<p>My eldest daughter will be headed off to college in 4 weeks time and I’m looking for advice from those who have gone before. I just can’t decide what my husband and I should be doing between now and the time she goes. Our daughter has been hanging out with a new group of friends that seem to be a lot wilder than she is. She’s fairly easily influenced and she’s rushing along doing things that even 2 months ago she would not have done-smoking, drinking alcohol, sleeping with every guy she can lay her hands on. And before you say “you may not have known about it before”, I can honestly say it wasn’t going on until this summer</p>
<p>I keep oscillating between thinking that in a few weeks time there won’t be anything I can do about it so I should keep my mouth shut and feeling I should step in and at least let her know that her father and I disapprove of her actions. She’s always been a fairly serious kid. We told her to lighten up a bit and just have some fun this summer but she’s taken it to the extreme.</p>
<p>I hate the fact that I seem to be just holding my breath waiting for her to go.</p>
<p>Help!!</p>
<p>I don’t agree with the “keep my mouth shut because in xx months there is nothing I can do about it” theory. Your daughter is engaging in dangerous behavior. I would sit her right s down and let her know that this is not what you meant by lighten up. I would give her the harsh realities of her behavior, particularly the sexual behavior. Is she on birth control? Do these boys have multiple partners? Is she prepared for a pregnancy or STD?
If there is driving going along with the drinking is she prepared that she might injury someone or herself? Is she prepared to lose her license or go to jail?
Time to let her know that her behavior is immature, unacceptable and that you are disappointed in her.</p>
<p>A lot of changes seem to be happening. Is there a reason why she is hanging out with new friends? So I am assuming she hasn’t been working or ? this summer?
It is going to be hard to put structure in place, but it sounds like she just isn’t " fouling the nest" as that usually refers to fights with parents, but it sounds like she is behaving in a way that is dangerous/illegal behavior.</p>
<p>I would really want to know- why she has switched groups of friends- did something happen?</p>
<p>ebeeee /emerald : We’ve had the discussions several years ago regarding safe sex and the like. She is on birth control (for other reasons), uses condoms, etc. She doesn’t drink and drive. She told me that the parents of one of her new friends allows them to drink at their house. I actually spoke with the father of this girl the first time our daugther wanted to spend the night to make sure they were going to be there, etc. Now come to find out they let the kids have parties with guys that spend the night and let the kids drink as along as they don’t drive. (something my daughter knows we disapprove not least of which because it is illegal)</p>
<p>She is working but she hangs out with these friends after work or at the weekends during sleepovers. She’s never been particularly social in the past and we encouraged her to go have fun now that all her hard work during the last 4 years is over before she heads off to start it up all over again…but I thought she’d just relax a little, not go find out how much rebellion she can pack into one summer.</p>
<p>My daugther is fairly compliant and if we tell her no, she’ll stop. My conundrum is what happens in a months time when we won’t be there to be her conscience. Part of my thought of just keeping my mouth shut is to see if she learns from her mistakes or realises this isn’t something she should be doing on her own</p>
<p>Ds has had subtle changes in his behavior as he tries out his new adult status, but your dd’s actions are over the top. I could not in good conscience allow my dd to engage in these behaviors. How do you know about these new behaviors, and what have you said to her about them?</p>
<p>ETA: We cross-posted. Does she tell you she’s sleeping with these guys?</p>
<p>I would say no to the alcohol, and problem solve the rest WITH her. Let her know the alcohol may be interfering with her learning how to “loosen up” in a way she will be more comfortable with in the long run.</p>
<p>Let me flesh this out a bit more:</p>
<p>She will be going to Europe for her degree and part of her rationale of drinking is that it is legal there so she might as well get an early start on “learnng how to drink”. Her father and I have sat her down and told her that it is still very much illegal in the US for her to drink unless she is in our home and we give it to her. We told her that it is very clear that what her friend’s parents are doing is illegal and that if she still chooses to do so she needs to be aware that she is breaking the law. We told her that if she chooses to break the law she will not be doing so driving our car. We told her that there is no pre-ordained rule that says she must drink at all in Europe and she must decide if she is a drinker or not.</p>
<p>The sleeping around is a tougher one. She’s always craved the attention of boys for some reason. We’ve been able to keep that one fairly under control the last year or so for the most part by keeping her busy with school and work and basically telling her “no boyfriends”. I learn through facebook that she’s “friends” with all the new, older guys. I have found out after the fact that these guys are sleeping at the same sleepovers that I was assured would be just this girl and her family. I could simply tell her she can’t sleep over anymore but how is that going to put her in a position of figuring these things out for herself. Yet I feel if I say nothing she will interpret that to mean I approve. </p>
<p>As I said, she is compliant and does what we say in the past. We’ve been slowly trying to allow her to use her own judgement in making decisions but so far she hasn’t been doing a good job of it.</p>
<p>First, just because the guys are sleeping over, too, doesn’t mean she’s sleeping with all of them (of course, it doesn’t mean she’s not!). Who assured you it was just the girls? Your dd?</p>
<p>I would have no qualms about clamping down on all of it. If you don’t feel good about her drinking and sleeping with these older guys, especially knowing she’s lied about it, then I’d tell her you simply aren’t going to be a party to that and institute a curfew that you can live with. If she knows she has to drive home, perhaps she won’t drink and then won’t engage in the other negative behavior. You know your dd best and whether this would work. It would with my ds, who also is pretty compliant.</p>
<p>Even though you won’t be there when she goes to school your voice will be there and her conscience will be there. Didn’t you ever think “aww what if my Mom found out?” I know I did.</p>
