Help revising my waitlist letter!

College Essays
1

<p>Hope you guys can edit what I have for my waitlist essay to become admitted to SDSU. Any criticism or advice is needed! </p>

<p>Dear SDSU Administrators,</p>

<p>Milton Berle said, “If opportunity doesn’t knock, make a door.” That quote exactly describes the situation I am in right now. On March 6th, 2013, I accepted to be on the waitlist, but what I also accepted that day was to strive to learn at San Diego State University no matter what. I believe that SDSU is the school that perfectly fits me, as well as my one and only dream school I applied to for this reason.
On my application, I listed myself to be under the psychology major. I now believe that even though I have a passion for that subject, kinesiology is the major for me for these sole reasons. First, the school I attend now is a charter school called *<strong><em>, which “is a place where people want to learn about health and healthcare as part of a world-class education”. One of the principles applied to this school is health and healthcare. Basically what that means is that we obtain skills used in the hospital and promote it to the community and its citizens. One of the ways to demonstrate the qualities we learn is to intern at various places.<br>
I interned for major Sharp Hospitals for three years and learned about great things in the medical field; from treating patients in physical therapy as well as other extraneous activities such as nursing and radiology. During those years however, my school offered me the best opportunity possible: work in the Peterson Gym at SDSU!
During high school I interned at my dream school SDSU for six months in order to obtain experience for physical therapy. Those six months I learned so much about it that through the knowledge I learned, I decided I wanted to change myself for the better. I changed my life habits and made a 180 degree turn around. I went from being chubby with low self-esteem to a more bright and active fit student! Everything seemed more clear to me.
As a result, I have included myself in more activities at my school including track, swimming, surf club, cross country, and weightlifting. My peers look up to me as a leader and ask me questions on how they can improve themselves physically and mentally. I have also participated in community activities such as being a Eucharistic minister for my church too. What I’m trying to stress is that my passion for your school exceeds what I can write on a short letter. If accepted, I am confident I will demonstrate the leadership and knowledge I have gained throughout the years at *</em></strong> and the six months interned at SDSU and apply it at this school. Go Aztecs!</p>

2

<p>Idk who Milton Berle is, will the reader know?</p>

<p>" I believe that SDSU is the school that perfectly fits me, as well as my one and only dream school I applied to for this reason."
^does this mean you only applied to one school? may want to re-word because it doesn’t sound good if you only applied to one place (may show your desire to go but it’s not too smart)</p>

<p>How recently did you change schools? The whole little blurb about changing schools and what they’re all about seems irrelevant to the appeal, might be though.</p>

<p>Too many exclamation marks (I think) </p>

<p>Explain/extrapolate how you turned your life around and how “Everything seemed more clear to me.”</p>

<p>“I have also participated in community activities such as being a Eucharistic minister for my church too.”
^combine with two sentences before where you list everything, or at least integrate it better since it seems a bit out of place</p>

<p>" What I’m trying to stress is that my passion for your school exceeds what I can write on a short letter."
^not too sure about this</p>

<p>“Go Aztecs!” almost 100% sure that you should leave this out</p>

3

<p>Alright thanks for the input, I’ll revise it and repost.</p>

4

<p>Dear SDSU Administrators,</p>

<pre><code>Milton Berle, one of my favorite past-time comedians of when I was a kid said, “If opportunity doesn’t knock, make a door.” That quote exactly describes the situation I am in right now. On March 6th, 2013, I accepted to be on the waitlist, but what I also accepted that day was to strive to learn at San Diego State University no matter what. I believe that SDSU is the school that perfectly fits me for this reason.
On my application, I listed myself to be under the psychology major. I now believe that even though I have a passion for that subject, kinesiology is the major for me for these sole reasons. First, the school I attend now is a charter school called *** which “is a place where people want to learn about health and healthcare as part of a world-class education”. One of the principles applied to this school is health and healthcare. Basically what that means is that we obtain skills used in the hospital and promote it to the community and its citizens. One of the ways to demonstrate the qualities we learn is to intern at various places.
</code></pre>

