Help my College Essay! (please)

Hi everyone, its my first post here. I am living in Hawaii and I am applying to these schools-
NYU
Boston U
George Washington U
University of Wisconsin- Madison

Here is my current essay:

I come from a family devoted to science, specifically biology. Both my parents are scientists, and both have little time for much that is not easily classified or catalogued. In the summer following sophomore year, a scientific career seemed the logical – not to mention only – choice. Over the following months my opinion of the scientific profession began to evolve; it no longer represented a pinnacle of human achievement. Then one fateful day I stumbled upon a revelation: I actually hate science, biology included.

Summer progressed with some degree of normalcy for two weeks, until the date I first nervously reported to the fortified 1950’s style bomb shelter that housed the USDA laboratories. Lamentably, the interior of the building mirrored the outside: long block corridors clad in a shade of pale green created an ambiance reminiscent of psychiatric wards. Before long my boss, Dr. Judith Stable, a kindly yet severe looking woman who upholds the virtue of lab cleanliness above all else, had me working on both important and menial tasks alike. Time passed quickly.

One day as I was meticulously (in science one must always be careful) entering an endless stream of cattle data into a spreadsheet, I was rudely awakened from my typical post lunch-trance. At precisely one o’clock Dr. Stable made an impromptu appearance in the laboratory to announce, “One of our cows, number 163, has just died. We all need to prepare for a posting [autopsy] at one thirty.” And, after a quick surveying of the lab she added, “Gregory, I noticed some dirt by the autoclave. Please take care of it.”

“Of course.” As I vigorously swept, the first emotion I experienced was perverse delight. I had always disliked cow number 163, whose favorite pastime consisted of kicking anyone unfortunate enough to be within range. Now dumping the contents of the dustpan into the wastebasket, my glee quickly turned to dread. I have never had a strong constitution – I nearly fainted during eighth grade health class multiple times; how was I going to handle dissecting a cow? Worse still, my mild mannered co-workers had transformed into a wild pack of ravenous bloodthirsty fiends, excitedly discussing their upcoming roles in the gore. As time dwindled, I attempted to maintain an outwardly cool appearance while frantically fighting a rising tide of anxiety. After much concern, I finally arrived upon an irrefutable fact: I had been performing an experimental assay all day, which could not be abandoned. Mercifully Dr. Stable agreed, and I managed to avert certain disaster at the posting.

After that day, work returned to a more familiar tempo with one small difference. While I continued to work dutifully, I knew that I was not going to follow in the footsteps of my parents and become a scientist. While still undecided, I am much more excited about a possible career in history, political science, or even architecture. I simply do not like science, despite my lineage. And that is a scientifically proven fact. (END)

Thanks for the help. By the way, is there anyway to change my username? I registered about a year ago and never used my name, but now I want to become more active.

<p>You write well, and the essay is interesting. BUT: do you really want to use the opportunity to be known just to say that you don’t want to be a scientist? Isn’t there something more positive about your character that you want a college to know?</p>

<p>I think it is a very good essay. It’s true that it mostly shows what you don’t like (as opposed to what you do), but it also shows that you can write very well, have a sense of humor, and are not afraid to change the path when you find yourself on a wrong one. I’d say go with it.</p>

<p>Thumbs up.</p>

<p>Thanks for the confidence boost. I guess I will send this essay to the rest of my schools too, I already sent it to NYU for early decision. No word on the user name changing? Oh well.</p>

<p>I think that the point of the essay is to tell the school what yourt intrested in and what you like so that the school can find out if you are right for them. I think you are diverting from this concept because you emphasize what you dont like/ want to be. This is only my opinion though</p>

<p>I love it. It’s the only essay I’ve read on here that’s made me laugh.</p>

<p>I usually don’t like dry writing, but your tone is simply perfect-- scientific.</p>

<p>Oh how I love it.</p>

<p>Wow, r2005 is rather <em>enthusiastic</em>, thanks though. Your post made me laugh.</p>

<p>Coming from a usually cynical person, you should take my “enthusiasm” as a major compliment.</p>

<p>I was in a fabulous mood that day, so I’m glad you got some humor out of it ;)</p>

<p>My original comments regarding your essay still stand, though.</p>

<p>Maybe take the last 2 sentences out of PP #1 so it is more of a surprise how your summer job unfolds, nixing a scientific career instead of clinching one? You could replace these sentences with some notion of how great it was to land a job at the lab, how your parents were happy about it, etc, how now you were off and running as a scientist…</p>

<p>Love the whole cow thing. Make more of the dread of autopsy. Nice essay and well written!</p>

<p>Thanks SBmom, I am assuming that you are in fact a mom. It is nice to have some representation from the other age groups, as it is middle age people and up reading the essays.</p>

<p>I am a mom, yes. I liked your essay because it had a sense of humor & a sense of independence. I think you can keep polishing it but you are on the right track.</p>

<p>I’m a parent as well. So you’ve got at least two fans in the “middle-aged” group :)</p>