<p>In my experience if you approach children with respect they will listen and consider what you say. They may not do exactly what you ask, but they will at least take it into account. As a young man I was able to figure out some things more quickly than I would have otherwise because people, both friends and adults, talked to me. My view is that just because I cannot control what children will do in the future while away at college doesn’t mean I have to accept certain types of behavior while they are living at home. Hope it all works out.</p>
<p>I am probably in the minority here but I don’t buy in to ‘learning how to drink’. It comes pretty quickly. If you can’t taste the alcohol and it looks like kool-aid, you’ll drink too much and be sick. Do it enough and you might get tired of it. Starting at home isn’t going to ‘prep’ her for school.</p>
<p>Institute some rules. No co ed sleepovers. It doesn’t matter what she can do at school. Doing at another parents home doesn’t make it right (it makes the other parent kind of creepy). You don’t have to comply. If she chooses to drink, she may not drive and MUST call for a ride in time for cerfew. She is not legal in the country. She may not be treated so kindly here in the states which would put a serious damper on her college plans.</p>
<p>It sounds like part of what your daughter is doing is for the sake of doing it under your roof. She’s waited this long. It really isn’t a big deal to wait for some things until college. She’s doing a good job of really making a show of it. Don’t be a spectator.</p>
<p>You are still her parent.</p>
<p>Clamping down on this isn’t going to let your daughter learn. Have you talked to her and just told her your concerns? By telling her no, what you’re probably doing is just delaying this until college, when you won’t be able to monitor her at all. However, by talking it all out with her and explaining exactly what you don’t like about it, you’re going to leave a much longer lasting impression. </p>
<p>Just my views as a young college student who is very much like your daughter. </p>
<p>Honestly, IMO, the only thing she’s doing wrong here is lying to you. However, she is probably lying because she knows you’ll disapprove. This might actually be preventing her from talking to you. The drinking is whatever. I don’t drink that much but I also have a mom from Europe and alcohol has never been off limits to me. I personally think the 21 drinking age is beyond ridiculous and that as long as she’s not driving or drinking in public, that it’s not something to worry about- unless she starts getting alcohol poisoning or if she’s drinking everyday. Same with the sex. As long as it’s consensual and she’s using protection, then she is probably going to be OK. But I can almost guarantee you that by telling her no or by telling her what to do- all you are doing is delaying all of this behavior until college. A discussion of why you disapprove and how it affects her will go much further.</p>
<p>^ These are some good points. I’d like to clarify as I don’t think our opinions are too far off.
Talk to her. Tell her your concerns.
I didn’t say forbid drinking…drinking and driving. If she chooses to drink she MUST call for a ride home. No exceptions.
I didn’t say forbid sex (how do you do that…you can try to discourage it, but kids will find a way). The point is no co-ed sleep overs.
The larger point I was trying to make is she is going to try different things, it’s the respect that is deserved, and probably earned. As roman pointed out the lying…that comes back to respect. It’s a mutual understanding that she is going to do different things now that she is older, however she will show you respect in following certain boundries that do not forbid the behavior, only serve to curtail it a bit (and keep her safe).
At the end of the day, you have to do what YOU think is right for your daughter, you, and your relationship.</p>
<p>roman I completely disagree with you. You say “as long as its consensual” on the sex but the OP has stated that there is alcohol. Wherever there is a lot of alcohol the question of consensual is cloudy. Given that she does not have relationships with these guys she is putting herself in a vulnerable and perhaps dangerous position.</p>
<p>To be honest ebeeeee, there is more sex in college that involves alcohol than does not. Does alcohol make your consent a little murky? Probably. But alcohol is going to be involved in sex and decisions more in college than it is not. Therefore, I don’t think clamping down on it this summer is going to do anything. That’s why I said talk to her rather than just telling her no.</p>
<p>It really isn’t a big deal to wait for some things until college. She’s doing a good job of really making a show of it. Don’t be a spectator.</p>
<p>Good call. I would wager since this is wild behavior for her, she is hoping that something/someone will help her put a stop to it.</p>
<p>I agree w/much of what you’re saying, roman. The dd sounds for the most part like a reasonable girl so I think discussion is certainly in order and may be enough to get the desired change in behavior, but even if it doesn’t, it puts the dd on notice that the mom doesn’t condone this behavior. It’s difficult when you’re a parent to give them wings and remain true to yourself.</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for your comments. They were all extremely useful. My husband and I did have a very good conversation with our daughter. We didn’t say to her “we forbid you from doing what you are doing” but " you are making unhealthy decisions". What transpired was that our daughter had misread our recent actions. She twisted things in her head to think because we were not intervening, laying down the rules, and telling her “NO” it meant that we were ok with her actions. </p>
<p>What we discussed with her was that these were opportunities for her to start making some of these decisions herself, with our support if needed. She’s always been someone who thrives best in a structured environment, so we talked about what rules she could set for herself that would provide the best framework for her to be healthy. She actually found it a relief to realise that “freedom” doesn’t equate to “no rules”. She then made some simple clear rules for herself. We let her know that we neither approving or diapproving the rules but we’re available to talk with her to help her recognise what things work best for her. We still stand ready to let her know if we feel she is moving into a realm that is not healthy and to support her when she has difficulties. I am so glad we didn’t stand by and be a spector because it resulted in her taking some small steps in setting her own rules. </p>
<p>Thank you all so much. It has helped us all.</p>
<p>This actually is a very good thing- because it can now give her practice to establish what * she wants* for herself, which may go against the flow of her dorm once she is in college.
( although most colleges are large enough to find groups of people that share many interests)</p>
<p>Im glad you were able to get some help-</p>
<p>Thanks for the update!</p>