Help me with my essay

College Admissions
#1

<p>My essays are really horrible please don't flame me I know it sux what can I do to make it better?</p>

<ol>
<li><p>How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?
I grew up in a very closed environment where every one stayed inside of their niche scared to venture out. The Asians hang out with the Asians. The Blacks with the Blacks and the so called outcasts with other outcasts. This has influenced me to be a very open person and try to understand and socialize with all walks of life rather then discriminate against some one because of what they look like or how they dress.</p></li>
<li><p>Why did you choose to apply to UCF?
I visted and reasearched many campuses in Florida. I became really intrested in the University of Central Florida because of the Digital Media program. I spoke with some people in the program who told me how it was great so I then decided to visit the campus. I was amazed at how gorgeus the campus and thats what sold me.</p></li>
</ol>

#2

<ol>
<li><p>Be more specific. What kind of environment was this? Who are these 'every one's? Who makes the label of so-called outcasts? How were you influenced to be the opposite of your environment instead of the same? How did you get any practice if you didn't grow up that way. Where was this strange environment located? Was it specific to your block, your neighborhood, town or state? Or is it some far away country with strange rules? There are no details here that let the reader understand.</p></li>
<li><p>Tell why the Digital media program fits with your educational goals.</p></li>
</ol>

#3

<p>ok thanks I will rewrite it</p>

#4

<p>I decided to do a diffrent essay from the 3rd option I posted</p>

<ol>
<li>If you were president of the United States for a day, what one policy - whether serious or semi-serious - would you implement? Why? </li>
</ol>

<p>If I were President for a day I would implement an alternative fuel policy. Reason being gas prices and pollution are at an all time high,economy is low, and we rely to much on foreign oil. As world demand swells the value of a forty two gallon barrel of crude oil goes past the 55 dollar mark and most states are paying over 2 dollars for gasoline. This is causing basic necessities to go up like groceries since the shipping companies have to pay more to ship the items and even airline companies are going bankrupt because of the cost of gas is to much. Gas pollutes the air and causes the hole in the ozone to grow larger. With alternative fuel most if not all of those problems can be eliminated.</p>

<ol>
<li>Why did you choose to apply to UCF?
I have always been a computer person and a creative person. I have been dabbling with Web Design since my middle school years. By my Junior year of high school I had to decide where I wanted to go. I visted and reasearched many campuses in Florida. I became really interested in the University of Central Florida because of the Digital Media program which very few four year schools offer and because of the amazing location and campus I decided that UCF was for me.</li>
</ol>

#5

<ol>
<li>You need to try to refine it so it has more flow. Also, don't forget the difference between "to" and "too". You have good ideas: you just need to work on expressing them more cogently.</li>
</ol>

<p>A few examples of what I mean:</p>

<p>"Reason being gas prices and pollution are at an all time high,economy is low, and we rely to much on foreign oil."
With pollution at an all time high and the economy in a slump, becoming energy independent is a critical goal.</p>

<p>"This is causing basic necessities to go up like groceries since the shipping companies have to pay more to ship the items and even airline companies are going bankrupt because of the cost of gas is to much."
This is causing the cost of basic necessities to skyrocket since shipping companies are forced to pay more to transport the items; even airlines are going bankrupt as a result of the exorbitant price of gasoline.</p>

#6

<p>4 is very good now.</p>

<p>Be sure to write proper sentences...(The reason... not Reason being)</p>

#7

<ol>
<li>Same advice as number 2. Try to work on using more complex sentence structures to keep the reader's interest. Also, the last sentence needs to be split into two.</li>
</ol>

<p>For example:
The unique Digital Media program at UCF caught my attention; it seems perfectly suited for my technological inclinations. The amazing location and campus sealed the deal: UCF is where I want to be.</p>

<p>I think you're off to a good start. Good luck with your application!</p>

#8

<p>wtf are there 3 floridians around here?</p>

<p>slipstream, me, and kenshi?</p>