Help me help this kid

Parent Cafe
1

<p>This afternoon, a good friend of my younger (junior) daughter texted D to say that she is feeling so unhappy and pressured that she wishes she could die. Alarmed, we immediately went to pick up the friend and brought her to our house to talk. Many Kleenexes, cocoa and cookies later, she’s been able to give me a reasonably coherent story. Now I just have to figure out what to do about it.</p>

<p>If I can believe her–and while I know that’s a big “if” with angst-ridden adolescents, my parental lie-radar isn’t being triggered by her story–she is under relentless pressure from her parents and constant criticism about being not good enough, obedient enough, excelling enough, grateful enough, etc. Her brother is the favored child…to the extent that they’ve warned her not to expect any financial help with college from them because they have to pay for his college.</p>

<p>I asked her if she feels physically safe at home; she said yes. Her parents don’t hit her, they berate her. But I’m very concerned about her mental state. She sounds severely depressed–maybe not seriously suicidal yet, but sad & tired enough for the idea of escaping it all to seem a little too alluring. My daughter confirms that she’s seemed much more depressed and worried at school lately, too.</p>

<p>I offered to go with her to talk to her parents, but that threw her into a panic. She seemed very scared and insisted that that would only make matters worse. So for now, I’ve suggested that she ask her parents if she can stay with us tonight, so that I can drive her to school in the morning and make sure she starts talking with a counselor there. </p>

<p>Part of me wonders if I should have taken her someplace to be evaluated by a professional. But I don’t have a legal right to admit somebody else’s kid for treatment, even if I wanted to. </p>

<p>It sounds like her parents aren’t completely unaware that she’s unhappy, but their response seems to be to accuse her of being ungrateful for all that they’ve given her. She’s not lacking in material possessions, certainly. But she seems half-starved for affection and approval.</p>

<p>Am I nuts for getting in the middle of this? What else can I do for this kid to be sure she gets the help she needs? I’m not averse to keeping her for awhile, but that might just make things worse with her parents. This feels like such a minefield. :(</p>

2

<p>Are you nuts for trying to help a child cope? Absolutely not. She and your kids are lucky, and you should feel grateful that she is comfortable talking to you about it.</p>

<p>There may be some distortion of the reality due to her perspective, but if your D has sensed that there has been problems prior to this, you don’t have any choice but to intercede. Do you know the parents?</p>

<p>I think your idea of giving her a break tonight, taking her to school tomorrow, and sharing the issues with the school is a good one. Does she know you’re planning to share the crisis with the school?</p>

<p>I’m sorry for you, but you’re right, it is a minefield you’re walking into. I would hope that her parents don’t realize the impact their comments have on their daughter, and once they do, they’ll rethink their behavior.</p>

<p>Keeping my fingers crossed that it works out for her, and that you get some peace from it.</p>

3

<p>My daughter had a friend similar to this in HS and when I tried to talk to the parents in a really non-confrontational way, I learned that things were not as bad as described to me, but seemed even WORSE! However, even in my concern there was a shoot the messenger thing and in the end, the kid ended up abusing drugs and spending the equiv of his college savings on rehab. The good news is that once he was able, he enrolled at the local state school and finally, out on his own, truly excelled. I say keep trying, but at the same time, I don’t think much can change if the parents aren’t brought into the conversation.</p>

4

<p>You can suggest she talk to her school guidance counselor. Or your daughter or you could contact that person if she doesn’t want to.</p>

5

<p>Yes, I talked with her about asking the school counselors and/or psychologist for help. She didn’t seem terribly confident they could help, but she agreed to let me take her to the office in the morning. </p>

<p>I don’t really know the parents, which makes all this more difficult.</p>

6

<p>And a reminder that verbal abuse can be every bit as damaging as physical abuse.</p>

7

<p>I think your idea of taking her to school tmw and having her talk with a social worker/counselor… or your talking to same (even if the young friend of your D is reluctant to go) is a good idea.</p>

<p>I think that I would bow out at that point, as I wouldn’t have the expertise to help, might do or say the wrong thing to the girl even in my desire to help. And I would fear a “shoot the messenger” response from the parents if I brought this to their attention in any way.</p>

<p>In my experience, a good hs social worker knows the therapists in the community who are good with adolescents and could make a referral if the social worker/counselor doesn’t have the expertise herself.</p>

8

<p>I strongly suggest that you talk to her school GC tomorrow morning. I also believe that it’s very important for you to tell the parents. Tonight. Their D’s life may be at risk. They need to have that information, and the GC needs to have that info, too. </p>

<p>The girl’s sharing with you was a cry for help. The best help that you can do for her is to follow what I’m suggesting. Not telling the parents would be as wrong as if the girl had come to you with a medical emergency, but asked you not to tell her parents. The girl is not the best judge of how to handle her situation or who should be notified.</p>

9

<p>“It sounds like her parents aren’t completely unaware that she’s unhappy, but their response seems to be to accuse her of being ungrateful for all that they’ve given her.” </p>