<p>I interned for major Sharp Hospitals for three years and learned about great things in the medical field; from treating patients in physical therapy as well as other extraneous activities such as nursing and radiology. After a year of interning, I was offered the oppertunity to intern at SDSU at the Peterson Gym. During those years were the best time
At *** I interned at my dream school SDSU for six months in order to obtain experience for physical therapy. Those six months I learned so much about physical therapy that even I decided I wanted to change myself for the better. I changed my life habits and made a 180 degree turn around. From weightlifting tips I learned at Peterson’s Gym to cardiovascular exercises learned from helpful college students, I went from being chubby with low self-esteem to a more bright and active fit student. Now this wasn’t easy at all; in fact I had to skip hanging out with friends and eating my favorite food (which is pizza) and instead dedicate myself completely to cleaning myself up. My academics as a result of my boosted confidence gradually increased.
Participation in class has never been easier. Confidence was an obstacle before in school classes, but now speaking in front of class has never felt better. I have included myself in more school activities too such as track, swimming, surf club, cross country, and weightlifting as well as community activities such as being a Eucharistic minister for my church. My peers now look up to me as a leader and ask me questions on how they can improve themselves physically and mentally. Now I’m aiding them achieve what I have done in the past. What I’m trying to stress is that your school changed my whole academics and personal life around. If accepted, I am confident I will demonstrate the leadership and knowledge I have gained throughout the years at *** and the six months interned at SDSU and apply it at this school. </p>

<pre><code>Wyatt Connolly
</code></pre>

5

<p>Hey there… So I kinda just changed some stuff myself. Take it or leave it. It’s up to you. I work for the college as a writing tutor if that makes it any better. I just half asses it quick for you. </p>

<p>Dear SDSU Administrators,</p>

<p>On March 6th, 2013, I accepted waitlist status with San Diego State University. What you may not know is that I also accepted the responsibility to work heard, and dedicate myself to my education at SDSU. I believe that SDSU is the right choice for me, and I the right choice for SDSU. </p>

<p>Although I listed myself as a psychology major on the application, I feel strongly that kinesiology is where my passion lies. I attend *** , a charter school "where people want to learn about health and healthcare as part of a world-class education”. This is where I learned the principles of health and healthcare and why i long to share them with my community and its citizens.</p>

<p>One of the ways I applied these skills was through an internship. I interned for major Sharp Hospitals for three years and learned about the various aspects of the medical field; from treating patients in physical therapy to other extraneous activities such as nursing and radiology. After completing one year of my internship, I was offered the opportunity to intern at San Diego State University’s Peterson Gym where I…</p>

<p>At *** I interned at my dream school SDSU for six months in order to obtain experience in physical therapy. During those six months I learned so much about physical therapy that I decided I wanted to change myself for the better. I changed my life habits and made a 180 degree turn around. From weightlifting tips I learned at Peterson’s Gym to cardiovascular exercises learned from helpful college students, I went from being overweight with low self-esteem to an active student with more confidence. This was not an easy accomplishment. In fact I had to skip hanging out with friends and eating favorites such as pizza in order to dedicate myself completely to Living a healthy life. </p>

<p>Since the transformation, I have included myself in more school activities such as track, swimming, surf club, cross country, and weightlifting. I also make time for community activities such as being a Eucharistic minister for my church. My peers now look up to me as a leader and ask me questions on how they can improve themselves physically and mentally. I now aid them in making healthier choices. </p>

<p>My time with SDSU helped shape me into who I am today, and changed my outlook on education. Milton Berle once said, “If opportunity doesn’t knock, make a door”. This quote reminds me to take advantage of the opportunities presented to me. If accepted, I will take advantage of the opportunity and demonstrate the leadership skills and knowledge i obtained throughout my time at *** and the six months interned at SDSU.</p>

6

<p>You will definitely need to check for typos and whatnot cuz I did this on my iPad kinda quickly.</p>

7

<p>Thank you very much socal79! Now if I may ask has admin accepted a lot of kids from the wait list?</p>

8

<p>What SoCal posted should work fine once you go over it and fix the small things, gl!</p>