Help me help my son get settled into college

College Life
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<p>I realize that the old saw is to let kids learn for themselves; they have to make their own mistakes and all that. Essentially true, yet error exists on the side of giving them little-to-no guidance - in my opinion, anyway. I didn’t get a lot of pointers (questionable how much I would have listened, but there were times when it would have been great if someone cared, and it’s definite that I would have benefited.) So I’m trying to give minimal and easy suggestions and of course they are largely ignored. Here’s the issue in a nutshell:</p>

<p>I don’t believe people should typecast and pigeonhole themselves at age 18, shutting out many social contacts just to interact with a tiny group of instant friends who are “instantly accepting.” He actually said, “Why do you want me to hang out with the bad influences instead of the people who understand me?” Keep in mind it’s day three in the dorms and classes have not even started. Who can understand anyone that soon and how can potential friends be ruled out that quickly?</p>

<p>Granted, I am glad that my son: Is not drinking (he could lose some scholarships but he is also just too straight to do that yet at this point), not smoking (smoking is a bad health habit, obviously) and not leaving campus to run around in other people’s jeeps to God knows where. I’m glad for all that. He’s not downloading stuff (against rules, subject to judicial review) and of course he’s already encountered people in his dorm doing all that. He’s basically a great person with some high standards - he’s very smart, he doesn’t talk about women like they are commodities although of course he has already heard some choice “jokes” (and I guess he’s also a great person because he’s already told me all of this, and most kids tell their parents approximately jack-sh|t.)</p>

<p>What it comes down to is that my son may not be the absolute popularity king but he is a well-liked guy, with people he doesn’t even really know calling out his name wherever he goes; he does not look like a geek, yet he will only associate with geeky nerds - the kind who are into Pokemon and all such related crapitude. In my day these were “war gamers” or played “Dungeons and Dragons” - different era - same crap! I’m revealing myself to be a social bigot but really… I can tolerate these types to some degree… but to make them your only social group ? ! ?</p>

<p>His roommate is a private school prep (WTH is wrong with that, BTW?), smokes cigarettes constantly outside (keeping it outside makes it no problem, and we all have vices) and basically there are “bros” who party all up and down the dorm… they’ve already invited him to their drinking/downloading/whatever gigs (so far these are mixed groups of disparate types just trying to get to know each other at least on a superficial level and I believe that is healthy and recommended) and he went to be polite, they see that he does not want to drink but he is no narc either. I guess he passed their social test of sorts… and he participated mainly because I told him not to wall himself up in his room and ignore others. So… to sum it up… his dad and I have advised him to:</p>

<p>Cast a wide net. Be “friends,” (and by that I mean make plenty of superficial friendships or at least friendly acquaintanceships) with a wide range of people. He does not have to be best friends or party hearty with everyone. He can eventually choose to write off those who are total a-holes. But here’s a weird contrast: His self-esteem is obviously low and he is less mature in some way than his peers (everyone matures at different rates), and he sometimes says to us about his sub-par friendship choices, “But no one else will have anything to do with me!” The way I see it is that people are trying to include him at least on a casual level and he’s the one being a snob, shutting them out and being intolerant of what I see as trivial sins like drinking a beer in the dorm room or smoking a cig outside as if these are marks of “bad influences.” He has some pretty narrow requirements for who he will even take a chance getting to know.</p>

<p>I realize I can’t impart decades’ worth of life experience on someone who just turned 18 but we don’t want to see him slamming doors and shutting out social contacts that could turn out to be useful later in his life (his roommate is the son of two high-achieving attorneys in public offices, just as one example)… some of the social-climber party-types may seem annoying and foolish but in general I believe they come from higher-achieving families and part of their strategy is networking socially. I think he should at least get his feet into the social pool (being that casual “friend to everyone” which would be easy for him since people like him and try to include him - he’s actually a cool guy) but he is fast developing a tiny, tight-knit and exclusive nerd clique.</p>

<p>Sorry this is long but don’t blame me - if the length bothered you, you didn’t read it, and if you read it, you wanted to. :oD Any advice from wise students or maybe experienced parents?</p>

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<p>It sounds as though you want him to be something that he isn’t. He’s a great kid who chooses friends that openly accept him and with whom he feels most comfortable. He is who he is–accept it. It sounds as though he’s happy with his “nerdy” (as you put it) friends. </p>

<p>Someday, those “Mr. Popularity” types may be begging those “nerdy” kids for a job.</p>

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<p>How do you know this?</p>

