Help me get over the jr. year report card

Parent Cafe
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<p>I’m posting this in Parent Cafe instead of on the main parents board because I’m feeling like it’s mostly about me. I’m pretty irritated and a little irrational (I think), and there’s not a thing I can do about it at this point.</p>

<p>Grades came today, and as I expected, I am the disgruntled mother of a very smart son with SAT scores (I and II) all in the mid- to high 700s (except math, which is in the high 600s) and a core GPA that is somewhere around a B. I am too depressed to calculate it. He’s never gotten a C. He’s gotten all As in science throughout high school. He’s gotten all As in art, yearbook, PE, and those other electives. But in social studies, math, and English, he’s been a solid B student since 10th grade (straight As in 9th grade–go figure). Why is this irritating me? Because I’d say that 75% of those Bs could have been As if he’d worked on it.</p>

<p>His HS is considered to be challenging, and some teachers are tough and kind of unpredictable graders. But honestly, he just hasn’t studied much or invested much extra effort. I should add that he’s a good, solid, personable, positive kid–no behavior problems or issues with social life issues (e.g., drinking, partying, etc.). I believe, too, that though his school is challenging, it has not challenged him very much at all.</p>

<p>I can’t figure out why I am so angry at him at this moment. Because he’s not ultra-competitive? Because he’s smarter than many of his classmates and his grades don’t show it? Because he hasn’t gotten mostly As like his Dad and I did? Or because now that the report card is in, I’m thinking that UNC Chapel Hill is out of the question? (I won’t go into his list and how he made the choices, but because he has a very specific academic interest, the only real “reach” on it is Chapel Hill because we are OOS.)</p>

<p>If he were a B student with lower SAT scores, I would be fine! I’m feeling like the ugly mom–the kind of parent I really don’t like very much–and it doesn’t feel good. I really need to get beyond this one. </p>

<p>Thanks for listening!</p>

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<p>I don’t have much time right now but one thing that caught my eye is that you said that he only has one “reach” on his list. If that is the case, then I assume his academic profile fits his match schools and so it doesn’t matter that his grades are in the ballpark that made these schools a match because they still are in the ballpark. A stronger GPA would enhance his chances at his match schools but I presume these are still match schools with his current academic profile, and so there is nothing really lost here. If he is in very challenging classes (the most rigorous offered at your school), then his grades will be looked at in that light. I don’t know his GPA or his college list to comment much more. You might encourage him to come in with a stronger fall semester to strengthen his application but it sounds to me that his profile matches many of his schools and he’ll be fine. Also, straight As is not realistic even for very competent students in rigorous classes. Perhaps he could have done better. Accept what it is, and at the same time realize his chosen schools are within his grasp with his profile and he doesn’t have a list of all reach schools, thankfully. Sounds like things should be OK.</p>

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<p>geezermom, translating SAT scores into an expectation for success in any area really doesn’t work. It could be your son is doing the best he can. Few kids are organically lazy. How are his study skills? Does he seem to fully comprehend the subject matter as it gets more complex? Have you seen how he does in different educational environments such as summer programs?</p>

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<p>Come on over to Sinner’s Alley and join the Mother of Boys crowd. </p>

<p>You are sooooo not alone. The majority of teen boys waffle around as if there is no tomorrow. Three pieces of good news: 1) You should see a spike in focus, competitiveness and ambition in the next year. 2) Adcom know that boys are late bloomers and they might not hold those Bs against them (girls should be so lucky) 3) CR scores in the mid to high 700s puts your boy in a rarified group. </p>

<p>If he has a specific interest, make sure he presents that passion as if his life depended on it. That passion plus +1450 SAT scores might make UNC take notice.</p>

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<p>UCgradmary
I disagree with you a little on the SATs as an indicator. He never studied for the SATs and did not take a prep course, so these were his scores “cold.” But you make some points that illustrate why I’m so mad at him! He’s a brilliant participant in class with a highly sophisticated grasp of concepts that impresses his teachers. He just got accepted into a selective summer workshop for “convergence” journalism on the basis of his photography skills, a great essay that he wrote, and a dynamite recommendation from his teacher. Since childhood he has scored off the charts on standardized tests. So what gives? I guess, as cheers says, he’s a guy! </p>

<p>And he hasn’t unloaded the dishwasher yet. Oh, and I am making him his favorite mac and cheese for dinner even though his dad and I take Lipitor.</p>

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<p>I have a son who is similar to yours. I am also a teacher in a highly competitive Westchester NY school. Over 20% of our kids go on to the Ivy league schools. Although many of these kids are rightfully on their way, some are unfriendly, grade grubing cheaters who have clawed their way to the top. There are so many factors that go into being a high performing student. Intelligence is certainly one, but by itself, will not help students earn high marks. Focus, discipline, ambition, organization are all needed just to name a few. </p>

