Trying to lower my stress level to even out some health conditions, and thought I would ask for funny stories that could make me laugh or at least smile. Funny stories from your childhood, extended family, friends or even enemies; college related adventures, vacations gone horribly wrong, house remodeling mishaps, and everything in between.
I have found and read a number of humorous stories in the CC archives, so looking for new stories to distract me from our current stressful times.
I’ll start us out with a gem from my own childhood:
Dad was big on joking around, and once convinced me I needed to find an alarm clock to “wake up” my foot that had “fallen asleep.” It took time for my 4 year old self to run around the house and find an alarm clock. When I told him Mom said he was just fooling me, he answered “Well, your foot isn’t asleep anymore, now is it??!”
Parents night of my son’s third grade year. Looking around at all the student work on the walls. All the kids have filled out a sheet about themselves. They’re hanging on the wall for the parents to read. I finally find my kid’s.
“My name is…” JustaKid
“My Friends are…” Ben, Jake, Charlie
“My pets are…” JustaDog
“I like to play…” Baseball
“My favorite color is…” Blue
“I WISH…” My mom was nice
:neutral:
From a book I’m writing - essays of things that have happened in my life -
Title: Full Moons Over Sydney
I’ve skinny dipped. More than a few times; in a friend’s pool, and on secluded beaches. My favorite (or shall I say “most memorable”) time was (and 100% of this is true) in Sydney Australia, 1973, I was 15. My mother was chaperoning me and my friends (there were 6 of us altogether, including my mother – we shared a 2 story house with them, they were more family than friends, and my mother remained in touch often). It was summer and we went over by ferry to Manly Beach. There was a full moon (no pun intended) and 2 of my friends (the guys) “dared” the girls to go skinny dipping. We were brave and told them they’d have to face the shore while we got in, so they did (they were gentlemanly). Then they stripped down and hopped in the water. It was calm and warm and delightful. My mother sat on the shore and was smoking a cigarette, all we could see was her silhouette and the glow of the “cherry”. After a good long time, a police dune buggy rode up and asked her if she was alright (I guess they didn’t see or hear us). She motioned to us and said she was waiting for us to finish swimming (she did not tell them we were nude). He told her we were crazy, the beach was closed due to shark sightings earlier in the day! He put his spotlight on us, and called out with his bullhorn to “evacuate the beach…IMMEDIATELY”. We tried to stall but he finally called out to us that there were shark sightings…you never saw 6 bare arses move so fast in your life! The police were more embarrassed than we were. They shut off their light and turned away. We scrambled for as many clothes as we could stumble into, carried the rest, and the police escorted us off the beach.
A young child I know was in trouble with her mom.
Child - “Mom, some people say you’re stupid.”
Child - “Mom, some people say you’re ugly too”
She knew SHE wasn’t allowed to call people stupid or ugly, but…
Another child story
Child was eating cherries, and lots of them.
Adult said “what are you doing with the pits.”
Child said “what are pits?”
Then child was traumatized by another adult saying the child would grow a cherry tree out of their body.
One more…for the old-timers in the group
Title: Oh god, am I getting old or what?
When I was visiting my daughter in Portland last June, I needed to buy some laxative, so I bought the smallest container of Miralax powder.
On my way home, I tucked the now open container into my carry on and off I went to the airport. My bag went through the scanner and was flagged.
A nice older (this is a key element) TSA lady called out “whose bag is this?” I raised my hand and she asked me to step aside and asked “Is there something in the bag you might want to tell me about?”
Me “Um, no” - she opened the bag and reached her hand in. She pulled out my tiny cosmetic bag…“your liquids?”
Me “yes ma’m” she reached in again and pulled out the tiny Miralax bottle and again asked me “Is there something in the bag you might want to tell me about?”
Me “it’s laxative” Her “Well, I’m going to have to swab it down on the outside you know?”
Me “Sure. Ok. It’s just laxative.” Swab comes out and she is frantically swabbing that plastic bottle.
Me “between us, this stuff is a miracle”
Her “OH! Do you think it would be ok for kids, because I have a granddaughter who is down syndrome, and needs some “help” now and then”
Me “I would ask a doctor, but I swear by the stuff”
Her “Thank you! Oh, and sorry to stop you, you’re good to go!” -
I actually was thinking how funny a scene this would be in a movie, with an aging rock star, who once-upon-a-time might have had some actual contraband in the carry on, and now “only” has a bottle of powdered laxative!
