I would appreciate advice about my 20 yr old son who was kicked out of college about 6 months ago after his first year
of college. Because of poor performance, he not only lost his scholarship but was asked to withdraw after 1 yr. Since then he has been attending a local community college, he started with 4 courses but before we knew it, he had dropped 2 courses and up till now cannot get him to show us his grades or grant us permission to meet with his college advisor. My wife and I have informed him that until we see his grades, he will have to get a loan for the next semester.
He lives at home, drives a car and works part time. We had a contract with him about house rules and curfews. He is to do the dishes, clean his bathroom and his bed room, but it never gets done. He procastinates. Even when he does, he does not do a good job. He routinely flouts his curfew and then when we come down with consequences, he will comply for few days and then he is back to his usual habits. He forgets easily. Cannot complete a task satisfactorily. Does not take responsibility for his actions, it is always someone else’s fault. He leaves home and does not let us know where he is for days at a time. When he comes back home he will say he was hanging out with friends and he knows we will not allow him to stay out for more than one night in a week.
It is from one crisis to the next.
We have always had issues with him, forgetting to take his pencil to school in the earlier years, not submitting his home work. Loosing things easily. We have done series of testing and the last one was in 7th grade, he is said to have slow cognitive temperament, has a subtype of inattentive ADD. He is otherwise a very smart kid. We thought that he was feeling a lot of pressure to do well given that his sister went to a top college on the east East coast.
He finally agreed to see a therapist after we threatened to kick him out of the house. Since then, we still have not seen any significant improvement. He refused for us to discuss with the therapist about our concerns over the years. We would like the therapist to screen him for anxiety, EFD etc but so far nothing has happened. Finally I referred him to see a psychiatrist specializing in ADD/ADHD.
I am sorry this is long winded, any help and advice will be greatly appreciated. If this has been discussed in any other forum, kindly direct me to it
Thanks
@mokenny I’m sorry. How upsetting for you and your wife. Before you “kick him out,” though, have you considered individualized therapy for him? He’s at the age wherein a lot of mood disorders and psychiatric disorders sort of kick in, if you know what I mean, and if his behavior seems anachronistic, or unlike the way he used to be, he may have clinical depression. Which, by the way, isn’t the end of the world! Treatment is important, though; diagnoseable depression doesn’t just go away by itself.
I am truly sorry to hear this too. Gosh it is so hard being parents. Barring no mental health issues as mentioned. Then I would be more likely to let him see what supporting himself is like.
Also I would not co-sign on any leases or utilities, but would be willing to help him with the deposits.
I have considered a lot of differentials including anxiety, EFD, adult ADD. He is to see a psychiatrist in about 3 weeks and then will go from there. That is the only reason I have not kicked him out of the house yet.
Well…he is over 18…you can’t force him to get any kind of medical or mental,health help…even if you think he needs it.
BUT you can set boundaries.
If he is working, he should be contributing to household expenses…if he isn’t attending college full time.
You say he is driving a car. Whose car? Who pays for the car, gas, maintenance, insurance, etc. if it’s you…you can stop letting him use YOUR car at no charge.
He should be paying you nominal rent after a period of time. We give our kids a three month pass on rent…but after that, they had to contribute. Or they could move elsewhere.
I think you need to be reasonable about a curfew for a 20 year old. We asked our kids to remember that even if THEY weren’t working…we were. We also asked them to let us know where the were.
If you had a contract, it sounds like he has broken his part of that. Were there any consequences for breaking the contract? If not…you need a new one.
I would say that he needs a full medical physical as well…to rule out any physiological issues.
I agree that his mental health situation could be checked also.
We have imposed consequences including taking the car from him. We allow him to drive it on school days as his college is far from home and there is no public transportation. He has only a few weeks till he goes to see the psychiatrist before our next plan of action. I just want to explore these options first before we reach a final decsion
What a great deal he’s got! He only works part-time, has no responsibility, and spends his income on entertainment for himself! Does he even pay for his car insurance?
Why should he comply when you continue to support him? The longer you ENABLE him, the harder it will be for him to cast off his unaccountable habits.
Is he doing drugs? If he’s clean, then march him down to a military recruitment office. He’ll grow up in the military.
These problems don’t start at age 18. They start at birth. If he doesn’t have a mental illness to explain what’s going on, he has probably never had to deal with the consequences of his behavior his entire life. The good news is that it isn’t too late to get him on the right path.
Turn off the faucet. Take away the car if he doesn’t own it and isn’t paying for the insurance. Charge rent. Require drug tests if he is disappearing for days at a time. You truly don’t have to put up with this in your house.