<p>My son, with similar SATs to your son, is a B+ student who is also a PSAT/NMSQT qualifier. I sometimes feel very similar to the way you describe. I guess I have tried to tell myself that in the long run, he will go to college and be just fine. The innate intelligence will never go away. With maturity, maybe these kids will find an environment where they are motivated to use their gifts to full capacity. School is not so easy to navigate, and we certainly have not adapted the classroom well to meet the needs of all students. Some kids just adapt better than others, but it does not mean that does not mean that kids like your son (and mine) won’t come out on top. Hope this helps a little.</p>

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<p>Mel Levine, a learning guru I’ve come to trust, talks about how many kids just aren’t reached in their learning environment or because of an undiagnosed LD that would not prevent them from being high scorers. You may want to check out his many books.</p>

<p>Your son’s issue becomes more complex in my mind with the info that he is so successful in class. Does this mean he does not do well on tests? Papers? What draws the grade down?</p>

<p>Also, many smart boys getting Bs are also getting them in art and basket weaving, not just academic classes. This is for all the boy issues moms have already written about. The As in the “easy” classes makes it less of a “just a boy thing.”</p>

<p>Hey, is what Cheers says true? Will top colleges overlook more Bs for boys? Does my DS have a hope?</p>

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<p>I agree with UCGradmary,
If it really bothers you, you should figure out <em>why</em> he gets Bs instead of As, assuming he is capable of As as you say.</p>

<p>My son would do fine in testing. He learned the material just fine. His weakness was keeping a neat notebook, forgetting to bring an already finished homework assignment to school (!&$*%), leaving the back of a worksheet blank, misinterpreting or overlooking important details in instructions…</p>

<p>For that reason, he’d make As in some very difficult classes, and Bs in stuff like “sculpture” or “life management”.</p>

<p>It didn’t kill his chances of going to college, but no doubt that had he <em>mastered</em> those skills at an earlier age he would have done much better. He’s doing fine at college. Just takes some longer than others.</p>

<p>Anyway, is it because he’s not learning the material, not completing assignments, not listening in class to instructions…??</p>

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<p>I don’t want to hijack this thread at all, but it is so refreshing, absolutely refreshing, to see a teacher actually stating this. My kids have told me about this for years.</p>

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<p>I’ll ad to the chorus… My very capable, “99th percentile on standardized tests” son will be a junior next year. He does not want to focus or work very hard. He especially hates homework activities that he finds tedious and “useless” for the most part. He typically makes As on tests (for which he hasn’t studied much) and then doesn’t bother to turn in or work very hard on a homework assignment – and so, he has Bs and one C in PreCalc Honors for one term (because he didn’t do all his homework). His final term this year, he had a 3.85 but that just puts him at a 3.5 overall. I told him around winter break that he would be looking only at in-state schools if he didn’t “apply himself” a bit more. Whether we’re seeing a little of that promised developmental focus or whether he decided he may want a few more choices in colleges, I don’t know. I’m just hoping that this trend continues so his junior year grades will reflect this upward trajectory… I’ve told S that he’ll need around a 3.75 to be eligible for many merit scholarships. I can see those dollars slipping away if he doesn’t focus this your. Geezermom, I feel your pain.</p>

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<p>All good advice above…and I’ll add don’t panic about UNC-CH. His scores are good and if he is taking a strenuous courseload and making As, Bs and no Cs, AND he has good ecs, he will still be in the game for UNC.</p>

<p>My d got in with an unwtd 3.7 pulling mostly Bs in her harder AP courses (Calc BC, Chem) and As in her areas of strength (AP Eng Lit. AP Gov’t/Econ, etc…). At this point, it doesn’t pay to look back…your son should focus on demonstrating strong writing skills in good essays, sign up for a strenuous senior year courseload, and try to have good mid-term senior year grades.</p>

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<p>geezermom, we went through the same thing with S2s report card last week. It was much worse than your son’s–he did get Cs, as in more than one. We knew what was coming, but still had H and I so angry that H told him if he didn’t pull his grades up to at least X (named some ridiculous level) his junior year we wouldn’t pay a cent to send him to college. S actually wants to go to college so was upset but continues to say his grades will be whatever they will be like he has no control over them.</p>

<p>I keep lowering my expectations and then he brings his GPA down even further. He gets kicked out of more honors courses each year (4 freshman year to 3 sophmore year to 2 junior year) that I have almost run out of schools that I think would take him. When I ran one by him from Colleges That Change Lives that I could possibly get excited about, he said “no” as soon as I mentioned the name because he hadn’t heard of it. (We talked again when I was calmer and he has agreed to keep an open mind.) However, I think the University of West Virginia is starting to look like a good option (which is pretty sad in my opinion). I don’t want him at a CC because I absolutely don’t want him living at home after he graduates and I don’t want to finance an apartment for him, which would come across as a reward. I also cringe at paying private school rates for a kid who doesn’t seem to have done his part in high school, at least in my biased opinion. </p>