From the Sinner’s Alley thread, I’ve cut my other post.
I have 5001 awesome stories. Here’s a favorite:
Hubby and I, pre-marriage, went to Egypt on a guided “camping” trip. It was doomed from the start.
Hubby left passport at home, so he came a day later. Everyone on the tour, except hubby, got a 48 hour stomach bug. The tour guide and the cook were lovers and argued constantly. Third night, coach pulls up in a parking lot next to a mosque. This was our “campsite.” Needless to say, we were awakened VERY early by prayer calls. On Xmas day, we ate at a restaurant and hubby found a clipped toenail in his food. Our motel (booked as part of our “camping” tour) was crawling with roaches, so we bought bug spray but forgot to leave an exit for the roaches. Slept with lights on.
On a happy note, hubby and I walked up Mt. Sinai in the dark to watch the sun rise on Xmas day. No lame-o donkey ride for us! We lugged a tiny bottle of port that we had brought from home up the mountain (seemed like a good idea at the time), but forgot a corkscrew. We lugged it back down the mountain. The sunrise, however, was pretty spectacular.
The coup de grace of the trip was our camel trek into the desert with three Bedouin tribesmen. Four of us had booked this side trip. Our sick tour guide sent seven of us on a “camp under the stars” excursion with, no exaggeration, a packet of spaghetti, a carton of tomato sauce, and feta cheese. And beer, thank god.
We trekked all of about 30 minutes from the pretty awful town of Dahab, just past the town trash dump. It was very atmospheric.
The Bedouins prepared our meal. Luckily, they had salt and pepper with them. (Just like Boy Scouts!) We asked them if there was a word in their language for this fine meal. Without hesitation, one of them said “Yeah!..$hit!!!” We spent the rest of the evening drinking beer and had a very jolly time.
Kind of glad it was so bad. It gets worse/funnier every time we retell it.
This is exactly what I was hoping for! Love to read these stories. Keep them coming!
My young son answered the phone, and in a very loud voice called me to say “Mom, It’s the person you’re always complaining about”
A very good friend comes across as rather ditzy on first impressions. She knows this and really doesn’t care one single bit.
Sitting in the bleachers at her youngest’s game, casually chatting with another mom she’d been sitting next to on various sets of bleachers for years as their athletes moved from elementary to high school, the other mom mentioned an older son had recently moved to City X and was having difficulty finding a local social group. My excited friend (whose daughter had just experienced a very bad breakup) immediately told her, “My daughter lives there. I’ll give you her number and you give it to him so they can go out.” The other mom paused, looked at my friend, and said “He’s a lawyer. He only dates smart women.” My friend didn’t miss a beat. “Daughter graduated from Ivy A and is in PhD program at Ivy B. She is smart enough.” She then either forces other mom to take daughter’s number or gets the son’s number. Anyway, she manages it so the two young people meet up in city X.
Those two have now been together more than a decade, married five.
When my friend told me this story, she did let slip the other mom’s kids didn’t attend schools with as high a prestigiosity factor as her own. Not that anyone is keeping score.
My son just texted me the results of my grandpup’s DNA and she is 14% of a breed with my family’s ethnicity 
I’m not sure if this should go here or the tell me something good thread. I’ll do both.
When my oldest son was in third grade, he came home one day with artwork. It was a paper with lines making quadrants. In the upper left was a mountain, top right a king, lower left American flag, and lower right a bowl of fruit. All quadrants but the lower right were brightly colored in. The fruit bowl was uncolored. So I said “oh, did you run out of time and not get to finish”? He looked at me kinda irritated like and said “no”. I said well why isn’t the fruit colored"? And he said “oh, Mom! It’s the song, you know oh beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain, for purple mountains (yes, colored purple), majesty (the king), above the fruit that’s plain. You know that song”.
Still just kills me.
I used to work as the office manager at my church. One night my sister texted me about the same time I was texting with a priest (a priest from the other church, not even the one I worked for directly).
My sister how my husband was doing (he was prepping for the colonoscopy he was having the next day).
I replied “I’m not home - I left him to poop in peace.”
A minute later the priest texted me “I’m not sure this text was for me.”
I was mortified but now I get a good laugh out of it.
