We recently learned our college sophomore is failing two of his classes. From what we gather, it is because of his poor time management. He joined a fraternity and also met a girl, both taking priority over school. We are financially supporting his college and housing and feel it is reasonable to get a return on our “investment” so to speak. As much as we want to tell him we will no longer pay for this kind of effort, we also don’t want to alter his future by forcing his hand if his heart is not in it. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
If it were my money, I’d surely “force his hand”. I’d probably march down (or fly down) to his school and sit him down for a heart to heart. As in… “If you fail any classes this semester, YOU will take out your maximum student loans for the year so you are paying for some of your schooling. (If he has not already taken out student loans). And if you fail ANY classes next semester, you are coming home and going to a school you can commute to. Capiche?”
I agree with @intparent. College is way to expensive, unfortunately, to allow squandering of the opportunity that you are giving him. If you can afford a visit as @intparent suggest to discuss the “costs” of his current choices, mainly that you can’t fund it for very long, then this might help him to make the necessary changes in commitment. I would also figure out what kind of resources are available at his school to help him to turn his academic slide around so that you can suggest tools for bringing things back up if he is so motivated.
Also,consider if he retorts “I’ll just withdraw from the two failing classes” Then you need to charge him to go to summer school. I’d turn the tap off on funding his fraternity dues too.
Why don’t you want to force his hand? You have already spent what you have spent. It’s a sunk cost. However, you do not need to spend more if there will be nothing to show for it.
@T26E4 - Not all parents fund fraternity dues.
I see two issues here. One, the failed classes now, and how they affect his transcript and record going forward.
And two, whether he should remain after this semester.
1)Can he withdraw from the failing classes? I would not want to fund F’s or D’s. If he has financial aid, check into how the withdrawals will affect him.
2)Does he have ADHD or a substance abuse problem or anything else that merits attention? Or even needs accommodations? Not suggesting, just asking. Accommodations like extensions, extra advising for time management, and even reduced courseload can help in cases where they are justified.
Would he consider a tutor or coach(and would you pay for it)? There are tutors and coaches in person and online for time management and other issues.
If he was just partying and socializing and caught up with his girlfriend, I would think he lacks the maturity or the ability to do school at the same time. There are students at Ivies who party and excel so it is less a matter of partying and more a matter of your son not doing the work : )
I would make sure his transcript is clean and give him one more chance next semester, than tell him he has to leave and work or go to community college or whatever until he can handle college. Not even in a tough way, in a concerned and realistic and even supportive way.
When kids fail, I think they need support and guidance rather than punishment. I don’t believe in laziness and think it is always more complicated than that, but that’s me! I would be very clear, but nice : )
I think when kids fail due to a disability or health issue (including mental health), of course they need support. When they are partying and socializing their way out of college, they can fix it right quick, or come home and stop wasting my money.
OP, one other thing we did with our kids is tell them that we are helping pay for 8 semesters, and that is it. So failing classes, changing majors too late, etc. was not acceptable. I agree with cutting off fraternity dues as well if you are paying them.
I understand the dilemna in that you don’t want to force him to drop out of college due to one poor semester. As others have pointed out, there is a middle ground. First, what does he say about this and does he think he can bring his grades up to passing? Second, what is his school’s policy on Fs? At one of my kids schools, one or two classes with an F can be re-taken and while the F shows on the transcript, it does not figure into the GPA. Third, I would not pay for the frat, if I was doing so.
I am all about accountability, but also about giving a 19yo a second chance. However, I would have him make some agreement about how he plans to fix this.
Hopefully, you discussed this with student before he went off to school. Hopefully when you expressed what you’d pay for, that it included conditions he must meet. How many classes successfully? How many credits? What grades? All things that should have been part of the deal in advance.Otherwise, to abruptly yank funding would make parents appear untrustworthy. To impose conditions after-the-fact just isn’t fair.
OP needs to know this is not their investment. The OP parents will not get a return on their investment unless they expect student to support them after he graduates. No, this is a gift to the offspring not the parents’ investment. It is the parents pleasure to give the gift of opening opportunities to the student. After 18 the parent no longer has any legal obligation to the student; rather continuing to pay further is a gift and there is nothing wrong with letting behavior determine whether a gift is continued or not. I might give to a certain charity for example, but if I hear of misuse of money I can stop future contributing.
