Ok, I said “kick him out” based on this statement by the OP:
I want them to kick him out for the young man’s sake, not for theirs. This 20 year old guy has got to be miserable living under this roof with these uber-controlling parents.
They don’t know how to treat him like an adult, so he doesn’t know how to behave like one. Getting him out is his best hope for growing up and doing his own thing.
I was independent at 19 with no college degree and managed not to starve, do drugs, or prostitute myself. I had a crappy apartment, a crappy job, and a VERY crappy vehicle purchased from a junk yard for $400. But I made it and I ran my own ship. I kicked myself out, but not everyone is strong enough to do this.
Setting reasonable expectations. What happens if they don’t even follow that, after everyone agreed?
One theme seems to be let him come as go as he pleases, just be respectful. We are struggling w/ this as well, as our daughter takes off for days on end. Comes home, showers, and takes off again.
They are not good people. They don’t work. They are older and are on welfare/disability. Everyone single one I know of has a court record. Her current boyfriend is 36 years old and in and out of jail, but it isn’t his fault. 8-|
She no longer hangs out w/ her old friends because they are so immature.
I went to my first NAMI family support group meeting last night. There were quite a few parents there with adult children in their late 20s who are struggling with various mental health challenges, be it depression or anxiety, or bipolar, or unknown diagnosis.
Some were still living at home, some were out of the house but receiving varying degrees of parental support. Some were medicine & treatment compliant, and some were not.
HIGHLY recommend a meeting like this, with experienced parents who have SEEN IT ALL. There were some good ideas tossed around, resource suggestions, and lots of laughter too. The atmosphere was supportive, nonjudgmental, & the parents were nodding in understanding as others spoke.
Hat tip to @MaineLonghorn for recommending NAMI here at CC.
When you mentioned he leaves home for days at a time, I started wondering about possible drug addiction. The other thing to consider might be that he is majoring in a field beyond his ability. Maybe he needs to major in something less complicated. Did he choose his major himself and does he think it’s an interesting field of study?
@mokenny reading by your post sounds like my struggles with my 16 yo. He has Aspergers. The pencil thing was his classic move. No pencil, can’t do the work. We make sure he does homework, but I can’t go with him to turn it in. So he gets no points, and that is “acceptable” he says.
When we ground him, he doesn’t really learn from it. His chores are done half arsed, if at all. Only his own rules apply to him.
Keep digging. The executive function problems are super common Aspergers traits. The pencil thing too.