sugar is not food. White flour is refined carbs–bad.</p>

<p>I say this without knowing what sort of diets you have been on, but obviously if you fell off the diet wagon, it wasn’t a lifestyle change, and that is what is needed.</p>

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<p>This surgery has only been around since Nov. of 2009, so there really isn’t much data available.</p>

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<p>for more information on the VSG. I had one 18 months ago with great success.</p>

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<p>Consider the lapband.
As noted, the least invasive of the choices.</p>

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<p>mommusic, just want to comment about your ww and dessert comment. No one says you have to eat their frozen desserts. The supermarket is filled with freezer cases of frozen entrees, vegetables etc. regular and weight loss alike. That doesn’t mean you have to eat any of them. For some people they need to have something sweet everyday and ww provides a limited, counted alternative to doing it yourself. They manage the calories (ie points in the ww world) so that you don’t have to. Any diet that restricts sweets in any way will doom some people to failure. The sugar content alone is minimal compared to what people were eating pre diet. </p>

<p>As for the OP’s original post. At 17 years old, I think it is a shame to resort to any type of surgical procedure to lose weight. The reality is is that it will never be easier to lose weight than when you are young like this. I hate the idea of a permanent solution and the reality is surgery alone does not get to the heart of the reason you are overeating. I would join a gym, spend the money you would have spent on surgery on a personal trainer and go with my mom and join your local weight watchers. Be vigilant about the plan, get to know your leader and attend meetings, daily if you have to. There is no easy fix to losing weight and it won’t come off overnight because it obviously took many years to get to this point. With alot of discipline and determination you will lose weight. You just have to be willing to work extremely hard doing it. Good Luck and I hope your mom shows her support and joins you.</p>

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<p>I think it’s great you are thinking about your health, and I think it’s normal that your mom is worried about you. Any surgery carries risk. Any obesity procedure has a limited ability to effect your weight, because it’s more than physical, it’s emotional/psychological and no surgery can change that for you.</p>

<p>If it were me, I’d try weight watchers until summer. If nothing else, it will give you tools and support for the journey ahead. I doubt if mom will join you, but you could always offer. (Weight watchers sell their name to everything–the frozen foods can always be passed up if you don’t like them). I work with many many women who have lost lots of weight (80-100) pounds on WW and kept it off for years. I also work with a woman who had the surgery you describe. She had to lose 40 pounds first, and now after the surgery has lost 30 more after about 9 months. This is not a miraculous cure. (Not a surgery fan, myself!)</p>

<p>Anyway, tell mom you’ll try WW until summer, and if you don’t feel that’s successful, go ahead and have the surgery. It took you 17 years to get here – it will take some time to get out. (Mom’s resistance, btw, is likely in part a reasonable shame that by looking into changing yourself, you are implying that the situation is not okay. She’ll get over it. Or not. You decide for you)</p>

<p>p.s. recovering compulsive overeater here…holding my ground in the struggle, but a struggle nonetheless :)</p>

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<p>Do it in the summer instead. You need time to recover.</p>

<p>If your mother continues to object vehemently, do you have someone else who could care for you after the surgery? Even if she cannot legally prevent you from having the operation, she could make it very difficult for you to have it if there is no one else who can provide the help you will need during your recovery.</p>

<p>As for Weight Watchers: I’m a member, and I’ve lost 22 pounds in the last six months – an amount that pleases me but might not please someone who is morbidly obese. Weight Watchers is designed for a weight loss of 1/2 to 2 pounds per week. So the process is a slow one even if you follow the plan strictly – maybe too slow for the OP. There are people who started out morbidly obese who have had success with Weight Watchers, but it took them a long time to do it.</p>

<p>Weight Watchers does not forbid ANY food. If it’s important to you to follow a diet plan that does forbid certain foods or categories of foods, you would be happier with a different plan.</p>

<p>Weight Watchers also does not require you to purchase any of the commercial Weight Watchers products (and frankly, you can find tastier products from other companies that fit just as well in the Weight Watchers plan). The products are just there for convenience and portion control (and of course, to make a profit for the company). Many of the members of my Weight Watchers group do not buy any Weight Watchers products. Personally, I never buy the dessert-type stuff because I’m not much of a dessert eater. I do buy the dairy products and some of the single-serving entrees because they fit my lifestyle.</p>

<p>About a year ago, Weight Watchers revised their point system in a way that encourages lean protein, vegetables, and fruits in place of reduced-calorie junk. However, the commercial Weight Watchers products – many of which are popular among people who are not official Weight Watchers members – have not been changed. They’re still available, just with revised Points values (now called Points Plus).</p>

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<p>OP, Even though gastric sleeve surgery is laparoscopic, it is major surgery. Take a look at this blog post “5 things I wish I had known about gastric sleeve operation” by someone who is glad she had the surgery. [5</a> Things I Wish I’d Known Before My Gastric Sleeve - My Gastric Sleeve](<a href=“My Gastric Sleeve”>5 Things I Wish I'd Known Before My Gastric Sleeve - My Gastric Sleeve)</p>

<p>It’s a relatively new operation and long term weight loss and complications are not known.
It’s irreversible.
Some people express significant regrets.
Weight loss is quite variable.</p>

<p>I’m not trying to convince you not to get it- just saying look at it critically and realistically.</p>

<p>Best wishes.</p>