<p>This kid scored higher than his UVA brother on his PSATs so I get all these annoying emails from nice schools begging him to apply (who clearly have not seen his GPA). He claims he is doing his best, but puts in almost no time on homework, refuses tutoring and all help, etc. His definition of best and ours do not coincide. He keeps telling us that C’s are average and therefore OK.</p>

<p>He is a good kid in other ways. Works hard every summer (second year as a lifeguard and was a busboy when 14), made the varsity football team as a sophomore (although too short and too slow to do more than DIII), has a lot of friends, very responsible yada yada yada… But those grades are killing me. I hate to say it, but I think those football friends of his are not the best role models when it comes to grades. If he brings home a C on a paper, he has at least four friends who made a D on that paper.</p>

<p>If misery loves company, my rant will provide some solace. Anyway, I feel better. The little angel is out mowing the lawn right now before heading out to see friends.</p>

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<p>Can I just add that it isn’t just the boys - my d sounds just like musicmom’s son. If she even tried she would have a’s but keeps flitting between a’s and b’s. Her GPA after junior year is bordering on 3.5 uw ( don’t know for sure because they are holding her grades ransom because they have a book listed as outstanding) . I am not so worried about admissions because she has good SAT scores and is not looking at highly selective schools, but she may miss a cutoff for merit scholarships if she falls below that magic 3.5. Could be an expensive oops on her part…
Meanwhile she is a creative, loving daughter and she has a lot of knowledge about things that she cares about outside of the school curriculum…I am learning to try to chill and accept that she made these choices and live with it. But I feel your pain…</p>

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<p>I also have a slacker son who refused to do homework for all of freshman and sophomore years and most of junior. Although his SAT scores are in the top 20% of his high school, he got several C’s and even the occasional D all because of various assignments that were not handed in. Needless to say we are not looking at top tier schools but, seeing acceptance histories from the Naviance link on his high school web site, we have found several good 4-year colleges where he still appears to have a reasonable chance of acceptance. Looking at the GPA/SAT scattergrams, it is obvious that he is far from the only one there who has the combination of high SAT and low GPA. Many others from his school with that combination have been accepted into perfectly good colleges, albeit not the ones most frequently mentioned here on CC. </p>

<p>He has had something of an epiphany this last marking period, making the honor roll for the first time, getting five A’s and three B’s and (eventually) handing in every assignment. I credit the turnaround to a series of assignments that was done in class. First they put together an expense budget for housing, transportation, living expenses, clothing, entertainment, taxes, etc… Then they had to research the minimum wage and look through newspaper employment ads to find out what various jobs paid. Finally, they had to calculate the number of hours per week it took to make ends meet at minimum wage and with the incomes they had found for several different professions. The message got through.</p>

<p>Getting denied admission to a reach school is not the end of the world if you have some safeties and matches that you can love. Our children are not who we were and they live in a far different world than we did. We should appreciate them for who they are rather than try to make them into what we want them to be. Personally, I will be absolutely thrilled if my son continues to get A’s in his strong subjects and B’s in his weak ones, even though I know that he could get all A’s with about 20% more work. It just is not worth it to him, and I can live with that. In college, he will have far more choice of which courses he takes and I believe that will translate into better grades.</p>

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<p>Thanks for all these thoughtful and comforting replies. I told my husband I was doing online therapy and would get back to him with the results! We just have a child who’s an unusual learner with little patience for the busywork that seems to persist in high school. Sometimes, when I see his assignments, I can’t really blame him for feeling that way. He’s a real sponge, an amazing independent learner with a couple of passionate interests. I know that when he has a chance to break free from the restrictions of high school, he’ll do well. </p>

<p>He went to an elementary-middle school that did not give grades until 6th grade, so he grew up in a climate where assessment was a more holistic thing. Then in high school the rules change, and you have to live by them. I think I didn’t admit to myself how much those high school grades mattered to me. The truth is, he’s done fine, and he’ll be fine. It’s just that today–when the SAT II 780 arrived in the same mail delivery as the B/B+ report card–it was a little much.</p>