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<p>Yeah, or it could be the other way around. I guess I used to be too much like him and I realize now that it was a mistake to snub so many people as “beneath me” or “too different from me” even to be casual social contacts.</p>

<p>Sometimes the nerdy people are the perpetual Dwight Schrutes, never getting anywhere because they don’t even have the basic manners to introduce themselves and say hello. That can hold a career back and can limit opportunites in life. And the party types most often settle down and get a career, sometimes with the help of the many people they know. This is where my intentions come from - wishing that he wouldn’t shut too many people out too quickly and get joined at the hip with those people who are “instantly accepting” in part (maybe in small part, and maybe not in the case of each one) because no one else wants anything to do with them.</p>

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<p>tobaccoNchocolat: I’m not even sure which part you think I don’t know, but if you read carefully, I’m actually doing what some might condemn me for doing (and I’m not even sure if I’m walking the fine line carefully enough): I am suggesting that my son NOT write off people just because they drink or smoke - I think he should give them a chance. No one in my family smokes and it’s great that he’s not drinking (I did at that age, rightly or wrongly) but I’ve traditionally associated with decent people no matter what their vices… to a reasonable degree, anyway. He seems to be beyond prudent and into the realm of uptight and judgmental. To the point that it might not even be serving him well. I think he’s leaning a little too far on the side of eschewing anyone who ever tastes a beer and I think that’s a little restrictive.</p>

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<p>OK, your whole weltanschauung is a bit too exposed here and it would be easy to ridicule, but in fact, it’s also remarkably easy for me to empathize. Would the following work for you? There are many ways to have a good, productive, satisfying life. Being a social-climbing party-type looking for friends with useful family connections is one strategy; being a passionate (or just socially timid) nerd/geek is another. So at this point, as a parent of an 18-year-old, what you can provide is support and love for whoever he already is. He doesn’t have to share your social style and interests – he is going to have to figure out how to make his own style and interests work for him. </p>

<p>On the other hand, it’s important not to close off possibilities through fear or through contempt. Maybe where you can help him is to not be too disdainful or judgemental of the kids who are making different decisions, and to leave room for eventually having some friendships and social connections with people who are not 100% like him. It doesn’t really have to happen overnight, though. This isn’t high-school - hopefully at his campus people don’t travel for four years exclusively with the pack that they connected with during the blackout-inducing drunk parties (or all-night World of Warfare sessions) of Freshman Orientation.</p>

<p>One more point: you don’t really want to tell your son that his gut reactions to people are all wrong - we all do judge people on first impressions, and having good instincts for reading people is important. Hopefully experience helps us improve at this throughout our lives - maybe you could play up this angle, instead of telling him that he’s just flat-out wrong to write off the partiers. He may be right about his first impressions of the preppy roommate and his friends (or of course, he may be wrong). The real message you (should) want to convey is not that he should befriend them regardless, or that his gut instinct must be wrong, but that he should reserve final judgement for a bit and leave his options open – right? That sounds better than trying to substitute your social style, strategy and judgement for his, which I believe would not be wise or supportive.</p>

<p>I know that for myself, when I worry about decisionss my kids make that are properly really outside of my control, it often springs from my own social anxiety, or my own regrets about paths chosen in the distant past. I guess all this ‘letting go’ stuff is not as easy as the self-help books make it seem, huh? </p>

<p>– I see that a few posts were added while I was writing this – whatever - if it’s useful, then good, if not, then ignore.</p>

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<p>oops, my Weltanschauung was showing - I better let out the hem. (you made me look up a word.) :)</p>

<p>Thanks memake… although you pretty much said everything I just said. That sounds ungrateful of me… let me sift through for a nugget:</p>

<p>Yes, I should make sure he knows not to go against his gut reaction.</p>

<p>I’ve pretty much said this to him already, though. I have told him that within this extremely safe environment (the partiers were partying it up a few feet from the R.A. station!) there’s no downside or risk to just getting on speaking terms with people from all walks.</p>

<p>But yeah, I just want him to leave doors open a crack and not slam and lock them. For example, he actually agrees with a lot of what his roommate thinks (I gleaned that from Facebook and passed it on thirdhand - neither of them are big FB users but the roommate is more candidly vocal there) but they hardly talk about anything except where to hook up the printer so how would they know they share many views (politically unpopular ones - so much that it’s useful to find a sympathizer)? I think part of the problem is that my son has some confidence issues and is intimidated by the “popular” (or socially better-connected) people. As anyone could guess (that Weltanschauung again, darn it) that would have been me at one point in time - how else would I be able to so keenly identify this issue? Life experience on my part tells me what missteps I made and I guess I can’t direct him when he’s simply not tall enough (as an analogy to life experience) to see the same landscape I see.</p>

