Help make this sound" revelant" to.the prompt?

College Essays
1

<p>I wrote like me, which is how a crazy teenager </p>

<p>Would write. How do I make this statement sound better?</p>

<p>If mars hold life, my ancestors can be traced back to the red planet. I thought about this one time, when I came to school dressed as a ninja/ pirate. Yes I said it I came to school dressed like that. It was an experience that probably told me that I and other people definitely do not think on the same frequency. It is like I get FM, and they get AM. </p>

<p>When I tell people I want to become a director, they look at me like I am mental patient. What kind of girl, who dressed up like a ninja/pirate can be a director? Those two just do not connect with each other. Well I can say that I have much more creative ideas than somebody who dressed like a typical cat.</p>

<p>When I walked into school that day, people started snickering, gossiping, typical ways that high school students express their feelings. I just shrugged it off. I did not look like everyone else, which made me proud. It is similar to how films look; if it does not look like another film, and then it is much more enjoyable because the audience is viewing a concept that is out of the box. I am someone who can create that different view. I mean I did it on Halloween. </p>

<p>The experiences of dressing like a ninja pirate help me realize my true identity; I am a free spirit; I do not follow a crowd. A specific example is when I had my thanksgiving feast; everyone took food related to thanksgiving and I took lollipops. Chocolate covered lollipops. I wanted to do something different, something noticeable that can be much more dramatic than just bringing some mashed potatoes. </p>

<p>Film requires thinking outside; I think outside the box. What better job is there for me than filmmaking? Doctors cannot think outside the box, burses cannot either so I do not want to follow those paths.</p>

<p>I am bizarre, plain and simple. I eat vegetables for dessert, I dress up like ninjas on a regular basis, and I write stories about how my plant died. Darth Vader is my role model. It sounds crazy. What can a crazy kid contribute to a campus, but I think I have some ideas that can help me down the road.</p>

<p>I know people will read this, and be like” yeah this kid is way to nutty, she will probably switch her major ten times in one day.” Let me say that I have a clear path; Film making. I do not care if I end up on “Weirdest Directors Ever” because at least I stuck to the right path. I am proud of being what people call a” mental patient in training”. At least my way of thinking can be much more interesting then somebody who only thinks about what type of hair they have. I want to be able to say “Yeah I made a movie about talking trees and what?”</p>

2

<p>Change to if mars COULD SUSTAIN life.
Change to it was an experience that made me realize other people and I think on unique frequencies. (love the analogy by the way)
I would personally delete the second paragraph, it seems a little forced. Instead, phrase it like: It is not so apparent that I aspire to be a director. You will not see me demanding lattees in a beret, I am a more humble creator. A visionary. But as the saying goes “dont judge a book by its cover”, because I am a revolutionary artist. </p>

<p>You sound very quirky and unique, a real asset. I feel like a lot of people will take the approach of “Im different”, but you really show it I think. Hope I helped. I only did the first couple paragraphs so if you’d like more email me please!</p>

3

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<p>Yea I sat there for a good 10 min trying to think of a way to tell about mars. Thanks for.the feedback. Also I was having trouble trying to show how this relates to my Film making.</p>

4

<p>oh okay. So I dont know anything about film making, but you could say like…</p>

<p>My perception is my identity. I see colors that don’t even have names. I believe in what doesn’t exist, I have faith. Faith in honed senses that lead me to see the world in a whole new ultra violet light. I imagine and relate to whimsical figures your ninjas and Vaders. But I also understand their characters and can incorporate the ability to visualize in my directing career.</p>

5

<p>Your personal statement makes you seem like a freak or outcast. If I was looking to accept someone, I’d want someone who can get along with others, not someone who can’t play with others.</p>

6

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<p>Can you tell me how to change it instead of.just giving a opinion? I specifically said HELP make this RELEVANT for the topic.</p>

7

<p>well dont refer to yourself as a mental patient for starters</p>

8

<p>Everything is bad. You are not focusing on your “GOOD” qualities.</p>

9

<p>To be blunt, this is not an essay you want to submit to selective colleges. You’re trying way too hard to sound quirky with statements like everyone took food related to thanksgiving and I took lollipop. You’re just trying very hard to be unique but you really don’t sound like you are at all.</p>

<p>Secondly, stop belittling other fields of study, occupations etc. Doctors cannot think outside the box - in who’s opinion? Yours? A high school student’s? Someone who knows nothing about medicine? You come off as close minded from statements like that rather than someone who thinks outside the box like you’re trying to actually convey.</p>

<p>Your whole “ninja/pirate” story just shows that you don’t know how to behave in a school environment. There are places to goof off, and there are places you NEED to dress properly. If you dressed up like that in college every day, you’d have serious problems.</p>

<p>Overall, this is a very poorly written essay (various grammar mistakes) and does not show colleges a student that they would want to accept. I think you need to redo this. You’re just stuffing in everything you can to sound unique. “Darth Vader is my role model”, “I write stories about my plant dying” - none of those things are unique in a good way. I’m sorry, but that’s how your essay needs and you seriously need to consider writing another one from scratch.</p>

10

<p>^ well said Truust</p>