Help out with Essay please?

I only have three paragraphs so far:

Twisting and twirling in my father’s desk chair, clucking in a boredly fashion, I peer around his office. The walls are splattered with paint and the paintings are cluttered on the floor. I gaze over at the mirrors in the corner, sand blasted with images of Marilynn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio. I stick my tongue out and shift my head to fall in place with Marilynn’s hair. Giggling, I twirl again in his desk chair and hear my father whistle for me to go. This was my usual morning when I was six years old. My father would walk me to school after he was done with his morning errands and I would sit atop his shoulders bobbing my way along to 1st grade.<br>
On my way to school I payed attention to people’s faces, whilst sitting atop my father’s shoulders I would try to understand what people were thinking while they walked to their destinations. Some were happy, some were sad, and some had no expressions at all. So I made an effort to grinningly smile at each and every person as I rode my way along to school. I wanted to see if a universal gesture would affect someone. More often than not, people would not respond and just carry on. However, when few people did peer up at my oddly grinning smile they let out a smirk or sometimes a grin. I loved it. I wanted a reaction and I wanted someone to remember that little girl sitting atop her father’s shoulders.

That desire to pull out a reaction or emotion never left me. As I got older, I grew into my father’s shoes with a passion for art. On a school trip to MOMA in 4th grade, I saw Henri Matisse’s painting, Dance (I). I remember my classmates were appalled at the bare figures dancing. I saw a reaction in their faces, perhaps it was a reaction of distaste or shock, but it was amazing to see someone’s vision pull an emotion out of a person. After that incident I realized that not only can a child’s grinning smile evoke an emotion from a person, but art can also. Art is also a universal language.

Misspelled words, grammatical flubs, very stilted language. Keep trying.

*paid, not payed.

“grinningly smile” is an awful phrase. Both the words imply similar actions so just decide on one and use that.

You might want to keep an eye on the word limit when finishing this. It took you three paragraphs to get from the anecdote (which isn’t really crystal clear and logically developed) to the thesis point.

But your language and vocabulary is quite good. You could make this into a very nice essay.

I like your vocab and the way you phrase things, but you have the same problem I have-the anectode is too long and leaves little for the explanation. Eliminate the first paragraph and add another paragraph explaining your love for art. End with a memorable sentence.

Definitely a good start! Carry on!

I see a lot of potential here. Main things:

-Lighten up on the adjectives and adverbs - too many tend to bog down the reader
-Speaking in the present tense is sorta weird - it will be effective if you develop it more
-Definitely go further with this idea of “children” and “smiles” and “art”
-Your anecdote should introduce, not embody the essay
-More introspective insight is needed

Overall, keep working at it to convince an Adcom that you know how to examine your life, and know how to put it into words.