<p>Yet, go ahead and sue me - there is no good mom on this planet who does not want their kid to have the best and doesn’t encourage their kid to stretch their comfort zone just a little to get to the next level. As I said initially, I think the “hands-off, sink-or-swim” approach can be taken too far, although I’m far from hover-parent. Eventually I’ll be forced to just take the big chill pill but you brought up the point of Orientation Week, and that’s exactly it: I do believe that a lot of stuff gets set into the mold right then and there, particularly because I know it’s my son’s predilection to just get in a rut and stay there. And it’s a pretty small school, compounding the problem.</p>

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<p>No no, I’m not gonna sue you – just saying worrying (or more precisely, letting him know you are worrying) might backfire. Expressing confidence in his social abilities might let him see himself as a person with choices. Most people are not perfect at this social stuff - neither the gaming nerds who hang out in a herd, nor the partiers who are never without the bro’ crew. (Certainly not me!) </p>

<p>Care to look on the bright side? At least he’s not a womanizing drunk! (Yes, I know you know that already.) How small is his school? Also, maybe he’ll get a smart, outgoing girlfriend!</p>

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<p>If you want your son to keep an open mind about having diverse friendships, you might want to likewise keep an open mind about his “sub-par” friendships with “geeky nerds.” </p>

<p>You can practice open-mindedness while you preach it.</p>

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<p>**** at least he’s making connections.</p>

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<p>Oh, I know I sound intolerant. That would be selling me short, though, if you knew the background and history of my level of tolerance, acceptance, my usual attitude of non-prejudice. If anyone can be accused of being TOO open-minded for her own good, it would be me… or would have been me years ago. But that’s another story.</p>

<p>… it really comes down to the fact that I don’t want him saying he’ll interact with this group, but not that one. I think that’s a mistake.</p>

<p>A similar example that people can relate to is: What if a student decided they’d interact with only one racial group and write off another (or all others) sight unseen? Most people would say, “That’s not really cool, and it’s restrictive in a way that is only going to limit possibilities and rule out a lot of people who could be good friends.”</p>

<p>Believe me, I am glad that he has connections. I’ve heard of other people getting to college and interacting with no one and that’s another bad scene, for sure.</p>

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<p>just make sure his grades are in check and stop worrying</p>

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<p>I’m curious,OP. What kind of people do you interact with, and would you want your son to encourage you to broaden your friendships?</p>

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<p>The chief difference in that example is that you can’t choose to be black or white. Whereas you can choose to be a punk/******/bro/scenester/hipster/skater/stoner/whatever other social group you can think of.</p>

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<p>DCHurricane:
I didn’t say it was an exact match as analogies go. I’m not sure what difference it makes to the topic, though. I wouldn’t expect people to change their “type” if that’s the word to describe social groups such as you have listed. I was only saying that I think it’s restrictive to choose only one “type” of person and adamantly refuse to interact with another type. He actually said “geek/nerd only” and said he would not consider anyone else. I think he is sort of intolerant or rigid.</p>

<p>Northstarmom: the best way I can answer you is o refer back to something I’ve already touched upon if you read one of my reply posts (or was it the original… I don’t know, it was a long post, I know):</p>

<p>I have not excluded people from being my friends if they smoke cigarettes; some people actually won’t have anything to do with smokers. Some people drink more than I do (I used to not drink at some stages of my life but I never excluded people who do.) Now that I’m thinking of it, I’ve been friends with and even married to (previous marriage) people who use drugs and even heavy-duty ones, while I was married, though I didn’t do that at all. I was raised among people who excused smoking/drinking/drug use in others; many people wouldn’t even consider interacting with known drug users.</p>

<p>My son has stated that he excludes without exception those who smoke. (outside only, at that) See what I mean about rigid?</p>

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<p>Thanks for the help from most of you… a few people have been kind of snippy (really, northstarmom, I think you can see that I’m not the one who needs to expand the circle of friends and I’m the one in favor of NOT excluding anyone on any basis or worse yet, choosing only ONE characteristic that will be acceptable for friendships and throwing everyone else out sight unseen)</p>

<p>So anyway, update: just now he called up to tell me he was on his way to visit nerd 2 of “nerd 1 and nerd 2” (the dreaded “only” friends) and some guys called out to him and told him to come on into their room (their hall is having an open door policy starting today)…</p>