I am afraid of bugs, especially flying ones. Years ago, my very young daughter (3 or 4 yrs old) and I went to an MLB game and sat way up high near the very top behind home plate. The bugs were flying all around the lights. A man a few feet away from me pointed at my front area and said, “There’s a bug on you.” I froze, afraid to look down for fear that it might be close enough to touch my face when I turned my head. I told him, “Please get it off of me,” trying not to sound panicked. He just sort of stared at me and did nothing. Then, with the panic building, I said, “I don’t care where you touch me, just get it off of me!” He flicked it off my shoulder.
Years later, at a local high school football game, a male acquaintance and his wife were sitting behind me. The crickets were flying around the lights. At one point, John tapped me on my shoulder so I turned around. He said he was just knocking a cricket off of me. I told him thank you so much, that is now your job to keep them off of me. A little later, a cricket went down the front of my shirt! I grabbed a wad of shirt with the cricket wrapped inside it. I squealed a little (maybe a lot) and turned around with wide eyes and my shirt clutched in front of my bust. John, a local banker and school board member, said, “Don’t look at me!” My female friend had to reach into my shirt and retrieve it.
Normally, I am quite naive and pretty darn prim and proper, but I swear I would strip naked in front of God and everybody if it became necessary to get a bug away!
This reminds me of the writing style of movies where the audience is in on the secret but the main character has no clue.
H was studying as a college student and was glancing outside when he saw across the yard over to the backyard of a neighbor- who was cooking a steak on the grill. The phone rang and the neighbor went inside to answer it (precell phone).
A dog ran out of nowhere, leaped into action, stole the steak and ran flying through the neighborhood with it in his mouth. The man came back outside and started poking at the grill. Then, completely surprised he realized the steak was missing. He looked around all over the yard in panic.
When son was four I asked him if he had washed his hands as he came out of the bathroom. His reply- “I didn’t touch”. How could I argue with that logic? I hadn’t thought about advantages of male anatomy.
A classmate told this story at a reunion several years ago. She always was nicely dressed and her hair set et al in medical school. She later worked part time and had kids in HS and younger. One morning she ran out of gas taking her youngest to school on an off day as the teen didn’t fill the tank. She hadn’t changed out of her pajamas for the trip. She had really loosened her standards. Something we could imagine anyone but X doing.
I was always afraid that my super friendly young D would just go along with any stranger so many times we told our kids that big they were ever in a situation when someone was bothering them they should yell loudly, “You’re not my mommy or daddy, go away!”
I never really thought my kids paid much heed to this instruction. On day, when I took my car to the mechanic with D duly strapped into the car seat, the mechanic offered to reposition the car in the crowded lot of his shop. I gratefully relinquished the driver’s seat and stepped out. Low and behold, from the back seat came a very loud yell, “You’re not my mommy or daddy! Go away!” I had to climb in on the passenger side and congratulate D for doing as instructed!
22 years ago at my very real professional job, there was a divorcee woman who loved to give me marital advice. DH and I got married for a few months then. The woman told me that I should go home and call my husband by different name, pretended we were someone else to make thing interesting.
So one day i came home and said to my husband “Hi Jack, how was your day?” He looked at me and said “Who the F is Jack?”
I had to spend the next 5 minutes explain to him about my co-worker. Good thing he knew me enough to know that I could be that naive.
I went to work the next day I told her what happened, she said “I didn’t mean different NAME NAME, i meant like sweet heart, baby doll…”. I was like how the heck would I know that’s what she meant. My co-workers they all thought it was so funny. My boss was a little mad at the woman but she also had a good laugh.
Why the heck did i ever listen to her or to anyone to begin with? I was young, naive and stupid that’s why. Til these day my co-workers still call my husband “Jack” whenever they see him. (Obviously his name is NOT Jack! lol)
Another of my 5001 stories…
I was studying abroad in London. I was 21, super cool, gorgeous, skinny, etc… I went to a nightclub. A favorite tune came on.
Anyone remember Wood Beez, by Scritti Politti?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMdf1onDkxA
Notice the gorgeous blonde guy in white, singing. His name is Green. He was cool, he was gorgeous. He was THERE, in the nightclub! I was dancing my a__ off, looking so cool! He was checking me out! He started dancing, with ME!
I smiled and tried to shout over the music about how much I loved his song. He smiled back! Then he leaned in close. I couldn’t believe it! In a very sexy Welsh accent, he said “Why do you dance like a chicken?”
Oh dear. I modified my dance moves after that. Yes, he was a jerk, but I’m pretty sure I did look ridiculous in my color coordinated turquoise blue and hot pink. Still makes me laugh.