Second the motion to thoroughly express that future dough is a conditional gift based on his behavior/outcomes and is your desire to help. Give him the new conditions and permit 1 more semester to continue to earn the gift. Failing that condition, HE has affected HIS future by losing your funding. He might then choose to pay himself, take a gap yr., or whatever. His choice based on his actions. He might then need some time as a self-supporting adult paying his own way(not back with parents) to help him decide what he wants. This way, the only force the parent is applying is to force him to decide for himself what he wants and then act accordingly.
l it is reasonable to get a return on our “investment”
Yeah, sorry not buying this line. It’s his world and his life. You have every right as parents to stop “investing” financially, but you can still invest love and encouragement. But – this is not your investment, it’s his. You just happen to be paying for it.
Again, feel free to take your cash elsewhere, but in the end he has to invest, not you.
Others here have made great suggestions:
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stop paying frat fees and get him out of the frat, hopefully. I doubt that his “ADHD” issue is any more severe than frat-bro-itis.
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do not fly down and talk to him, but rather the next time you see him, you need to tell him that funding will stop if he doesn’t get X grades the next semester.
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You should have had this talk before he started school, but basically you need to tell him the equivalent of: “We have 4 years of funding available. Anything extra is on you.” He will be angry, but you know so what? You can also offer him guidance to help him fix his academic record and his academic habits, includint a) taking time off from college to get his act together; b) withdrawing from the fraternity to heal the frat-bro-itis.; c) get some jobs and figure out where his interests lie; etc.
You can do all of this while being kind and gentle. It’s possible to be firm and supportive, while also setting clear expectations and guidelines, and it’s possible to not be punishing about this or guilt-tripping. You set standards. He needs to rise to them or you cut the juice, like a utility bill or a video game. You either do what you need to get the goods or you don’t. Period. Welcome to life.
A lot of schools will be past their drop dates by now. If not, then he should be able to drop without affecting the financial aid status, as it depends upon completing a certain percent of the semester. Of course, if he has not been attending class, that might a problem.
We told our kids before they left home, “8 semesters. Anything else is on you”. Some kids only need to hear the message once. Others need it repeated. But this was how we handled the frat discussion, the “I want to do a semester abroad but it will mess up the sequence for my major” discussion, etc.
We didn’t veto or argue about choice of major/minor, etc. We never threatened to cut them off if they didn’t major in accounting or whatever.
But our deal was 8 semesters. Any remedial work- go find a way to pay for it. And the kids got the “gift” of being able to move back home after college graduation and live rent free until their jobs started. And we paid for a 6 month health insurance policy for one of the kids who got the dream job which had a waiting period for benefits.
Any kid who needed time off was invited to move back home and get a job. But being at college meant focusing on college.
As I see it, he is forcing YOUR hand. His actions are requiring a reaction from you.
Your son needs a reality check and soon. Some schools require that frats maintain a certain overall GPA. I have heard some frats have forced/organized study time for this reason. If there is a required frat GPA and he is failing, his frat brothers will not be happy and might impact his eligibity to remain in the frat. Also, are you assuming the frat is part of the problem or do you know? For some, frats can actually be a positive influence and the frat might be able to actually help him with this studies.
Schools have SAP requirements. He needs to check to see if he will end up on probation if he fails both classes. Also depending on the major, this could severly impact his ability to graduate in four years. Will he still be able to take the courses he has registered for next semester. Are these two courses pre-regs for future courses. I would strongly recommend that your son meet with his academic advisor to discuss what happens if he fails these two courses.
Dropping or withdrawing from both classes might not be an option if he drops below full time. Some schools do not allow you to be a part time student. There is likely a process for exceptions but being in love or in a frat would not be a reason to grant an exception.
You need to have a heart to heart discussion to determine what is causing the problems. Out of all proballility you know the issues. However, there could be other things going on.
One option/threat would be to formally loan the money in WRITING to him (or have him take the student loans) to pay for the next semester with the agreement that the loan would be cancelled if he achieves an agreed upon reasonable GPA. You could require that he repay you the cost of the two failed courses or the cost of retaking them. However that should have been discussed before he started the semester.