<p>Thanks to CC and a trip to see Oceans 13, I feel much better!</p>

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<p>I think a B/B+ average is fine. Not everyone is going to get top grades all the time. Keep in mind there are always options to transfer later, or perhaps take a gap year and some academic courses that could strengthen his resume. Not everyone has to take the same path of “top achiever in high school, get into top 20 college.” That doesn’t mean he is doomed - which I think you know, but like you said, reassurance is always nice. It also doesn’t mean he won’t fulfill his potential. We tend to get a little short sighted and limit ourselves to two years or so thinking these are the only “chances.” But when you think about it, nothing is the end of the world. We mainly limit ourselves to that because many of us live in communities where it is de rigeur to go to college after senior year, stay there four years, graduate, get a job. But many successful people have marched to the beat of their own drum and taken chances and opportunities that were off the beaten path. There are still more chances here, it isn’t the end of the game by far.</p>

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<p>Geezermom, I recognize myself in your son in so many ways. I’m a sponge too, but a very, very lazy and unapplied sponge when it came to highschool. Once your son hits college, I hope he’ll have the same epiphany that I had - so much more independence, freedom in creating more challenging assignments for oneself, greater variety of classes, overall less of a feeling you are being “holistically” evaluated and so know you can coast by on intellectual promise alone.</p>

<p>Have you looked into having teachers consider giving him more challenging and independent-study style work? I don’t believe in the stereotype that very bright kids get bored with assignments they could do easily and so choose not to do them - it’s just that sometimes, you need a bar set to feel that urge to do a limbo.</p>

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<p>Geezermom, your S sounds like mine too. He just graduated from one of the most demanding public gifted high schools in NYC with B+/A- average, 1480 SAT and NMF. He simply refused to kill himself by competing with his ultra-gifted (and often high-anxiety) classmates. His father and I, for whom nothing but perfect grades was ever acceptable, don’t know what to make of him sometimes. He was rejected outright (not even deferred) by UNC-CH, which I gather has become nearly as difficult to get in to OOS as UVa. He’ll be going to William & Mary, and is very happy. Your S will find a great school too. Keep us posted during the challenging year to come!</p>

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<p>Standardized tests simply are NOT a test of “potential” - they measure certain types of skills that tend to correlate with intelligence, but the tests also mis-measure and overvalue the abilities of some and undervalue the abilities of others. That is because performance in an academic setting is nothing at all like taking a standardized, multiple choice test. </p>

<p>To get angry or frustrated when a high scoring kid doesn’t do better in school would be similar to being angry at a 6’5" boy who doesn’t play basketball – yes, it is true that tallness is a great advantage for basketball players, and the best basketball players tend to be tall… but that doesn’t mean that every kid over 6’2" is destined to be a great basketball player. </p>

<p>Your kid’s test scores are what they are, and his performance is what it is. If he has college list where most of the schools will accept him with his GPA, then the high test scores are icing on the cake – what it really means is that for very little extra effort, his likelihood of admissions is improved at those colleges and he may even qualify for a small merit award. But a better than expected score doesn’t make him smarter than he was the day before he took the test; nor should it be viewed as some sort of magical pronouncement that invalidates the rest of his life. </p>

<p>If your kid is getting B’s… that’s not really a crime. There are kids who are flunking out or using drugs or running with gangs… congratulations! Your kid isn’t one of them. He’s just a reasonably good teenage boy going to school and putting in effort for the classes that interest him, and holding his own in the classes that bore him. So I say, you should appreciate him! He’s a great kid! He’s also smart – but “smart” doesn’t obligate him to change his personality. Which, in a way, is what you would be asking to expect him to get straight A’s.</p>

<p>In any case … it’s done now. You can’t go back and change those grades. So why waste energy being angry? If your son changes his mind and wants to go to reachier schools, he’ll need to work hard to bring his senior year grades up. On the other and, if he is satisfied with the matches & safeties on his list, he may be able to have a fun and relaxing senior year, complete with early, rolling admission to a college that is not insanely competitive about admissions. Is it really obligatory to go nuts over the college admissions process?</p>

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<p>Thanks, Calmom. Your post describes where my head is most of the time. I was just saying to my H this morning that I don’t know what set me off yesterday. I was having feelings and reactions that I’ve been pretty good at setting aside, up to now! I am grateful for so many things about him. His personality may not yield the A’s that so many people use (mistakenly) to measure accomplishment, but he IS very accomplished. I understand very well that an A in his school is hard to get–and that when he has a 92 average he has only missed it by three points, so what’s the big deal because he’s obviously learning. His journalism teacher (the field he’s interested in) wrote him a recommendation for a summer program that made me cry.</p>

<p>So as I said in my first post, this is really about me and my mood swings over wanting everything for my only child, and not being able to define “everything.” One of my dreams is to write an only child’s survival guide–how to survive parents like me!</p>

<p>Your last sentence says it all: I am surrounded by people who go nuts over college admissions (parents and kids), and I have a strong desire NOT to do that. I’m going to get back on track now!</p>