Help on college essay-for liberal arts college possibly

<p>Hey, I would appreciate any candid comments on this essay, you can completely tear it to shreds, any help is good. </p>

<p>I read somewhere that the recollections of our personal past, and so our personalities, are significantly distorted by an innate desire to depict ourselves strongly in the presence of our minds—it is difficult for us to truthfully accept our flaws and weaknesses—much harder to do so for the scrutiny of other people. Somewhere in this essay, I’ll try to provide an accurate portrayal of myself, with all my flaws and shortcomings, and if you as much as get a glimpse of me then I’ll consider it a success. </p>

<pre><code>Consider essay writing. I usually like to take my time to think thoroughly about ideas, and construct my prose accordingly. I am not very impulsive. This is not only for school assignments, but for everything that I take a particular interest in. Philosophy fascinates me; I spend hours thinking about Socrates’ “the unexamined life is not worth living”, or trying to figure out our raisons d’etre. Although I like philosophy best when it deals with the human problem, directly or indirectly, I never deem something as worthless—hints are everywhere. I’m curious and inquisitive, but not the frustrating kind. I try to know the moment and so distinguish the possibilities. There is the time to ask, the time to talk, the time to listen, the time to work, the time to play—I try to maintain a serene environment—comfortable, enjoyable, yet I am sincere with my feelings, I don’t like to small talk except when there is a genuine feeling for it. Sometimes I don’t talk at all. I’m taciturn. I enjoy silence; I enjoy the storm of thoughts that pass through the mind; I don’t admire talking for the sake of talking. In my seventeen years on this planet though,, I’ve found paradise when jokes fly among my best friends, when that silence gives way to a sharing of the mind; I like talking about intellectual matters but not as much as laughing with a friend over an inconsequential occurrence. The most unexpected laughs are the best of all. I have a fondness for history and literature, French and Italian. French I can speak decently; in Italian, I like to repeat nice sounding words and phrases I’ve heard from my sister. I like the world. I like to explore it. I like to poke fun at the different accents of Spanish throughout South America and although the entire population of Colombia may reprimand me for saying this, I enjoy Argentinean vernacular and sound.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t proud of being Colombian. I like my country, I like the language, I like the people, but best of all, I feel rejuvenated every time I go back. I try not to be prideful. I enjoy taking life easy. I don’t feel much attached to the tangible world so it’s easy for me to brush off everyday worries although my family sometimes construes this as apathy. I might be a little stoic, I don’t mind giving up something to make someone happy. I don’t like to argue much—if it makes them feel better I let them win. I am lazy. It takes me a good amount of effort to start my work. I enjoy being optimistic—makes life better. I like sleeping and although it’s difficult for me to wake myself up in the morning I insist on going to bed late—I always find ways. I like to play with ideas. I am selfish at times. I am stubborn sometimes and I detest servicing others trivial requests—partly because I can’t understand where this need comes from and why they don’t let it go and be free. Occasionally, mostly with my family, I make the mistake of thinking they are all as carefree as I and it vexes them.
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<p>I am introverted. I believe in God although I don't like going to mass each Sunday. I live in the present, although to a substantial degree, I live for the future. I believe in reformation and not in the religious sense. I believe in socialism—the flaws of human nature never gave it a chance. Greed, man's chief weakness, is responsible for the world's saddest problem, poverty. I've lived it in my country Colombia. I've seen kids eating crumbs cause there is nothing more left for them. I've seen people fighting for less than 25 cents in almost every light stop. I have experienced the consequences of an unbalanced capitalistic system, and even though I am on the prosperous side, I am now a more humble fellow. I will work for helping in the process in which the world will be a more just place. A place where no one is satisfied with crumbs. A world in which people will not only survive, but a world in which healthy families can develop. A world in which everyone would be happy of being born in, and never want to leave.</p>

<p>This is one of the most unfocused essays I've read. And really long... what exactly is the question?</p>

<p>no question, it is a personal statement type of thing</p>

<p>Well, you might consider telling less. Why don't you just focus on just one aspect that defines you... or one important activity. </p>

<p>As it is right now, it's too much.</p>

<p>alright alright cool, as far as the writing goes and the persona behind it, do you like it? or is it too condescending?</p>

<p>Whoa, man. No offense, this is more like a rambling personals ad than an essay. Philosophy... heritage... introversion? Where are you going with this? Pick ONE aspect of you, and then focus on that. Let your writing demonstrate your other traits, like humor and persistence or whatever.</p>

<p>I like the style though. It's blunt, it's specific, there's no BS. But you need to focus on YOU and definitely work on some type of framework for the essay.</p>

<p>Did you notice that almost every sentence in this essay starts with "I"?</p>

<p>As for the content - take one aspect of your life or personality, and write an interesting story about it. Don't make a list of your qualities. It is boring. "Show, don't tell."</p>

<p>jeje thanks for the comments
i had to write a self portrait type thing for my english class and was just wondering how well that essay would work for college, jejje i guess not
i don't know, i interpreted the personal statement thing to be like a natural thing, and I just started writing, and this is what came most naturally, a story seems somewhat artificial to me, i dont know, thanks anyways</p>

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<p>Read this book. It's fun, and you'll get an idea what makes a good college essay.</p>