<p>I graduated from college a month ago; however, I’m going back to the same school next fall for a masters degree, which should be another 2 or 3 semesters of school. My school is close to home, so it’ll be like undergrad, except with mostly different classmates and presumably more difficult classes. </p>
<p>I’m returning to the same company I interned at last summer on the West Coast (I’m from Michigan). Back then, I thought that my mom was already “clingy” enough by making me call her at 9 PM PST (midnight EST), which became difficult as work grew more intense (there were days I stayed at work until after 9 at night). </p>
<p>This summer, my mom has been texting me and calling me at 8:30 AM PST (11:30 her time) and 5 PM PST (8:00 her time) … in the morning, though it’s lunch time for her, it’s the time when I rush out of my apartment to make it to work by 9 AM. At 5 PM, I’m usually still working hard at my workstation. I’m starting to worry that she’s not going to handle the fact that when I’m totally done with school, she won’t handle the reality very well. In fact, I think that her behavior becoming increasingly obstructive. For some reason, she simply does not understand that there is a 3 hour time zone difference between Michigan and the West Coast, and more importantly, that I have my own life to live and career to grow here. I expected her behavior to improve from last year, since this is my second summer interning at this company, but I just think it’s getting worse.</p>
<p>What should I do? Of course, when I’m busy I usually just end up missing her call or won’t reply to her texts until after I leave work.</p>
<p>Maybe she is lonely… respond when you can. Don’t make excuses, although if she asks let her know where you were (or if you were sleeping and didn’t answer if she forgets the time difference). You have to remember that your mom invested 18 years in getting you grown up and off on your own. She may have given up a lot of her own social life to make sure you were well cared for and got an education. Let her know that you love her and are happy to talk and text with her, but you can’t do it while at work or if you are on your way to work (don’t want to be late), sleeping, or doing something social where you want to be fully present with your friends. My D1 and I talk or text almost every day, but I don’t take it personally when she is too busy. Sometimes I am too busy, so we might go a couple of days before we link up in person. The good thing about texting is that it can be asyncrhonous; reply then ignore for a while if you need to.</p>
<p>You don’t say that she is trying to tell you what to do (who to see, when to go to bed, etc). So I don’t see this as too intrusive. Be nice to her, she is your mom.</p>
<p>It’s really okay to set some boundaries, even with your own mother. Yes, you can try to do so politely but since her behavior is unreasonable and disruptive you are not responsible for her feelings.</p>
<p>Decide how frequently you’re willing to receive and send texts. Then say something like, “I love being able to stay in contact with you when I’m away. But I’d prefer to receive texts once a day (or every other day, or on Sundays or on months beginning with “J”).”</p>
<p>And then do not JADE… justify, argue, defend or explain. Sometimes the other person will never agree with your decision, no matter what your reasons are. That’s okay, they don’t have to. But they do need to respect your decision.</p>
<p>It can help to have some phrases to fall back on that don’t invite discussion but restate your boundary:</p>
<p>“I understand that you’d prefer to text more often, but this is what works for me.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry that you’re upset but this is what works for me.”</p>
<p>“Of course I love you but this is what works for me.”</p>
<p>It’s important to realize that there is no way to express a boundary without the other person being unhappy with it. If you are looking for the magic words that get your point across and leaves the other person smiling in agreement, you will never succeed. That’s okay. Your feelings matter, too, and the other person will cope.</p>
<p>And now you can read much into my relationship with my own mother. :p</p>
<p>Is your mom calling you twice a day? Even once a day seems excessive and I’m a mom.