<p>This is a response of parents who are defensive and less than able to give full empathy and support to their children. The child says she is hurting, and the parents become the wounded party. These are likely parents who are often angry and totally unaware of how their anger affects their family. The son in this scenario is suffering too - his favored status is based on the parents focusing on his achievements, vs. based on their unconditional love for him. </p>

<p>There is likely not much you can do to directly intervene with this family - the most likely scenario will be defensiveness, and perhaps an unwelcome backlash against the daughter - they may forbid her from going back to your house, or try to undermine her friendship with your daughter. You can help the daughter immensely by simply listening to her with caring, reflecting to her that she deserves unconditional love and support for just being who she is and that she definitely has yours, and facilitating her connecting with the school guidance counselor. You can also support your daughter to be a strong support to her friend - help your daughter through this stressful situation of caring about a friend who’s suffering by offering suggestions of how your daughter can provide the best support to her. </p>

<p>Thank you for caring about this child who needs it!</p>

10

<p>The girl has basically threatened suicide. Her parents need to know ASAP. I would not take on the responsibility of having a suicidal person in my house. There have been many people who have talked in the way that the girl talked to you and then have killed themselves. It doesn’t take long for a person to do such a thing.</p>

<p>My advice comes from a double perspective: That of having been a psychologist who worked in the field including with suicidal patients, and that of having been an adolescent myself who attempted suicide. Anyone who tells another person what she told you is desperate for help – help that a trained professional needs to provide, and her family needs to be aware that she’s in an emergency situation.</p>

11

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12

<p>Well, if the girl’s parents won’t help with college she really has nothing to lose. She should get to college and stay there, if she can hang in at home, in HS, for another year. Or go join the military for a few years. She may just have to learn to discount all they say.</p>

<p>I think you should feel good about your help.</p>

13

<p>You are indeed in a difficult situation. I agree with Northstarmom; the parents need to at least know what is going on with their daughter. I’m not sure you can even “legally” keep a minor at your home overnight without the parents knowledge. Perhaps you could speak with them, let them know their daughter is indeed extremely upset and wishes to stay at your home and go to school from there in the morning. I don’t think it is up to you to “get in the middle of it” but they need to know where the child is. Why not have the girl call a teen hotline for support; if there is not a teen suicide hotline in your area I’m sure you could find an “800” number by looking online. It would be important for her to contact someone with the professional knowledge to help sort this out and figure out the immediate steps to take.</p>

14

<p>My perspective is admittedly colored by the experience of a friend whose child invented abuse claims and used them to manipulate other adults, who unquestioningly believed every fabrication. This girl may or may not have an accurate view of her parents, and she may or may not be telling the truth. </p>

<p>What is beyond doubt is that she is seriously troubled. My friend’s child was–and is–also. I agree with NSM that the kid is basically threatening suicide, and that her parents need to be told ASAP. They need to be told in a manner that does not prejudge them, though. My inclination would be to hedge my bets by informing both the parents AND the school GC.</p>

15

<p>wow. I want to say that you are amazing that you want to help your D’s friend.</p>

<p>I hope everything works out.</p>

16

<p>Her staying here tonight was contingent on her telling her parents where she’d be. In the morning I’ll entrust her to the professionals at the school, and ask their advice on how best to inform her parents of what she’s going through. I hesitate to get any more in the middle than that, especially if I want this girl to still be allowed to continue her friendship with my daughter.</p>

<p>I recognize that I’m not getting the full story here. But she looks so sad and exhausted that it’s certain she’s troubled about <em>something</em>. So if I can get her at least talking to somebody, it’ll be worth it.</p>

17

<p>Teenagers need caring adults outside of their families and it is wonderful that you are offering to extend yourself to this child. Did her parents allow her to sleep over? Can you plan something fun and light-hearted that you would enjoy doing with your daughter and her friend? Sometimes finding an adult who treats them nicely and wants to spend a bit of time and attention on them is pleasantly surprising for teenagers. Northstarmom’s warning is valid, but for the long-term, this girl might enjoy having an ‘auntie’ if you are up to it and your daughter is okay with it.</p>

18

<p>Whatever has happened between this girl and her parents doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t care about her. My rule with my daughter was that she could tell me anything, but if she told me anything that made me feel that one of her friends was in danger, I would tell the parents. I think that was comforting to her, actually.</p>

19

<p>Lunitari: I think you have a solid plan. You know that your D’s friend is safe for the night, and you plan to talk to professionals at her school tomorrow. Consulting with professionals face to face is the best plan IMO. There are no lack of opinions here on CC; however, you can only know that you’re getting a “professional” opinion" by actually talking to one. Guidance counselors have training in how to get troubled kids the help they need, and they are aware of all the resources that can be used to help this child. Good luck.</p>

20

<p>I have not read all responses but my immediate reaction is yes it is a minefield but you need to “be there” for this kid. Not necessarily intervene - but be there for support and a shoulder to cry on or just to let off steam. Realistically that is really all you should do, but it could be the best thing for her.</p>