You have to ask yourself if you want a life of ease for yourself. If yes, then keep enabling him. But if you want to launch him as a successful adult, you need to change a few things.
You and your spouse can go to a family therapist, with or without your son, to discuss ways of handling your family dynamics. This can be independent of him learning independence skills.
If there is a learning disability, sometimes kids don’t learn from experience the way they should. You can punish and scold and beg and they mean to try harder… but they just can’t. Skills that kids pick up naturally (like bringing a pencil to school) have to be taught or put on a checklist or built into a routine or system before they happen.
If he is the sort of kid who doesn’t learn from experience, increasing the punishments or kicking him out is not going to change him.
How did he get through his earlier education? Did that system fall apart when he got to college? Even when kids get help to get through high school, college is tough.
I have two friends with sons with ADD and other diagnoses. One will take his ADD meds, but will not use his college accomodations because he wants to “look normal.” The other won’t take his meds because he doesn’t like the side effects. Both are struggling, but both are only somewhat amenable to suggestions from their mothers.
Regardless of the cause of the behavior, it has to change. We have never said to our child with a diagnosis that because of it, she can live with us, rent-free and chore-free; use our vehicles; expect us to pay for her expenses; and disappear for days at a time to hang with “friends.” No. The rules may need to be different for a kid with diagnosable issues, but there still need to be rules and consequences.
One thing that you can do is to draw up a contract. Start with something small so that he knows that you mean it. Then move on to the bigger stuff. If he isn’t used to you setting limits and following through, then the first venture into this should be something that you can manage, as you all gain this skill set.
Family meeting in public place so that all are on best behavior
Explain that you are taking away his [internet service each day] until he does XYZ. Expect outrage in return. Respond by remaining calm: We love you and these are the rules.
Once he understands the parameters, you can let him know that similar measures are in store for the other things on your list as you move forward.
Write the contract while you sit there.
In our family FWIW we are in the habit of writing contracts and signing them. The contract goes on the fridge and we do follow through consistently as possible. If we can do so without emotion, that’s even better. Contracts can be renegotiated if habits or the situation changes.
I think of it as a video game, and I’ve told my kids that’s how this works. In a video game, they press the right button, they get the goods. At home, they press the right button, they get the goods. They don’t press the right button, they don’t get the goods. We include a pleasant attitude in the contract. They may think that I’m a jerk, but so be it. We have to maintain certain boundaries in order for our group to work.
Neither anxiety disorders nor ADHD would explain his behavior. The only psychiatric conditions that would explain his behavior are substance abuse and/or personality disorder. I think “slow cognitive temperament” is parsing it a bit too finely. If anything, you describe him as being perfectly consistent and relentlessly reliable.
I can see @mokenny your desire to have your son tested. It is hard to give up on your child w/o feeling like you have done everything possible to help them.
Once you have done that, your path may be clearer for you.
I would also recommend you make an appointment w/ a counselor for you and your wife. You may be faced with some difficult decisions that could end tragically, and you need to be able to live with that.
I had 2 brothers flunk out of school and my dad cut them both off. They lived at home but paid for their own school. I would kick him out or try to get him to join the military.
He can obviously work, so why not require him to drop college altogether and work full time, he can then buy his own car and work towards independence. The first action is to impound the car you have given him, that really will be a big motivator for him to up his game. I would cease any talk about curfews though, but take your car out of the equation and see how many times he is able to get himself out and about on his own.
I don’t understand why people suggest the family kick hm out. He doesn’t have a full time job, nor own a car. Where is he to go? Without a sense of discipline, the military is an awful option.
I much prefer the suggestions of having the parents involved in therapy, and having a neutral,party help them come up with a game strategy. These parents don’t want to give up on their son, they want help in finding a positive path for him.
Some kind of contract seems reasonable but only if you’re willing to follow through with the “consequences” if he doesn’t follow it. Maybe sit down and have a discussion about the most important rules you want him to follow in order for him to continue living there and attending college (this could also include periodic drug testing) and what the criteria would be for making him leave. Because he hasn’t followed many of your rules in the past, you could make it part of the contract that he has to have you and your wife involved in the therapy to some extent. You could have a couple of family sessions to go over history, raise questions about other possible diagnoses in addition to the ADD (anxiety, depression etc.), and talk about expectations. Then he could continue with individual sessions and could sign a release of information form so that you could get/give occasional updates but not discuss the specifics of the therapy. This would only be helpful if he is actually going to participate in the treatment. While medication could be helpful in addressing the ADD symptoms or mood/anxiety issues, the psychiatrist will only dispense medications and not do any therapy.
Sorry, this sounds very stressful and upsetting.