Decide on a time and number of days a week that is good for you but not too inconvenient for her. Then ask her to only call you at those time/days or tell her you will call her at those time/days. I would think weekends would be better for you and maybe once or twice during the work week. Also are the phone calls long or is she just checking to make sure you are ok?</p>
<p>I basically agree with VillageMom–except you might find it better, depending on your relationship, to set the boundaries, but not tell your mother exactly what they are. For example, you might just respond to one text a day, or not pick up the phone at inconvenient times. This may be better than a confrontation–and you probably don’t want a negotiation, either.</p>
<p>Turn your phone off. Then you won’t have any idea that these texts are coming through. Let your mom know that you cannot talk during the day and your phone will be OFF. Then set up a time to talk to her. </p>
<p>Or just turn the volume off on your phone…that way you won’t hear the chime!</p>
<p>And don’t respond. My kids NEVER respond to text messages from me during the day unless,there is something time sensitive. I seldom text them!</p>
<p>She misses you…and that is not a bad thing.</p>
<p>I guess I have to see things a little differently. Please don’t tell your mom not to text you. Does she get her feelings hurt if you don’t respond? explain that you love hearing from her but wont always be able to reply bc its dangerous, irresponsible, rude,etc. My philosophy has always been that you can’t control other people’s behavior-only your response to them. I guess my caveat would be that I text my sons often but I don’t ever expect them to stop what they are doing to reply-and quite honestly, it probably annoys them, too, but they never tell me to stop and they respond when/if they want to/are able to. My Mom texts me all the time , too (maybe the apple just doesn’t fall far from the tree) For me, it is more like my way of staying connected to my kids that I adore in a way that doesn’t demand an immediate intrusion on their personal lives.</p>
<p>hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Once a day seems excessive to me. I may have communiacted with my freshman D away at college via texting a few times a month and short and to the point questions. I got most of my info from her facebook page or I would have basically known nothing!!!</p>
<p>I think the amount of times she “needs” to talk to you is very intrusive on you.</p>
<p>I like this post. DH has a mother who has to be given boundaries. DH does so lovingly and firmly. Whenever he lets her slide, she only gets worse. </p>
<p>His go a little farther than above, and it makes it very clear to her.</p>
<p>Instead of the one above, he would say, “I understand you would love to text more often, but this is what works for me, and that is how it is going to be.” Then, if she complains about x or y, he says, “Mom, I told you that it was going to be Z. I love you, but I meant it.” She always backs off, though with a sigh of resignation, but she does back off.</p>
<p>If the problem is the timing, you will have to deal with her about that. Learning how to negotiate with parents, as you grow more independent, is one of the important changes you go through. Done well, everyone gets a bit of what they need.</p>
<p>I text my girls at will, try to make it something that connects us, not intrusive or demanding their attention (unless it’s critical) and not too often. Just a connection. Depending on what’s going on, they may send back one word or wait a few hours. I respect that they have schedules and they respect my need to know they’re ok. For most of us parents, there was no texting when we were your age. Or caller id. Imagine if all you had was a ringing phone, rather than at least a few lines of contact. Far more stressful than reading a text when you can or sending a quick one-way check in. Have fun, time moves quickly once you’re out of school. try to make a relationship that works for the future. </p>
<p>Your mother is controlling you, maliciously or not.
She needs daily reassurance that she is important to you even to the point of disrupting your routine.
She guilts you if you complain or express needing your freedom.
You are beginning to resent her suffocating behavior and it is affecting your relationship.
BTW, where is dad?
Time for him to become her bestie again, like it was before the kids came along.
Solution:
Have a heart to heart with mom.
Be honest and say she has done her job, that you know that she is there for support and comfort, BUT it is time for you to live a separate life from them.
So for the next week, texting and phoning is for emergencies only.
Good luck.</p>
<p>As you can see, the advice varies, and that’s because families vary. Some moms will be fine with hearing from you every week or so; others will worry themselves sick if they don’t get some word from you more often than that. You have to work this out carefully.</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice, parents! It’s just more intuitive, to me, for my mom to be supportive as I transition into the real-world. It’s not a very easy transition for me either, since I’ve been a kid/student for 20+ years. It’s easy being a student! </p>
<p>Dad isn’t really in the picture because I’m closer to my mom than my dad and my mom’s relationship with my dad is kind of strained (they’re not divorced though). </p>
<p>I’ll try to think of a way to talk to her. I already talked to her last summer about this… sigh … it’s been a busy week at work so my mom’s behavior definitely isn’t helping.</p>
<p>I’ve always let my kids set the tone with our communications. One communicates frequently, and one less so. Of course, if I call them, I get an immediate response, since I call about twice a year.</p>
<p>It’s okay to say, “Mom, I want to be able to talk to you, so I find it very stressful that you are calling and texting when I’m busy. I’ll get in touch when I am free.”</p>
<p>Then, get in touch from time to time.</p>
<p>During the summer months when my oldest is busy, I do occasionally text asking for “proof of life.” I generally get back a text that says, “Life.”</p>
<p>cute, but it’s all I want.</p>
<p>Good luck to you. Over time your mother will find her way back to her own life.</p>