<p>So he and some new people he didn’t really know were singing and playing drums (I assume Rockband drums if it’s in a tiny dorm room!) and they all had a blast. He actually admitted that I had been right and he had a really good time. Wow, huh? </p>

<p>I only hope he keeps up with this and I told him to remember that he doesn’t have to wait till people shout out his name… he can stick his head into any gathering and try to be outgoing. Introverts will never be total extroverts but some degree of extroversion can be learned, and even small amounts of it can be really helpful socially.</p>

<p>But any more advice from anyone, keep it coming.</p>

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<p>I like how well written your posts are.</p>

<p>Would people think it was shallow if the OP’s son was a preppy jock who scorned geeks, and she was concerned he was being judgemental about geeks? </p>

<p>The group he’s in and the group he judges shouldn’t matter. She is saying she’s concerned that her kid is so judgemental, I think. </p>

<p>Nothing wrong with wanting your kid to be more open minded.</p>

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<p>“I realize I can’t impart decades’ worth of life experience on someone who just turned 18 but we don’t want to see him slamming doors and shutting out social contacts that could turn out to be useful later in his life (his roommate is the son of two high-achieving attorneys in public offices, just as one example)…”</p>

<p>I think that you should let your son figure things out on his own. College is for most people a broadening experience, and they’ll encounter all sorts of people whom otherwise they might not have the opportunity to get to know.</p>

<p>I don’t think it’s possible for your son to be in college and to completely ignore people whom he normally wouldn’t socialize with. Normal socializing in dorms, cafeterias, living with a roommate, having to do group assignments in classes will force him to make acquaintances of a variety of types of people. I don’t think that you need to do anything to encourage him to do this. In fact, I think that your counseling him on this subject may make him resist the opportunities he has to get to know a variety of people. He may avoid nongeek types just to prove to you that he’s independent.</p>

<p>"My son has stated that he excludes without exception those who smoke. (outside only, at that) See what I mean about rigid? "</p>

<p>I really doubt that he’ll continue that level of rigidity throughout college whether or not you keep encouraging him to broaden his perspectives on friendships. It’s just too hard to exclude entire categories of people once one is in college.</p>

<p>My advice from experience is to be careful what you wish for. When he was in high school, my older son used to be extremely rigid about things like premarital sex, drug use, and cigarette smoking. He thought that people who used any kind of drugs – even pot – should be imprisoned, for instance. He was the type of guy who wore polo shirts buttoned all of the way to the top.</p>

<p>He spent all of his free time writing and editing for a local newspaper or writing fiction. He was an extreme workaholic (though the workaholism didn’t extend to academics, but that’s another story…) He chose not to date. He chose not to go to parties. He had only one friend and they did things like write stories together. </p>

<p>When he went to college, however, he dove headfirst into everything including heavy drinking, smoking dope, being sexually promiscuous. After he dropped out of college, he became a pack a day smoker.</p>

<p>He’s now 26, and from what I can tell, he seems to have stopped the heavy partying, drug use, and may have stopped smoking.</p>

<p>I now suspect, however, that his rigid views in high school were his way of trying to avoid doing things that he himself was drawn to doing.</p>

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<p>My D, now a junior, has become a lot less rigid, a lot less judgmental.</p>

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<p>Thanks Northstarmom and Shrinkrap. That’s what I’ve been hoping for - some loosening up but not a whirlwind tour of debauchery. :slight_smile: I realize there’s a fine line so I’ve been trying to walk it. I appreciate your stories, btw.</p>

<p>I guess the background neither of you can know is my own son. I’m the one who’s been raising him for 18 years, so I know his tendency to get in a rut and stay right there. I wanted to prevent that at the outset. As I stated early on, I know that the stock-and-trade advice is to let them figure it out for themselves but I don’t necessarily buy into that at all times, at every moment, and this is one of those times that I felt it was a crucial juncture where I might (and this is taking a gamble and also might not even work) be able to influence him to expand his social circle in a way that turns out positive for him. I’ll just hope for the best now.</p>

<p>What I did NOT want was for what I could just foresee happening: When several months have gone by, he might be the one people in his own immediate vicinity (dorm) have given up trying to interact with, as in, “We know him, but we never hang out with him - he’s always seen with just these other two guys who live somewhere else. I’ve never, ever eaten lunch with him, either, and I guess I probably never will.” He’s pretty immature and socially timid in some ways so I wanted him to get his feet wet right away so that people are at least on friendly speaking terms with him and not just giving him a formal nod, if that, because they think he never wanted anything to do with them.</p>